Forgive me any typos, too much wine, a weeks worth of nerves, not much sleep of late (thanks DD) and pressure to please the lovely MNers who have egged me on offered constructive suggestions, all play a part. Also I may miss out things but will add anything I else I remember tomorrow.
And without further ado, the full report as promised.
Menu - none of my bravado suggestions (apart from pudding) made it as I obviously bottled it, but did manage a few bits of subtle bonkers.
Starter: Antipasti ? dull dull dull, I know but I did arrange some olives into a pyramid and use giddy Christmas dishes to serve up on.
Main: Mushroom, Asparagus and Parmesan Risotto (this, I thought was a good balance between grown up food and comfort food (see fig 1. Macaroni cheese)
Pudding: I managed ice cream sundaes with sprinkles, squirty cream, marshmallows and lit sparkers .
Nuts/Snacks: More of these later....
Mr and Mrs B arrived pretty much on time (10 mins late). They bought a lovely bottle of Chablis Grand Cru which me and DH have already vulgarly googled and found to cost around £50 
. Mrs B apologised for them being late explaining that ?Mr B was stuck on a work call?. There after she referred to him using his pet name. Now, here is my first dilemma ? I really want to tell you it but am worried about outing them/me. ... Oh fuck it, it?s ?Chopsy?. So, she spent the entire evening addressing him as, and referring to him as Chopsy.
They made a huge fuss of our £8.99 bottle of Oyster Bay Sauv Blanc, saying how delicious it was (which made me think they were actually quite lovely), and then we had an odd moment when DH noticed Mr B had taken his shoes off. He had parked them neatly by the door, and I certainly don?t mind, but he made no reference to it, no ?do you mind? etc... Then my DH (and if you ever read this DH, I salute you) walked in to the living room with a bowl of snacks that he had secretly bought on the way home from work, and managed to say (with a straight face) ?Pom Bear anyone?? I promptly lost it and had to leave the room on some pretext, before returning red faced.
Mostly normal conversation pre-dinner with one or two points of note:
Mr B (I can?t actually refer to him as Chopsy myself you understand): ?Oh Fuck Christmas, we don?t bother. Mrs B, DD and I have Christmas lunch in a hotel on Christmas Eve and then laze around all day Christmas eating nuts in our PJs?
Mrs B: ?You don?t have any PJs Chopsy?
Mr B: ?Well pants then. We do wear the party hats though?
Me and DH: (nervous laughter)
And then later
Mr B: (referring to a period where he was based in China for work) ?Of course, everyone carries umbrellas all the time ? rain or shine. Put me right off.?
Me: ?Oh, do you not like umbrellas??
Mr B: ?Can?t stand the things.?
DH (bravely): ?Yes I know what you mean, they poke people in the eyes and take up so much space?
Mr B: ?Oh no, I don?t mind that.?
Silence. End of conversation
We sit down to dinner. Starter goes without a hitch aside from Mrs B having a mild version of the laughing outburst. Again, DH and I try to ?join in? but we are excluded from joke although it doesn?t feel cruel IYSWIM.
I bring in risotto at which point Mrs B says ?Oh god, should have said, Chopsy doesn?t do fungus?
Silence during which I feel irate/panic/nearly laugh, at which point Mr B (Bless him) say?s ?Don?t worry, I can pick the mushrooms out?. I try to protest on the basis that they are the key ingredient, and offer something else, but he insists and proceeds to spend the entire meal picking bits of mushroom out of his dinner like a toddler.
Cuckoo clock goes off twice. Nobody remarks on it or even acknowledges it even though it?s really loud and utterly mad. The second time it goes off, I am aware that it?s imminent and start to panic that I am feeling a bit hysterical. When it finally happens I snort v. quietly and start shaking slightly but DH gives me a withering look and I pull it together. Nobody else reacts.
Bring in pudding. Everyone seems to enjoy it and they don?t seem to think it?s odd that they have ice cream with sparklers (or are too polite to say). Mrs B asks Mr B if he wants her cherry? Mr B answers ?you can?t give it away twice you know?, Mrs B ignores joke and wraps glace cherry in tissue and takes it home for the dog who loves Glace Cherries (I actually wrote ?cherry?? on the pinboard in the kitchen so I wouldn?t forget to report this bit back to you all 
). Then Mr B finishes his ice cream and does this odd shuffle towards me (as I am taking dishes out) looking doe-eyed and says (a la Oliver Twist) ?please sir can I have some more?? I say ?Of course, do you want more of the toppings as well?? and Mrs B starts singing ?Food Glorious Food?. DH escapes into the kitchen with me (and then goes upstairs to google the wine).
Post dinner: We chat about DCs, work - Mrs B is clearly a top corporate lawyer , cooking - Mrs B says Mr B is a ?whizz? in the kitchen?? Really?? and holidays - Mr B tells us that his parents have a lovely cottage in Cornwall and we must go down with them.
I boldly ask Mrs B why they have ?heaps if turps? to which she replies ?We?ve got heaps of everything?. Then adds ?except glace Cherries?. Cue Mr and Mrs B hysterical laughter.
End of evening (10ish). They get up to leave, we say goodbye. Mrs B does 2 air kisses, Mr B refrains from pinching my bottom but does tight hug/squeeze thing and then leaves still in his socks, with his shoes in his hand (rather than putting them back on to walk to the car). Mrs B tells him the pavement is soaking, Mr B says they?ll be home in ten minutes...
In conclusion: They are nice. They are definitely a bit bonkers. They probably now think we are bonkers. DH and I both think that they have a kind of innocence about them that comes from being ?born wealthy? and not originally from the city. They are quite 80?s ? a bit Jilly Cooper-esque IFKWIM.
Swinging tendencies ? inconclusive. And fun as they are, I don?t want to go to their cottage in Cornwall and hope the invite was an empty gesture.
And finally I can't believe how much my evening (menu / asking about turps etc) was actually influenced my MN - perhaps I am bonkers?
Discuss.