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Original poster

To “force” DD to only speak to me in French

101 replies

Wantobeareader · 15/02/2024 20:39

I am French and DH is British, we live in the UK and my DD was born here.
I only ever speak to her in French and have done so since she was born but I mainly speak Emglush with DH as he isn’t very fluent.
She only ever replies to me in English but she has recently started to say quite a few French words in English sentences, which is great.
I have never pushed her to reply to me in French as I was concerned this would make her refuse the language and associate with a duty iuswim. Should I start doing that instead?
DD is 3.5 yo.

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Orangello · 15/02/2024 20:43

I have found this to be the only way to get the DC to speak my language. Kids take the easiest way as well. When they were younger, I would also change the language on TV and claim it's broken, sorry, cartoons in my language only.

Original poster
Wantobeareader · 15/02/2024 20:47

@Orangello I am so tempted to do it but DD os a very reserved and sensitive little girl so I am scared I would get the opposite effect and that she will associate it with a negative feeling. I wonder if it’d be weird to start reinforcing that now that she is 3.5?
Re the tv, I’d love to do more of that but the main way I find cartoons in my language is on youtube and the choice is very limited. You can occasionally swap the language on netflix or disney but not much choice. She is very into Julia Donaldson’s ones on bbc currently

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Hatty65 · 15/02/2024 20:49

I think this is the only way for children to grow up bi-lingual. I have a friend who only spoke German with her DC at home so that they grew up learning that. I think you should try and get her to answer in French when there are just the two of you, and speak English when your DH is home.

LaPalmaLlama · 15/02/2024 20:54

I have a friend who only speaks to her DC in mandarin and her husband in German. The DC understand both languages to native fluency. However, all the DC (now aged 10-14) often reply in English to both parents (which they all speak fluently and the dc speak as their school and friends language). Her view is you have to just go with it as she didn't want to make it a "thing", and as they grow older, sometimes they can't adequately express what they want to say in mandarin and then they just want to say it in whichever language best puts it across, especially if they're upset or angry or tired.

paristotokyo · 15/02/2024 20:54

We've enforced it since the very beginning, one parent one language. DC always been encouraged to respond to us in our own native language. He can automatically switch between both languages depending on who he is addressing, even if we are both present. I'd definitely say there hasn't been any negatives in doing so. However the language where we live is definitely the one he's most fluent/confident in, which is to be expected.

Original poster
Wantobeareader · 15/02/2024 20:54

@Hatty65 for clarity, I only ever speak French with her no matter who is around, including DH.
I speak English with DH only, never with DD

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Original poster
Wantobeareader · 15/02/2024 20:56

I just don’t force her to reply in French but I never speak English to her

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GandTeaForMe · 15/02/2024 20:58

You really do need to do OPOL. We didn’t do this as strictly as we should have and are playing catch up now - we still don’t do it strictly at home and need to do better. One child has caught up well and can chat away. The other refuses to speak the second language which has been very frustrating, but is demand avoidant generally and currently awaiting an ASD diagnosis which might explain things.

for both children (but particularly for demand avoidant second child) we have realised that even if they reply in English, it’s evidence that they are understanding the second language so very much still worth persevering as it’s all going in one way or another and we will get there in the end.

ColdButSunny · 15/02/2024 20:58

My friend is French and her DH is English. She talks to her husband in English but always talks to her DD in French. Her DD went through a phase of always speaking English to her mum, my friend found it a bit upsetting but it was just a phase, she came through it and is now in her teens and fluent in both languages.

Precipice · 15/02/2024 21:00

Wantobeareader · 15/02/2024 20:54

@Hatty65 for clarity, I only ever speak French with her no matter who is around, including DH.
I speak English with DH only, never with DD

This isn't quite true. You only speak French to her. If she's replying in English to you, you're not really speaking French with her.

Yes, you should start making her reply in French to your French. This will probably be a rocky and slow process, since she's used to replying to you in English (and I would presume, speaks English better than she does French and doesn't feel so comfortable speaking French, or you wouldn't have ended up in this situation.) It would have been better to set it up from the beginning that she only speaks French to Maman and English with Daddy, except where it's a three-part family conversation. It's considered better for children to have language A with parent A and language B with parent B than to mix and match. But it's not too late. The second best time is now.

