Trying hard to raise my DD bilingual but feel like I am failing. Please tell me what to do.

[MixedFamily]

I am Italian and DH is English, we live in the UK and DD was born here.
She is 4yo and I have only ever spoken in Italian to her ever since she was born. I have supplemented this with lots of books in Italian, cartoons in Italian, games in Italian etc. We go back to Italy 4-5 times a year and we have family there that DD loves, although we usually only spend a week there as due to work we cannot stay much longer.
She understands Italian and English in the same way but only ever speaks in English and will sometimes use Italian words with me within an English sentence (so sentence and construction is English but then she might say the name of the object or the color in Italian etc). Her vocabulary is very good but she seems to struggle to spontaneously speak Italian and isn't able (or doesn't want to) build full sentences.
I was expecting this would be hard work as she goes to nursery full time here and I am really a minority but had thought that by 4yo she would be more or less fluent in her second language and at least able to have conversations with the grandparents back home whereas they speak to her in Ita and she always replies in English.
I am feeling a bit disappointed and wonder whether I have done it all wrong. I never subscribed to the approach or forcing her/pretending I don't understand her to get her to speak Italian only as I don't think it would work with DD personality and also don't want her to associate her second language to something too hard or unpleasant.

Keen to hear your stories and any tips you might have. Thank you!

I was the kid in your daughter's shoes. Although I did speak my mother's language almost exclusively until I went to nursery. Once I realised everyone else spoke English, that's what I did. It's hard for kids to feel like they're being left out or that they're different (not saying she is but kids can be sensitive to that sort of thing!).

Even if you don't feel like you are, she may feel forced to speak the language. I know I did. Although that was never how it happened. I never went back to speaking y mothers language again but she still spoke to me in it so I knew how to speak it and I still understand and speak it now - just never around her.

It's hard to explain. I just want to reassure you that it maybe doesn't mean she doesn't k ow the language, only that she doesn't want to use it.

I don't recommend this. She'll know you're lying, and it also turns anything related to language into a battlefield. That's never a positive strategy with children.

Trust the process instead of making it into something she might feel compelled to fight against. Read her lots of books in Italian instead, particularly at bedtime -books are better than television shows because they encourage dialogue and two-way engagement. Activity books or sticker books could be a great tool too. Just keep talking to her in Italian while doing fun things.

Yes, of course lots and lots of reading, didn't mean to suggest TV and no reading. But TV has the element of providing target language input which isn't also just you speaking. I've often felt that the challenging thing is that it seems like it's just me in the world speaking in this strange way and no-one else. Giving them as many other references as possible in the language helps them to see that it is a useful and important language and also cool and fun when it's a programme/film that they love.

For sure! There's a balance to it and nothing wrong with utilising TV.

I worked as an au pair for a bilingual family whose mum did this with English. Even with the 2 year old for certain things (please, thank you, yes and no).

of course if there was an emergency or some genuine issues she would be a bit softer with it, but generally she would say “sorry I only answer when you speak English to me”. Or “English please” etc.

occasionally they would mix the languages, saying the sentence in mostly English and throwing in the odd word from their dad’s language (the one they were most comfortable with) if they didn’t know the word and wanted to get through the sentence!!

It worked well having me there as an English speaking au pair as although I had some language skills, I genuinely didn’t understand everything they said in their dad’s language so they were forced a little more to speak English even more with me there. When they started school, again they tried to default to their dad’s language as that’s the language their friends at school used but we all kept at it! The eldest is in mid 20s now 😱😱

...generally she would say “sorry I only answer when you speak English to me”. Or “English please” etc.

This works well - it sets out clear expectations in a way that the child can understand. It's not the same as saying you don't understand, though, which is a statement many children would know to be untrue.

Games are good. I remember playing 'go fish' with my mum when I was little and learning my third language. The word in one language on one side of the fish, and in the other language on the other side of the fish. A point for every one I got right and then I could earn treats at the end. I liked that the language was incidental to the game. Could do something similar (with or without rewards) with all sorts of things like snap or memory or a doll's house or whatever. Could also mix it up so that mum has to say the English word or term and DD has to say the Italian. Mum would get some things very wrong, of course, to add humour.

It depends on the child's personality too, of course. Go with what she loves to do and find ways of bringing Italian into it.

No idea at all. Something clearly clicked internally but from outside no idea what it was

You are doing everything right.
Understanding comes before speaking and as children get older and meet their extended family on both sides they speak more fluently.
My dc spoke mostly English when they were little but their dad always spoke his native
(Asian)dialect to them.
Now adults they speak English and their dad's language. They have picked up other languages easily too (as bilingual children do) and can converse comfortably in French, Spanish and German too.

The friends I know are fluent in the their mother tongue had parent who only spoke the mother tongue and they had to respond in the mother tongue. Can you discourage your daughter from answering in English.

Does anyone recommend doing the thing where I stop replying/pretend I don’t understand her anymore? Seems a bit harsh but wonder if that is the way?

^

Reply every time in Italian. Translate what she says into Italian every single time

Don't get annoyed, just continue the conversation like that

Soon she'll get fed up and just speak Italian

Also, bear in mind shes only four

She has time

Definitely do not say to her:

Ok, so now we're going to speak in Italian

Just do it all the time, it's your default language

Yes it seemed to work well and she wasn’t lying! 🤭

also agree that humour is good to keep them motivated. The mum I was working for would also sometimes make the kids laugh by doing an over dramatic (in the language they are supposed to speak to her) “excuse me??!! THAT wasnt English!!!!!!” Or “did you just speak to me in SWEDISH??!!! Why did you do that??!!!” Sometimes accompanied by tickling (this was with the 2 and 5 year old).

i think that also worked well to keep things light and the kids would then be giggling while trying to speak in the “correct” language 😊

I missed a few pages of replies...
Just chat normally. Don't turn it into pretending not to understand or anything like that.

This is exactly what I have been doing

Is there anyone you could introduce her to that speaks Italian that she doesn't already know? If you pretended that person only spoke Italian, I wonder whether that would encourage her not to use English without any of the downsides of pretending not to understand her yourself.