to want to send an anonymous letter to everyone in my child's year

[SallyMcgally]

Of course the answer is Yes. But I really want the kids in my son's year to know just how spiteful and hurtful they are, and how lonely he is. He is the sweetest boy, with dyspraxia and Ehlers Danlos syndrome, and now depression, and he has had to endure the most vile behaviour. This is what I want them to read. I'm tempted to go to every bloody bus stop and noticeboard in town and pin it up. I'd genuinely be very grateful to hear if anyone has any ideas about how to make a whole community kinder???

You can be wonderful, passionate and inspiring. I've seen you march for refugees, denounce racism, support Gay Pride and change your Facebook pictures in solidarity with victims of appalling atrocities.
But I know your Facebook pictures because my son shows them to me, and we know that man of the same people who appear to stand up for the most vulnerable are the very same who have made his life unbearable by bullying.
Sometimes I don't think you even recognise what it is that you do. Do you never stop for a minute and wonder what it must be like always to be laughed at in one of those 'Hot or Not' videos, to have your life turned into a bloody nightmare because the spiteful rumours are just too good not to spread (no need to bother with whether they're true or not), to be called 'weird' and 'retard' and 'freak.' (You're not very imaginative - it's the same bloody thing over and over again.) You probably think you're not a bully, if you don't actually go round beating people up or stealing their stuff. But most of you join in. You sit there laughing, smirking, encouraging the others. The worst among you, the very worst, are those who used to be friendly, but who have now decided that it's too much of a risk to hang out with the boy that everyone leaves out because he's 'weird', or the girl who doesn't dress right or behave in the way that you think is OK because it's 'normal.' I veer between hoping no other person ever has to know the kind of loneliness you've condemned my child to, and wishing that you could know just how bloody miserable it is. You have punished him because he's just different enough to deserve this kind of misery, and yet you would be outraged if anyone accused you of attacking the disabled. Did you know that children with special needs are vastly more likely to be bullied and marginalised in school? Did you know that in most cases it only takes two bystanders to intervene to stop a bullying attack? And almost all of you choose not to. Day after day after day you could make a real difference to someone right there in front of you in your class with the simplest, most basic act of kindness. Day after day you choose not to. So change your profile picture if you want to, but don't think that that is enough to change you into a decent person.
There's no point in asking you to imagine how you would feel if it happened to you, because most of you know damn well that it won't. But maybe you could think about how you'd feel towards somebody who treated your little brother or little sister in the same way. What would you think of those who laughed and joined in while people shouted insults at them, locked them in the loo in the bus and wouldn't let them out until they'd admitted that they were a 'retard'? And if, god forbid, anyone treats your own child like this in the future, then you will finally understand just how deeply parents like me hate people like you.

Your letter is an inspiration. U should send it. It angers me when I hear about bullied children like your son. I too was bullied throughout school. We shouldn't have to put up with it. There is usually a ringleader. My so called friend joined in with & teased me relentlessly for my shortness (5ft) & she was only 5ft 1"!!

You're too kind when u say they don't know what they're doing. Ur son's lucky to have u.

I wish u all the best for the future.

ealing, I can only think you've never been involved in this kind of situation. My DD has been the subject of this kind of insidious drip-drip bullying, and we've spent a lot of time trying to give her the tools to deal with it whilst pushing the school to resolve it. And whilst that's been going on I've had to come into contact with the children involved and remind myself they are only children, because I feel so strongly negative towards them that if they were adults I would have had words.

You can't criticise the OP for hating those who have tormented her child so cruelly for so long. At this point, fuck being kind.

OP, I really feel for you.

children can be cruel....and if left to be so turn into horrible adults. you said headof year supportive.enough to issue this as schoolbag mail??to whole school?no cheek no chance. even if one child changed as result its worth it.

YANBU. Send it to the school ask them to read it out. I have copied it just in case I ever need it for any of mine x

I was thinking the same as Libra

Send it as an open letter to your local newpaper, and title it "To the pupils of X School".

But change the emphasis from it being from you as the parent, to it being from him as the victim. And the bit about it being their brother or sister is very powerful, definitely leave that in and maybe expand on that if you can.

