IVF - 1 or 2 (got 2 DC already)

[IVFbeenverylucky]

Hello,
Ok I know I should have one transferred but just need everyone to have a real go at me for even thinking about 2.
I have 2 very young DC and am having a blastocyst transfer next week. The clinic will do 2, but are recommending 1 (it worked first time with both DC - singletons).
In my heart I really want four children, and have wanted twins since childhood. I decided during my second pregnancy "heart before head for 3; head before heart for 4". This is my last pregnancy (I'm 40), and since deciding this morning to have one, I have been upset and can't stop thinking about changing it.
To top it all off I'm a single mother by choice (using donor sperm - same one for all kids).
I know everyone will think I'm mental even thinking about this - please just have a go at me for thinking about 2; it's what I need right now.
Also, sorry if I am coming across as very lucky (which I am), or a bit ungrateful for what I've got (which I am not). I know there are people who can't have kids, but thankfully my worries are not so serious, but still worries.....

I vote 1. I’m currently 24 weeks pregnant with twins and it’s draining. I have no other children and lm married but still worrying about how l will cope once they are born

I’d go 2. If this is your last chance, you’re 40 and you’ve always wanted twins/4 kids then why not. It sounds like this 3rd pregnancy is important to you, so give it your best chance. Since you’re already a single mum and going it alone, it seems like you know what you’ll be getting yourself into and you must have the financial means. Do you have the means to afford a nanny or do you have access to family support if needed?

Can you afford two at once? I mean right the way through from nappies to childcare to maybe supporting multiple kids in uni at the same time?

Some studies say twin pregnancies are specifically more likely to have adverse complications if you are over 40 which is also something to consider

Ultimately there is no absolute right or wrong answer but personally I would do one because its lower risk, but that's just me

I would reluctantly say 1. I had a spontaneous twin pregnancy and it was so physically gruelling and we suffered complications from around 24 weeks resulting in them being born prematurely and needing NICU treatment. I also had two other children at the time (aged 4 and 16 months) and it was hard bloody work trying to split myself in 2 and I had my DH to share the load. They also both had reflux and colic and would cry so much and not sleep through the night until they were 3.5 🤯

Of course a singleton can end up needing a NICU stay but it's much more common in multiple births.

In saying all this, I have absolutely adored being a twin mum. Watching them interact together from the moment they were reunited when one of them came out of intensive care, to seeing their bond now has been such a privilege.

The early days were so unbelievably hard and the days were long but the years (10 of them) have been short. I'd not change a thing!

So in summary, in your shoes, I'd probably go for 2 despite it all!

I have twins. I’ve lost count of the times people have told me how much they would like to have a set. It never even crossed my mind & I can’t imagine why people give this very unlikely scenario a second thought. I find it very weird to be honest. They aren’t a party piece. They are real people who happen to have been born at the same time. Nothing more.

Four is a big deal. So is three actually. Think ahead to teenage years when there are four lots of driving lessons to pay for etc.
you should do what you want, how can anyone tell you differently, but four children as an intentionally single parent won’t be fun and games.

Why are you having any more children?

I'm sorry, but as a single parent who is almost 40, and with your existing children still very young (so you don't really know what is going to hit you over the next few years, what will be difficult etc) it seems very irresponsible to me to have any more children. Even if you're very well off, which I think you must be to be considering it, one adult is not enough for three small children. Two parent families find it hard enough to meet the emotional needs of multiple children at once. Four is insane. How are you possibly going to give them all of the energy and parenting they need?

I was all for you transferring two until you said you were a single mum. I have twins and I found it incredibly difficult even though DH was very hands on, I had my parents close by, and they were our first babies. Twins on your own with two other young children would be a nightmare.

As a mother of twins, who I adore, I would absolutely say have 1 transferred. You already have two young children and no other parent to pitch in. Twins are hard work, and when you also have a toddler or 2, it’s just even harder, you will spread yourself so thin trying to meet all their needs. I had one 21 month old and husband when my twins were born. Those first 2 years are now a blur for us, we don’t really remember them as we were so so sleep deprived.

I’d never give mine back, but I think you would be mad to actively choose that road.

Hi @IVFbeenverylucky first of all you're doing amazing for a single parent with two little ones x
If you feel you can manage with 2 more bubbas then go for it 😊

@hopsalong @frostnippedtodger @CatsandDogs22
That's what I need to hear. My heart wants four children so much and has for so long. If I was 5 years younger or a millionaire then I would have four (although maybe not twins), but I'm not and that's that.
I earn around 65k so more than many, but childcare fees hit hard. The reality is I would be working at a loss until my second child started getting govt entitlement (about 6 months after return from mat leave), and then earning very very little until the twins (if I had twins) became entitled to the 3 days a week (which we all know is not really 3 days a week). The ongoing cost does worry me: at the moment if I go anywhere it's cheap because my kids are normally free, but I do look at museums, concerts, fair ground rides and think OMG when they are older......
I am also concerned about the pregnancy. My first one was very difficult: not medically serious, but vomiting and nose bleeds everyday for first 3 months and extremely bad musculoskeletal pain for last 2. But my second was a doddle - spent most of it googling if you could have a late miscarriage and not realise but I wasn't getting ANY symptoms.
I know a lot of people would say I'm mad trying for a third (pretty much everyone I've told :), but that's not up for negotiation. My head says three, but my heart just pines for four, and I have always wanted twins.

