Help! Feeling overwhelmed.

[Theregoesmyhomebirth]

Found out at my first scan that I'm expecting twins, measuring 10+0 so back on the 25th for a '12 week scan'.
I'm so overwhelmed and (please don't judge me) feeling so sad about the pregnancy and parenting I won't be able to have. DD is 2.5. I had a great pregnancy, fast labour and delivery at home, BF on demand and didn't stop until she was almost two, loved my maternity leave with baby groups and swimming etc.
All I could read last night was people saying the only way through is a strict routine and bottle feeding. Life is hard and chaotic, I'll be pulled in two directions and never feel like I'm meeting either twin's needs. I can't stop crying.

I’ve got 9 week old twins and felt very similar to you when I found out as my eldest was 2 years 3 months when they were born. I found counselling very helpful and would recommend - they basically helped me summarise that I was grieving an easy pregnancy/ second child experience (I was hoping for a home birth second time round). I didn’t breastfeed my first as I didn’t get (or ask!) for the right support. As a result, other than giving colostrum, I quickly came to terms that I wouldn’t this time which I know doesn’t help you. Being really honest I wouldn’t have time to establish breastfeeding these two with a toddler around… but there is chance for you as you’ve done it before and your DD will be close to 3 by the time they arrive 🙂

In terms of birth I did go to hospital but delivered (not trying to brag) the first on paracetamol, and second (breech) on gas & air - had no stitches (unlike second degree first time) so felt amazing and was out shopping 2 days later (we spent first day on postnatal ward as a precaution)! Happy to answer any questions if you’re considering vaginal birth. Hypnobirthing helped me massively relax and feel more in control as my first birth was pretty quick.

I’ve found the twins are more patient than my eldest and although it is repetitive and relentless, I can see there being lots of positives when they’re able to control their necks more and sit up etc, and able to play with my eldest. Probably not what you want to hear, but personally we are pretty routine driven which is exactly how we were with our eldest (she was sleeping 12 hours a night by 3-4 months old) so we see no reason to be different with the twins. I don’t see why you can’t do what you did with your DD as every parent is different 🙂

Would also recommend if your DD goes to nursery/childcare etc that you continue with that when the twins arrive if you can afford it. It’s been a lifesaver for me to have a couple of days alone with the twins during the day so I can go to baby groups if I want to. My twins are already going 4 hours between feeds in the day (bottle feeding) so I know between X and X that I can go out without needing to feed. If you breastfeed them it’ll be easier for you I would imagine as you can take less equipment with you!

Yes, that's exactly how I feel. Thankyou. It's a grief for the 'easy' second one, where I knew what I was doing and what worked for us as a family or not. Plus, we're pretty tight financially so looking at finding a new car/new pushchair... etc is a bit stomach curdling.
I'm a bit better now but still reeling. Stuffing myself with marzipan stollen to stuff down all those unhelpful emotions

What you’re feeling is completely natural. I had a tough time with my first as a baby and was so looking forward to having an easier second as an experienced parent.

When I found out I was having twins I was totally overwhelmed and anxious about coping. I didn’t enjoy the pregnancy due to my anxiety and being pretty big and immobile at the end.

Mine are 5 months now. It’s more challenging than one but I’ve let my standards slip to get by (babies don’t contact nap really, have dummies, bottles etc) and I’m more relaxed about things. They’re beginning to notice each other and it’s lovely to see. I don’t spend as much one on one time with them as I did with my eldest, and that makes me a little sad, but they’ll have a little buddy for life.

I couldn’t imagine life with just one now, I love them both so much.

Thanks for your response. Feeling a bit better each day. I just need to grow a pair and have some confidence that I can do this.

You can breastfeed twins. I did with mine. You do kind of have to get them into a routine though in my experience. So, in the early days, if one woke to feed it feed the other one too.

The thing I struggled with was feeding when out and about as it’s just not as discrete with two and I needed sky huge feeding cushion to make it comfy 😂

You will be OK! It's just a massive shock. Breastfeeding twins is possible. I breast feed mine and because the let down reflex works on both boobs at once the stronger twin could get the milk out better than the weaker twin but they could both eat which I think really helped the smaller twin get going. Obviously tandem feeding is not a good look you pretty much need to be sat on a settee proped up with cushions. However once they were over a month or two I just fed one and then fed the other when out and about and it worked fine. It's worth getting some HV or midwife support with breastfeeding and there isn't much around. By the same token don't get hung up on breastfeeding feeding you can't tell a bottle fed baby from a breast fed one in later life! Good Luck with everything!

I've read that before (about feeding them at the same time/waking the other after feeding no.1) so good to hear it repeated.
Don't care about being too discrete but I'm pretty well practiced at feeding one at a time at least.

