Trying hard to raise my DD bilingual but feel like I am failing. Please tell me what to do.

[MixedFamily]

I am Italian and DH is English, we live in the UK and DD was born here.
She is 4yo and I have only ever spoken in Italian to her ever since she was born. I have supplemented this with lots of books in Italian, cartoons in Italian, games in Italian etc. We go back to Italy 4-5 times a year and we have family there that DD loves, although we usually only spend a week there as due to work we cannot stay much longer.
She understands Italian and English in the same way but only ever speaks in English and will sometimes use Italian words with me within an English sentence (so sentence and construction is English but then she might say the name of the object or the color in Italian etc). Her vocabulary is very good but she seems to struggle to spontaneously speak Italian and isn't able (or doesn't want to) build full sentences.
I was expecting this would be hard work as she goes to nursery full time here and I am really a minority but had thought that by 4yo she would be more or less fluent in her second language and at least able to have conversations with the grandparents back home whereas they speak to her in Ita and she always replies in English.
I am feeling a bit disappointed and wonder whether I have done it all wrong. I never subscribed to the approach or forcing her/pretending I don't understand her to get her to speak Italian only as I don't think it would work with DD personality and also don't want her to associate her second language to something too hard or unpleasant.

Keen to hear your stories and any tips you might have. Thank you!

No experience sorry but I think it's amazing what you are doing so I wouldn't stop
One day she will appreciate it 😍

Do you have Italian family, here, or who can face time here regularly? It really is all about exposure.
Lots of Italian holidays will help too!
I’m bilingual, but my children aren’t. I think English is seen as the language to default to. Which is a shame

That is a very common experience - please don't worry and please keep going. The most helpful thing you can do is to seek out Italian-speaking community for her wherever you can - is there a playgroup or a kids club anywhere near you where she could meet other kids in the same situation? That switch to using, as opposed to understanding, is a big one for any kid but it will come in the end if you can make the place for it in her life.

We found this a helpful book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Bilingual-Child-Living-Language/dp/1400023343

and there are all sorts of helpful resources and pointers to current research and advice here: https://www.bilingualism-matters.org

I sympathise! It’s hard work isn’t it. I would say keep doing what your doing, you have built a great foundation for her Italian and when she’s a bit older you can maybe send her to a Saturday Italian school for children with Italian as a first language ( as opposed to Italian as a SL). If you have a bilingual speech therapist in your area it can be worth seeing them, they are usually quite knowledgeable about raising bilingual child.

My sister in law only ever spoke to her and DB’s children in her own language, like you have been doing. When they were little they always replied in English and I don’t think I ever heard them use her language, at least not when they were around our English family. But I know they both studied her language for GCSE and A level and have translated a few things (odd words/expressions) for me over the years. At Christmas, we spent some time with them and I heard them replying to her in her language. They are now late 20s. It was lovely to hear and I was very envious.

You sound like you’re doing everything right - keep going!

I think this is normal. The people I know who got past this stage persevered in speaking their language all the time and basically pretended not to understand their child if they spoke to them in English. My Dh on the other hand gave up and now is not best pleased that none of his children are bilingual (the best we have got is conversational fluency but not more). Just keep going, and see if you can find some Italian speaking friend groups.

Amazing, you are enough!

No personal experience - but I think what you're experiencing is not unusual.
I think the mixed language sentences are a good indicator that she's understanding language and context but maybe doesn't quite get yet that these are two different languages.
She's still acquiring speech and language.
Children who speak one language often know and understand a vast amount more words and context than they can actually use yet.
I suspect once her broad acquisition of English is secure she will start speaking more Italian.
Keep doing what you're doing and don't pressure her to speak Italian.
One of my friends grew up in a similar household but the second language was a Scandinavian one. She felt intense pressure to use this language with her maternal parents and consequently (stubborn child 😄) refused to.
Another family I know brought their child up in an English/German speaking home. English was dominant early on but she's a bilingual teenager.

She’s really young still. Bilingual children acquire language fluency slower (obviously as they are learning two) but one day she will reap the benefits.

I've heard similar age children mixing their two languages (Polish and English). I believe there is a slight delay in fluent speaking and comprehension in Bilingual speakers BUT then apparently it does click and they have the benefit of the gift of two languages.
Definitely persevere and try and find an Italian speaking community.

This is my line of work, and from you write, it sounds like you are doing everything right, and you appear very well informed about it all. So please try not to worry, keep doing what you’re doing. Replying in English with you is very normal. Honestly, you’re doing brilliantly!

Thanks for all the encouraging messages! To answer some of the points raised above (in no particular order):

• Yes we have Italian friends with children her age, they speak Italian as both their parents are Italian but DD doesn't seem to engage in Italian with them, at least from what I can hear when they play together
• we go back to Italy as often as we can, like about 4 times a year and my family visit twice a year or so; she is very close to them but we only spend a few days to one week with them at the time due to work
• I have never forced her to reply to me in my language but sometimes I do so in a playful way, making it almost like a game and she makes a bit more of an effort but I can see her struggling to actually build sentences (whereas if it's just a matter of saying one word, that's fine as her vocabulary is great)
• She fully understands it's two different languages, how they are call, where we should speak what and that her mum and dad speak different languages etc so I don't think it's that

I think the reason I’m bilingual is because both my parents spoke to me in my second language! So at home I was completely immersed. However when I got married, my DH brought in a third language! So our children have a good understanding of two languages, can speak the basics os them, but their primary language is English as that’s how I communicate with DH

Yep, it's painful; you have to just keep going. Speak Italian, Italian TV, video games, books, and playgroup if you can; when looking at schools, see if any offer Italian, even at a club level - speaking to peers in the language is so helpful compared to a parent. DS finally started speaking to DH in his language around 13/14 when he made a friend of the same nationality and was forced into speaking the language when visiting their house; literally, in a matter of weeks, his ability increased tenfold; now, at 18, he is fluent with very few grammar mistakes. DD 16 still doesn't like to speak to him but she understands everything and when we go to his home country chats happily, but in "her" home she sees it as an English space.

