My tutor thinks that if I had taken a step or two back from it for another week or so it would have been a more powerful and poignant poem. He said that it ... in fact let me just c& p his comments rather than summarising them badly:
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I think there is a lot to commend in your poetry assignment. You seem like quite a confident writer; words and phrases just tumble out of you without too much self-consciousness. Furthermore, there are some good images here; the first line strikes the reader (you yourself draw attention to it in your commentary) and the details of the character in the coffin wearing a hat set out a dramatically effective juxtaposition for the reader.
However, for me, the most singularly interesting thing you say is in your commentary, when you make the very insightful point that your prose reads like poetry and your poetry reads like prose. I agree. Therefore, while this is a very good first draft, I wonder what would have happened if you had stood back from it for a week or so (though I appreciate that you were working to a deadline). As I read it, I sensed a space between the closely observed imagery and the rhetorical style (the questions near the beginning, for example). For your own satisfaction as a writer, you may wish to take all the rhetorical statements out of the poem and see what you are left with. Feel free to reshape it as you wish. I wonder what you will be left with? Maybe a stark and moving piece of poetry, which will build on your achievements here.
In conclusion, this is a good, confident (and, I don't doubt, cathartic) first draft. However, I would go so far as to say that there is an even better poem here, if you want to work at it. Therefore, I recommend that you keep doing what you're doing creatively, but be willing to take bigger steps back from your work, seeing how it may be improved and acquiring greater critical distance in your commentaries.
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sorry to bore but I'm just so pleased with my mark and his comments.