Can I ask how many weeks you were when you delivered? I keep reading so many people having to go on sick leave at 28 weeks and delivering really early

My first DC was 23 months when my twins were born. They were exclusively BF. As I'd learned the ropes with DD1 I knew what to expect.

It was full on for a least a year though x

I was 37+3 when I delivered, and they were good weights. Consultant told me they would aim to deliver between 37 & 38 weeks for my DCDA twins.

I knew a few other twin mums who delivered around the same time and most delivered around 36/37 weeks.

You will totally adapt. I think multiple mums are super women! It will be hard but hopefully you'll get support from family too. Also if you fancy seeing it from another mums perspective... follow @twinstwiceannie on Instagram. She's got 2 sets of twins under 2 🥴 She offers lots of support for parents of multiples and has a whole network going on. You can do this OP!

Oh OP,
Perfectly normal reaction I think.
FWIW I breastfed my twins to two and found it pretty easy (although I wouldn’t admit that usually in case of offending someone).
Delivered at 36 weeks, didn’t have any time in NICU or similar.

Didn’t have any family support, other than my wonderful dh, but managed ok.
It will be fine.

I gave birth to DCDA twins at 36+5. Consultant wanted to induce me at 37 weeks due to predicted low birth weights (my eldest was small for a term baby so I have history). One came out under 5lb but neither needed any NICU time or support when they came out

Although they were my first, my reaction was similar. Obviously happy that I was having healthy babies, but also pure terror. They're 2.5 now, and life is chaotic but we survive. The routine thing is suggested precisely to minimise the feeling pulled in different directions, and it really does help. It will feel strange, I can imagine, but you adapted to your first baby and you will adapt to two just as well. I would just try to think of more structure as part of the adaption, rather than as a sacrifice, if you are what I mean? I went to 36+2 and gave birth with just had and air - ventouse used for twin 1, second delivered unaided. They were 5lb 7 and 5lb 2 respectively. No pregnancy complications except I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia on arrival at the hospital already in labour. Post -birth there were some mild issues - slight difficulty maintaining their temps, boy and jaundice and girl had a few infant apnea episodes in the first couple of weeks, but no lasting effects. I attempted to breastfeed but they did struggle and I ended up doing formula top-ups, then mixed feeding, and they were fully formula-fed by three months. I do have a tiny bit of mum guilt about that, but it was just how it went, and can't be helped.

Congratulations!

I know exactly how you feel. In fact I have started a few threads myself.

My twins are 11 weeks now. You will adapt, honestly. You’re stronger than you know. It is also a lot easier being a twin mum the second time around in my opinion as I think I would have struggled if I didn’t already have experience.

No, it is not how I planned it. I had a c section and I bottle feed. But you know what? It’s just as special. Personally I do prefer a routine, but it’s a relaxed routine of sleep/ feed/ awake/ nappy etc. and it’s adaptable.

C section was fab, one of the best moments of my life was the hours in recovery with my babies. I had my own music and lavender oils. I could have had a natural birth but didn’t want any risk and I’m happy with the decision. Recovery was hard for a week then fine after. I have fraternal twins and had my section at exactly 37 weeks (my hospital don’t let you go past 38). No nicu time needed.

I EBF for 5 days, then for various reasons mix fed for 6. Then moved on to formula. I was very anti formula before but with twins you need to relax and take the easier option which for me this was. I am naturally an attachment parent, I still am but in a routine based way.

It hasn’t affected bonding, you can still hold them close, get lots of eye contact. It’s lovely. Plus DH shares the nights with me- I couldn’t do it otherwise. I do find with bottles they self settle a lot easier as we use dummies.

I am starting to get out more now. I have one colicky twin that loves the sling, and then my girl loves the pram. I highly recommend a mountain buggy duo with the cocoon! Oh and a twins feeding pillow- whether you BF or do formula.

Yes sometimes they are both crying at the same time, but I am far more relaxed. You will find strength that you didn’t know you had. Twin Mums are amazing!

It isn’t an easy pregnancy so do make sure you look after yourself. I could barely walk towards the end! It’s hard but so worth it. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed too, but you will be fine once it all sinks in!

Oh I so understand! I was in tears at my sonogram where I saw two babies. I had a tough time with my first child in terms of delivery, hospital stay, breastfeeding, PNA
etc etc. This second child was going to be my water birthed, breastfed, easy second baby. Ha! Instead I have my delightful, smiley 8 week old twin boy and girl, born by elective c, almost entirely bottle-fed.

