Unexpected twins. How do I support my wife best in the early days?

[davidpfitz]

First post here ... I hope I’m not breaking any rules by being a potential dad on mumsnet.

This all happened a couple of days ago.

My wife and I are in our very late thirties, and both very career minded people. So it was sort of “now or never”, so we planned together to have a child soon. So thought it took a little while, soon a pregnancy test showed two lines and we were both super happy.

She, more than me, is the nervous type about medical / bodily stuff. For completely other reason, I am very familiar with the inside of hospitals so tend to be more blasé about being content to wait and see how things pan out. She was keen for an early scan, so we of course got that booked in at the earliest opportunity - 7 weeks.

We went in just hoping to see something, know a heartbeat was there and generally just hope the whole positive test thing was actually real!

We really were not at all prepared whatsoever for what happened next. Words we really didn’t expect ... hand’t crossed our mind ... “it looks like there are two little ones in there”. Wow.

We were shell shocked, of course. My poor mother in law (who was waiting outside) must have thought there was really bad news when she saw our faces. We just didn’t know what to think.

So anyway, we are slowly getting our heads around the idea. She always only ever wanted one baby, so the concept of getting it all over and done in one go isn’t much of a consolation to her!!

Anyway ... I am rambling. My questions boils down to this: she is doing great, but I know she is terrified. Really terrified. She’s tiny ... about 155cm and 48kg. She’s massively worried just by the sheer physics of it. There’s a reasonable chance the twins are monoamniotic (they’re definitely monochorionic) which is also freaking her out. Her career has just started to take off in a big way in the last year, and she’s worried that this is the end. I’ve been reassuring her that it’s not, and all our family will pull together.

I’m concerned that besides the career and the physics bit there must be more worry underneath that she’s not telling me. I know I have worries I am not telling her because I don’t want to burden her - she has enough!

What things should I be aware of that she might be really worrying about?

I’ve been like Neo from The Matrix when they plug him in and download things into his brain ... I’ve been reading anything and everything. Terms I didn’t know existed are now talking points over dinner! You know when you are in the market for a new washing machine, you get intimately familiar in no time with how many RPMs you need, how many KG a machine should hold etc,. ... it’s like that on steroids.

Anyway, this has been pretty long-winded and it’s still very early days so this could all change super-quick. And if it does I suppose I’ll have a whole other kettle of fish to deal with.

Thanks for reading.
David.

David I can't really help but I wanted to say I love your post, congratulations and to say that you sound absolutely inthe best frame of mind to deal with this.

Keep on with this positive approach supporting your wife and I think everything will come good in the end.

And if it doesn't, well, it's not the end

Hi David. Twins can come as a bit of a shock - our certainly did! I think just being there for support is the main thing and maybe allowing her to bounce worries off you (just accepting them without feeling the need to solve). Obviously you know her better than I do though.

I know it's hard but try not to worry about the career stuff. People cope with a year out and you can now share the leave if you decide to. When ours were three I got a new job and moved continents so life definitely does go on!

If you want some reading I found the book 'naturally parenting twins' very good - although title a bit daft. More towards breastfeeding, attachment parenting end of spectrum though so depends what you want. They also seem to have a new website naturallyparentingtwins.net.

As for physics I know a lot of small people that have had twins and triplets just fine. As you say things can change - I ended up in hospital for a month then emergency section for pre-eclampsia which rather put pay to my birth plan! You will be well monitored though.

Noting useful to add but you sound great and supportive. Your wife and twins sound lucky to have you

Congratulations!
I have a 4 month old so having recently been pregnant I found Myself stressing because it's such a big responsibility growing tiny humans!
It's like a mine field.
So much differing advice, so many opinions, the hormones play all sorts of tricks on you. You are exhausted - this so far has continued for me!
All you want is them to grow an be healthy but just as you pass one stage another begins. I constantly felt like I was waiting for checks to make sure she was ok, there's so much going on inside you and you have no clue if the babies are thriving. The bonus with twins is they do tend to scan you more often.
There will be stress about the birth - my friend recently had twins, she gave birth naturally to one and then the other misbehaved and went breach and she ended up with a csection for the second.
As much as so many of us want to be parents the reality is it's one of the scariest things you can ever do!
It can be hard to tell some people, for various reasons.
Plus your having twins! Which is a double blessing but a lot to get your head around.
I wish you so much luck.
Just make sure you help her, even little things with the housework, even if she looks like she's handling things she might just be putting on a brave face because she feels she has too.
She will appreciate the help.
X

