O.K so Tiggs is going to bare her soul for one day and one day only so you guys can get where I'm coming from. Estar You are totally right thank you for your prayers and FG wise as always and your words mean a lot and are also very true.
As you know from my flounce before I get really bad panic attacks and sometimes find it hard to get out.I have had a lot of counselling over the years to find out why and things were only made clearer once I had my kids and it all came flooding back.
As a child lets just say a certain family member wasn't the type of person that you would want around your children. Unfortunately I was put in situations with this person that I always had to fight off and plan escape routes from,which always left me with a feeling of being trapped,hence I can't do public places and stuff because I always feel like I need to have an escape route.
Anyway by the age of ten I couldn't take anymore I was tired of fighting so I just simply stayed in bed.....for a year. Social serives came and took me away and because no-one knew what was wrong they had nowhere to put me so I ended up in an adult mental institution with people who were seriously mentally ill until my teenage years. the only control I had left was over myself and I developed an eating disorder,which raises its head from time to time when I feel I'm not coping. I found it hard to cope after that and went through years of drinking and drug taking which came to a head when I was left to die one night alone as my 'friends' were too scared to call an ambulance incase they got in trouble. After that I got my life back together moved away got a job and buckled down.
This is the reason that I have always felt that I need a protector in life which I thought DH was. When my dad died I went straight back into child mode and everything came crashing down again,I lost my job,I stopped going out and I was a mess. Instead of DH helping me he was happy for me to be stuck in and preferred it that way,which has continued to this day. I have also had to carry him too as since the babies were born he has tried to kill himself three times.
I can't stress enough to you all how this is in my past and not the way I am feeling today. I can't get on with my life with dH in it. I'll be stuck with dreams that I will regret if I do. the only thing that I am proud of are my kids and I want to keep doing that job well,which means I have to be brave and move on.
I have met someone,nothing has gone on but he has given me the strength and hope that there is more out there for me. Hes smart well travelled,well read (HOT!!) and is just a true gentleman in every sense of the word. I don't know what will happen,but I can't stay with Dh when I have such strong feelings and hope for someone else. However badly hes treated me and the kids (which he has constantly) I can't do it to him.
So thats it really,I am heartbroken but also very happy to have found someone as wonderful as I have. Even if things don't work out I'll always be glad that he came into my life and showed me the right way and how people treat each other in a real relationship.
O.k so I have probably taken up the whole of this thread now!!
But that is Tiggers story. I am a fighter always have been,always will be so please don't worry about me. I just wanted you all to know how things were. I'm going to press the post button quick now before I change my mind!!!!