I bet if you could fast forward, you'd see yourself confidentiality feeding two babies at once (however they are fed, lots of people seemingly do breastfeed twins), taking them out and about in a double buggy, and pottering about at home with one in a carrier and one in your arms. It's a massive challenge and a hard slog, but it's all do-able. I take it day by day, moment by moment. I'll find my own way with routine, feeding etc, as will you.

A supportive partner who will share nights, and family and friends who can come and help will make all the difference. Support and advice from other twin parents is invaluable- try twins trust courses and twin clubs.

I had DT 15 years ago and had a text book pregnancy. In those days you could go beyond 37 weeks and I was induced at 40 weeks. I was fortunate to get no pregnancy related problems such as heart burn and swollen ankles.
I breast fed for 12 months, but supplemented one feed with a bottle as my milk supply was low by early evening. It also allowed my DH to help and babies slept well in early evening. The first few months were tough and if I fed one in the night I did wake the other to feed as it exhausting falling back to sleep for 40 minutes and then be woken to fed the other one. I didn’t get mine into the same feeding regime which meant I could get out of the house and not have to feed them.
Please ignore the phrase “ you will never get out of the house as you are either feeding or changing them,”
I managed to get every day for a walk, it was great for my mental health and I saw people.
Good luck

I'm definitely feeling better as the days go on, and hearing your experiences has made all the difference.
DH is already faffing about with our existing car seats trying to work out if we can fit three in the back (I think the distraction is helping him!).

Hi OP - my situation is a lot like yours. Found out at an early scan that I am having twins, currently 8+4 and have a DD who will be nearly 3 and a half when these babies are born. I feel very overwhelmed about the whole thing, I thought it would be easier second time round because I would know what I was doing, have all the gear and could try to breastfeed which I wasn't confident enough to do the first time and now I feel like that's all gone out the window!

Hi @Theregoesmyhomebirth… I get it. You’re allowed to not be ecstatic about this. I’m happy to admit that there was nothing fucking instagrammable or goddess-like about either of my pregnancies. I had my head in the toilet for nine months both times. DD1 had the erroneously-named “Silent-Reflux” and didn’t sleep for more than 40mins at a time until she could walk. When I found out I was having twins, I literally heard the sound of my life flushing down the toilet. (She had just turned 2 when they were born after yet another nine months of round the clock barfing). Meanwhile, they were both easier (together) than my first was (healthier) and when babies go through the panic-stricken, separation anxiety stage, they have each other, so you can wee in peace. I will give you one piece of gratuitous twin parent advice. Don’t refer to them as “The Twins”. Just treat them as siblings. They’ll be very grateful.

@Theregoesmyhomebirth

I'm definitely feeling better as the days go on, and hearing your experiences has made all the difference. DH is already faffing about with our existing car seats trying to work out if we can fit three in the back (I think the distraction is helping him!).

Haha mine did this! The first day we found out he just went completely silent and started looking at news cars. 🤣

We couldn’t fit 3 so he says, so did end up buying a new car (bus)!

@peaches1991 my daughter was 3 & 4 months when my twins were born so it’s a similar gap.

I think it’s a good gap to have, as they’re not too far apart in age and have some independence by then, eg eating, walking, talking, toilet etc. But the hardest challenge of having them all has been balancing the needs of two babies and an older child with very different needs. The days when they’re all at home and I’m on my own are tough.

Do they go to preschool or nursery? That will definitely help. DD goes 3 days a week and on the other days DH took leave/ half days or my parents took DD out or for a play at their house.

We struggled on with DH squeezing in the back of our old car between the isofixes and DD in the front, but upgraded the car after a few months to a 7 seater.

Ignore anyone who says you’ll never get out. it might be a while post birth before you feel up to it but we go out most days (although only for 2-3 hours).

If there’s a local twins and multiples groups these are a lifesaver!

@TheMagicDeckchair that's exactly the gap we'll have. She goes to nursery four days a week and thankfully will get her free hours at Easter (although it will still be v much not free!) so we're going to try and keep that going for her. Hopefully I will be able to deal with one day a week all three of them - we don't have any family nearby.

I'm also pregnant at the moment (28+6) and had a huge shock finding out we were having twins (as our first pregnancy).

When you said that all you could read was people saying "the only way through is a strict routine and bottle feeding. Life is hard and chaotic" etc, I think one thing I have found that has helped me when I read here is to know when to look for the positive side of a situation too - and seek out the good bits about having twins.

Forums, often, are used when people need to an opportunity to vent about the hard moments - as they should! But when you seek that out it can make you more anxious. And in doing so, sometimes the good bits get missed.

Maybe this is coming from a place of naivety as I have not yet had my girls, but I think as much as it is good and necessary to be prepared for the challenges and nuances of having twins; it is also important to let yourself be excited about the positive side of having twins too.