Twins. I am not enjoying this.

[Notthelife]

I gave birth to twins three weeks ago and I’m not enjoying it at all. They are my third and fourth babies and so I have been through the newborn stage before but this time it just feels overwhelmingly shit. They aren’t even difficult - all they do is sleep, feed and poo, but it just feels like too much.

I didn’t want twins. I didn’t want four children. I can’t get my head around it. I’m trying to take each day as it comes but the thought of the future fills me with dread. Every morning I get up and I feel anxiety in my chest. It usually goes by the end of the day but today it’s hitting me hard.

How do I get past this? I can’t change it now. How I do I find any joy? Do I just have to wait until I go back to work in a year? I’m trying to get out of the house and do things which helps, but I can’t imagine how I’m going to manage a year of maternity leave. With my other two, getting out and about every day was what kept me sane. How am I meant to do that with two babies?

Are my feelings real or is it hormones or PND? How would I know the difference? Raising twins is going to be difficult so perhaps my emotions are normal and I just have to get over it?

Please help. I don’t want to feel like this.

Have you got a decent double buggy? Ask dh to help you pack a bag for getting out and about. Keep that bag restocked.. Find a baby group in walking distance.. No loading /unloading of the car. Not one specifically for twins. One always a pair of hands to help out there. I had 2 dd's a year apart. Always managed to grab a hot cuppa while the baby was passed around.

Twin mum here too, though mine are soon to be turning 20! The early days are so hard (I had a toddler too). I relied on help to keep me sane...DH was brilliant, my parents helped one day a week, I had help from Home Start, which I was so grateful for, and paid a teenager to come over a couple of days a week to help.

It really does get better, I promise. You just need to get through these early days.
Can you get to your GP to discuss PND? I was diagnosed when my twins were 18 months because I couldn't admit that I wasn't coping and took a long time to accept I needed help. I should have gone alot sooner.

Op, I think some folks are maybe not understanding what you’re saying, which is you just don’t want this and don’t want 4 children and are not bonding, you are not complaining it is hard work.

I think there is a potential this is pnd, but no one can diagnose, I think you need to seek some help before your husband goes back, or he needs to delay. I’d call my gp. 💐

In fact if anything you’re saying how easy they are. Just call the gp and ask your husband to delay work return.

Another twin mum here (mine are now 18!). I'll be honest, I love having twins because I am a twin myself and I think the greatest gift you can give your child is a twin sibling. That doesn't mean it's easy though, especially in the early days. DH went back to work two weeks after we brought the twins home from hospital, and he came home to find me feeding them and crying. Luckily we had a family member who had recently retired and who was happy to pop in every day to check on us and help where needed. Every day things get the tiniest bit easier, but you don't notice that until down the track when you can look back and see that. That doesn't help much other than to say with time things will get better. Until then, take every offer of help you can get. Some days my family member would come around and all we would do was to get the twins fed, changed and in the car so we could go out for a quick coffee. It felt like such an achievement! I also left the babies with my husband on a week night while I went grocery shopping..I pushed the trolley up and down the aisles and relished my alone time. Having a new born is such a stressful time and that is compounded when you have two. Be gentle with yourself.

Hi there, mum of toddler twins here. It is hard!

It's OK to feel how you do - let yourself feel it.

It's completely understandable you're feeling this way - after having the experience of having one baby at a time with your first two, I'm not surprised it feels different this time around managing two together. It feels like constant feed burp change repeat. Plus looking after your other two as well on probably very little sleep.

Can you consider paid help - even someone to come in for a few hours each morning so you could have a peaceful shower/nap and go out for a walk?

I've found even a short power walk in the morning can really help your mood (but I get how much easier said than done this is with baby twins without any help!)

Are you waking them up at the same times at night for feeds?

All I can say is that it is definitely hard in the early stages. Accept all the help you can and let go of any guilt - keeping everyone fed and alive is enough. Mine are 3 now and they keep each other entertained so you will find it is actually easier at some point - instead of always having to entertain one child they have a ready made playmate :)

And as for the future, I've also heard 4 children are easier than 3 (obvs dependent on a lot of things!) But no one is left out as lots of games are 2-4 players

Hang in there! Solidarity and a big hug. Make sure you join your local twins group for support and for others who get it xxx

I remember 3 weeks as being a weepy stressful time with my twins, who are now early 20s! I think it's a combination of exhaustion and hormones OP. It will get better.

It is bloody hard and a shock to the system. My two were laughing the other day when I told them I used to fantasise about being run over and ending up in hospital for a couple of nights ... not a bad injury but enough for a hospital stay and a couple of nights sleep on my own. Or shop lifting and being in a cell overnight 😁.

