DD1 doesn't like 'people with brown skin' ...

[franch]

... including herself, apparently, as she says she wants white skin and straight hair. She's 4.5.

If I remind her that daddy, her favourite cousins, aunties etc are black, she says 'Well I like them, but I don't like brown skin.'

She also uses it as a reason for disliking people: 'I don't like Cousin X or Teacher Y because she has dark skin', etc.

I feel like a bit of a failure, having made a huge effort from Day 1 to make her feel ultra-positive about her appearance (she's stunning, and gets told so by the whole world, every minute of the day, but that makes no difference) - PLUS I've invested in endless books (we already own pretty much all of the ones on the 'non-white princesses' thread here), steered her towards the likes of Dora rather than Stephanie, censored the Disney princesses as far as possible, etc etc ...

She is very girly and currently going through an ultra pink / princessy phase - I definitely feel it's the whole Disney world of princesses that's primarily to blame - you just can't shelter them from that 100%, and it does feel like all my efforts to dilute/balance it have been in vain.

I very excitedly ordered this version of Cinderella on DVD recently but can't play it on our British DVD player

My next plan is to copy the covers of some of the brown-princess books we have, and frame them on her wall: this one, this one, and this very beautiful one (though I suspect she much prefers the Jump at the Sun ones as they're cunningly Disney-ish).

Mum and I have also been collecting pictures of conventionally beautiful (they have to be as conventional as possible for DD1) brown-skinned women from magazines etc, and next time I get some time with DD1 I plan to try and involve her in making a collage with them for her wall.

There are two battles really: convincing her (1) that skin colour doesn't matter in the sense that 'it's what's inside that counts', and (2) that black is beautiful. Any further suggestions as to how to wage this war - gently and persuasively! - would be really welcome.

When I was growing up I wanted to have blond hair and blue eyes. I grow up in a white area. My family was the only black family as far as I knew in my school.

Life was not always easy.

That was then. As a adult I love who I am and I think people of all races can be classed as beautiful. The media at one time use to give the impression that blonde and blue eyes was what beauty was all about.

I can assure you that you can have fun whether your blonde or whether you are black like myself. I am enjoying my life and love who God has created me to be.

DS is mixed race, and I notice how important it is to him that he has friends that have multi-racial families. He definitely kind of 'checks' in his mind that 'other families are like mine'. I mean, your family is your family - your DS loves her relatives, BUT she may also want to know that it's normal to have people of differing colours in your family. If her freinds are from all white or all black families she may be feeling 'odd one out'about hers?

And she may just be doing it because she knows it gets a reaction from you...you know these 4 year olds!!

Or someone may have said something to her, or she may have been influenced by the barrage of white heroines..in which case your positiv imge are invaluable.

I think that around 4 is a normal age for children to notice differences between themselves and others and try to make sense of them in the very limited way that they have for contextualising and sorting out the world. Whilst this is in no way the same sort of issue, my ds (who is blonde with curls) constantly tells me that he wants "flat hair" like many of his little friends and that he "hates his curlies". I simply reiterate that I think that he has gorgeous hair and that everyone looks different and that that is what makes everyone unique and special.

I think Blu's observations sound very useful.

I am buying the following book for ds because I think it will help him accept and celebrate human difference as he goes through school:

here

When I was little I wanted to have 'chestnut curls', because that was what my favourite heroine was described as having in the book. I didn't even know what chestnut curls would look like (I still don't...), but I really wanted them. Apparently, I also said I wanted to marry a millionaire when I grew up - my mum was distraught, because she'd tried so hard to bring me up with positive images of women all around me . I wouldn't worry too much about it - yes, little girls go through times when they want to look like their favourite heroine, or marry princes, but underlying it they are still taking in the values that their mums (my mum and you!) are trying so hard to convey to them, and you'll see that as she gets older.

When I was little I longed for blond hair and blue eyes and watching my dd1 (4) go through the same thing brings it all back. I guess it's just a phase many little girls go through.