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Multiple births

When do you start showing with twins? What is life with twins like? Join the conversation on our Multiple Births forum.

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Original poster

"Having siblings close together is just like twins"

34 replies

twinguilt · 10/07/2021 21:19

I have toddler DTs and an older DC (6) and I'm finding the twins tough at the moment as they are at that running, jumping, stubborn, wilful, fearless, stage... a family member who has 3 children (all teenagers now) with about 18m gap between each, is always saying little things to me that are variations on the theme of 'it was harder for me as I had 3 close in age'. While I don't doubt it was hard for her, I also feel fed up as I just don't think that siblings 18m apart are quite the same degree of hard as twins... the fact that they both go through each stage of madness at the same time...I feel one crazy toddler, with one who was a baby in arms would be much easier... but then, I would think that wouldn't I? I might be wrong, I don't actually know as I've not been there. Thing is, I'd never say to her that I think it's harder for me, as everyone has their own way of dealing with things, I just was wondering if anyone else here firstly knows how to respond to someone being patronising like this, but also do you think 3 under 4 IS harder than one older and twins? Thanks

OP posts:

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30degreesandmeltinghere · 10/07/2021 21:20

I had 3 under 3. Never once compared it to having twins.. Can't even begin to imagine how anyone manages THAT!!
Salute to all multiple dm's!!

Middlesboroughgirl · 10/07/2021 21:27

You each have 3 young children. It's not a competition. She's being annoying. Just as you would be being annoying if you were to say to her twins and a primary school child is harder than 3 under 4. One child can be harder than 3 children depending on the circumstances. But it's not a competition and there are no prizes for having it tough.

NuffSaidSam · 10/07/2021 21:28

Don't respond, just ignore. Move on, change the subject.

Depends on so many factors, but I think there are times/circumstances where 3 under 4 can be harder than twins, yes. There are some advantages to having two the same age. I think trying to bf a newborn and keep an 18 month old safe is harder than keeping two 18 month olds safe, for example.

It doesn't matter whose life is harder. It is what it is. Just get on with what you're doing and don't worry about whether x person has it easier or harder than you.

ElderMillennial · 10/07/2021 21:31

@Middlesboroughgirl

This ^^

You seem annoyed not because she's made a silly comment but because you want her to know you've got it harder.

Buttons294749 · 10/07/2021 21:34

Definitely don't rise to her bait of playing the who has it harder game, it's tough for everyone.

In my own personal experience I found/find the small age gap hard as the bigger one is/was always attacking the little one so I had one very vulnerable baby and an aggressive toddler (SEN).

Everyone has challenges but no-one has it harder or easier (except people who have children who have always been good sleepers, I am VERY jealous of those people )

didihearthatright123456 · 10/07/2021 21:35

Just nod your head and smile! It’s the only way to deal with that kind of competitive person. Yes being a parent is bloody hard, I have 2 year old twins, and it’s absolutely mental at times. I found 18m - 2 years totally horrific, but we were in the middle of 2nd lockdown at the same time.

But know this, 100% fact that if you’ve never had twins or multiples then you have no idea whatsoever just how hard it is.

How old are your DT’s?

Kanaloa · 10/07/2021 21:40

Well I’ve never had twins - unless you’ve had two children close in age and twins I imagine you would never know which is harder.

It’s hard having two close together because they have different needs but both are demanding when they are younger. However it can be easier as sometimes the younger one will copy the older - my dd toilet trained really young and I’m sure it was because she used to watch her big brother on the potty. Like everything there are individual challenges.

Kanaloa · 10/07/2021 21:42

Also, I wouldn’t say there are ‘degrees’ of difficulty - I don’t think you can really say twins are hardest/small age gap is hardest etc. I always say nobody’s problems are as hard as your own.

Original poster

twinguilt · 10/07/2021 21:43

@ElderMillennial I agree there are no prizes for who has it tougher, I'm just really fed up with her comments (it's not a one off) which are basically making me feel like she thinks I'm being a shit mum as I am struggling at the moment. As I said - I'd never tell her (or anyone else) I think it's harder for me than them, as we all find different things hard, so no, it's not that I do think ALL twins + 1 are harder than all 3 under 4, but it's the belittling of my current feelings that I'm struggling with tbh. I'm sure 2 angelic wee poppets would be easier, but sadly, my DTs are not.
@didihearthatright123456 they are 20m...

OP posts:

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 10/07/2021 21:47

Surely every sibling group has its own challenges? Mine are close together in age and my main problem currently is dealing with an 8yo who is jealous of her 10yo sister growing up and missing her playmate...

Twins are hard work for completely different reasons.

MySocalledLoaf · 10/07/2021 21:49

I had two under one (11 month gap) and it seems way easier than twins. The older one slept through before the younger was born, for example.