If you were nearby me I would happily come and offer help/support. Hate to think of any other twin mums struggling as we all know what it's like

I do think in part it's hormones (and sleep deprivation) but that doesn't in any way diminish the realness of what you're feeling or the risk of PND.

It's really important you keep talking.

To your DH, your midwife, your GP etc because it's hard. I remember crying in the dark that the babies only cried because they hated me. Happy 10-16 weeks pp, not.

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It does get easier, they feed less and poo less, they puke less and need redressing less. But it takes time. And help.

And space.

As soon as you're ready to have an hour away from them, you leave them all with DH and you just go somewhere and be alone. And when you're ready for longer, you go somewhere and be alone for longer. Or see friends. A movie. Whatever. But he's a grown man and he'll cope. Because he has to for your sanity.

Get yourself a decent bag, preload it with nappies and wipes. But the premade bottled of milk so you're not dicking about with powder and hot water. If you forget something or someone pukes on the last outfit, it's fine. We've done a few emergency visits to charity shops for emergency clothes. Some last minute pop into a shop to buy any nappy vaguely the right size.

Take any help offered. Ignore any comments from mother of singletons about how it's only as hard as.... Try to procure some real life twin friends. Ignore any looks in shops or buses etc except ones that convey respect and compassion. Ignore idiots.

None of us choose our children, we just try to get pregnant. I had one with a severe congenital defect who fought for life on and off for 18 months. I didn't choose him. I didn't choose to be a mom of a "special" child and god doesn't give those babies only to special mothers. But he's mine, I love him and I wouldn't change him. I didn't choose twins but that egg split, and there's no going back.

They're 5 now, and they're a handful. But so are my friends kids. They have the cutest bond and there's literally nothing sweeter than their love for each other.

You won't get through this because god only gives you wh as t you can handle or because mother nature picked you especially. You'll get through this simply because cwe just do, sanity not intact, but workable. You'll get through it by leaning on your loved ones for physical and emotional support. By being honest with those around you and getting the help you need. By not being bullied into being everything to everyone all the time.

My presents off DH are usually about me being alone. Theatre, Spa day, cinema pass. He knows I need that.

You matter too.

I’m not a twin mum, but you sound like you’re doing an amazing job and it’s still very early days. After I had my son, I saw a lady in a shop with her 9 month old twins snuggled up in a buggy holding hands. Without a doubt the cutest thing I’ve even seen. We told me that she really struggled in the early days but found some twin mums in her local area and she felt less alone. Once the drudgery subsides and they are a bit older I think you’ll have some lovely moments with your twins. They will have each other and your older two will have each other to play with. The early days are hard and you need to be kind to yourself. Your body has been through a lot and you’re still adjusting ❤️

I think you do need to talk to someone in a professional capacity. It’s worrying you saying you don’t want four children

My heart goes out to you, it really does. When my twins were that age I felt physically sick when they cried and sometimes I was so scared to get out of bed and face another day of screaming and crying and feeding and nappies. The sleep deprivation was unreal. And I just had my twins, no other children!

I don't really remember the first five months or so - it was just a real slog and getting out to anything vaguely fun was just so hard. But pushing myself to do it really did make a massive difference and I really enjoyed the second half of my maternity leave. It did get better, in very small steps. Making other mum friends and particularly twin mum friends was massive. As was getting the twins into a routine. I just found I had to let go of everything people said about parenting, really rely on my instincts and also reduce expectations.

Your feelings are valid. My twins were babies 4 and 5 and I must have cried every day for the first 2 or 3 months. Sometimes I didn't even know why I was crying, probably the hormones times 2. I didn't have pnd, but the lack of sleep made me very emotional. I'm not going to lie, in the early days, I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare. What helped was putting them on a routine, they thrived on it and I felt more in control. More sleep for me meant less tears. I definitely cried more after a bad night. The first 3 months were tough, I also felt at times that I wanted to send them back. I love them so much, of course I didn't mean it but the sleep deprivation impairs rational thinking. I felt jealous of the other twin mums who "only" had 2 and no other children. I felt like they could enjoy their twins so much more than what I did. I started going out, showing them off. The amount of people who were in awe, twins are so special. It helped me realize how lucky I was. You will get through this and you will enjoy them , you will love being their mum and spend time with them

How are you doing today OP? Did you get much sleep last night?

Thank you for such lovely and supportive replies.

I feel quite flat most of the time and sometimes very low. I can’t be bothered to do anything and I feel on edge all day. I’m getting enough sleep although obviously I’d like and no doubt benefit from more.

I think I’m heading towards PND/A if I’m not already there. I had it with my eldest and medication really helped. I did end up having some therapy too.

