DD1 doesn't like 'people with brown skin' ...

[franch]

... including herself, apparently, as she says she wants white skin and straight hair. She's 4.5.

If I remind her that daddy, her favourite cousins, aunties etc are black, she says 'Well I like them, but I don't like brown skin.'

She also uses it as a reason for disliking people: 'I don't like Cousin X or Teacher Y because she has dark skin', etc.

I feel like a bit of a failure, having made a huge effort from Day 1 to make her feel ultra-positive about her appearance (she's stunning, and gets told so by the whole world, every minute of the day, but that makes no difference) - PLUS I've invested in endless books (we already own pretty much all of the ones on the 'non-white princesses' thread here), steered her towards the likes of Dora rather than Stephanie, censored the Disney princesses as far as possible, etc etc ...

She is very girly and currently going through an ultra pink / princessy phase - I definitely feel it's the whole Disney world of princesses that's primarily to blame - you just can't shelter them from that 100%, and it does feel like all my efforts to dilute/balance it have been in vain.

I very excitedly ordered this version of Cinderella on DVD recently but can't play it on our British DVD player

My next plan is to copy the covers of some of the brown-princess books we have, and frame them on her wall: this one, this one, and this very beautiful one (though I suspect she much prefers the Jump at the Sun ones as they're cunningly Disney-ish).

Mum and I have also been collecting pictures of conventionally beautiful (they have to be as conventional as possible for DD1) brown-skinned women from magazines etc, and next time I get some time with DD1 I plan to try and involve her in making a collage with them for her wall.

There are two battles really: convincing her (1) that skin colour doesn't matter in the sense that 'it's what's inside that counts', and (2) that black is beautiful. Any further suggestions as to how to wage this war - gently and persuasively! - would be really welcome.

Oh dear. I'm not Black, but I can remember being highly pissed off that all dolls and all heroines had blonde hair and blue eyes when I was little (apart from Snow White, hurrah!). Happily never thought it was me who was wrong, just them.

Sorry, don't have any great advice, just sympathise with you and dd. I do remember my mother cheering me up by pointing out that it was daft to cast the same girl in my class as Virgin Mary ever single year because Mary is unlikely to have been a blue-eyed blonde.

It's probably just a phase she is going through. You sound like you are doing so many wonderfully positive things with her that I'm not sure what else you could do other then keep at it and ride it out. You sound like a very caring and thoughtful mother btw. I bet she grows up with a good sense of who she is and a high self-esteem and it will be all because of your efforts.

Franch my cheap asda dvd player in my bedroom plays none british dvds and cost £14.99, might be an option. The cheap one downstairs wont and cost a fortune but the asda one will.

Know what you mean about Mary edam - usually Mary is the oldest girl in the nursery, but last Christmas they cast the ultra-blonde, blue-eyed, second-oldest girl, while DD1 (the oldest) was 'The Whoopsadaisy Angel'. In reality the latter is a much more fun part and I totally went to town on DD1's costume (she looked amazing), but even now she still talks very very sadly about wishing she had been Mary.

In fact, DD1 and said blonde girl ended up as rather unfriendly rivals at nursery, and that may have been when some of the problems started too. Said blonde repeatedly told DD1 that she was more beautiful than DD1 - so much that the normally-confident DD1 actually believed her.

Will look into a cheap multi-region DVD player, believein - altho we only have 1 TV so not sure where we'd put it!

Thank you ellideb, that actually brought tears to my eyes!

I hope this comes across ok and not critical! I've re-read it and wondered whether to post or not - it's just my thoughts so I hope I'm not offending!

Do you possibly think that she's a bit overwhelmed by the emphasis on non-white 'characters'? It is crap that so many are blonde and blue eyed, but unfortunately that's how it is and at 4.5 she is bound to want to become involved in them.

You say you want her to know that 'skin colour doesn't matter in the sense that 'it's what's inside that counts' yet you are actively steering her away from white characters, so therefore, in her eyes, skin colour does matter.