No advice just a congrats from me too. The female body is amazing and can adapt and if she need a c section she will recover, many women do it all the time. I'd avoid birth stories as even the good ones sound horrific and just highlight the positive and the funny bits. This guy The Learner Parent has twin boys but his book and blog are very funny and might help to see the bright side. You will have a complete family in one go!
Good luck - and welcome to MN!

Thank you all. I appreciate your thoughts.

We are going to do great, no matter what the future holds. I just hate seeing my wife so scared.

I was really shocked to find out we were having twins at an emergency 9 week scan. My DH and I kept saying 'TWINS!' To each other and texting it to each other and holding up two fingers as it was so much to take in.

But it's amazing how quickly it starts to feel normal and now we say things like 'yeah but that was a singleton pregnancy' like they're the anomaly!

Your wife might be worrying about the cost of childcare so you could research tax free childcare and your local nursery/childminder options, discuss return to work options and do a budget to see how you will cope. Remember that even if you or your wife earn over the allowance for tax credits or child benefit that might not be the case during the maternity leave year.

TAMBA is great for useful info eg one of my first worries was whether they could safely share a cot and they have good guidance on that.

Carrying twins is physically hard work so it might be worth thinking in advance about whether she can work from home more towards the end, make the commute easier in some way or whether she will start mat leave a bit early.

My DH has really helped by listening to me and providing practical help eg a long shoe horn, a litter picker to pick things up, an extra cushion on my side of the sofa, accepting that I'll cry for no reason (often) and nap frequently,

There's a lot of admin and appointments with twins so you'll need to be organised. I'd suggest going to every scan with her as it's frightening when you get told one has fallen behind a little, but I wouldn't bother going to any midwife or blood pressure type appointments with her. She should remember that she's allowed time off for all pregnancy related appointments including the whooping cough jab and any pregnancy related sickness should not go on her sick record at work,

I'd suggest doing any ante natal classes a little early because monochorionic twins are usually early (36 weeks). TAMBAs webinars are good too.

Measure your front door opening before doing buggy shopping.

One of my big worries was being able to tell if both babies were moving, but actually you get to know their positions and feel each one move (comparing what you feel and the frequent scans helps), so in the end that hasn't been too stressful.

And finding out the sex helped too as I could not have come up with four sets of names!

I went thru a kind of shock state when found out dc2 was going to be Dt's. They arrived 5 weeks after ds1 turned two.

Your hospital sold book you in Ruth the twin/multiples consultant and lots of questions and concerns will be addressed and you shld get good care and monitoring.

Good luck. It was the hardest thing I hand ever done physically and I felt like a bloated whale by the time they arrived but love having Dt's... They turn 11 next month.

Congratulations!
I know that feeling of shell shock when the scan shows two when you were expecting one!
It is natural to be scared, but it sounds like you are giving her good support.

When we told my nana, she turned to DH and said, very seriously, " it's all your fault for being greedy, twice in one night!"

Twins can be hard work, yes. But so is a new born and a toddler.
Take it one day at a time.

Congratulations! I can still remember finding out I was having twins (I still can’t believe I have twins and they are 4).

My advice is don’t google too much and join your local twin group. They are a great support. I had MoDi twins too and it can be a roller coaster. My pregnancy wasn’t much fun (Hg, IUGR etc) and I was scared the whole time. What I found helped was focusing on getting to the next step ie the 12 week scan. And I tried to focus on the positives and imagine what it will be like with 2 little ones. I think that can sometimes get lost in all the worry about risks and medical appointments. I can tell you that watching the bond my girls have with each other is the most amazing thing. It’s been hard having 2 babies at once, but it is 100% worth it.

Good luck, I hope your wife has as easy a pregnancy as possible, and I think it’s great she has such a supportive husband :) You are both going to have so many fun times a head!

