S.O.S Help, I can't cope - Please don't judge

[Katie11]

Hello! First of all please don't judge before while reading this.

My twin boys were born by C-section last Thursday, they were taken form the operating theatre before I could see them and taken to SCBU to help their breathing! I didn't see them for an hour after and then very little over the next few days as I had an infection which stopped me being able to get to SCBU to see them.
Then on Monday I started having panic attacks that haven't stopped since :'( when I saw the babies yesterday holding/feeding and changing just made me panic and I didn't want to be near them as I was petrified and couldn't cope :(

To make matters worse we've been snowed in and couldn't get to the hospital to see them, I hate being away from them but hate being with them too :'(

I know this sounds awful but I was wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this and if anyone had any advice at all to help or anyone I can talk to about it all!

Thanks for reading I really appriciate it

Katie :) x

I don't have any advice to offer but didn't want to read and run.

You poor love. It sounds like you've had such a tough time, please be easy on yourself.

Mumsnet can be a really good place to get some support but tell a midwife or health professional and they should get you some help.

All the best for you and your little ones.
xxx

Hi Katie,
I've not got twins but I didnt want to leave your post unanswered.

It sounds like you've had a difficult birth and a worry over the health of your twins. No wonder you feel like this. Is your partner supportive? I would suggest talking to MW about how you feel.

Im sure some proper advice will be along soon. MN is fab like that

Thinking of you- take care

GYx

What a lot to deal with. Don't feel bad or guilty for finding it so overwhelming, I've not had twins and can understand how it feels like that so can only imagine how 2 makes it even more daunting.

Please do talk to a midwife or health visitor or if they aren't available / won't help, do go to a GP. It's very early days yet and you've had complications, but they should be checking you for PND at some point and maybe this would flag a check sooner. If nothing else, they can help figure out what other support would help.

Hope the babies are doing OK and you are starting to recover from the birth. Give yourself some time to get used to things without expective too much.

expecting

you poor thing, you have been in the wars, and this snow isn't making things any calmer for us at the moment. i would second what the potato said about telling someone in RL, honestly, NO-ONE will judge you for being scared to deal with two squeaky, demanding little babies... they are petrifying, especially in those early days when the love is still building. the whole thing can be a big enough shock with one baby in ideal circs, never mind two with snow and infections and sections etc.

so i stress again, nothing that you have said sounds awful, in fact panicking is a perfectly sensible response (not to say an instinctive one) to having too much on your plate. seek help, and when you find it, TAKE IT. this goes for one, so i presume is cubed for twins. congratulations on your new bubs, i'm sure you will all be a great team in time. just these early bits are hard going, that's all, but you will find your feet with them.

it is completely normal to feel overwhelmed and scared, dont feel guilty in the least, even when the babies are robust it is daunting and fraught with feelings of being unable to cope - but i'm sure you'll be an absolutely fantastic mum and your little boys are going to get stronger and stronger every day so you will not be fearful of their tiny frailness. just give yourself time to get used to it all, dont think too far ahead, set small goals for each day and try to live in the moment of it.
you definitely should talk to your nearest and dearest about these feelings and to the healthcare professionals. if the feelings seem to not be easing and are very strong, be aware that it could be something you need expert help with, due to fluctuatiing hormones and so on. issues such as post-natal depression are very common and nothing to be ashamed of, but it could be that you need some medication to boost your levels.
i felt completely overhwlemed and panicky with my first but thought it was normal so did nothing about it - looking back i feel sure i may've had a bit of pnd - felt totally different with second child.
i hope you feel better soon :)

Katie - I had to reply as I had a dreadful time too when my twins were born and whisked away to the SCBU. It's such a bewildering experience and everyone finds it difficult to start with - you are far from alone.

Does the unit have a manager or a head nurse you can sit down and talk to? I had a dreadful first few days then finally tracked down a woman who sat and explained everything that was going on, how the unit worked and what I could do to help care for my babies. The nurses do everything and I felt completely in the way, like everyone would be getting on better without me there!

Ask the nurses how you can help. When I got over being scared I found the nurses really appreciated having me help with feeds and changing and it gave me a confidence boost.

You will get through this bit and it will only be a minor blip. Hang in there and be strong for your little people, promise this will pass in a flash!

I was lucky and my twins didn't have to go into special care but it is still overwhelming and I would say get as much help as you can including for when you leave hospital, be it family, friends or a doula / night nanny / mother's help. You really need to over-estimate how much help you need so that you can rest and gain confidence. The absolute last thing you want is to be struggling on alone not enjoying your babies. Good luck.

