Anyone else struggling with twins and a toddler?

[Twinsand1toddler]

I've got 10 week old twins and a just turned 2 year old and I'm really struggling with not knowing anyone in a similar situation to me. I'm very lucky to have mainly my husbands family near by who help out with my toddler weekly but I still struggle the days I have all 3 on my own and it's really getting me down how much tetrus and hard work every day it feels like a never ending battle. I feel really guilty I can't give any of my kids full attention there's often 1 crying whilst I see to another so I never feel like I can enjoy 1 to 1 time. I have to tandem feed twins in bouncers to have any time for my toddler between feeds which is hard work trying to wind both with floppy heads 🙈 feel guilty but it's not enjoyable because I'm trying to do 2 at once to avoid feeding separately. I'm getting really anxious thinking about logistics of getting out and what I'd do with twin buggy if my toddler had a tantrum and decided she didn't want to walk which is likely. I had some good mum friends with my little girls maternity leave and I know they're well meaning but they keep suggesting days out which logistically would be impossible with twins and a toddler. I'm feeling really overwhelmed with it all and never felt so lonely as it feels like no one understands. Am I going insane or does anyone else feel like this or have any answers?

Hiya, I don't have twins but didn't want to read and run because that sounds really tough! Well done you for everything you do already.

Do you have a buggy board (is that feasible on a twin buggy?) Or failing that, would your 2 year old ride a balance bike (which you can tow on a rope if she gets tired, strategically looped over buggy handle so you still have 2 hands to push? (I have 4 kids, all 2 years apart and I used to do that a lot.)

Also... Baby Einstein is your friend and will do them no harm for a few minutes if you need/would like to give one of them your full attention.

And most of all, hang in there! A year from now you will be in a much easier (or at least different) place to where you are now. You know what they say - the days are long but the years are short.

Good luck. Xx

Also, days out are logistically challenging, especially in the early days. But with every month that passes all your children get a tiny bit older and you get a bit more used to the situation and what you need to make it work for you.

Contact with your mum friends is vital to your sanity at this time. Can you explain that you can not sure how you could cope with a day out at the moment, but maybe invite them to yours/somewhere very nearby in your neighborhood for short coffee/play dates close to home in the meantime?

I’ve never been in your situation but one thing springs to mind for when you’re out and about, a baby carrier so that if your toddler needs time in the pushchair you can make space by carrying a baby in the carrier.

Whilst you are very lucky to have your children it must be hard too, it will get easier as the twins’ head control improves. The fact that you are thinking of 1-1 time shows how much you care and how hard you are trying, remember looking after you will also help your children.

We have similar age gap between our twins and eldest who was 2.4 when they arrived. It's hard keeping everyone entertained and fed to start with but it definitely gets easier.

I breast fed mine so mostly tandem fed during the day but would feed separately when out (although didn't go out too much to start with by myself). I used double buggy for the twins (baby jogger city mini) that I could lie flat or sit upright instantly for my eldest (useful to keep him contained if I was feeding a twin). He had a backpack with reins so I could keep hold of him and the buggy and I used a toddler connecta sling for times when I'd need to walk further than he would (carried on my back).

I kept my eldest at his Childminder for 3 days a week to give him a bit of time away also. Even now at 3 and 5 I have places that I prefer to take them and places that I would avoid without another adult. See if you have a local twin group as good to meet other twin mums.

Thanks for all your replies, that's a good point @LaTomatina that's very true days are long but years fly by, remember with my little girl, but at this stage days can seem never ending. Like you say hopefully getting our with age will be easier think it's always going to be hard for now with 3 hourly feeds and 2 feed when out on my own lol. I've just baught another buggy board as 1st one broke so going to give it a go.

Thanks @Allgirlskidsanddogs that's a good idea I'll look at taking the sling with pram for toddler just in case.

Thanks @JC12345 it's nice to know I'm not on my own and it gets easier. When would you say it gets easier? Gosh you do well carrying your toddler in a carrier, I struggled with my little girl in a carrier as a baby 🙈. Think there usually is a twins club but don't think it's running because of covid.

I have two friends who were in your situation and it was incredibly hard for them. I dropped a few lasagnes etc by as much as I could for the one who lived close to me. One friend ended up employing a full time nanny! The other one’s mum came to help her 2-4 times a week. If you can afford any extra help or to put your toddler dd in nursery or with a childminder too I think it will be worth. Well done for breastfeeding. It sounds like you are doing incredibly well! But please look after yourself too and ask everyone for help.

