to want to send an anonymous letter to everyone in my child's year

[SallyMcgally]

Of course the answer is Yes. But I really want the kids in my son's year to know just how spiteful and hurtful they are, and how lonely he is. He is the sweetest boy, with dyspraxia and Ehlers Danlos syndrome, and now depression, and he has had to endure the most vile behaviour. This is what I want them to read. I'm tempted to go to every bloody bus stop and noticeboard in town and pin it up. I'd genuinely be very grateful to hear if anyone has any ideas about how to make a whole community kinder???

You can be wonderful, passionate and inspiring. I've seen you march for refugees, denounce racism, support Gay Pride and change your Facebook pictures in solidarity with victims of appalling atrocities.
But I know your Facebook pictures because my son shows them to me, and we know that man of the same people who appear to stand up for the most vulnerable are the very same who have made his life unbearable by bullying.
Sometimes I don't think you even recognise what it is that you do. Do you never stop for a minute and wonder what it must be like always to be laughed at in one of those 'Hot or Not' videos, to have your life turned into a bloody nightmare because the spiteful rumours are just too good not to spread (no need to bother with whether they're true or not), to be called 'weird' and 'retard' and 'freak.' (You're not very imaginative - it's the same bloody thing over and over again.) You probably think you're not a bully, if you don't actually go round beating people up or stealing their stuff. But most of you join in. You sit there laughing, smirking, encouraging the others. The worst among you, the very worst, are those who used to be friendly, but who have now decided that it's too much of a risk to hang out with the boy that everyone leaves out because he's 'weird', or the girl who doesn't dress right or behave in the way that you think is OK because it's 'normal.' I veer between hoping no other person ever has to know the kind of loneliness you've condemned my child to, and wishing that you could know just how bloody miserable it is. You have punished him because he's just different enough to deserve this kind of misery, and yet you would be outraged if anyone accused you of attacking the disabled. Did you know that children with special needs are vastly more likely to be bullied and marginalised in school? Did you know that in most cases it only takes two bystanders to intervene to stop a bullying attack? And almost all of you choose not to. Day after day after day you could make a real difference to someone right there in front of you in your class with the simplest, most basic act of kindness. Day after day you choose not to. So change your profile picture if you want to, but don't think that that is enough to change you into a decent person.
There's no point in asking you to imagine how you would feel if it happened to you, because most of you know damn well that it won't. But maybe you could think about how you'd feel towards somebody who treated your little brother or little sister in the same way. What would you think of those who laughed and joined in while people shouted insults at them, locked them in the loo in the bus and wouldn't let them out until they'd admitted that they were a 'retard'? And if, god forbid, anyone treats your own child like this in the future, then you will finally understand just how deeply parents like me hate people like you.

I have a dd with EDS and one with CP.

You don't need to have disabilitys for school kids to be vile to you, I just didn't have the right haircut! School is just a breeding ground for bullies they seem to be able to get away with it there, my school days were a fucking nightmare I'm 49 now and if I think about it too much it still brings me to tears. Also I home schooled my 8 yr old DD for a while as she was bullied too. Who ever said school was the best days of your life wants a slap

I agree that you should contact the school. Ask for it to be read out in assembly to the whole school and perhaps even anonymously in the newsletter so parents can read it. Very powerful letter. I'm sorry this is happening to your son.

What a heart breaking letter. I agree with what previous posters have said. This should be read out in assembly. It undoubtedly won't move the bullies but it will make the bystanders think.

DD has already spoken of reaching out to someone in her class who seems lonely but DS would probably stand by as he's had brushes with bullying himself and wouldn't want to put his head above the parapet. This letter that spells things out so clearly might make that difference.

to you and your boy.

There is something very wrong with a school this to allows this to continue. In their defence it is far too hard to permanently exclude bullies. For this I blame the government, though. However, they should be doing a lot more than they are.

YWBU to include all the DCs in your condemnation, though. There will be other struggling with SNs as well as your son and they are not in a position to stand up for him. There will be some like my DS1 who would be totally unaware of what's going on because he had a group of geeky close friends and they hung out together and ignored the rest.

Your fight is with the school that does not foster inclusion.