Im brand new on this forum and headed over here first. I had prem twins who are now 2 and I was the same, they were whisked away from me and I felt bad that I couldnt have them with me. When I went to see them they were so small I wouldnt handle them! We couldnt hold them until 4 days old and I did that but didnt do any of the changing of them and hated trying to feed them when they were off tube feeding.

I found I went into shock over the whole situation and it took until they were home to adjust properly! Please please talk to someone, a doctor, health visitor etc. I went on anti depressants for a while to get my mind back on track over the whole thing as its not always easy to deal with x

You poor thing... Extremely traumatic for you on lots of levels... Talk as much as you can about it all to help process what you are going through... Be that to nurses, husband, family, anyone you feel comfortable with....look after yourself in every way possible...it may not seem like it but your babies still need you more than anyone else...even if they can just hear your voice it will bring them comfort. ask for help wherever you can find it. remember that this time will pass and there will be many wonderful, happy summer days ahead with your children filled to the brim with love and joy.

sending lots of positive thoughts to get you through...

I didn't have twins, but did have a prem baby who spent a lot of time in nicu and scbu. It is overwhelming, and frightening, and that's normal. I felt I didn't want to see DS to start with, I now think that's because I was scared he wasn't going to make it. But when I did go, i didn't feel anything. I then starting speaking to the nurses etc on scbu, and effectively did what they told me to. Not because I felt it was right, or worng for that matter, just because I was a mess, and having someone tell me what to do helped, as I then had a purpose.

I spent weeks thinking I couldn't cope, and was doing everything wrong. I cried on the staff more times than I can remember. Eventually I got to know them a bit, and got to know ds, and while I still think i did what I was told, and didn't bond at any point in the scbu days, I am glad I did what I did.

Our unit also had a counsellor who I spoke to a bit, and he recommended that I keep a diary which I did. Haven't looked at it since but it felt like i was talking to someone, and that helped, even if I wasn't talking aloud.

Also if people offer to help say yes. and don't be afraid to ask for help, with anything transport, clearing snow, cooking, cleaning etc. It may not be easy to ask but if you get offered anything take it.

Good luck and take care

I've heard that if you can manage to have some skin to skin time with your babies that it might help you to bond with them and to feel less panicky. I realise that this is a big step and might be a step too much, but if you can it might be worth doing.

(hug)

You poor love. It's entirely normal to be feeling the way you are. My daughter was a singleton and full term, but I had panic attacks seeing her in the SCBU. It's simply not what you had in your mind when you imagined their birth.

Could you check with the hospital if there is a parent's room where you could stay overnight? You may find these people helpful.

Hello Katie,

I felt just like you do when my twins were born. I was telling the midwives in the hospital to find an adoption agency because I just couldn't do it. I also had panic attacks. As everyone else has said, it IS normal. Don't expect the blinding flash of 'lurve' people try to bamboozle you with. That is the abnormal response (though lucky for those who have it), and it usually doesn't happen. So ramp down your expectations, know that they are being looked after very well where they are and, like minimisa said, overestimate the help you think you are going to need when you get them home. And in a year's time (I know it seems far away, but it really isn't), you will be totally in love with them. Twins are great. Don't forget to look after yourself - they won't get very far without a well-cared-for mum. All love and hugs x

Hi Katie
Hope you're feeling OK today. No great words of wisdom here, but just wanted to send you some support and echo what the others have said. You've had a difficult time and I think your reaction is wholly natural and understandable. I seem to remember reading somewhere that it takes more time to bond with twins, because you don't have that exclusive mother/baby relationship ever. That was certainly the case for me - I did feel that instant bond with DD1 and it was slower to come with the twins. But it did come, and having twins will be a wonderful experience eventually, but it's a tough one at first, even without the additional stresses you've had.
Look after yourself, try and talk to people and get some support and really hope you're feeling a bit better about things soon
xx

Hi Katie,
Another here who has been in exactly the same position as you.

No-one will judge you, honestly

Your feelings are perfectly normal. You are in a very stressful, emotional time, not helped by snow!

Allow yourself to feel like this, I cried continually for ages!

I never felt a bond with the girls at first, I had a horrible c sect and didn't see them properly for a couple of days. When I did see them they were just a couple of dolls I was 'playing' at being mum to.

A friend said to me 'you'll never feel another love like it', it took me a bloody long time to feel that, honestly!

A more helpful friend said the more snotty noses I wipe, the more nappies I change, the more sick I clear up, the more I will bond, which is much more helpful!