Congratulations!

One thing worth exploring is whether any colleges in your area do childcare qualifications, and if so, do they do placements.

In my city anyone with twins or 2 + children under 3 can get themselves on a placement list. If chosen (and often there's a shortage of homes) then you get a trainee/student for a term. Some people have one after another. You can't leave them to do sole care, BUT they're an extra pair of hands, you can go and have a shower, adult company etc... They've kept a lot of people round here sane.

Congratulations! Twins are hard work in the early days but awesome you will feel terribly sorry for anyone who only has one baby.

Our twins are ten years old and just fantastic.

Here are my top twin tips:

Prepare for the fact that your wife might need to start mat leave early. I started at 29 weeks, I was huge, constantly sick and exhausted.

Batch cook and fill your freezer with at least six weeks worth of meals for after the babies are born. You will have no time to cook and not much time to eat.

Save up your leave to take a chunk of time after the babies are born, she’ll need you. My DH was able to take 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks holiday and it was a god send.

Any close family that visit after the birth need to be prepped to help out with housework/laundry/groceries. (Note, housework not babies)

You two will be exhausted and occupied with the babies. You will kiss the feet of someone that washes, dries and puts away laundry or cleans a bathroom.

Go find the nearest twins club in advance. There are questions (mostly logistical) that only other twin parents can understand and help you with. Many clubs will also loan or rent you books and twin nursing pillows.

Buy Mothering Mutiples by Karen Kerkoff Gromada. It’s on Amazon. It’s awesome.

People will tell your wife repeatedly that breastfeeding twins is impossible and she shouldn’t even try. This isn’t true.

It’s hard work but it’s perfectly possible. She may not choose to breastfeed of course and that’s fine.

If you live somewhere you need a car check whether you can fit two rear facing car seats in the back (especially if you are tall). We had to get a bigger car.

If you are buying expensive items like prams, cots and car seats always ask if there is a twin discount. Lots of shops will give you 10% off. Some might require a TAMBA membership but IME most don’t.

Join an NCT course. The money is worth it for the friends. Our NCT group still meet up ten years later (Mums alone, Dad’s alone and families together with the kids) my weekly NCT meetings kept me sane.

If you don’t do 50% of the housework now, don’t know how to cook or how to use the washing machine or clean the bathroom now is the time to step up and learn. (Apologies if this sounds sexist but MN seems to be full of men that can’t/won’t do this stuff)

Two traps to be careful to avoid:

1. Letting your wife do all the nappy changes, baths, pack the baby bag etc while you do other stuff.

Lots of couples fall into this trap. The DH does it “wrong” or at least differently and so ends up never getting any practice. It’s really common, and it’s not always the husbands fault.

As a twin Dad you absolutely do not have this luxury. You need to be hands on in everything from day one.

Don’t let your wife, Mum or MIL push you aside, get in there and learn to take care of your babies. (other than feeding if she chooses to bf)

2. Spare time. Life post babies takes some adjusting to. If she does decide to breastfeed then she will spend a lot of time tied up doing that. It will also be harder for her just to walk out the house for a break.

Huge resentments can build up because wives feel like their DH’s life hasn’t changed at all, they still go to the pub and the gym, for a cycle or a run while the wife hasn’t been out the house alone for months and barely has time for a shower.

If she is feeding or busy with the babies that is not automatically free time for you.

You don’t get to loaf in front of the TV or bugger off to the gym unless you are sure she doesn’t have a list of 20 things that still need done once the babies are dealt with.

And yes I know you’ve been at work all day and are tired. She’s been at work with the babies all day and is also tired. You don’t take time to relax until everything is done.

When you have small babies you are no longer just “entitled” to free time, you have to eek it out and negotiate it.

I know these last two seem a bit harsh but honestly I’m trying to help.

These are the two biggest causes of marriage problems I have seen in new parents, particularly in Mutiples.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Good luck. You’re going to have the time of your life (once you get past the sleep deprivation) nothing is the world is as amazing as two babies giggling at you.