If you don't get her to start speaking to you in French, her French will not be good. She will understand (you), but she'll struggle with conversation. I had a friend like this (another language).

helpfulperson · 15/02/2024 21:00

Surely if you spoke french to DH as well, his french would quickly improve and that would benefit him.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 15/02/2024 21:01

Wantobeareader · 15/02/2024 20:47

@Orangello I am so tempted to do it but DD os a very reserved and sensitive little girl so I am scared I would get the opposite effect and that she will associate it with a negative feeling. I wonder if it’d be weird to start reinforcing that now that she is 3.5?
Re the tv, I’d love to do more of that but the main way I find cartoons in my language is on youtube and the choice is very limited. You can occasionally swap the language on netflix or disney but not much choice. She is very into Julia Donaldson’s ones on bbc currently

They need to associate you with speaking French and that will be associated with love and a loving relationship. It is hard to change the way of doing rhings though. Maybe you could go away for a week or so to French family (????) AS a way of almost like kick starting something different with you. Nut u do have to be prepared for a hit of a backlash and to not give in. It willl work onky if your persist. And remember she loves you so its your fantasy that' its negative .. not her reality.

Amd quick ... do it now ... the time to start is now , donr wait....
Plenty of literature about bringing kids up bilingually in this scenario and it will be about sticking to your language

Original poster
Wantobeareader · 15/02/2024 21:01

@GandTeaForMe I thought that OPOL simply means that you only speak to your child in your own languge and the other parent does the same, which is what we do. I didn’t think it was nevessary to force her to reply in French and pretend I don’t understand her sorr of thing, I am scared this might frustrate her and have a negative impact on our relationship

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Wildhorses2244 · 15/02/2024 21:02

Have you spent any time with her in France? Lots of families find that a couple of weeks where the children have to speak the language because others only understand that language pushes them to speak it more at home too.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 15/02/2024 21:06

Just encourage her to respond to you in French.

Peux-tu dire ça en français mon petit ?

Original poster
Wantobeareader · 15/02/2024 21:06

Yes we visit my family a few times a year but because of work we can never spend more than 7-8 days there at the time.
I also read a lot of French books to her and we have playdates with other French families sometimes.
I now feel like a total failure, I thought I was doing so well :(

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Orangello · 15/02/2024 21:07

If you want her to speak French then she needs to speak it. Otherwise it will ever only be a passive language she understands but cannot speak. And it's such a gift to be properly bilingual. Do it, you still have time. Starting in 10 years won't be the same.

ErinAoife · 15/02/2024 21:09

I am from Belgium and I was speaking French to my eldest when he was small but when he started school he refused to speak French and ignored me when I spoke in French so I gave up at the end. It did not help that ex husband never tried to learn my language as for him no need as English is spoken everywhere and he was telling that to the kids. I think ex husband did not like the fact he couldn't understand so did everything to stop them learning it. I would suggest to have your husband learning it to support you.

GandTeaForMe · 15/02/2024 21:13

Wantobeareader · 15/02/2024 21:01

@GandTeaForMe I thought that OPOL simply means that you only speak to your child in your own languge and the other parent does the same, which is what we do. I didn’t think it was nevessary to force her to reply in French and pretend I don’t understand her sorr of thing, I am scared this might frustrate her and have a negative impact on our relationship

This is my understanding too and is the ideal scenario. I was just making the point that we’ve never done that properly and we’ve still managed to make up for lost time to the extent that older child is now very comfortable in the minority / second language. With second child we are trying but the more we want her to speak the language, the harder she seems to avoid it. As such, and recognising that there’s more at play here, we are having to pick our battles.

for us that means accepting that progress is slow, taking her understanding us passively as a win and hoping she will get there in her own time. We know she can do it when she wants to, because we’ve heard her sneakily asking her non-English-speaking grandparents for sweeties in the minority language when she thought we weren’t around!

Original poster
Wantobeareader · 15/02/2024 21:15

@ErinAoife DH speaks French actually but more at a good conversational
level so hving long conversations with him in French all day is quite tiring as I have to repat myself a lot and simplify sentences, which is annoying. He does want to speak it more though.
Pretty inpressive for a brit tbh🤣

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Bankholidayboredom23 · 15/02/2024 21:16

Keep speaking French to her and let her respond in English. It's a tricky age as they start pushing back but it is cyclical. Perfectly fine to have exchanges where she is speaking English and you are speaking French. At one point (maybe a few years!) IT will change.

ErinAoife · 15/02/2024 21:19

@wantobeareader, that is good. Maybe choose one day a week where your household only speak French for a few hours. Having a supporting partner makes such a difference, I wish my ex husband did make the effort to learn but he is a selfish person.

Original poster
Wantobeareader · 15/02/2024 21:19

@ErinAoife ❤️

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Bobbybobbins · 15/02/2024 21:21

I think you are doing fine with it OP and don't be too hard on yourself or your daughter. I really like the idea a previous poster said if having a day where everyone speaks French. You could make it really fun then with daddy doing it too.

LaCasaBuenita · 15/02/2024 21:22

I don’t think it’s a question of forcing. That implies punishment for not complying. I would tell her to speak French to you nicely but firmly.

For other posters - you can change the language on Netflix children’s shows to anything you want. It’s worth getting if you have bilingual children.