I totally agree with glamourbadger, ask someone to explain all about SCBU to you, so you feel part of the team. I was overwhelmed, everyone knew what was going on apart from me.

And echo what everyone else has said about talking to hv, gp, or midwife about your feelings.

Hang in there, the mist will slowly clear, and one day you'll be supporting others.

Take lots of care.

Absolutely no judging here. My boys were in SCBU for 4 weeks. My responses were very different, but I look back in bemusement at them now. I was so unfazed by it - just flounced in every day to see them for a bit, big coffee breaks, headed home happily for my dinner. It really didn't feel like they were mine for a while - and it wasn't a sudden feeling when it did happen, they just crept up on me. On their first birthday I had a little breakdown when I looked back and realised that I could have lost them.

Not being able to spend time with them straight after birth, and not being able to get there everyday at the moment, and only being 7 days post-birth? Very good reasons for feeling a bit unusual. Really not the same as having had them with you every moment for the last week to get to know them and what they need.

I agree with everything said here, talk to the staff and ask what you can do (having to "ask" what you can do for your own babies is just weird - but it will help). Lots of skin to skin. And take photos to have at home with you.

Do you have an idea of when they will get home? I don't remember much of the first 6 months, I do remember the very odd situation of those first few weeks, not being pregnant anymore, but not having any babies either most of the time. Try to make the most of this time to get your strength up - you will need it!!

just wondering how you are getting on. Thinking of you.

Hi Katie, I've only just seen this. I hope you've spoken to your midwife/health visitor - they won't judge you at all.

My twins didn't need scbu but I still remember thinking I couldn't cope, and didn't understand how anyone could possibly bring up twins as it was impossible. Luckily that early stage passes quickly, and looking back now, I was actually doing a pretty good job!

Please keep posting on here to let us all know how you're getting on, we'll all be thinking of you.

.

Ladies you are amazing :mrgreen:

I'm feeling allot better and took lots of your advice. I've been speaking to the staff at the SCBU who were very understanding and helpful and referred me to an outreach nurse who is going to come and visit! I've seen the boys every day this week and the panic is slowly easing and the natural feelings are taking over!

The snow is starting to go now too which is a real help as that made things a million times worse!

Fingers crossed very hard they may be home tomorrow or Monday :) am a little concerned that when I get them home and shut the door I might lose it again, hoping it will be ok and we can start bonding as a family!

Will definately do skin to skin when we get home, just want some time alone with them!

All your posts helped so much, helping me feel less like a freak and bad mother I was telling myself I was!

Big hugs and Thanks to you all

Katie

xxxxxxxxxx

Hurrah, well done Katie!

So pleased they may be coming home soon.

Just remember, this is the start of a massive roller coaster of emotions, physical tiredness and all sorts of ups and downs. Don't place too much pressure on yourself. You probably will lose it again, on and off for the next...ooh, I don't know....6 months!! I know I did!

I remember that desperate feeling of wanting to get the girls home, to have some time alone.

Keep posting whenever you need.

Have a lovely Christmas with your gorgeous new family x

Hello, just had to add a message to you - glad things are better since you first wrote. I had twin girls, born at 32 weeks and who both had to stay in sbcu for nearly 5 weeks. Its a rollercoaster of a time, and apart from the obvious shock of being a twin mum, nothing can quite prepare you for seeing your babies in little glass incubators, being cared for by other people. Every thing about it felt very unnatural to me, and everthing id envisioned about being a mother was not happening!
I too, at first, didnt know what to do. I felt helpless, and more sorry for myself initially, and yes i suppose scared as i didnt know what to do to help my tiny daughters. Maybe its a defence mechanism, to look after yourself until youre strong enough to cope? Bit by bit, when my strength started to return (dont underestimate how much a c-section knocks you for 6), it started to get a bit easier. I still had moments where it all felt surreal, but to be fair the nurses are so wonderful, and they try their hardest to involve you and make the best out of what is a very difficult situation. The machines and beeping in the scbu rooms take a while to get used to, but again it just becomes 'normal' after a bit.
Please dont be hard on yourself, you need to be strong for you and your little family now - you will realise how strong you are, and i guarantee it DOES get easier, and when you get them home it will be like the proper start to family life and you will value that all the more.
Dont feel alone;there are many more twin mums like me and you out here who know what you are going through - its not easy, but be kind to yourself, take each day at a time, and treasure every moment of those beautiful babies:)
Wishing you all the very best - and just to let you know, my tiny babies are now nearly 3!! xx

well done, katie! and OF COURSE you will panic when you get them home... welcome to the club!