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To ask for your best examples of brass-neckedness to entertain us all on this dull day?

645 replies

Salmotrutta · 12/08/2014 11:15

I've got one from decades ago.

My older brother was about 18 and going out with a girl of about 16.

It was pretty short lived as she seemed to be a bit spoiled etc. and they were only teens after all.

My brother was the one who ended it but girl seemed to think Mum was behind it.

Mum wasn't but she had asked to girl to help bring in washing during the rain when she stayed over at our house one weekend as mum was in the middle of something when rain started.

This was apparently a criminal act to ask someone for a bit of help so girlfriend moaned to brother (who I think had got rather exasperated by her anyway by this point) and he ended it.

Apparently this did not go down well.

Next thing, her little sister phoned my Mum and castigated her for being the cause of all this! Little sister would have been about 14 and mum would have been about 45!

That didn't go down well either.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 13/08/2014 14:42

coola - a friend of mine once had a dinner guest rummage in her fridge without permission to retrieve a bottle of wine she had brought that had remained unopened.

This was despite necking back my friends wine.

OP posts:
Roussette · 13/08/2014 15:00

Oh heck all this is bringing back memories. Had a big do here one summer, marquees/awnings etc for an important occasion, had caterers in and everyfink. Invited a few of the neighbours to be ummm neighbourly.

One of them is vegetarian.. That's fine - we had two choices of vegetarian food in the cold buffet - spinach and filo pie and asparagus quiche plus loads and loads of salads suitable for veggies (as I like non meat food too). And tons of delicious desserts. As the caterers were packing up and I was in the kitchen writing out a cheque to the chief caterer (lovely woman), I saw this neighbour rummaging... I mean really rummaging... around in my fridge.

I asked her was there something she was looking for... (all the drink was outside) and she said that she was looking for cheese to make up a cheeseboard as she was still hungry.... lordy, you couldn't make it up could you... I'd paid squillions to have caterers in to cater for everyone, yet she was still hungry and wanted to find cheese Hmm How rude!

ptumbi · 13/08/2014 15:05

Coola - we used to have a friend who'd turn up for dinner parties with a bottle of wine, drink our wine all evening and then take his bottle home with him! Sometimes it wouldbe opened and half drunk, and he'd explain it as not wanting it to 'go to waste' .

Salmotrutta · 13/08/2014 15:07

Wine never goes to waste in this house...

OP posts:
ptumbi · 13/08/2014 15:08

Nor ours Grin - there was no need for him to take it!

ipswichwitch · 13/08/2014 15:20

My DBro has frequently taken/tried to take the mick but this took some beating.
He rang me a while back to ask to borrow my car....to drive to Poland! (We live up north, so a canny distance!) apparently he wanted to go with his girlfriend and her two DC for a visit, and thought my crappy 10yo fiesta would fit the bill.
Apart from the fact he had his own car, which was bigger and not so old and crappy as mine, he completely overlooked the fact that the DC didn't have passports, so what the hell was he planning to do with them whenever they crossed a border to another country? Hide them in the boot? What about insurance etc?
According to him it would be cheaper to drive the 4 of them than for his GF to get an easy jet flight by herself, and would only take a day to drive there (suspect he has no idea where Poland is actually), which is pretty ridiculous when travelling with 2 young DC, who I pointed out , will need to stop off regularly and probably need a hotel for the night on the way.
Aside from all the above reasons which made his request so absurd, when I pointed out I needed the car to get to work, he said " why can't you get the bus?"!!!
My reply of "why can't you stop being ridiculous" resulted in him hanging up and not speaking to me for weeks.

FreckledLeopard · 13/08/2014 15:58

I once offered to look after a friend's three-year old son whilst she went to a rave. I had DD with me (aged two) at the same time (was a single parent).

So, friend drops her son off around 10pm on the Saturday night. He arrives, starts playing loudly with toys etc. He then goes to the loo, doesn't flush it and I notice he has horrible diarrhoea.

I put him to bed, get to bed myself and am woken fairly rapidly by the sound of vomiting. All over the bed and the floor. Plus more diarrhoea. I clean up, stick sheets in bath (didn't have a washing machine as was in student accommodation, so there was a washing block a short walk from the house). The kid throws up and has diarrhoea all night (although he was very cheerful about it). I call up my friend. She manages to answer phone. I say that her son is ill, she might like to pick him up. She replies, very, very slowly, "I'm too stoned to move."

Great! "When do you think you'll be able to move?" I asked. "Don't know" was the answer.

She didn't turn up until 7pm the following evening. I'd supposed to be going out with DD and friends to the cinema that afternoon. When she arrived I was too angry to talk to her. She then tried to be all sweet and hug me. I told her to sod off and that I didn't think it was a brilliant idea to take so much ketamine that you were immobile for 18 hours, if you had a small child.