I have had some family support this weekend and have also contacted Home Start to see if they can help but @Shrinkingrose has hit the nail on the head really. It’s not that I’m finding it particularly hard. I’m just really not enjoying it at all and I probably need to talk to someone about that.

One of my fears is going out with them on my own and they both need feeding at the same time. How do I do that? At home, I can use bouncers or a feeding pillow. What do I do when out of the house?

One of my fears is going out with them on my own and they both need feeding at the same time. How do I do that? At home, I can use bouncers or a feeding pillow. What do I do when out of the house?

You prop them up in their prams so they are inclined a bit like they would be on the pillow, and feed them. Watching them very closely obviously. On an Out n About you’d adjust the little toggle at the back; on another pram you’d put a pillow/ towel under their heads.

I’d add the “might need feeding now, or in five minutes, or not for another two hours” stage doesn’t last long, and very soon it’ll be a little easier to go out with them.

You are amazing - You have already taken the first step to feeling more at ease with the situation, and that is your complete honesty. Honestly, well done for that. Keep keep keep on talking about it, to your family, to your friends, to health workers, and take every single bit of help you can (sometimes we like to feel we need to prove ourselves and decline help, but don't do this, embrace every bit of help because you deserve it). Invest in any equipment whatsoever that will make it easier (sometimes we feel we shouldn't succumb to gimmicky items - just get them, for example side by side baby swings, god the electronic moving swing is a savour!). Keep being honest and open, well done.

DH is a twin (his mother also had 4 , and the twins were the youngest - she definitely hadn't wanted twins either), and he's always said that it's not accidental that for most people with twins that's their last pregnancy...it's because it's sooo hard that it puts people off babies! I suspect there's a lot of truth in that.

Please talk to a medical person though, you sound very low. Wishing you well, and congratulations on your new babies.

Twin mum here. 14 years ago I felt like you. I barely remember the first few weeks I was so physically broken.

I also felt like I hadn't properly bonded. One was in special care, I couldn't breast feed and i couldn't really hold them both at the time. All of that bonding in bed and baby wearing I imagined would happen, just didn't.

You'll find yourself turning lots of corners though. It gets easier at 6 weeks then 12 etc.

There comes a point when having twins is better, and possibly easier than a singleton. I think I hit the sweet spot when they were 3.5/4 then I felt really lucky. It's fantastic now, in a hormonal, stroppy teenage kind of way!

Out of the house was terrifying at the start. I felt so vulnerable especially when they cried at the same time. But I used to force myself out every day and it made a huge difference to my mental health. I was probably a lot slacker about things than other mothers and didn't obsess over details or try and micromanage things. I used being a twin mum as my get out of jail card!

I needed other people to piont out to me that i was showingt signs of PND/PNA. I think it would be good if you could talk to your GP.

Feeding when out and about - as PP said, feed them in their pram/car seats. And they''ll soon be in more of a routine so you can predict feed times more easily. I didn't go out much in the first 6 months with my 3 unless I had help. I can even remember one time when all 3 of mine when screaming at the same time and I knocked on a lovely neighbour's door to ask for help with feeding/cuddling.

My twins also lived in babygros for the first 6 months. No faffing with ther clothes or outfits. And I couldnt have cared less what other people thought of that!

You start by politely resisting any friends with singletons who try and pressure you into coming along with them because ‘it can’t be that much harder, surely’ (!!). I was breastfeeding initially so needed to ensure there was always one adult around who could pacify the one not being fed, if needed. Ideally also with bottle feeding, but I seem to remember that is do-able if they are side by side in pram. However, this is where the twins groups come into their own… no need to explain what help is needed, mums with older ones on hand to attend to your needs. I had a bit of a drive to my local group and they both slept blissfully on the way home. Also, don’t put yourself under pressure to go out if you don’t want to. Do you have a midwife and/or health visitor who specialises in twins? I was lucky to have access to both of these, and it was v helpful. Get as much help as you can afford/russle up for these first few months, would be my best advice. Mother’s help is another option. And also to follow up promptly on the possible PND. I feel sure they will bring you much joy in the months and years to come . I adore mine, and they are currently full-on teenager! Sending hugs

Twin mum but I only had the twins. Just posting to support as lots have added more value. Echo the GF twin book mentioned even though you’re already an accomplished mum! Every day will get one step closer to getting better even if you don’t feel the tiny gains. They will happen. You are moving forward. Do what you have to to get through this bit, if money is ok, pay for help, ask for help from friends. It’s ok to do that. As others have said, get outside, straight after feeding, aim to go every day but if you don’t try the next. This time of year is tough (mine were Feb born) but on the up side every day it is getting lighter.

Twin mums are awesome, post here and we will support you all we can - better days will come xxx