I'd fo for one. As a single parent who had twins (with 1 toddler already) it was hard.
Pregnancy was more complicated, ended up being on bed rest in hospital for 2 months. Twins are more expensive as somethings you have to buy two of at the same time (childcare, school residential, double pram). Getting around is physically harder. The need for a car big enough for all car seats and a double/triple pushchair.
My mantra when having fertility treatment was always 1 is better than 2, 2 is better than none and I'll cope. I have coped but at great cost all round.

Don’t put 2 back in. These are the things that are practical troubles just with twins and you have 2 other kids.

• you can hold 2 babies at the same time but you can’t safely pick them up and put them down - someone has to hand them to you.
• you can’t safely carry 2 babies upstairs together. You spend forever running upstairs and back to get the other one leaving one up there
• taking 2 1 year old just walking but having absolutely no sense toddlers out anywhere is very hard/dangerous in the wrong place. It’s not the same as one in a buggy unable to walk and one toddler of 18 months running about crazily. It’s not the same as a 18 month old and a slightly more sensible 3 y/o.
• that’s before the challenge of a twin pregnancy v single pregnancy. Hospitalisation pre birth is so much more common. What about your existing kids? Even without that 28 weeks you are the equivalent of full term singleton.
• what happens if one embryo splits and you end up with triplets? Yes this does actually happen.

@Waterdropsdown
I know you are right, and the triplets thing terrifies me. I do NOT want triplets. My dream is some ways is the egg splitting: I'm being sensible, but get two lol.

Sorry but I think £65k although it’s a lot of money, is very tight nowadays if that’s the only household income for 4 children. You will be paying higher tax, have no second parent to be a stay at home so rely on expensive childcare for 4 for 10+ years.
I wouldn’t have more that 2 at all. There’s not enough hours in a day to work full time, be some person cleaning, cooking, errands, childcare, and actually be there mentally for that many children.

£65k isn't that much split between one adult and four children.

What supports do you have? If you have to go on bed rest etc? Who would care for the two you already have?

I have 3 kids, older now but all in primary school and the cost of 3 as they grow up is something I really had not planned for.

How much food they all eat, the clubs, the school trips, it just feels like a never ending request for money.

There are 2 of us, on a very slightly higher combined income, and it’s really hard to keep going.

i can’t even imagine how we would afford a 4th, I guess it would mean a drop in circumstances/opportunities for all of them. No after school clubs for anyone so we could afford school trips.

That is obviously a personal decision but think about what sort of lifestyle you want to be able to give your children and if that lifestyle can really be afforded to all 4 children.

Definitely not on a single household income of £65k

Only put one in. If you have twins your chances of them being premature increases. Who will look after your other children if you are in and out of hospital all the time for months on end? What if the twins suffer life long medical issues due to their premature births? How will that effect you and your existing children?

I have three and it is hard. You are pulled in three directions all the time. Make the sensible choice for your children if not for yourself and put one back. Good luck!

I lost my twins at 23 weeks. Other pregnancies have been fine. A twin pregnancy is higher risk - and with 2 kids and no partner, it seems foolish to actively look for that risk.

You are imagining the situation with 2 happy healthy full term babies - but they have a much higher chance of being prem or having complications. How would you cope if they were in NICU for months? How would your other children cope?

Twin pregnancy are more risky - both for the mother and the babies. What are your plans to look after your existing children if you are unable to do so for a while (chasing a toddler in the late stages of a twin pregnancy won't be easy), who will be looking after them day to day if you end up with twins in NICU for weeks? I know people who have ended up with twins in different hospitals due to availability of beds/different levels of care needed. As one person how would you juggle seeing both babies and caring for your children?
You may have 'always wanted twins' but in life we don't always get what we want. A two embryo transfer is not a guarantee of twins (I've had three two embryo transfers and only have one child in total) - if you were having babies the traditional way there is nothing you can do to influence the likelihood of twins.

Think of your existing children first.

Why can't you stop at 2? What is the craze for having 3 or 4 children? So so selfish especially as a single mother. I pity your children because no way will you have the time and money for 4 or even 3.

And you are far more likely to need a C-section with twins. For some people recovery is pretty quick but you would potentially be looking at trying to manage two young children and two babies while recovering from major abdominal surgery.

If you already have the embryos waiting (so no need to worry about egg quality declining) then I would honestly wait for a couple of years before having even one more. How old are DC currently? I'm not alone in having found 1-3 a doddle compared to the school years, not least in terms of the expectations about attendance at school events, but also because of a dearth of high quality after-school childcare. Most of all because their needs have become much more complicated. Anyone can change a baby's nappy, but you really need to sit down at the end of the day and do homework, play games, pick up from play dates etc. Most people with 3 children that I know find this a struggle with two parents. Even full-time stay at home mums find four hard work.

You keep mentioned what you imagined, dreamed of etc, but surely you also imagined having a partner? Being single changes everything.

I completely understand the dream OP but part of being a grown up is making these hard decision and not getting what you want! I have 3 and an exceptionally hands on husband who earns a lot and it is STILL tricky at times!