Building on pp replies:

HomeStart will also provide a volunteer to help for 2-3 hours a week any family with twins. Apply before the babies get here as it can take a while. www.home-start.org.uk

And TAMBA do a breastfeeding for twins webinar that I found useful.

The TAMBA course always cover issues relating to premature babies as it's so common for twins, but it gets little airtime at other courses.

Once you get to the point where you're pretty sure your babies will be born early and little you'll need to get 'tiny baby clothes'. Mothercare and Tesco and Next all do them and on quick delivery. Indeed if your babies come very early of their own accord Mothercare do free speedy delivery of all premie clothes.

Congratulations! My advice would be to let your doctors handle the medical side and not google too much! I have twins and I scared myself silly with all the worst case scenarios whereas in fact my pregnancy was just fine. I would make an exception for TAMBA as they have great advice. I didn't have much help after they were born and I was always hungry as nobody took over the cooking - so that would be my tip! Get cooking (or at least buy some ready meals) so that nobody goes hungry!

Happy's post is fantastic! I'd only add that if she is breastfeeding people will tell you/her that she should pump milk so that you can "share" feeds. I'll just warn you now that this isn't as much of a break as people insist, in fact it tends to be more work for her - because somebody has to clean, maybe sterilise and assemble the pump and bottles, then she has to find time and space to do the pumping, which can take longer than feeding directly, collect the milk, then it needs to be stored correctly, probably labelled and again all the parts of the pump cleaned and potentially sterilised. And then the feed itself needs to be done, and if you're unlucky this will disrupt the usual feeding/milk removal (all tied up with hormones of demand/supply) routine, which can be a particular nightmare with twins. If it's something that she feels will be helpful, then of course nothing is stopping you (both) from trying, but in most cases the sum of the work of pumping and bottle feeding is more than simply breastfeeding, and your time and effort would be better spent either clearing some items from that 20 item long list as Happy mentions so she can relax during the feed, or doing some other aspect of baby care such as bathing, soothing or nappy changes. Of course once the babies begin solids, that's another aspect too - exclusive breastfeeding if she chooses to do that is only the first six months.

Good luck!

Second BertieBotts advice re: pumping.

Also the wonderful list of stuff. Don't rely on your wife to remember and list 20 things that need doing. Take on that brain-load. You should be doing laundry without depending on your wife to tell you to do it. Don't decide to make a collage of baby pictures when you should be putting laundry away. This is not helpful however much some dads seem to feel it is.

Ditto on the free time. When you have 1 baby at home it is far far more exhausting than you can even comprehend, I cannot imagine having two newborns but I imagine it's hellish. Unless you're a front-line soldier, your work life is most likely easy in comparison. Your wife will spend the afternoon desperate for you to walk through that door.
-Never call home at the time you'd be expected to walk through the door to say you're busy and running late. For the 2 hours prior to this your wife has been waiting for that moment of relief. She's been building up to seeing you walk in, counting down every minute. Do not disappoint her.

• Most of all she'll probably want sleep and time to herself. Send her to have a relaxing walk or bath if you can. Do not take the babies in to 'see mummy'. (DH did this, with the best intentions, just didn't understand you want to be alone.)
• Make use of visitors. Most will be happy to help if asked to do something around the house.
• If you've got tactful parents or in-laws, their help may be invaluable.
• The more you put into the children the closer you will be to them. It will be hellish but wonderful.

Bertie is spot on about pumping.

I had to pump to start with as one of mine was just too exhausted to figure out the latch for a few days post birth (breastfeeding takes two, one of my babies got it straight away the other didn’t).

Pumping colostrum- not fun.

After that I only pumped when I absolutely had to eg a rare night out. It made me feel like a cow and as Bertie says it’s not the time or effort saver people would have you believe.

To add to my previous comments about breastfeeding. Breast feeding twins is bloody hard work in the beginning. If she chooses to bf you need to commit 100%. No hasselling her at 3am when she and the babies are both crying about “wouldn’t it just be easier to give up” (she might throw the top and tail bowl at you. Not that I ever threatened this of course. Ahem)

You support her right up to the point when she says she’s done, at which point you hug her and go get in the car and buy formula, bottles and a steriliser.

