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Ellaroo's river of sweetcorn

48 replies

morningpaper · 06/09/2007 17:38

This has been deleted (was back in November 2004) but I kept it because it made me laugh soooo much.

Mumsnet Discussions: _Chat : Possibly one of the more humiliating and
frustrating days in my life! (41 messages)
By Ellaroo

My 3 year old dd is having bottom problems as she has the very bad nappy
rash and is now scared of going to the toilet so is wetting herself
frequently and needing the
toilet very quickly if she does confess to needing to go. Anyway, I have a
small and unattractive travel potty for her to squat over that is lined with
a plastic bag and a sanitary towel to absorb any wee made by Tomee Tipee. I
don't know whether any of you have this, but despite it being a shop-made
invention, whenever I get it out it looks so home-made that I am practically
dying with the mortification of some childless passer-by thinking that i
have been sticking these gigantic pads onto scummy plastic bags in my spare
time. Anyway, I was taking dd to the doctors today re: her nappy rash, when
she announced 'oooooooh mummy' in a worried voice 'I need the toilet' so I
got my contraption out beside a busy main road and she waved her bottom
slowly over the pot and nothing happened so we packed it all up and moved
on, and I probably slightly paranoidly felt that the traffic started to move
freely again.
Then, to get to our doctors we go down a very steep hill. DD again announced
her need for the toilet, so I set the whole thing up again rather
precariously on the steep slope and she lowered herself down and the poo was
already poking out of her bottom by this time and the young man coming up
behind her saw it! Anyway one of dd's enormous poos came out and it was so
enormous that the wee that followed didn't have a chance of staying in the
tiny pot and flowed down the hill in front of her with bits of sweetcorn and
red pepper in it!!! Meanwhile she was sitting on this tiny pot and i was
having to hold her legs in the air to try and stop the wee-poo from covering
her shoes and ankles. I thought the wee would never stop as people were
walking up the hill towards us and having to avoid the stream of wee and
sweetcorn. DD was delighted by this: 'look mummy, there's sweetcorn running
down the road in my wee!!!!' Unfortunately the ties to tie the bag up with
that normally sit neatly beneath the potty were covered in poo and wee and
then so were my hands and I was late for the doctors. Then it started to
rain very heavily while dd did a commentary on the mucky state of my hands
and that I had dropped wetwipes everywhere and ds was in his pram screaming
because he is getting wet and the pram has been still for too long. Could
things get much worse? Yes, after the doctors we were walking through the
shopping precinct when she calmly and happily announced 'mummy, i am doing a
wee in my knickers'.Arrrrrrgggggggggggggggg!!! I managed to say very calmly
'WHY are you doing it in your knickers, WHY didn't you tell me you needed
the toilet?' before my voice changed to something that sounds slightly like
a deranged animal and I marched her to the public toilets and changed her
into a nappy to the sound of her shrieking 'but why can't i wee in my
knickers? I
don't want to wear a nappy'. It was for the above reasons that I needed a
large portion of chips for dinner and also 1 tube of smarties, a packet of
pretend sugared cigarettes,and a small packet of hairibo chewy fruit things
to try and forget the humiliation of the day. I am now feeling cross with
myself that I was cross with her for wetting herself, but that was the third
time she'd wet herself today and although I know it isn't her fault, it
still tested my patience and I lost. I also feel mortified for dd that the
whole town saw her bottom, poo, my weird potty thing that I make her sit on,
but most of all for myself!!!! Please tell me your own embarrassing stories
to help me feel slightly less like everyone who saw me will have been
laughing at me and my river of sweetcorn.

OP posts:
JackieNo · 06/09/2007 17:43

pmsl, morningpaper - thank you for saving that - I'd heard about the 'river of sweetcorn' story, but it was before my time.

DaphneHarvey · 06/09/2007 17:49

Oh it is one of the funniest things I have ever read. That Ellaroo had a way with words. Have read it before but couldn't resist a little re-visit on a ho-hum Thursday afternoon.

Waves to JackieNo - hello, I still check in on you guys occasionally but don't feel its my place to post there any more. Hope you're all well. Jackie x.

shouldbe · 08/09/2007 22:31


Lio · 08/09/2007 22:35

Thank you SOOOO much, I actually asked MN Towers for this once but no cigar. So happy to have it back.

Lio · 08/09/2007 22:37

Oh god, just read it, even funnier than I remembered. Aah. Am happy.

LattVansinniglangsam · 08/09/2007 22:39

That was before my time.....but beets some of the other classics.....well written too - adds to comedy effect

Olihan · 08/09/2007 22:39

OMG , I actually can't breathe for laughing

Frizbe · 08/09/2007 22:40
tortoise · 08/09/2007 22:44

ROFLOL! That is so funny.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 07/10/2007 11:59

I have just read this again and it is one of my favourites.

MamaG · 07/10/2007 12:03

Love it

hunkermunker · 07/11/2008 22:17

This is a true delight. Ellaroo, you are a comic genius.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 07/11/2008 22:23
morningpaper · 07/01/2009 20:25

I feel this needs a monthly bump

OP posts:
clarabell16 · 13/01/2009 21:26

Ive just had to do my breathing techniques from labour to stop myself choking with laughter!!

Habbibu · 13/01/2009 21:28

Oh, it's like having a unicorn unveiled! I'd heard of this mythical creature before, but never seen it in the flesh...

WilfSell · 22/01/2009 23:18

Oh I forgot how good a place Classics was to be when you need a guffaw. It should be on prescription.

TheOldVicarage · 10/07/2009 19:23

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant! I am so glad that nothing like that's ever happened to me. Still, now that I've got number 2 on the way, I've got it all to come again, I suppose!
Is this the best post ever?

stubbyfingers · 25/07/2009 22:44

ber hump

littlerach · 05/09/2009 14:18

Thsi is the best thread ever

gingerkirsty · 14/05/2010 22:45

Bumping from Classics as this just made me laugh out loud! Cheered me up no end in spite of vile cold and loss of voice (ok laughed quietly!)

rasputin · 26/05/2010 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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chipmonkey · 07/03/2011 20:44

Bumping again. This is as good as the cube of poo!Grin

TryingVeryHard · 08/03/2011 09:23

Thanks chipmonkey my Tuesday blues now completely gone... it turned yellow!
"river of sweetcorn" Grin Grin Grin

Katiebeau · 03/11/2011 08:20

Bump in honour of the river of poo Grin for us new Mumsnetters.

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