My friends said it got a bit easier when the twins were 6 months old but harder again once they were 1 and running all over the place (1 friend has 3 boys). By the time the twins are 4 it should hopefully be lovely - lots of activities all the kids enjoy and developmentally not too far apart.

I found once they were 6 months and could sit in a high chair and be distracted by snacks it got much easier. Mine were quite late walkers which was quite helpful as it's quite challenging when they first start walking and want to head in opposite directions!!

Thanks @fishywaters and @JC12345 gives me hope that there should be some respite at 6 months for abit before they start walking 🙈. Can't really afford to send toddler to nursery or hire a nanny whilst I'm on maternity leave. Like you say though 4+ they'll be all able to join in the same activities and play together so it should start paying off having the small age gap then 🤞x

I had same age gap with my twins and toddler (He was just 2 when twins born). Your post brought back how incredibly hard the first 6 months is with twins. I felt the exact same guilt that I couldn't spend any quality time with 1 child. I begged for help from anyone could visit by getting others to hold babies or play with toddler for an hour. My only real advice is don't put pressure on yourself and don't feel bad you can't do all the normal mum meet ups. It's so so stressful with 3 kids at that age.
It gets so much easier once you are out of baby phase. Hang in there, you sound like a fantastic mum. X

You could apply for a trainee norland nanny depending where you are?

I’m the opposite... have twins just turned 3 and a newborn. Struggling massively but aware that ‘this too shall pass’ xx

Thanks @Trillio nice to hear it gets easier, they've all got cold atm and not sleeping well with it so it's definitely good to hear it gets better after baby phase 🤣. Ye think I'm going to try not put pressure on myself so frustrating the to do list is never ending and my toddler ears more beans with stuff than she probably should when I'm on my own 🤣🙈.

Not heard of them before I'll have to have a look at that @OverTheRainbow88 thanks.

Gosh that sounds intense @Bettyboop82 but very true it will all pass, thanks xx

Just found out I'm having twins. Such a shock. My toddler is 17 months old and will be 22 months when the twins are born. I'm absolutely terrified. Three children under the age of 2 (for the first 2 months anyway). How on earth do I get any sleep??? My first was really poor sleeper and if anything changes (routine, nursery, nap transisitions) it really impacts his ability to sleep through the night. Last night i was awake with him from 1am to 3am while feeling like i might throw up from sickness with twin pregnancy. AHHHHHHHH. I'm so grateful in so many ways but oh my gosh. I just joined mumsnet in the hope of mutual support and to be honest posts like this i find so refreshing - that it is really really hard. I hope you're ok and you are getting support and some sleep. No advice but just mutual support as someone about to go through this x

Congratulations @PennyBea on your pregnancy, how far gone are you? Oh gosh this probably wasn't the best post if your pregnant 🙈. But if your like me think I prefer knowing what it's really like, I find alot of stuff on social media showing people breezing it more isolating if anything. Makes me feel like I've missed some superhero mum gene which I'm still waiting to kick in 🤣. It is incredibly hard but there are really lovely moments aswell, my twins are 3 months old now and just starting to notice each other when they play on their playmat. My 2 year olds getting used to them more now aswell and it's nice when she interacts with them. It's not always good interactions mind she's hit terrible 2s so got to watch her 🤣, but sometimes she'll kiss and cuddle them and there's moments amongst the chaos that melts your heart. Ye the lack of sleeps tough aswell but my little girl was a hurrendous sleeper up every 2 hours so they aren't as bad as that at least. I just keep telling myself the baby days don't last forever and it just take it one hour at a time some days x

@Twinsand1toddler - I think it's the BEST post if I'm pregnant. The smug social media posts about how wonderful it is looking after lots of small children are the ones that really freak me out. I just can't imagine how it's possible. My first baby (who is now 17 months) still takes up so much time and energy, sleep is off/on, he can be fussy with food, he gets bouts of separation anxiety. I mean he's wonderful and I love him but he still feels very young and has lots of daily/hourly needs/demands.....HOW DO YOU ADD TWO NEWBORNS INTO THIS? my mind is blown to be honest. Yes - you're right - there are always magic moments, there is no lack of love, just love mixed with fear about how on earth it's physically possible to look after 3 babies. I am 13/14 weeks so not due until March/April. xxx