(I never got to that point because it all magically and suddenly got easier 18 weeks in so I kept going until they were 18 months)

Don't decide to make a collage of baby pictures when you should be putting laundry away

Pollaidh this made me roar with laughter. It’s so completely true.

Cleaning out the garage, also not that helpful when the piles of laundry are about to walk out the door just to give another example. .

David take careful note.

What Pollaid said about being desperate for you to walk through the door at night is also very true. Unless two people screamed at you, weed and vomited on you for eight hours that day, you didn’t have a bad day and you aren’t tired.

NB: the fact that the babies are quiet and smiling when you walk through the door does not mean it hasn’t been a hellish day right up until that point.

Finally I was thinking about what you said David about you and your wife being quite high flying.

That probably means you are both highly organised which is an excellent trait for having twins. You have no idea how much stuff is about to enter you home. And I don’t mean toys.

Secondly high flying career types tend to like to control their world.

Babies, particularly if you have two of them, strip you of any illusion of control.

Walking out the door can be a challenge. You have to get used to being late for things for a while (and I hate being late).

Babies don’t keep to schedules and twin babies don’t even keep to the same schedule.

Personally I think following The Contented Little baby book by She Who Must Not Be Named, is madness with twins. Madness.

However if your wife likes a schedule I found the Baby Whisperer quite useful and followed it loosely. The EASY framework is quite useful (although my twins weren’t on the same schedule for 8 months so I rarely got to Y).

You will be so tired that you can’t remember what day it is. Your wife will be so tired she won’t be able to remember her own name occasionally. You will forget where you put stuff. You will change the same nappy twice. Lists will be your friend.

But it will be ok. Because the time you get to six months your body will have stopped struggling and you’ll start to feel better.

On reading this over it seems a little scary and negative. I don’t mean it to be, but reading other people’s posts reminded me about things I wished we known at the start.

Having twins is a bit like doing a parachute jump:

Hugely exciting but hugely nerve wracking in advance.
Completely bloody terrifying when you jump out the door.
Incredibly amazing when you get used to it, but still simultaneously terrifying.
When you eventually land back on your feet and things become normalish again (in our case when they were about 2.5 yo) you will both be stronger, tougher, more resilient and happier than you were before.

If you had a strong marriage before then having twins should temper it like steel, it will feel like you’ve been to war together.

All the stuff we are telling you about is the hard early years. And no doubt about it they are hard.

But the hard early years are also filled with enormous fun too.

We have a million funny stories about our twins as babies. Another million about how incredibly cute they were as toddlers while also being evil geniuses (eg one crouches in front of the stair gate so the other can climb over or taking each other’s nappies off to forestall bedtime).

Our two used to babble away to each other in their pram or cots and then roar with laughter at each other. They have a whole relationship which is entirely separate from us.

As I said in my first post, twins are awesome.

hi,
I heard they are starting twins or triplets parentcraft at Lewisham hospital, once a month on Saturday.
They could maybe give you some good tips on how to support your wife.

Hi again.

Thank you happyandshiney - that is some seriously good advice which I have read several times now.

You are right about the control thing. We both do tend to be in control of things, at least most of the time, and like it that way. I expect this is something we are going to have to get used to being not so good at in future! It’s not exactly going to be a predictable life, I expect!

I certainly won’t be letting my wife do all the nappy changes, etc. We are a pretty 50/50 couple when it comes to things like housework, cooking etc. Probably I do a little more of this because her hours are a little longer / less flexible than mine but we’re pretty good at sharing the load.

We’ve come to terms with the fact that spare time will be at a serious premium - if at all available! I don’t expect I will get any time down at the pub, or at the gym.

After having taken a few days to absorb all of this, I think we are processing it pretty well and dare I say it even looking forward to it in a sense! Still pretty freaked out, though. We are on holidays and met a couple last night in a resort cafe/bar who had 8 month old twins with them. They were getting on great, finding it hard work of course, but I think my wife was relieved (as was I) to see people on their holidays having a nice time with twins in tow. They made a good point about having twins as your first means you don’t know any different and maybe that makes things easier.

Thanks again everyone for all the advice. It’s been really helpful.