I'm so sorry your ds is going through that, and I think your letter is so well written that it would really resonate with those on the fringes of bullying to help them realise that their behaviour or even lack of intervention is contributing to the wider problem. Have you considered taking your letter to the school and seeing if it is something they would use in assemblies or PSE (do they still do these classes? Showing my age!) to raise the profile of 'passive bullying' (if that's the right terminology).

Fantastic letter. I agree that the school aren't doing enough. It shouldn't just be about punishment; they need education. They need educating about disability rights not only meaning improved wheelchair access. They also need to understand that neurological difference exists and that bullying the different is on the same spectrum that allows racism, sexism, homophobia and ableism. They need to understand what inclusion means. Unless and until they do, the odd lecture or even brief suspension won't achieve much.

DS is 7 and in a small primary where he's accepted and has been happy. His peers are kind - they keep him on track when dressing for PE apparently by constant reminders (I had wondered how he managed that when he can't at home) and generally just accept he's different. The staff love him, as with your son it sounds, and at their age that gives him status, rather than sniggers .But the thought of him at a 1000 kid secondary has literally given me nightmares before. He has "target" all over his forehead. I send love and just hope he realises that school is like this for a lot of us - adult life isn't.

I would want that letter read out by the form tutors in their personal social education sessions. It can be anonymous surely?

I was at school in the late 80s rural comp and we had a boy with a condition in our form. In the first week our tutor waited until he wasn't there and gave our class the most impassioned speech about how hard life would be for him and if any of us teased or bullied him she would kill us (or something can't remember details).Anyway remember it to this day. Our form became protective of him it was culturally unacceptable to be mean to him. I think this needs a stronger approach.

I'm so sorry for your child, how awful life must be for him.

Send the letter in to school. Ask them to use it to do an anti bullying assembly. Circulate the letter on FB, make people think and talk about the awfulness of standing by and allowing bullying to continue.

I don't blame you for wanting to home Ed, but truthfully can you? Do you have the teaching experience, knowledge of curriculums or financial reserves to access tutors? It's his GCSEs - I know I wouldn't be able to do it.

Good luck to you and your wonderful son.

There's no getting away from it, school for some children (a good many I suspect) is an utter bear pit and daily hell. Your post certainly resonated with me

My dd1: quiet, thoughtful, gentle, alternative and so different to the popular crowd, she just didn't 'fit' and they were vile to her because of it. Casually nasty and unkind. Every fucking exhausting day. She would steel herself and go in. Come home feel awful and hurt. Then go in the next day for more. I felt pure hatred for them and could have written your letter gladly. But they would just laugh it off My dd would have stuck up for your lovely ds Sally and been kind to him. I remember she did a similar thing once when her tutor group were being particularly viscous about another boy. So they turned on her too.

You are so right about the public persona they present (and I include the school ethos in this) loudly supporting causes that outrage them and yet daily dishing out what they do to some. They never seem to see the irony in it

All I can say is that it made dd determined to be as unlike them as she could be. When she left, a minority went to her college but without the affirmation of the wider group they did what all bullies do eventually and shrivelled.

At dd's college that sort of behaviour is seen as most pathetic and people are not short of pointing it out. Also, in her group of friends (to even be able to type that dd has a 'group of friends' is weird after barely any at school) is a chap who has additional needs and no-one makes a big deal of it other than to look out for him if necessary and give him a hand when and if required.

I'm so sorry for what your ds is dealing with op. If he can hold on to the thought that better is to come after school is done then hold that thought close. Dd says many of her tormentors have been rather nice to her since school. They seem to think she's pretty cool these days. Basically they grew up. She is coolly polite and indifferent.

My ds1 has dyspraxia. He is interested in science and buses and trains, understanding the way things work. He is not interested in, girls, football or fashion. He has been called weird and been teased by a group of kids, who I'm afraid we call arseholes at home. It makes me so angry. Fortunately the head of year stopped it. He has poor social skills which is why they got away with it for about 4 months. Please let your ds know, it's not just him.
The school have badly let your ds down. I think you should write a letter of complaint to the governors and a copy to the headteacher.

I am so sorry that you and your son are going through this. My sister was bullied terribly at school and I know the effects it has on the family as a whole.

