Twins. I am not enjoying this.

[Notthelife]

I gave birth to twins three weeks ago and I’m not enjoying it at all. They are my third and fourth babies and so I have been through the newborn stage before but this time it just feels overwhelmingly shit. They aren’t even difficult - all they do is sleep, feed and poo, but it just feels like too much.

I didn’t want twins. I didn’t want four children. I can’t get my head around it. I’m trying to take each day as it comes but the thought of the future fills me with dread. Every morning I get up and I feel anxiety in my chest. It usually goes by the end of the day but today it’s hitting me hard.

How do I get past this? I can’t change it now. How I do I find any joy? Do I just have to wait until I go back to work in a year? I’m trying to get out of the house and do things which helps, but I can’t imagine how I’m going to manage a year of maternity leave. With my other two, getting out and about every day was what kept me sane. How am I meant to do that with two babies?

Are my feelings real or is it hormones or PND? How would I know the difference? Raising twins is going to be difficult so perhaps my emotions are normal and I just have to get over it?

Please help. I don’t want to feel like this.

Having a baby is a shock to the system, so I can’t imagine what’s it’s like having two, even if you’ve had children before. It’s good that you’re acknowledging it’s hard, and taking steps to address this. Definitely speak to your gp/mudwife/health visitor to see how they can support you. Are there any twin/multiple birth support groups locally. Meeting other mums (and having a moan together) will help.

https://twinstrust.org

This organisation may be able to provide support as well.

(and congratulations!)

People seem to gloss over the sheer drudgery of babies/young kids. If you can afford it get help, if the three year old is not in nursery put them in one - my older boy went two full day nursery/daycare two days a week when I had my second. Don't feel you have to do it in your own.
And do talk to your health visitor if you have one (I never did) or at the baby clinic.
I remember a colleague of my DH who was very career oriented, always very stylish and groomed, and I always felt she looked down at me as a full time mother, like the 'what do you DO all day' attitude. Then she had twins and we visited her (she was very nice really) and she was all over the place - hair unwashed, in sweats, house no longer the show home it was before...
babies are hard, twins more than double the trouble and with two older ones? I salute you. One day at a time.

The eldest is at school and does breakfast and after school club twice a week and the 18 month old is at nursery full time as I can’t cope with having her at home at the same time as the babies. I’m just not cut out for it.

My husband is on paternity leave for a couple more weeks and then he goes back to work and I will feel well and truly lost. It’s not even that it’s hard - it’s just not what I want to be doing.

My midwife has been useless but the perinatal mental health midwife is coming to see me in a couple of weeks.

I don’t think I’m bonding with the babies but I don’t know how. I have stopped breastfeeding already because it felt impossible. I give them cuddles and feel affection towards them. I feel like I don’t want them out of my sight. But at the same time I just can’t enjoy them being here because, as hard as this is to say, I didn’t choose them. I didn’t choose to have twins.

I feel like such a failure.

You aren’t a failure. Not many people (if any) would be in your situation and think it’s easy.
I would pay for whatever you can afford, cleaner, nursery, Hello Fresh etc

I had twins, with a 2-year-old already in the house, and it's HARD. It's just drudgery, with little time to sit down and look at them lovingly. Adopting a strict routine worked well for me. We did Gina Ford (she has a twins book) and the main advantage is that it gives you times in the day to actually sit down and recover, while both babies sleep. I know MN is often quite down on Gina Ford, but our twins were sleeping through the night by 8 weeks old - which made life seem possible. Baby bouncer chairs were also a life-saver. Meant I could wash and dry one baby while the other one sat. We had a side-by-side double buggy with a buggy board on the back for the older child; or sometimes I'd go out with one baby in a cheap single buggy and the other in a sling. Going out with twins is a pain in the arse - mainly because of the sheer amount of stuff you need to bring - but it did keep me sane. Also... it does get better. I found the first 6 months really boring, tbh: endless hard work and little pay back. But when twins start interacting properly with one another, it's really magical to see their relationship develop. Now, 10 years on, I feel so so lucky to have had twins - but, like you, in the early days and while I was pregnant I really didn't want at all.

Hi there I'm a twin mum - I get it - my ex husband left before they were 1 because he didn't want twins either and found it too hard. It's relentless and it's made worse as twins - contrary to popular belief - don't always do everything at the same time....like SLEEP but they will 💩 and cry and want feeding at the same time! You feel like you can't bond because there is always someone else who needs attention like the other twin or an older child. You constantly feel the guilt that you aren't doing enough and someone is being let down. I don't really have any pearls of wisdom - other than it's just a case of getting through it best you can - don't limit yourself though - you can still do baby groups and walks and breastfeed. Ask for help or outsource what you can just to take less one decision off your hands x

Fellow mum of twins here. Mine are now grown up though.

