S.O.S Help, I can't cope - Please don't judge

[Katie11]

Hello! First of all please don't judge before while reading this.

My twin boys were born by C-section last Thursday, they were taken form the operating theatre before I could see them and taken to SCBU to help their breathing! I didn't see them for an hour after and then very little over the next few days as I had an infection which stopped me being able to get to SCBU to see them.
Then on Monday I started having panic attacks that haven't stopped since :'( when I saw the babies yesterday holding/feeding and changing just made me panic and I didn't want to be near them as I was petrified and couldn't cope :(

To make matters worse we've been snowed in and couldn't get to the hospital to see them, I hate being away from them but hate being with them too :'(

I know this sounds awful but I was wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this and if anyone had any advice at all to help or anyone I can talk to about it all!

Thanks for reading I really appriciate it

Katie :) x

So the babies are home now and just when I thought I was going to be alright....I wasn't :(

I'm petrified and completely overwhelmed I'm ok when I'm doing things with them but it's the times inbetween I find really hard I just sit and look at them worrying and panicking. The idea of vistors or going out is really scary, as is bathing.
:(

The other thing is I can't stop crying, I just feel so sad and blub and blub. My other half is going back to work next week and although my mum is around to help I just don't know how I'm going to cope without him in the day, also worried about the fact i#m not looking after him very well.
I don't feel very bonded to either of ,my boys and because of medication I'm on and other factors I can't breastfeed which I'm gutted about.

Sorry to just come on and post again another depressing message but your all I could think of talking too.

Thanks Again for any help
Katie xxxx

Katie, you are feeling completely normal considering everything you have gone through.
My twins were 2 last week, and I still look back in complete amazement at what we dealt with after the birth and the subsequent few weeks.

There is nothing wrong with crying. Remember this, it will help with your hormomes honestly.

Bonding takes times with tramatic births. My twins were born at 8.30am and I didn't see them until 2am ish the following morning cos they wouldn't let me out of recovery due to my high blood pressure not dropping.
I remember coming home from hospital on the 5th dec 2008 and completely forgetting the previous 7.5 months of pregnancy and 4 days in hosp. Emotionally I felt like I hadn't had my twins, all the physical signs were there but because I came home witout them I felt like a failure.
I cried from 2pm until 8am the following morning. My dh and eldest dd put up the christmas decs and I spent the whole day refusing to speak to anyone on the phone and the whole night drinking a bottle of wine so I could sleep.

Sorry waffling now...

Katie, where are you?

I'm sorry you are feeling like this.

I have no experience to offer but would think it might be a good idea to at least speak to your GP re the anxiety and panic attacks.

Sorry if this has been suggested already.

Hope you feel better soon.

Thanks again for all your lovely replies. My boyfriend says I'm doing better, I swing from crying, feeling numb and feeling normal.

I sometimes feel like my life is over and all I'll do is change nappies, clean and make bottles and be tired but of course that won't be the case.

It's quite daunting with twins isn't it? People are so negative!
"Rather you than me" "you'll never sleep again"
"Twins? God poor you".

I know I'll need help and lots of it. I know it'll be hard work but why people think I need reminding of it all the time I don't know, it just makes me burst into tears! (angry)

Anyway rant over lol

Your replies really do help so Thanks again! :)

x x x

Sorry that was meant to be an angry face!

Oh and poorbuthappy I'm in Surrey x

people do say annoying things dont they!! i don't have twins but can imagine you dont need reminding of the work- i'm sure there are so many great things about it- just imagine the fun they'll have together!!!
if the drudgery of it gets you down at the moment, try to see it as your job- long hours but just a series of tasks- i have 2 boys under 2 and it is a bit of a production line of nappies, feeding etc. just you wait though til they SMILE at you...it will make you melt i promise. that can be as early as 4 weeks altho prob later as they were early.
i remember being daunted by visitors too in the early days with my ds1, as i feared they would see how crap i was, but with ds2 i just thought, actually, you can bloomin well help if you're visiting... they just need to be steered!! plonk the baby on their lap and hand them a nappy!!! pop the other one in the rocker and say you'll be back in 5 mins. give yourself time to grab a shower or do what makes yu feel a bit better. i know when my dh went back to work it was hard... best thing is to plan that there is always someone coming over or somewhere you can go. distraction works wonders.