Your letter is powerful and needs to be shared with the school and the students. It would take a pretty hard person not to be moved by this. The bullies need to know the consequences their behaviour is having on another human being. Those who stand by and condone the behaviour by laughing and smirking or just doing nothing need to know they are bullies too. Believe it or not sometimes they just don't get how bad it is for the victim. They are so caught up with fitting in and being cool they are blinded to it all. I also recommend the book Wonder, it should be compulsory.

for you Sally. Also to say, if your school isn't tackling this then they're failing your son and should be held to account. It's their job to make sure kids are safe and happy at school and they can't cry off because of lack of pupil referral units. I work in a school and bullying is taken very seriously - even online stuff outside school hours is dealt with through fixed term exclusions. It doesn't matter when his head of year started, they should be going through hell and high water to deal with it.

Have you seen the following documentary by Adam Pearson? It's covers your points exactly. I think the children should be made to watch it. It's available on BBC iplayer just now, but here's the utube link:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=B03jduD9N5o

I'm a secondary teacher and it never fails to amaze me how truly nasty children are capable of being. Last week I lost it (and I very rarely shout) at a couple of the nicest and most hardworking girls in one of my classes because of their disgusting attitude towards another pupil. They blatantly excluded her when I was stood talking to them and she was looking for a group to work with. I said no, she can work with you. I turn my back for five minutes and she is sat alone crying because they had told her to go and work with someone else and no one would have her in their group. (This has been an ongoing issue with this class.) I sent her to the toilet to dry her eyes and very calmly and sensibly had a conversation with the girls, put yourself in her position etc and told them she will be working with you when she comes back in. Again I turn my back to talk to another group of pupils, but am less than 2 meters from the girls and I can hear them bitching and moaning about this girl, saying they don't want to work with her, she's weird and she lies and then always cries and why should they have to work with her. That was when I lost it and shouted at them. They spent the rest of the lesson sucking up to me to try and get back in my good books, but it was me they were bothered about upsetting, not her 🙁 It is so very sad that they can't really see what they are doing.

If you wouldn't mind OP can I use your letter in a session with my form? Getting real life experiences and examples is a good way of trying to get them to engage with their behaviour a bit more. I'll keep it fully anonymous.

I would definitely send the letter to all senior leadership team (one of them should have responsibility e.g being paid for child welfare/being/protection) and chair of governors and ask for a subsequent meeting to create a plan of support and to be clear how the school are going to tackle this. Y11 is stressful enough without this and as one of the pp said home schooling at this stage is often detrimental.
There is a national company called IASS that Barnados is supporting - you may find your local group online - they may support and attend meetings in school if they have capacity. Also you can try the local head of Sen for the area you live in for further support.
And then as another poster suggested your local mp is a good contact too.
Wish you and son all the best 💐

It's a powerful letter and should be circulated. So sorry for the awful time your son has been having and for the pain it causes.

Lilly, that sounds awful--no wonder you lost it.

OP, as a secondary teacher I would say pull your DS for the final year. Let him focus on his studies in a safe and secure environment, I wouldn't break all contact with the school though. I'd be in touch explaining to the HT and governors that the school has failed to keep your DS safe he physically and emotionally. I would also expect the school to provide you with the syllabi he is studying and the resources he needs.

You may want the letter read out to staff and pupils (It's a very powerful piece of writing so would have an impact) but the school may choose not to. Other PP have said you could contact the police. It's definitely a route you could follow and I would definitely consider it if the cyber bullying continues.

Children can be so cruel and I wonder how the patents of these kids would feel if they knew the whole story.

A PP mentioned the novel Wonder. It's really worth a read although the boy in the story is aged 10 but the issues of bullying due to being different would obviously be pertinent. I introduced this novel to our Year 8s and they love it; it is possible for kids to see things from the other person's point of view but they need to be clearly shown what is wrong with their behaviour - I think your letter would do this.

Parents not patents

Hugs to you and your ds. Man's inhumanity to man.