I love my twins. I have an amazing bond with them. I was a single parent from the time they were 4 months until 6 years so we were a close knit unit of 3. Even though they are also very close to DH who is 'dad' (they haven't seen bio dad since aged 2), it's not even close to our bond.

I'm not saying this to make you feel worse. I'm saying it because for the first 2 years of their life I literally felt like I was on an endurance test. Yes there were lovely moments - first steps, etc - but generally the whole thing felt like a long hard slog. Sometimes I feel bad, even now all these years later, that I didn't take more enjoyment from those early years but it was just one hard slog and I was so, so exhausted all the time. The relentlessness of feeding one then the other, changing one then the other, oh another load of washing to do, nap time, now one's awake, ok settled that one but now the other is awake. It is hard.

Looking back, I think my coping mechanism was to partly shut down and just go into military operation mode. I was ruthlessly organised and practical. I went through the motions and just got through the day until one day I realised it felt a lot easier and I actually started to enjoy parenthood.

So what I'm saying is don't be hard on yourself. Twins are hard work. If you feel really bad speak to your HV or GP to explore the possibility of PND but it's normal to feel like this to some extent with twins. At this stage it is literally twice the work of one baby!

The pay off comes later. 😊 And it does come.

Heavens you aren’t a failure

It’s early days OP. Have you got a plan for back to work? Even though it’s a way off it’s something to look forward to and you know some normality will return.

well done you for being so honest

DH said to me that having twins is something very few people get to experience.

I felt better once DH went back to work and I could arrange my own time and get into a routine.

Saying that I had 3 kids not 4 but they were all at home with me - too young for school and no money for nursery!

You can and do get through it, mine are 19 and a joy.

Another twin mum here sending you a massive internet hug.

We were living overseas when my boys were born, husband was working long hours, so I didn't have any additional help. The first few months were so hard, and like one of the PP, the only way I could get through it was to keep my head down and see it like endurance training (rather than military...which would also apply!), be incredibly organised, and not really look up at the bigger picture. I really wish it could have been easier and that I had more help. As I wasn't able to really enjoy the boys in the early days (something I'm still wishful about when I see mums with singleton's).

Eventually though it got easier and it just became a joy. I think this was when they were about 4-5 months old? My boys went everywhere with me; there were lots of crazy moments and a lot of fun. We still have the most wonderful bond, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Please do get checked by your healthcare provider if you are concerned about PPD. The sleep deprivation is unreal with twins and its always a good idea to chat it though if you are concerned.

It will get easier and you have so many wonderful times in front of you.

These feelings are valid and it IS total drudgery keeping them alive day-by-day. I felt shock when mine were born, I also felt I had made the worst mistake of my life but that feeling very slowly faded. I would never have anymore, twins was such a reality bolt.

Please know you’re not alone feeling this way.

Twins are an ENORMOUS slog. Mine are just out of toddlerhood and I'm only starting to see glimmers of normality. I'd suggest:

• contact Homestart so you get an extra pair of hands in to help
• get a sleep consultant in to get them in a routine pronto and, when theyare a bit older,sleep trained. If you aren't using formula please consider it.
• do anything that makes your life easier - ready meals, more childcare for the older ones, whatever.
• Find things you do want to do, which are viable with twins. A walk to a coffee shop, a visit to the supermarket, a local park with them in the pram and you listening to a podcast - anything.

Hugs. It is bloody hard.

Yeah I had twins.

It's hard.

They went to a childminder at 9 months two days a week just so I could sleep.

Before that I joined a gym with a crèche for two hours in the morning and I used to up twice a week and just sleep in the jacuzzi.

It's hard. Do what you need to do.

I had twins as DC 2 and 3. They were very prem and tbh all their follow up appointments forced me out of the house…
Am a complete advocate of routine for twins - saved my sanity and I did treat it like a pp as a bit like military precision. Also did Gina Ford (with a few tweaks) to give us all some time when I wasn’t feeding or nappy changing.
I tried to build in tiny treats - e.g got a takeaway coffee when out for a walk with them. Sounds a bit pathetic but helped and gave me something to leave the house for.