also, dont try to be perfect, just do your best be kind to yourself... babies are very simple souls and dont need much but the basics of sleep, milk, warmth, cuddles... they'll soon adapt to each other in that they'll learn to wait for their turn.
please dont be upset about the breastfeeding - it is astonishing that any mum of twins does manage it-thry'll be fine and it will mean you can achieve a good routine sooner as they'll stay full up longer.

Don't worry, Katie. I'm a survivor lone mum of twins who are heading towards their 10th yr now. When I look back on their premature births, the emergency C-section, the need to look after myself being in direct conflict with needing to look after my babies and the huge hormonal surges that made me cry, I wonder how I did it - but you WILL survive and thrive. It's just far too early for you to feel this yet. The hormonal stuff alone is going to make you feel all over the place, emotionally.

Get as much help as you can get and then add some more to what you think you need - if you can. If I had my time again, I'd have got loads and loads more help. I had no family, no partner and no help beyond about 4 weeks of a paid homehelp who made me meals and as a result, I barely got out of the house for the first 5 months.

I made far too many choices that made myself a martyr rather than allowing myself to take care of my own need and realise that it was the quality of my presence that mattered most to my babies, not necessarily the quantity.

If your mum can stay on and help for a LOT longer, that'd be good and also if you could at all afford some extra paid help too, that'd be great too. I wish i'd invested more in paid help, even if it 'broke the bank', as I couldn't enjoy my babies as much as I'd hoped.

I also believe that 'bonding' often doesn't happen immediately - especially if you've hada difficult birth and have been separeted from your babies.

Don't worry. You're normal and doing great. Can your husband not take more time off work? If I'd had a partner, I'd have wanted and expected him to do 50% of everything.

Keep talking to anyone available to support you. I wish that I'd had someone and I also wish I'd known about MN then too, as the hardest part was feeling so entirely alone and unsupported and feeling I was 'failing' the babies I'd really, really wanted. I didn't even have time to attend or connect with the local TAMBA group either - which in retrospect I also regret.

My advice would be to bring in as many people as possible in your daily lives for support on every level and totally accept that you're doing great and are absolutely normal.

Surrey is about as far away from me as you can get!

Only wondered cos I am secretly hoping one day that I will meet a new twin mum on here who lives local and I can turn up on her doorstep 1 day to suprise her!

It is hard work, and you will cope.
Enjoy this special time.

Hi Katie,

I don't have much to say that hasn't already been said here, but just wanted to add my support.
My twin girls are 7 months now. Despite having a fairly straightforward C-section at 37 weeks I felt a lot of what you have described (lack of bond; lots of crying; feeling totally unable to cope etc etc). We had a week's stay in hospital, I was desperate to get home but when we did I was so totally overwhelmed, and yet refused all help and didn't want to see anyone at all. Basically I was a total mess. It did take a while for me to really feel like a mum, and also to open up and accept help from family and friends.

I'd say just allow yourself to feel however you feel - cry as much as you need to and don't feel weird about it, you have so many hormones after a twin pregnancy not to mention the whole birth/C-section to process internally...
Accept every last little bit of help you are offered and please don't panic about how you will cope looking after them - you just will, we all have! Someone, I think one of the midwives, said to me when I was freaking out, that God only sends multiple babies to people who can handle it (clearly bollocks as I am NOT one of life's copers but it did make me feel marginally better if only briefly!)
As someone else has said, their needs are pretty basic - don't set yourself a standard of perfection, if every day they are fed, changed, kept warm and cuddled a bit you are doing brilliantly.
And lastly (and I know everyone says this) although it feels like the mad first few weeks are lasting FOREVER, things start to get a lot easier around the six week mark - put that date in your diary so you can see it creeping closer when it all seems too much, and hang onto the thought that you will get your evenings back and have time to cook a meal and take a long shower again. I promise.