She yelled at me, "how dare you judge me", grabbed sick child and flounced off.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 13/08/2014 16:29

When DH and I got engaged we made a visit to family where DH met many of them for the first time. I was in my late 30s and had never been married. DH was and is, if I do say so myself, a rather charming and physically attractive man and just a couple of years older than me.

My step-grandmother (as in my grandfather's second wife, but who had been in the family since I was a child) said to my mother "Scone is so lucky to be marrying [insert DH's name here]; he could have had any of those younger girls."

vladthedisorganised · 13/08/2014 16:29

Blimey Leopard!

One I saw in the local paper/ website - a girl (with obligatory DM sadface) asking for 'crowdfunding' for a new prom dress and stretch limo to take her to her school prom, plus a bit of spending money as 'money was tight for her these days'.

When someone from the same school pointed out in the comments section (not unreasonably I felt) that arriving in a stretch limo was by no means obligatory and that she could always wear something less formal that she had already, she replied "I didn't get in touch with the paper to be JUDGED, I just hoped that compassion wasn't DEAD as it clearly is for some!"

Not sure whether anyone donated to her 'appeal'...

wordsmithsforever · 13/08/2014 16:46

These are shockers - especially the palming-off-children-for-days ones!

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 13/08/2014 16:49

A colleague once got the main office to ring and get me to cover a client meeting at very short notice (about an hour) because she was ill. They thought it was a bit sus but had little option but to arrange cover. I cancelled something and rushed in to work. To see her flouncing off for dinner with her boyfriend. Busted.

I had no option but to do it anyway, we couldn't let the client down. The next day she came in while I was on the 'phone and put a bottle of wine on my desk with a nauseating smile, then crept out. I finished my call, went into her office and plonked the wine down on the desk and let her have it for about 5 minutes for being so dishonest.

She was really taken aback. I think I was either supposed to find the passionate love affair that required skiving off work to spend the evening together charming, or be too conventional to haul her up for lying. Wrong on both counts.

MrsVamos · 13/08/2014 16:53

Salmo !

Congrats on a classic !

Can't reveal any of mine, too outable.

Salmotrutta · 13/08/2014 17:04

Hey Mrs Vamos!! Grin

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 13/08/2014 17:06

God, I've remembered another one from the sports venue. Chap turns up with 9 year old DD. Now, newbies and minors HAVE to be accompanied for the first visit by a trained member, and under-14s can't be alone ever.

So this chap gets the hump when I tell him a) he needs checking out on the gear by an instructor, b) he MUST stay with his daughter and c) I don't instruct when I'm on the till.

"But I've made arrangements! I can't back out! Of course you can instruct!"

"No, I can't. Nor have I a CRB ticket; all my pupils have to be adults."

"This isn't good enough! Where's the manager?"

"You're looking at him."

Assorted frothing noises later he left, his poor daughter absolutely crimson.

Halsall · 13/08/2014 17:14

Just remembered this!

A long time ago now, I had to share a small office with someone (slightly eccentric building where we were all crammed in odd corners). Colleague was OK-ish but had a bit of an inflated opinion of himself.

One day he begged me to let him borrow notes I'd made for a major research project because he needed to read up before an interview coming up for an internal job in the same area as my research, very much a promotion for him.

Like a trusting idiot, I lent him the notes.

Much later I heard from someone else that not only had he read them to prepare, he'd photocopied them and taken them to the interview where he pretended they were his. They were a major factor in getting him the job and he was complimented on them. It was all in my handwriting too (pre-computers).

For years afterwards I used to see his name as he ascended the career ladder in our quite public (arty, creative) field.

Wazzock Angry

FetchezLaVache · 13/08/2014 17:31

Not me, my ex DSIL.

A few years ago, my DSIL did a huge favour for someone who was, in contrast to most of the favourees on this thread, actually grateful, and bought her dinner, bed & breakfast for two in a nice hotel to say thanks. She decided to take Jane, a woman she'd known for about a year and had become really close to.

Over dinner, Jane dramatically announced that there was something DSIL needed to know about her if they were to be close friends. Jane had been having an affair with a married man, the one true love of her life, for many years. And in fact, he just happened to be in the area that evening, so was going to join them for drinks in about... ooh, 30 seconds.

So they had this really uncomfortable drink, Jane and MM pawing each other and DSIL exuding disapproval, whereupon Jane and MM suddenly discover they are really tired and then it transpires that completely coincidentally, he just happens to be staying in the same hotel!

Guess which room Jane stayed in that night?