As the mother of a child bullied because of his additional needs, reading this makes me very upset that this still happens (DS is 25 now) but also makes me wish I had had the gumption to stand up and shout more when it was happening. Shout out about this, and shout out loud.

"It only began to heal for me when the two instigators reflected on their behaviour much like your letter is asking as adults and individually apologised to me, deeply ashamed of the pain they caused. "

This thread is deeply moving. As is the above quote. If some of the kids would reflect on what pain they are generating in someone and how utterly bad that is, we can live in hope they may apologise one day and change their behaviour.

"Your children will grow to be strong, confident people."

I take issue with the definiteness of this. SOME bullied children will grow to be strong confident people; others take the battered confidence levels through with them to adulthood and suffer continually from feelings of low self-worth and fear of conflict.

So, just to be clear: I don't want people to think bullying is a case of Nietzsche's quote, "that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger", because it isn''t true for everyone. And as such, being bullied should not be used as a "toughening up" experience, but put a stop to as quickly and as permanently as possible.

We are a family of EDSers, my DC have also been bullied. I don't want to go into specifics as I could 'out' us. I was very moved by your letter as that is what I have long feared for my youngest DS11. He has managed through primary school with a handful of friends but he has had some difficult times. He most likely has SPD and probably ASD too. As he now goes up to secondary school in September, I am really dreading it. We are prepared, though if it starts to go pear-shaped I will remove him and go with home ed. His happiness will be the deciding factor.

There are some excellent facebook groups for home ed which will help if you decide to go down that route. Do not worry about him doing his GCSEs, they are easily attainable in 1 year if he can study himself or he can get 1:1 tuition, either professionally or from yourself.

You could put him in college now as 'since September 2013, general further education colleges and sixth-form colleges (colleges) have been able to enrol, and require direct funding from the Education Funding Agency (EFA) for 14- to 16-year-olds who wish to study high-quality vocational qualifications alongside general qualifications including English and mathematics within the Key Stage 4 curriculum.' Source - gov.uk website. My DD became so much happier and confident when she started college at 16.

You could also look at Steiner Waldorf schools. Children who are 'square pegs in round holes' seem to thrive in this kind of school. They are mostly private schools. Worth considering.

If you decide to keep him at his current school, you need to escalate it. It should be being dealt with by the Head not head of year really. The Head is answerable to the Governors, so it is worth saying you will take it to them. A letter to your MP can often bring results. Don't rule out going to the Police, I was assaulted in school, my dad called the Police because the school made the bully stand outside the Head's office for an hour - and that was when they still had the cane in school! He was prosecuted and it was the kick up the arse he needed. His older brother was a waster and he was following in his footsteps. Going to court was a shock to him and he never got into any more trouble, whereas his brother just lurched from one disaster to another which led sadly to an early demise.

I would also second the joining of some out of school group. I loved ATC, DD1 also liked ATC. DD2 went to a church youth club/group. If he has hypermobility type, swimming and cycling are the usual recommended excercises and there are clubs for that too. There is also a facebook group for children with EDS. I think there is also a board on the EDS UK website's forum for children with EDS.

for you and for him

Sally - I'm so sorry to hear this. My heart breaks for you. You sound like a wonderful mum.

Can I ask (apologies if it's been covered already) have you asked the schools head/governing body for a meeting with parents of said bully's?
If the behavioural unit is useless can you not call ofsted and report them and the school?? The police? And lastly your local newspaper?
Please don't think I'm being naive and/or dramatic but you need to take action.
I'm angry at the little b***s on your behalf.

I also think Citizens Advice Bereau would be a good place to go.
Please keep us updated.

I second what GhostBusters said .. 'To print a copy of your letter and have it read out at school'

Much love to you and your son. The small minded people are cruel don't know what they're missing, my daughters best friend has the same gifts as your son, she's just about part of our family and we are truly blessed to have her in our lives. The girls have been friends since nursery, they're now 17. Your son deserves love and respect and we're wishing both for you. 😘

Could it be read out in Assembly/tutorials, as already suggested? i withdrew my son from school because the stress was making him ill. He was out for over a year. Not ideal because it felt like a defeat in a way. It took a sympathetic (but private) school to get him back in. Hope you get redress

It's sad. They really, really don't understand and need to be educated. Remember that people don't always march because they care about a cause. Sometimes it's self glorification or 'my mate's doing it'.