AlwaysLatte · 10/07/2021 21:49

You can't compare. With an 18 month age gap you're not doing anywhere near the amount of milk feeding or nappy changes, weaning is not at the same time, dodgy walking/falling stage not at the same time, potty training not at the same time, sleeping - one disturbing the other, teething, etc etc. Also with the second you have the wisdom of what worked for you all the first time around. Multiples is first x 2/3 all at the same time! I think it must be much harder!

didihearthatright123456 · 10/07/2021 21:49

[quote twinguilt]@ElderMillennial I agree there are no prizes for who has it tougher, I'm just really fed up with her comments (it's not a one off) which are basically making me feel like she thinks I'm being a shit mum as I am struggling at the moment. As I said - I'd never tell her (or anyone else) I think it's harder for me than them, as we all find different things hard, so no, it's not that I do think ALL twins + 1 are harder than all 3 under 4, but it's the belittling of my current feelings that I'm struggling with tbh. I'm sure 2 angelic wee poppets would be easier, but sadly, my DTs are not.
@didihearthatright123456 they are 20m...[/quote]
Oh my word, you’re right in the thick of it! You’re definitely not a shit mum, you’re just going through one of the most challenging stages, with 2 at the same time. Like I say just smile & nod and try not to take any of it on board, sounds like she’s trying to make herself feel better rather than deliberately make you feel worse

Hang in there xx

Miseryl · 10/07/2021 21:50

It's all relative isn't it? Misery can definitely become competitive and there is always someone worse off. Either shrug off what she is saying or tell her to piss off.

You don't have the monopoly on misery because you have twins, but then no one does.

coodawoodashooda · 10/07/2021 21:50

I had 3 under 3 and a bastard husband. That was hard. I sometimes felt that twins would be easier because the big 2 were so mobile that there were loads of hazards i wouldn't have experienced.

Middlesboroughgirl · 10/07/2021 21:51

Yes, I can imagine how the last thing you want to hear when looking after two 20 month olds and a 6 year old is how someone else thinks thinks they had it harder 10 years ago. Give her a wide berth.

silvergoldstars · 10/07/2021 21:51

I think the important point here is that you choose your age gaps with the exception of multiple births!

TwinsAndTrifle · 10/07/2021 21:53

I just don't think that siblings 18m apart are quite the same degree of hard as twins.

It's not. At all.

I don't need to go into the myriad of reasons why, because you already know!

It's not the same by a country mile. And I think mums of triplets should be given some kind of medal in the delivery suite

ChimneyPot · 10/07/2021 21:54

@Kanaloa

Well I’ve never had twins - unless you’ve had two children close in age and twins I imagine you would never know which is harder.

I had one then followed less than 2 years later by twins. So 3 under 2.

Twins are hard. Trying to feed premie newborns, trying to get 2 to sleep, trying to make sure they each get enough attention when they want the same thing at the same time.
They are late teens now and I would say a whole different set of challenges all the time.

I loved having twins but it is different and more difficult than 2 close in age.

TwinsAndTrifle · 10/07/2021 21:56

To put it simpler, imagine telling the mother of a newborn, here have another newborn to look after simultaneously.

Some people try to make out they're doing fabulously with the "same" situation to make themselves feel better by putting you down. People like that, their opinions don't matter

Corneliusmurphy · 10/07/2021 21:56

My eldest was one when my twins were born, do
I win? But seriously she sounds like someone to avoid if at all possible, it doesn’t matter how she got on you’re having a tough time and could do with some empathy.

Toddler twins were hard, they used to just bolt in different directions every time we went to the park. I bought those rucksacks with the leads on and one would just sit and refuse to move, I can laugh about it now...

Radio4ordie · 10/07/2021 21:59

I think some aspects are probably harder about having twins (like breastfeeding two! Or newborn sleep with two) and some are harder with a young toddler and newborn - like entertaining a toddler on no sleep and trying to supervise and breastfeed.

But anyway who compares the two (whichever way around) to make you feel bad, is just an idiot anyway. Mothering is flipping hard and you need support and solidarity.

Houserenoqueen · 10/07/2021 22:04

I have toddler twins too. And yes, this saying annoys me too. Unless these people have breastfeed two babies at once, learnt the knack of picking up two newborns at once, put one twin in a car seat whilst holding the other etc etc, they have no idea!
I’m not saying an 18m gap is easier (and in some ways must be harder), but these things ARE NOT THE SAME as twins!!!

Paddling654 · 10/07/2021 22:08

I actually think two under two who aren't twins is probably harder (having worked with such and found this the most exhausting combination) but it's not a competition and no one has the corner on suffering!

NuffSaidSam · 10/07/2021 22:12

'I think the important point here is that you choose your age gaps with the exception of multiple births!'

Not all pregnancies are planned!

And even if you do choose a small age gap and then it's unbearably hard...what? No sympathy because you chose it? Come on!

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