So DSIL found herself alone in her room at 9pm while her friend enjoyed the extra-marital shagging she'd used DSIL's treat as cover to engineer.

They're not friends any more.

oldgrandmama · 13/08/2014 17:33

Here's another one: my late husband and I became mildly friendly with a woman who ran the bar in a hotel in Germany that we sometimes stayed in. She was very jolly and chatty. Fast forward a couple of years -my beloved husband suddenly died (very traumatic night - he was ill just one hour, died in my arms before medical help could arrive) - we'd been married only three years.

I returned to live in the UK. German woman had kept in touch and she started dropping heavy hints about coming to visit. Fine, I said, we could meet up for lunch or something - after all, she was a jolly soul, and only a few years younger than I (both in our fifties then). So then she started banging on about how expensive hotels in London were, couldn't she stay with me, it'd be such fun ... mug that I am, I weakened. So on the day she was due to arrive, I was having my coffee and toast at 9 a.m. when she turned up, having arrived at City Airport. I offered her some toast and she said didn't I have any wine?! I mumbled something about some chardonnay in the 'fridge and she said that'd be perfect. And could I make her an omelette, perhaps with some smoked salmon?

I soon found out how she managed to be so jolly - she was permanently sloshed. After her breakfast wine, she'd go off to meet friends in various London drinking clubs for more booze. Then to a pub for pre lunch drinkies, then long long lunch with - you've guessed - wine and brandies to finish off. Another drinking club in the afternoon, then she'd turn up at my place to change for dinner, necking whatever wine I had (and to be fair, she brought back bottles herself and always offered me some)

Boozy dinner, of course - then a club or too. I spent a day out with her so I know just what her routine was - never again!

Her liver, of course, was her own affair but God, she was annoying when it came to the phone. I had just one line and in those days, dial-up internet. So if phone used, internet not available, and vice versa. She unplugged an extension and plugged it into her bedroom, and whenever she was in, she was on the bloody phone ALL the time, I assumed talking to her British friends. Wrong! Turned out she was phoning mates all over the bloody world - nothing important, but relating who she'd met, where she'd been boozing, what she'd had for lunch/dinner and what she'd bought. When she'd finally left, my phone bill was well into three figures - for that one week!

I realised, from her ramblings, that she was a sort of 'professional mistress', to put it charitably. She had a stable of married lovers, who seemed to pay for everything, including her air far to London, her rent, lots of 'presents', any inconvenient bills. Particularly unpleasant was the way she was so disparaging of their poor wives, laughing and sneering at them. She then told me that she kept in touch with even the lovers who weren't even lovers any longer (hmmmm ....blackmail, I couldn't help wondering?) apart from the THREE who had committed suicide Shock

But what finally did it for me was when we were talking about my late husband, what a lovely guy he was etc., and she told me that she 'could have taken him away from me any time she liked, but she chose not to ...'

For some years after, she phoned often dropping hints about another visit, but I was polite and firm - NO bloody way. I heard earlier this year that she's suffered several strokes. I actually felt quite sorry for her, to be honest. But the amount she drank, I'm amazed it didn't happen earlier.

alterego333 · 13/08/2014 17:33

Three of us were official keyholders for the office I worked at. All senior managers, one of whom was responsible for the burglar alarm contract, and the other our MD. The two of them were very tight as they had all sorts of financial shenanigans going on. Our office building was old and not particularly well maintained, and I had a call one night (about 2:00am) from the alarm company to say that the alarm was going off. Dragged myself out of bed, slung my clothes on and set off into the night expecting to find the front door had shifted in the high winds which would account for the alarm going off. 20 minutes drive through wind and rain. Arrive at office, check the premises, re-set the alarm and head back for home. OK, it's just one of those things.

A couple of weeks later, same scenario. When I took the phone call I asked "Is no-one else available to go this time?" and was told I was the only person they could contact. Repeat performance as before. Not happy.

A third occurrence happened not long after. When I took the call (thinking that I could quite reasonably have been away for the weekend and therefore unable to attend the poxy alarm) I asked the alarm people if they had tried the other two keyholders first. "We only have your contact details" they said! I drove all the way to the office shouting "Bastards, bastards, bastards!" at the top of my voice. Even though my mood had muted somewhat by Monday morning, I let my colleagues know exactly what I thought of the arrangement and felt a right pillock for having taken so long to suss them out.

MrsCosmopilite · 13/08/2014 17:43

A couple from recent years.
I'm a mature student at Uni. One assignment we had seemed to be very difficult for a few of the peer group I was working in. I had my assignment printed, bound and handed in around 10am on the submission day. Assignment due to be handed in at 2pm. At 1.30 one of my classmates turned up in the study room, and after a little chit-chat handed me his laptop asking me to write his discussion and conclusion "because you're good at that". I pointed out politely why this was not a good way to work. Two hours later he was still writing....