It was tough OP and I did worry about my bond for the first few months. Felt like I was going through the motions. Check in with your GP re PPD. I was much more in the swing of it by the time they were starting to sit and engage a bit, but was still really happy to go to work pt when they were 1. They’re 19 now and are incredible young men having had their fair share of challenges. They get on really well and bring me immense joy. Hang in there OP. (I did go on to have a 4th after a number of years too.. so recovered enough.)

Thank you for all the very kind and helpful replies.

I have woken up again this morning and my chest is heavy. I hate this. I hate it so much. I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want this. I don’t want twins. I don’t want four children.

How do I stop feeling like this? Do I just have to wait?

Time OP. Sorry. But see what small step you can take today to make things easier. Eg, email Homestart to say you have twins and would like an extra pair of hands.

Sending a huge hug and a coffee x

You sound very low and have responsibilities that don’t give you any break. I would suggest an appt with your GP to discus depression and ask for some help.That might mean medication which may take a while to get into your system but should help.
Your situation sounds incredibly hard - but try to get to speak to your GP as soon as you can. A telephone consultation may be the easiest way to get the ball rolling.

Another Twin mum here, mine are 26 now. I had a 16 month old when they were born and I honestly don't remember the first 2 years I was so busy. Sending you lots of love. The bonus is they do play well together.
Take every offer of help you get, if they are not genuine they will not offer again!

Much love to you
(I went on the have 3 more so it can't have been all bad)

@Notthelife

I would push for some more professional help OP. Have you tried something like Homesstart? If I'm honest having twins doesn't get any easier as they get older and I think you'll need your support / coping mechanisms in place and established - I wish I did. When ex left - for about a year I thought this is easy I can do this and so just cracked on. Now I'm struggling trying to get help now is harder x

I have four children and although I didn't have twins, I had a 15 month gap between my first two and had 4 under 7 for a bit!

It's HARD. Really hard, and I say that even though I loved being at home with my 'tribe'. I have a very supportive DH, even though he worked long hours and was often on business trips abroad, he would do masses at the weekends and try and give me a break as much as possible. All I would say is that the days are long but the years are short - you are right in the depths of the trenches now but it WILL get better.

However, I would also suggest seeing your GP - you sound low, and there is support out there. I would also see if you have a HomeStart local to you (disclosure - I was a volunteer for a while and then worked as a family co-ordinator until this summer - so I'm a huge advocate for the wonderful charity). Also, are there local twin groups you can go to? Do you have anyone who can go with you?

Sympathies OP - it is hard, but you are doing brilliantly I'm sure.

I had twins with a two year old and 4 yo at home and would echo other posters who say it I’d hard. I’d also never planned on four children we are both one of three. Do try and get as much help as possible. I didn’t, I find it really hard to ask for help as I am a one of life’s donkeys. I just keep plodding on no matter what. With hindsight I regret that though as I was quite dangerously sleep deprived.

It’d a cliche but it does get easier and once the twins were about three they played together and entertained each other for hours. My twins are nearly ten now and all the struggles are a distant memory.

Please don't feel bad for any of your feelings. However you are feeling is valid. It may be hormones or pnd and so I would recommend speaking to your gp.

As pp have said, you can only focus on one day at a time and emailing for support or joining Twins Trust is a great first step. I joined Twins Trust when mine were tiny and just hearing other people's stories and feeling less alone helped me. I also joined a local twin group. This was a life-changer for me as everyone there was in a similar boat and, actually, many of them had twins (or triplets) slightly older than mine so had lots of great advice. Be kind to yourself...this is a huge adjustment.

Seeing tiny babies for cuddles is amazing
Having tiny baby for 24/7 not so much. Sure he was darn cute, but it's a long repetitive slog - and I only had one!
Hang in there.

Another twin mum here. Please be very gentle with yourself. 3 weeks is no time to adjust to your new situation. It honestly takes time to find ways to make things easier, to get out and about and make it work better for you. I think bonding can sometimes take longer with twins too. Is there anyone who can come and help you for a few hours a day? Also, if you Google the name of your town and ‘twins group’ you will find one. They are great places to go. I only had enough energy to show up and eat biscuits to start with. Went on to make some great friends there! Have you thought about converting some of the nursery school money to nanny help - ie have all 3 at home some days, and nanny can help with all of the draining tasks (and look after you too!). The key for me was getting as much help as we could afford and being around other mums with twins. Also dropping my standards on things that aren’t important - housework etc. sending hugs and solidarity.

Just to add, I completely agree about joining Twins Trust. They do have a helpline you can ring, which may be helpful right now? I called this once, when I was struggling, and the lady was brilliant !