Could you do something courageous like ask the school (and even some of the other places) to let you address an assembly and give them an insightful tour of the life of a disabled person? Use that as an opportunity to explain what these disabilities are, the impact of the bullying and how they can support your son. Sometimes, hitting people with the raw facts of the truth changes them.

I wish him all the very best and sending you a warm hug.

Chin up x

I think you should read this out to the whole school. It is deeply moving and would certainly make anyone think. Maybe the head teacher would read it out to avoid identifying your son. Bullying is not acceptable in any form. I hope life gets happier for you both .

Hi Sally, I've posted your letter on the 401 Challenge Facebook page, I hope you don't mind. Ben was badly bullied at school and attempted to end his own life in his teens. He I s running 401 marathons to raise awareness and to tackle bullying - he also gives talks at schools as he is travelling around the country. You can run with him for any distance, up to the full marathon, and people with all abilities have run with Ben. If he is local to you perhaps you could get in touch? Your son is amazing, please have your letter read in assembly and tutor groups. I was 'passively' bullied from age 5 through primary and secondary, life does get much better on leaving school

Thank you all so much for your wonderful advice and support. ruthbruce - I've taken a look at your son's page and you must be so proud of him. What a wonderful man he has grown into!
I'm going to rewrite the letter a little bit along the lines some of you have suggested and see if Kidscape might find it a useful letter for their website. I will definitely give it to DS's H of Y. She's currently trying to get DS into a smaller, specialist unit (just about 5 kids or so) that looks after children who have found the school environment too overwhelming for whatever reason, so we will see how things go there in the first instance. In light of the response from this thread, I'm tempted to write to Justine Greening with a link to the thread to implore her to find effective measures for tackling bullying in schools - there is so much lovely support here (thank you again), but so, so much pain and heartache. We really can't keep standing by while so many children are taught to feel so worthless and unlikeable, however much they might flourish in adult life. And, as one poster said, not all of them do. Some will have adult lives that are deeply scarred by how they've been taught to think of themselves as children. It is one of my biggest fears for DS. Will repost letter later tonight.

OK - here's a version that I think is improved - and thank you so much to you for your suggestions:

You can be wonderful, passionate and inspiring. I've seen you march for refugees, denounce racism, support Gay Pride and change your Facebook pictures in solidarity with victims of appalling atrocities.

But I know your Facebook pictures because my son shows them to me, and we know that many of the same people who appear to stand up for the most vulnerable are the very same who have made his life unbearable by bullying.