Another student in the same group stopped attending lectures, stopped participating in the 'round robin' email that was being pushed by me and another student to collaborate our findings (we'd done some group work and needed to pool/cross-examine what we'd done to create a consolidated feedback section). After five weeks of pushing I gave up including him, put all the findings into a table, provided diagrams to those who'd participated, finished the assignment and handed it in. On handin day he turned up and had the audacity to berate me for not providing him with tables and diagrams. Eventually he conceded that not turning up to lectures, not contributing anything and not responding to 20+ emails suggested to me that he'd left the course and therefore would not require any further updates.

KERALA1 · 13/08/2014 17:59

Had an awful flat mate once who was shagging her boss. He often came to our flat. She held a small party at our flat to celebrate qualifying and invited her team plus partners and me. I was told to pretend I didn't know the boyfriend as me knowing him could give them away!

Hated talking to the wife, who had just had her third child, whilst I a complete stranger to her knew her husband was going out with my flatmate. Horrid.

HolePunchFour · 13/08/2014 17:59

At Cambridge, I had a "friend", someone older who I had met outside. Not a student.

We were mainly random casual text buddies, he didn't want to spend time with me 1-1. He was interesting, but not really a deep friendship or someone who I could contact in a crisis, etc.

Call him Jimmy.

I was organising a college sports social thing, and asked Jimmy if he wanted to come along.

"Beg me" he texted back. I ignored it, he turned up anyway.

Amongst all the bright young thangs, and took a shine to one girl: they exchanged about two sentences. She gave no signs she was interested in him. Looking back, she was WAY out of his league. He left early.

He e-mailed me the next day, he was smitten, he really had never met anyone like her, could I get in touch with her?

Jimmy was a bit of an overthinking nervous character.

Rather than asking to "pass my number on" he composed a long e-mail in which he "hinted" what a great/interesting guy he was and then "casually" mentioned at the end: "Oh, M seemed very interesting, please tell her I'd love to chat over a coffee."

I had to forward it on to her.

So: being the young romantic I was, I forwarded it onto her.

She sent a nice one back, saying she was partnered up (bright young academic, so totally different to Jimmy) thanks but no thanks.

Oh, if "I" wanted to meet for a girly coffee please give her a shout.

I sent one to Jimmy and he sent one back demanding I HAD to take her up on the coffee.

Basically, his plan was I needed to stalk her and make friends with her and break her relationship up for HIS benefit.

I declined.

believeintheshield · 13/08/2014 19:05

Mine is very tame compared to some of the ones on here. I had a housemate who would regularly go into my room and take my DVDs without asking. He'd never put them back, and I'd never actually see him in my room. One day I came home to find that my TV was gone. I went into his room to see that it was there - his had broken so he thought he'd borrow mine. This would be bad enough, but I decided enough was enough and took it all back, including every DVD he'd had off me. He was out at the time. When he came back, he had the gall to come and have a go at me for going into his room without permission! I was so taken aback I just gaped at him! I moved out shortly after.

nicenewdusters · 13/08/2014 19:14

Many years ago went to stay for the weekend with lovely friend and her very annoying boyfriend. He wasn't there on arrival, phoned her 2 hours later to say he'd met a friend on the way to the barbers and they were now pissed in the local pub. We met up with them at a restaurant, where in his drunken state he set fire to the table cloth by playing with the candle on the table.

My friend showed us to our room for the night. It was a mattress on the floor with clearly used bed sheets etc. She said she hoped we didn't mind, some other friends and her brother had recently stayed and the sheets were still pretty clean !

About 8 am the next morning she knocked on the door to say some of their friends had called and were offering to drive them out of town to go walking. She explained they rarely had the chance to do this, so did we mind if they went, and of course we could come too. We replied that we had no walking gear, and had to get our train home fairly early that afternoon as we had work the next day. Her reply - ok, just help yourself to breakfast, and if you could lock the front door on your way out just pop the keys back through the letterbox !!

The thought of our faces as we sat in absolute disbelief still makes me smile - and she married him !

GoggleFox · 13/08/2014 19:33

I lived next to a building whose lower flower was turned into a coffee shop.

They hung tea towels out across my yard which I mentioned not being happy with to one of the waitresses. I came home one day to find they had put up a shed partly on my yard! I posted about it on here at the time as I was fuming and a witty MNetter quipped "Give them a yard and they'll take a mile..."

They underestimated me; the shed was down within days.

GoggleFox · 13/08/2014 19:34

lower floor!