I have friends who are both Portuguese, at home they use their first language only. Once the children started childminders and school the children began responding in English only. As they've grown (now teens) they switch between English and Portuguese with ease. It'll come, just be patient and carry on how you are.

I am similar to your dd in that I grew up with one parent who spoke to me in our language, and another who didn’t. I also did (and do) the reply in English thing.
Your dd seems to have a very good understanding of her Italian language, but like me maybe feels less confident, or less able to express what she wants to say ? I think immersion is key here, eg using her Italian as much as possible. When she is a bit older perhaps she could spend a few weeks each year with her family in Italy ? Could you have days at home where you agree to only speak Italian ? My children are bilingual and think and speak in both languages, perhaps your daughter at the moment thinks in English, can you ask her ?
She is still very small, don’t lose hope, as she gets older I think she will want to use her Italian more, she has all the basics there, so when she is in Italy I think she will start to naturally use Italian. When she is a teenager she is likely to feel pride at speaking Italian, and want to use it more. I think as bilingual children get older it becomes something they enjoy more, at four they tend to stick more to whichever language is the prevailing one.
So keep talking to her, reading etc. As she gets older watch films and dramas in Italian.

@Christwosheds yes you are very right there, I think it's definitely to do with her confidence as she knows she cannot express herself so well.
What worked for you/when did the switch happen?

Completely normal. She will be aware that English is the dominant language in her life, so it gets used most. Having an understanding of the other language is brilliant and will mean it is much easier to speak when she is ready. Make sure you continue as there is lots of learning going on. You can often change the language on streaming services, so could have all her cartoons in Italian, play Italian radio in her presence, read to her in Italian etc.

Could you do the same amount of time across the year in Italian, but go fewer times for longer? A week isn't long for immersion.

Stick with it OP! My DH is Italian and he only ever spoke to our 2 in Italian. Still does and they are 16 and 19 now and both fluent Italian speakers. DS is actually living in Italy at the moment in a job he got through being bilingual so it's worth it. My DH did get a bit disheartened when they would reply in English but I'd say they stopped this when they were a bit older. We used to send them to the nonni for a couple of weeks full immersion in the summer and as they don't speak any English they were forced into communicating only in Italian.

I think patience is key and maybe consider creating a predominantly Italian-language environment at home.... as far as possible have TV and radio on only in Italian. It is not an easy process to become fully bilingual. My DS (now 10) is bilingual, born and raised in Italy, with me a Brit speaking English to him and his Italian dad speaking Italian. Until DS started school he would only speak English (much to the disgust of his Italian nonni and the confusion of his teachers at infant school) because he just did not have any need to use Italian. I would say that he is actually a far better English speaker than Italian speaker because at home we watch 90% of TV etc in English and because he spends much more time with me than his non-chatty dad. He has sometimes struggled at school because of a lack of Italian vocabulary and often will recount his day at school to me in a bit of a mix of the two languages. I[m not overly concerned though as through other expat colleagues I know quite a few similarly bilingual kids and recognise that this is entirely normal and just part of the process. Keep up the good work ;)

I would say keep going! My dc is bilingual at almost 5 and speaks DH native language well but in all honesty, the thing that helped the most was we spent a whole summer in DHs home country around family so there was a lot of exposure. We also often have members of DHs family staying with us so that also helps a lot. He also only ever watches show in second language. I'd advise to keep going and only ever speak in Italian to her even if she responds in English. When DC would respond to DH in English, he would repeat the sentence they've just said in other language. She's still very little and will get there.

Deffo seek out community that's huge!! I'm bilingual and it's cos my Grandparents would come stay for extended periods and would only speak their language and pretended they couldn't understand English!!

We live in puglia, but speak english at home. I would've said, up until this year, that what you are doing wouldn't work. However, we recently met a family who are italian, but have taught their kids english from birth, and the kids (7 and 11) are very very good. Probably at least C1 english! None of the family has ever been to an english speaking country, even on holiday! Blew my mind to be honest.

I have friends with DC raise bilingual but they do have large emmersive communities so I think the DC spend more time speaking parents language than English.

They still has the same issues until DC were about 7 or 8. If she can understand you she's doing fine, don't frustrate her by refusing to understand her, she may think it's a problem with her English!

I think you're doing perfectly although it is unusual that she doesn't engage with other Italian children. Keep going, but she's her own person so be mindful that she may decide against it.

I would say that the biggest help in the experience of families I've known has been some form of education in the minority language (like Welsh medium education, Saturday school in Polish or Chinese etc.).
A whole summer in Italy will help a lot.
Does your DH speak Italian at all? Even if he isn't fluent, if you speak to each other in Italian she will pick up that yours is better and copy you!