My DH is St Helenian (mid-Atlantic island) and when DD1 was 4 she was quite obsessed with the colour of her skin, daddy's skin and my skin (I'm white). She went through a phase of calling brown or black skin chocolate and giggling, but it didn't last very long. To be honest, I tried to ignore her unless she was veering towards the offensive!

My nephews are mixed race (or whatever the pc term is this week!) and the eldest is convinced he's white. My SIL is trying not to make a big deal of it as she thinks he's just trying to find where he 'fits in' with his friends and family.

Maybe, and I mean this in the nicest way, you need to lighten up a bit. Let her figure it out on her own instead of pushing brown-skinned princesses on your dd. She may just be pushing back a bit.
We have some family friends who are a very non-conventional family: 2 white gay dads with 5 adopted multiracial kids. The oldest is 7 and is a stunning bi-racial girl. The other day I offered to put posters up in her room (gay dads kind of missed out on that need) and she wanted High School Musical. So she's looking at the poster of all of the main characters and turns to my dd who is (5 and although white, definitely not blond) and says "which one do you want to be?" And then these two very not blond girls decide with absolute certainly that they both want to be the lilywhite blond character rather than the very attractive black girl. They both go to a very very racially, socio-economically mixed state school and have had plenty of racially mixed dolls and imagery in their lives.
At 3 my ds (who is white) desperately wanted to be black (we did live in an extremely black neighborhood) when he grew up. And then he decided he wanted to be Japanese (because they are allowed to slurp their soup).
REally don't sweat it, and maybe lighten up on pushing the racial parity....kids need to find things out for themselves sometimes. And they really do learn ethics and belief systems from the actual behavior of their parents, not just from what you tell them.

madamy, I get where you are coming from but when I talk about steering her away from things, I never EVER criticise white-skinned characters, movies etc or discourage her from looking at them. I probably mis-phrased it, actually - I have always just presented her with as many positive brown-skinned images as I can, rather than being negative about anything white. My aim is to dilute and balance out all the blonde, white-skinned ideals that she is bombarded with. All I can do is influence what she sees at home - what she is overwhelmed by, in her life as a whole, is the stereotyped images that Disney et al - and indeed the adult media - peddle. I rarely talk about race unless SHE brings it up - I hope I didn't sound like I was bombarding her with overtly worthy messages.

I agree that 'that's how it is', of course, but I'm not prepared to accept the affect that it's having on DD1 - hopefully it is just a phase but self-hatred is, sadly, not exactly unheard of and if I can do anything to help DD1 avoid that road then I will.

Thanks Sofia - I do know what you mean about DD1 'pushing back' - which is why I honestly do go easy on her! I do think a lot about it - and 'sweat it', as you put it - behind the scenes, but really, all I do is make sure all this stuff is around for her to choose from, and I certainly don't come down heavily on her when she comes out with comments that distress me. But it is hard having a daughter who at age 4.5 hates her own (incredibly beautiful) appearance and that's not something I can just shrug my shoulders about.

I know the list of what I've done to date in the OP may sound a bit over the top, but I just wanted to make it clear that this situation hasn't arisen out of thoughtlessness on our part. I strongly believe in fighting the status quo when it is wrong, and if she learns anything from me that'll be it.

She currently has a poster of Disney's Cinderella on her wall. I may itch to tear it down but it is her choice and I respect that.

I wonder if part of the problem is that everyone comments on how stunning she is, I have red hair and absolutely hate it mainly because everyone always commented on how stunning it was.

Perhaps she just wishes she was average rather than different. I hated being different.

Could be something in that, cargirl - she does get an extreme amount of comments about her appearance, which makes it difficult to focus on the 'what's inside' stuff. To be honest occasionally even I wish people would shut up about her 'amazing' hair - it's a difficult line to tread, isn't it?

Not sure how you get people to stop doing it though. If you could successfully dye red hair I would do it evven now as an adult because it singles me out so much. It's like I'm not remembered for who I am or what I do just the fact I have red hair. I was so relieved when my dc all had dark hair to save them the torture of growing up with red hair.