@PennyBea I felt exactly the same when I found out I was pregnant with twins last December and my little girl was 17 months old. I was absolutely petrified lol because she has her tantrum moments for no reason like any toddler and was used to all of my attention and very demanding. Suppose twins have just had to slot in really and it's not anything near what I thought it would be like. In heinsight think I made things harder with my first I held her constantly she wouldn't be put down and fed her on demand it was hard and that would be impossible with 2 newborns 🤣 for me anyway lol. Routine has definitely been essential, and bouncers/ baby swings we use them alot to have hands free time, asda sell a great twin feeding pillow it's £11 we have 2 one upstairs and another downstairs just put them in these have been life savers. Plus 2 cold water sterilisers is so much easier, I drove myself insane to start with trying to breastfeed for 6 weeks then went to formula for my sanity and the cold water steriliser has made it possible. You'll find your own way, I'll be honest I'm just completely winging it and taking it a day at a time lol but these things have been life savers xxx

I had similar. The first year was a bit of a write off. My first was 20 months when the girls were born, I remember going to the park on my own with them the week of his second birthday, I still remember the anxiety. And the twins couldn't move! This winter won't be easy, is there any chance you can put the eldest in nursery a couple of times a week? From next spring/summer things will look up A LOT and your life won't feel like a game of Tetris every time you go anywhere. I really feel for you, Covid isn't helping but I found having play dates at home was obviously the easiest for us. Mine are now 4 and 2.5 and it's very different

Oops, posted too soon. It's very different, still hard sometimes but the logistics are a doddle in comparison. It will get better.

Thanks @isurvived3under2 really nice to hear from someone else whose been in my situation. Ye really dreading this winter, I was meeting friends at soft plays and parks to entertain my 2 year old but that was getting too hard anyway with her hitting terrible 2s 🙈. Think we also decided going to a friends house or having people over was easiest but now with covid we're in tier 3 so can't do that 🙄. Luckily got a childcare bubble with in laws atleast, just feel bad relying on them so much but there's not many other options at the moment 🤷‍♀️, planned meeting friends at parks but it's winter lol and weathers not looking great 🙈. Thanks nice to hear it gets easier . How did you manage your toddlers tantrums when you were alone with the twins? How did you cope on maternity leave, did you have a lot of help? My toddlers nursery shut in March with covid so we just kept her at home as she'll be going to the schools nursery next September which you have to be 3 for, with so much change already don't want to send her somewhere else just for maternity, and it's £50 a day so alot on maternity leave. My mother in law has her a few times a week so that helps x

@Twinsand1toddler do you have a local twins group? Ours is just on Facebook for now but check the twins trust page (or let me know where you live and I will look for you)
Other twin mums are the best! Xx
@PennyBea congratulations xx

@Twinsand1toddler I just saw You said there is a group but It isn’t running, sorry I missed that. Hopefully there is a Facebook group?
Totally get what you mean about people suggesting places which were tricky logistically... and I didn’t have a toddler too!

My twin sister had a 13 month old when her twins were born, I won't lie she said the first year was torture. She invested in a sling that she could use backpack style aswell as front wearing and joined her local twins group, which was a saviour for her. When the twins were little any visitor was just thrust a baby to feed/change/wind etc, she just took any help however small. I remember visiting when the twins were about 9 months old, food time was an eye opener, and she needed eyes in the back of her head. Her dc are now 7 and 6 and although life is still hectic its now swimming lessons and school runs. It honestly does get easier.

I can't remember what I did about the tantrums. I can't remember him ever being too bad, he was always a relatively straightforward toddler. I lived with twin 1 in the sling (reflux baby) and he'd share the double pram with twin 2.

I was off work for 14 months and went back part time after that, my DH had them one day a week, 1 day they went to the GPs and we had a bit of nursery time for the 2 year old too. I never had anyone other than my DH and my PILs, but they all stepped up when needed. It did help that the 2 year old slept like a champ at night and the girls were generally good nappers. I was able to put them down together and spend time with him. Routine was key and on the odd day when he'd nap too I spent the day planning timings so they'd all go down at the same time and I'd get an hour of peace.

You don't exactly get to enjoy them all but you do your best... and they know it.

Thanks @ellesbellesxxx I don't have Facebook but hopefully whenever covid restrictions pass usual groups will come back hopefully 🤞.

@isurvived3under2 That's good you got them all napping at the same time how old where they? Twins are 4 months old now but we're on our 3rd cold 🙈 so think routines gone out of window abit 🤣. Think that's why my toddler has been more clingy and having more tantrums when I can just sit and cuddle her, which is most of the time at the moment lol. Hoping now we won't be going to soft plays anymore with them closing we'll get a break from colds 🙈.

That's good you managed childcare with family when you went back to work. We're hoping to do the same otherwise with nursery for twins being £100 a day wouldn't be worth going back x