Keep chatting on here we are all rooting for you!

Im in Surrey and had a premmie baby. Hes all grown up now and fine despite shaky start.
Keep talking --Mumsnet is great-wish I`d had it

Hi there, hope you are doing okay; as the rest of the posts say here, keep talking to other people as it really does help to know you are not alone. I really feel such an afinity with what you are saying - as i said in my earlier post, i experienced all these same emotions and more during the first few months. I think what happens is that as you start passing the little 'milestones' such as the one month, then two months, mark then you start to establish a way of life with them. (I will NOT say routine, it does help but its personal choice).
The hardest thing for me was that my husband works nights so the first time i was alone with the babies on a night shift, i was literally terrified!!! It actually makes me smile wryly now, but believe me i wasnt at the time. That said, i coped and it wasnt half as bad as i thought it would be. These things rarely are! You will find what your made of, i discovered strengths i didnt know i had, and 3 years on feel incredibly proud of myself. It doesnt matter that you have 'moments' of not coping, I still do certainly, but they are fewer now. The more you get to know your children the easier it will become; i think its a process of all of you getting to know each other.
I know exactly what you mean about other peoples comments too, people cant really help themselves, think they are being funn/original forgetting you have probably heard it 20 times that day. The best things people have said to me are that gosh i cant believe you cope with two and wow im so impressed with how you cope...so the good positive comments do come too:)
When tartiflette said she was told twins were given to certain mums for a reason, i have also been told that and truly believe it. They were sent to me to show me how strong i could be and you will feel the same too, in time i promise!!
Keep chatting, it helps, and in the meantime, have a lovely first christmas with them xx

Hi Katie,
How are you getting on now? Been thinking about you.

here's hoping all is well now and you are mentally less underwater? Just wanted you to know you may still feel like you can't cope on a regular basis, so don't feel you've had a relapse it's just getting through each day, and each week, for the first year I think...

Grr, just lost my last posting before posting it! I'm brand new to mumsnet but Katie, I felt that I had to comment and give you hope.

My experience was very similar to Rattling's - my twin girls were born at 30 weeks via c-section and I would breeze in and out of the hospital until they came home (they were discharged at the earliest time allowed here in NZ - 35 weeks). We used to call it parenting by remote, because we weren't actually having sole responsibility for them, but by the time I went to a maternity unit for the last couple of days before we brought them home, I couldn't see how I was possibly going to manage

I'm not really a 'baby' person anyway and I certainly hadn't felt this magical bond that everyone talked about - I only really 'accepted' that I had twins about 2 months ago - and they are now 9 months. The shock from that 12 weeks scan only gradually began to disappear through all that time. I felt bad because I was supposed to be celebrating this stroke of luck, but all I could really see was the practical difficulties of 2 at a time.

I was very lucky that my Mum ended up coming over for 6 months (it was only supposed to be 2 months), but I had exactly those feelings of worry about how I'd cope once she went. One other mother with twins told me that I'd be surprised how adaptable I'd be, but I just thought that she must be either supermum - or have perfectly behaved children in an in-sync routine.

Surprisingly though, she was right. As each day passed, my confidence grew just a little and now I have no worries when my husband is on night shifts or 24 hour shifts.

I'm sorry that this seems all about me and no advice - the points that I am trying to make are that all can seem TOTALLY overwhelming at the beginning and you really can't see how things are ever going to change for the better. However, they do get better, but it's often so gradual that you don't realise until you look back a couple of weeks later.

Make sure that you keep talking to your boyfriend about how you feel, even if you don't think that he can do anything, I've got no doubt that he'd want to know. And get your mum to come and help as much as you possibly can - I felt like I was cheating a bit by not doing it alone, now I realise that that was a bit silly of me.

Hope you're doing OK.