Do you live in a mixed community or a very white one?

franch - are you white yourself? If so IMO there's nothing you can do more than what you are already doing.

Little girls want to look just like their mummies I'm afraid. So maybe a bit more of "you've got my eyes" and your dh saying "i love your nose - it's just like mummy's" etc etc might help.

Very mixed, cargirl.

Yes I am white gagarin and you are absolutely right about them wanting to look like me (god knows why! ). That's a really good thought - thanks.

(Though I should add, cargirl, that DD1's nursery, by the time she left, had become all white - apart from her and a teacher she didn't like! All her best friends, to date, have been white. Her school has a reasonable mix, which makes me feel optimistic.)

My Dd (3.5) is going through something like this at the moment. Even though Im mixed and her dads black. We do live in a very white rural area and her best friend at playschool is blonde with blue eyes. Which is exactly what my DD wishes she had! We just try not to make it an issue at the moment. Although DH has declared that he will be sending her to Jamaica for the summer holidays every year as soon as shes old enough...

Funnily enough we're off to Jamaica in Oct - hadn't thought of that as a strategy tho!!

Apparently all of DH english cousins were sent down for the summer forfunandfolicksinthesun to learn about their heritage. Sounds great to me but not sure DD would appreciate being sent away for 6 weeks- even to Jamaica!

only read op, so may be repeating stuff
i think you are overparenting her about this issue. i have brown skin, from a brown family and we grew up with the blonde blue eyed disney princesses around us, and the only complexes we suffer from are those of overconfidence.

She is 4. It is a phase. You are doing all the right things, please don't overdo it, don't make a big issue out of it, you will only turn it into a problem.

My children are mixed race, our house is permanently full of people of all shapes sizes and colours, any tactless remarks made by small children are ignored as far as possible. Ignoring is far better than turning it into a big deal.

Dd went through a phase of wishing for blonde hair and blue eyes - when she was about 4. She is now 10, and very happy in her beautiful skin and her gorgeous brown eyes.

Thats very reassuring to know 3 little frogs. Thats what I'm hoping will happen here too.

Hi, i really agree with Madamy and sofiames, i went through this phase with my two eldest,when they were in junior school, all little girls go through this phase regardless of their colour, you are right to bring in positiveness, but please don't over do the colour thing, it will lead to more of an issue than if you ignore it, your daughter will soon grow out of it, my eldest is very light skinned and at 17 still loves the Barbie look' (she puts blonde extentions in etc...)(see pics) my younger girl who is 15, laughs at this and tells her she's a barbie doll ( lightheartedly though, not to upset or put down) my younger girl, she is into the slick down hair and ragga thing, but most importantly none of them have any issues with their colour, they have a white mum, black dad (irish/jamaican)and they are positive and secure in who they are and what their roots are, i have just had a baby boy two weeks ago, so atleast i wont be doing the barbie thing all over again, but no doubt when he starts school he will arrive home with some issues, either as a result of some kids comment or just what he sees in the media, i will tell him the same as i told his big sisters, which is that he is blessed as he is the best of both !! x good luck, and remember these issues are so temporary, and even if your child was white, with blonde hairshe would still want to look different to how she does.x

franch

I am not mixed white/black - but I am of mixed race. Feel free to ignore me if you want but I thought I might just add my advice.

I grew up in a foreign country where I looked different to EVERYONE else. I was the ONLY mixed race child in the entire town. I was the ONLY mixed race child in my whole primary school and then secondary school.

There were times I just wanted to be like everyone else, but then I also went through the blonde hair/blue eyes phase - AND I LIVED IN SOUTH EAST ASIA where NOBODY had blonde hair blue eyes - so can't figure that out!

But at the end of the day, like some other ladies have said. My mum NEVER made a reference to me being different. She never tried to make it ok that I was different. When I would have a moan, she would just say that I was lucky to be unique and that I was beautiful, what anyone else said meant nothing.

I never agreed with her, but her cool approach to the whole matter made me deal with it myself and as I got older, and grew out of the weird phases, I learnt to enjoy the fact that I wasn't A Typical....and that was cool!

Good Luck!