You sound so nice! And I’m just another person saying having twins is so great!! Yes, it’s very scary at first, but it will really be ok.

With the physical stuff, sorry if anyone had already said, but there’s very little chance she’ll be allowed to have a vaginal birth. And trust me, c-section is SO much easier. She might be scared if that but it’s so much safer for her and the twins. And believe me, it’s much easier to look after a newborn when you haven’t been in labour for the last day.

Remember that everything is double for her. So you know morning sickness, mood swings, sore back, lack of sleep - all that pregnancy stuff? It’s twice as hard for her, and then even harder again because it’s the first time. Be kind at all times, listen patiently to all moaning. Having children is an amazing experience but growing them is really, really hard work. I actually found the pregnancy harder than having the babies to look after, and that was a normal and uncomplicated pregnancy.

She’s going to need to gain something like 25 or 30kg to have a healthy pregnancy so be really supportive of that. It’s so hard to eat at all when you feel sick, then when there are two people sitting on your stomach, and it’s also demoralising seeing the weight going on and the stretch marks appear. Even if she doesn’t let on she will probably be upset by this and need your reassurance that you love her regardless of physicality.

Take two months off work after they’re born, and if you can even some time before just to let her sleep when she can. It’s almost impossible to sleep in third trimester with twins.

When the babies arrive you’ll have them on matching feeding schedules every 4 hours. Take turns over night so one of you can get a solid block of sleep (4 actual hours would be amazing!). When they’re on their own schedule you can each take a permanent baby for night wakings. DP and I have been doing this for 18 months and it’s very manageable with work.

Take all the help you both can get. You sound like you’re going to be and awesome dad. Congratulations!!

Thank you!

I think if anything other than a c-section was offered, she’d have kittens!! Don’t need to add that to twins.

Amazingly she hasn’t had any morning sickness, and there’s been no mood swings that I have noticed. Besides the conclusive evidence of scans and a small but growing tummy you’d never know. Maybe it’s to come.

I’m hoping to be able to take much more than 2 months off work. Due to the fact that she is employed by a limited company that we own there may be a unique opportunity to avail of shared parental leave in a way that maximises our time at home in the first year.

I won’t tell her that 25/30kg number just yet. I mean, that would literally add quite a bit more than 50% to her body weight which I think would be quite scary for her to hear right now. That said, she’ll have googled this kind of thing and am sure has already seen the numbers.

Eating well those two will take their toll on her cheese, eggs and green vegetables. She needs calcium for all those bones.

I hadn't any major weight gain until the last 4 weeks then I was fit to pop. I lost so much weight when they were born

Hi David,

I would just like to reassure you that the human body is an amazing thing. I am of very similar size to your wife and carried my twins to 36 weeks. The hospital will closely monitor her and your babies to make sure they get the best possible start. Even though my babies were born early and low birth weight they were only on a special care baby unit for 48 hours after being born and they are now thriving 9 month olds.

I won't lie to you, having twins is really hard but you get through and it does get easier as they get older, we have just been on and thoroughly enjoyed our first little holiday which I could never have imagined being possible several months ago. I spent my whole pregnancy wondering how on earth I was ever going to cope with twins but both my husband and I are coping better than we ever could have imagined and we honestly could not imagine not having twins, we love watching our boys interact and giggle at each other, there is something really special about having twins.

It sounds like you'll be a great support when your twins arrive if you can get 2 months off, for me those first 2 months were the hardest and it was hard having my husband go back to work after just 3 weeks. He has been brilliant though and always complimented me on how well I'm doing, especially on the bad days but he's also very hands on with cooking, cleaning, and helping with the babies, I never have to nag him which is a massive difference to before the twins were born.

" but there’s very little chance she’ll be allowed to have a vaginal birth."

Just under 50% of twins in the UK are delivered vaginally. There are definitely a lot of situations where CS would be advised, and emergency CS with twins is not uncommon, but a vaginal birth certainly isn't rare either.

My local maternity hospital encourages attempting vaginal birth if twin 1 is head-down, though they've made it clear that I can choose a CS if I wish (an option I think they'd be less keen to offer if it weren't twins).