Sometimes I don't think you even recognise what it is that you do. Do you never stop for a minute and wonder what it must be like always to be laughed at in one of those 'Hot or Not' videos, to have your life turned into a bloody nightmare because the spiteful rumours are just too good not to spread (no need to bother with the fact that they are completely rubbish – you know that already – you only need to look at who’s started them) to be called 'weird' and 'retard' and 'freak.' (You're not very imaginative - it's the same bloody thing over and over again.) You probably think you're not a bully, if you don't actually go round beating people up or stealing their stuff. But most of you join in. You sit there laughing, smirking, encouraging the others. You sigh dramatically and roll your eyes if you are asked to work with him. Is that to show everyone else that you think you’re too good for that, or to let him know? Because he knows; he already knew long before the lesson began, just as he knew where he would be on the popularity rankings list that you drew up and circulated. Why exactly would you even think of drawing up a list like that if it wasn’t deliberately to humiliate people? The worst among you, the very worst, are those who used to be friendly, but who have now decided that it's too much of a risk to hang out with the boy that everyone leaves out because he's 'weird', or the girl who doesn't dress right or behave in the way that you think is OK because it's 'normal.' I veer between hoping no other person ever has to know the kind of loneliness you've condemned my child to, and wishing that you could know just how bloody miserable it is. You have punished him because he's just different enough to deserve this kind of misery, and yet you would be outraged if anyone accused you of attacking the disabled. Did you know that children with special needs are vastly more likely to be bullied and marginalised in school? Did you know that in most cases it only takes two bystanders to intervene to stop a bullying attack? And almost all of you choose not to. Day after day after day you could make a real difference to someone right there in front of you in your class with the simplest, most basic act of kindness. Day after day you choose not to. So change your profile picture if you want to, but don't think that that is enough to change you into a decent person.
To those of you who have also been kicked to the bottom of the pile because you’re told that you’re ‘weird’, you’re not ‘normal’, please, please understand that the ‘normal’ in school is not a ‘normal’ that is recognised anywhere else. It is not normal deliberately to exclude, to humiliate, to ignore, to enjoy someone else’s hurt. Your classmates’ behaviour would simply not be tolerated in the workplace – some of them would be disciplined, some sacked, some arrested. Becoming ‘normal’ in their world means behaving like that. So many people who have amazing careers now suffered in school exactly the way you do because the people around them jeered at them for not being ‘normal’. But if the likes of Ed Sheeran and Stephen Spielberg had settled for that kind of normal, then they’d never have achieved a tenth of what they’ve gone on to achieve. Outside of school you will find loads of people who love those who are funny, original, quirky – people like you.

To the rest of you - there's no point in asking you to imagine how you would feel if it happened to you, because most of you know damn well that it won't. But maybe you could think about how you'd feel towards somebody who treated your little brother or little sister in the same way. What would you think of those who laughed and joined in while people shouted insults at them, locked them in the loo in the bus and wouldn't let them out until they'd admitted that they were a 'retard'? What would you think of those who mock the way they walk, the way they talk, the way they dress – all those things that on their own seem too trivial to get into trouble for, but that make life miserable every single day for some of your classmates? And if, god forbid, anyone treats your own child like this in the future, then you will finally understand just what it is that you’ve done, just how cruel you are and you’ll begin to see just how much hurt is done by people like you.

Sadly seems there is something innate in some people to attack perceived outsiders to bond the group. It makes others scared to defend in case the group turns on them. The whole "evil thrives where good men do nothing" thing. Adults need to strongly intervene in this dynamic.

My daughter (aged 10) is currently reading the book Wonder as mentioned on this thread. My god I can hardly bear to hear about it. Wishing you well OP you sound an amazing mum just think as parents we all need to fight this and ensure our own DC are brave enough to stand up against it (and god forbid are not the bullies themselves)

Thanks Sally, sorry for any misunderstanding but I'm not Ben's mum (though I'd be so proud if I was), my dh and I are planning to run with Ben during his 401st marathon in Bristol on 5th October.

How fantastic ruth - good for you!

That is such a good message. Something I fought for when I was a teacher.
Sadly I think you're wrong about workplaces. Nasty behaviour like this goes on every day. This should be a national campaign.

Yes, unfortunately bullying can continue in the workplace. Have been on the back end of it, have seen it, and know others who have suffered from it.

There is indeed this strange "pack mentality" that seems to suspend rational thought at times - the old "no smoke without fire" instinct, so if someone starts to back-stab, spread rumours etc. about another colleague, then there will ALWAYS be some sheeple who just think "gosh, never knew that about them, how awful, I must shun them too" without ever stopping to draw mental breath and think "hang on, I've known this person for 5 years, and they've never been like this, why would I believe this shit?"

Shit sticks. In my own case, I had to involve the police - won't go into why - and the bully told people that I'd done it because of a bit of namecalling. AS IF the police would bother themselves to come into my place of work for that!! And yet the sheeple were happy to believe that I was a pathetic little weed who couldn't cope with a bit of namecalling - suspension of rational thought in favour of believing the shit.

thumbwitch that sounds awful for you

thumbwitch that was unacceptable, and this is exactly why bullying culture in schools needs to be addressed. Much more important than grades or how fancy the school building is.

Thank you - it wasn't great, but I had a lot of support there as well. Left not long after (for other reasons but that was certainly part of the push to go)