Have you asked for the school to call in the parents of the bullies? You could quote the following laws in order justifying getting the parents in:

• The Equality Act 2010 which makes it illegal to discriminate because of disability. Discrimination includes “unwanted behaviour linked to a protected characteristic that violates someone’s dignity or creates an offensive environment for them.
• If your DS has a protected characteristic under the Equality Act 2010 (e.g. disability), the bullies could be subject to section 146 of The Criminal Justice Act 2003, which provides for increased sentences for aggravation related to disability.

there are other laws that cover bullying via social media - happy to give you the details if this is the case. If it is the case, you can also contact the social media providers.

You can obviously also contact the police. I wish the very best to you and your DS. As you can probably guess - I have been through something similar with my own DC.

I was horrendously bullied in school. I'm not special needs but likely if there had been a SEN child in my class, they would have borne the brunt of the bullying and not me. It was solidly day after day for 8 years. The children involved were from more affluent backgrounds and one had a parent on the board of management.

It only began to heal for me when the two instigators reflected on their behaviour much like your letter is asking as adults and individually apologised to me, deeply ashamed of the pain they caused.

If you give permission to share your letter, then I would very much like to share it on Facebook. If it makes one parent, one teen, stop and think, then it helps.

My dd and I have just read this in tears, you could be writing about her. She endured 18 months + of severe bullying before she broke. She is in the process of being diagnosed with autism, which is helping her to understand why she was 'different' and a target.

Have you heard of an organisation called Red Balloon? They help recover bullied children, their founder Dr Carrie Herbert is amazing. If you google her you will find the story of why she set up the organisation. This is their twentieth year, and I can honestly say that without them my daughter wouldn't be alive today.

I shall message you their contact details, please please ring them.

Your poor boy. If it's ok, I'd like to write a little letter to your son, from one dyspraxic to another.

Dear SallyMcGally's son,

I am dyspraxic too and every day was hell at school. I was bullied horribly, people used to shout "run, [name], run!" at me as I dashed between lessons to avoid them, they used to tell me I had no friends, they always made me feel like I was weird and not a "normal" person. I struggled through and I got good grades at GCSE, but by the time I got to sixth form I'd fallen apart, and I didn't do very well in my A levels. Things were a bit different for me because I wasn't diagnosed whilst I was at school, but I recognise what you went through so well.

I'm 25 now. Despite not doing very well in my A levels, I got to university and it was amazing. I studied Geography, got my diagnosis and with the right support in place I got a 2:1. I made friends, I was involved in all sorts of societies and I even found the confidence to stand in the Student Union elections.

I left uni and I got a job as an outdoor instructor. Things are harder when you have dyspraxia (and certainly when you have EDS as many of my friends do) but if you really want something, you will do it. I then did some jobs in the field I thought I wanted to be in before deciding I wanted to help others like me, so now I'm training to be a special needs teacher. I have the most amazing friends, I've got into a Russell Group university to do a Masters and life is pretty good now.

The bully's words will always affect me, but I've learned to drown them out. You will too. Dyspraxia makes us strong, creative and altogether awesome people. I have never met someone with dyspraxia who didn't have a particular talent: because it's a "specific learning disability" what we might lack in sporting or organisational skills we certainly make up for elsewhere. Have the courage to try new things, and don't let PE make you think you can't keep fit. There's exercise that works for all of us (I'm a keen cyclist and it took me ages to learnt to ride a bike).

Your bullies will never be nice people. They will never be as strong, as resilient as you will be. I have depression too and have found CBT really helped me to see that I wasn't the bad, not normal person I thought I was. Never be afraid to ask for help. Internet forums were my saviour when I was at school.

I hope this letter will help you to see that things won't always be this way, and that things DO get better. I work in a college and my students tell me coming here, away from school, changed their life. New friends, new crowds and the opportunity to study things they're really interested in make all the difference.

I wish you luck, but you won't need it. Just be you, and work towards your passions. You will be OK.

From a stranger on the internet touched by your story.

Hope you're feeling better this morning. My darling have you been in to see the head? Forgive me if you've stated that already in the thread. The head sets the tone for the school no matter how big it is.

I hope all this improves but a change of scene might be the best thing.
Unfortunately people of all ages can behave like pack animals when they are in an enforced situation like school or work . This year of children have lost their way. Someone needs to set them straight.
Any way all the best for you and your DS.