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Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

Original poster

Pakistani husband and in laws financials.

28 replies

MariaUsman · 08/10/2023 19:10

My husband is from Pakistan he sends money to his mum back home and I never stop him but he sends money we don’t have.

I always have to compromise our financial situations so he can send money I’m tired of it.

we came to a agreement he would send a specific amount but he hasn’t stuck to it and I have asked and spoke to him explaining I want him to watch our financial situation first before sending and not send what we don’t have but no Change.

he has 2 older brother every since he started sending money they have stopped working.

i am happy for him to send for his parents but feel he should it be sending to support BIL and brother in laws family. Is that unfair, specially because we live with my parents and he has not taken any steps to make foundations for us.

he sends approx 550000 pkr triple what his wage was when he was in Pakistan. When I ask why so much I don’t get an answer.

what should I do?

we haven’t spoken for two days now because of this and It’s making me resentful towards him he doesn’t see how this is damaging our marriage.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 08/10/2023 19:22

Is that 1500 quid, a month?

He's not going to stop. You either accept it or you tell him to leave

historyrepeatz · 08/10/2023 19:30

You say you are happy for your DH to send a fixed amount to his parents but can you stay married to someone who may well send money for his brothers and put them before you for the rest of your life? Do you have children, do you plan to have them?

Have you chosen to live with your parents as a multigenerational family or was it supposed to be while you saved for your own place? If the latter do you have plans together as to how to achieve this and ideas of timescales? Do you both pay any contribution to costs for your parents or do you have your full income to save? In your set up as a couple are you both financially responsible for your family or is it your husbands sole responsibility?

What lifestyle is your DH helping to fund for his parents and your BIl's and how does that compare to yours? Do your BIL's have wives and children. Do their wives contribute if you are doing so here?

Original poster
MariaUsman · 09/10/2023 08:22

I don’t mind helping her and there when we have the capability my issue is we are struggle we need to first be grounded before we can think to help others.

no kids yet and I did have a time scale he is aware he also is aware and we both agree to stay with my parents to save.

we don’t pay rent to we contribute to the bills. Not SIL don’t contribute it’s only me . This is always what upsets me because BIl and SIL contributed but as soon as he started sending money they stopped.

OP posts:
historyrepeatz · 09/10/2023 08:37

It's unlikely to get better but I will say my own experiences colour my view. How old are his parents and in-laws? Is he going to be doing this for the rest of their lives?

He is going to look like a great son and brother to his family and everyone else at home but in the meantime you are both living with your parents so it is your parents enabling him to be so generous with his. £1,500 a month in your own deposit fund would go a long way to setting up your own family.

You did say that you are supposed to be building the foundations to your family's future. Those foundations are not looking promising. I cannot emphasise enough how important trust is and being on the same page. if you don't have that you will have a very painful future ahead.

TheBabylonian · 09/10/2023 08:47

You need to get rid of this muppet, he won’t change and it will only get harder/worse as time goes on.

Highandlows · 09/10/2023 09:23

I m afraid that he will put his family in Pakistan always first. It is the culture and you won’t change that. Not sure how much you knew about this before but now either you accept it or leave him. I would be running 🏃‍♀️ before getting pregnant and be even more trapped with this family.

Original poster
MariaUsman · 09/10/2023 12:21

£150 is the amount in pounds.
it started at £100 then £120 so on now it’s £200 .

I know it’s not a lot but it money we can put towards daily spending or savings.

OP posts:
historyrepeatz · 09/10/2023 12:40

Sorry yes £150 is vastly different to £1,500 and there are a lot of people who wouldn't notice that. For others it might be more than their own disposable income or mean you tightening your belts to an uncomfortable level in order to make in laws comfortable enough not to need to work.

volunteersruz · 09/10/2023 13:01

Are you British Pakistani yourself? I think you probably need to get some counselling as to your aims and values as a couple ….if you would rather a future home with just yourself and your husband whereas your husband sees you living with your parents long term, then this may cause problems.obviously if he wishes to support his parents (culturally this would be understandable) he may never have the cash to purchase your own home. Have the important conversations now before you have kids.

Original poster
MariaUsman · 09/10/2023 18:18

I understand £150 is not at lot but after bills and other needed expenses for example car insurance, driving lessons . I don’t even go out for dinner or anything .
we have £300 left over from which he send to his parents.

my augment is we are not in position to send therefore can send less and wait until have better job then send more. I don’t think thanks unreasonable.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/10/2023 19:17

MariaUsman · 09/10/2023 12:21

£150 is the amount in pounds.
it started at £100 then £120 so on now it’s £200 .

I know it’s not a lot but it money we can put towards daily spending or savings.

Better than what 550000 pkr converted too must admit. If it's still too much he needs to stop it.

GrumpyPanda · 09/10/2023 19:37

He's stealing from your parents to send to his. You can't keep him from sending his own money, but it sounds like you need to completely separate finances so at least his generosity comes out of his own spending money. In your place I'd also discuss with your parents whether they should start charging you rent or other contributions. They can always blame it on rising living costs, but maybe they can squirrel away part of it as deposit savings for you.

ThreeLeggedPug · 09/10/2023 19:44

Does he work? Do you work?

volunteersruz · 10/10/2023 09:40

OP@MariaUsman thats a really good suggestion from @GrumpyPanda ......if your parents charge you a rent/mortgage equivalent and then put it in a savings account for your house deposit then this is much more of a real world financial situation ....that might wake your husband up, I'm sure your parents dont want you living with them forever.(well, they might , but I'm sure they'd appreciate financial contributions if so!)

Goodnightythen · 10/10/2023 09:49

My dad would always do this, send money back home to Pakistan. It's basically saying 'look how well I'm doing in England'. It meant we would have nothing for ourselves growing up. Ultimately the only thing that will stop him is if he ever feels the need to stop flexing to his family back home. But Pakistani culture doesn't really allow that I'm afraid.

Fulshaw · 10/10/2023 09:54

I don’t know anyone personally from the culture but I’ve read enough on here and elsewhere to understand that this is very much ingrained and you will never be able to persuade him out of it.

You need to resign yourself to it or think again about this marriage.

Original poster
MariaUsman · 10/10/2023 13:17

I have spoke to my mum and see agrees. Hopefully seeing that after rent and bills we don’t haven’t enough for supporting BIL eill
help him see . If not my next thought is to speak to MIL and BIL myself and tell them we are putting a limit to Walmart we sending any anything that’s not covered in that amount they will need to pay themselves.

OP posts:
Crafthead · 04/01/2024 13:26

Tell him your parents started charging £1000 a month rent.

Pinkmagic1 · 06/01/2024 08:13

He will never change. I was married to a man from a similar culture for over 25 years and it just got worse. His brothers also became very lazy, and it got to the point he was supporting his parents, brothers, plus his sister and her 4 kids. It got to the point where I often had to nag him for money for things for our children, yet his sister would call and ask for money, and he would be immediately on his phone sending it.
I ended up ending the marriage for many reasons which I won't go into here, but I can't say that this wasn't a contributing factor.

Allthatglittersisntart · 07/01/2024 14:35

It is a cultural thing that will unavoidable when you date/marry some-one from a significantly poorer country. Our DPs are usually richer (not always of course). And wait until some-one there has an expensive medical problem.
However paying for his brothers to not work is not reasonable. Can he get a visa to bring them to UK where they can support the family? Or does he have higher earning potential?
I have felt resentful of my DP who gave lots of money to his family while living a frugal lifestyle (and feeling guilty about spending money) , mainly because he could have bought a house by now, but now he is sending the minimum as we are having a DC. Also he has never gone anywhere near my money!

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2024 14:38

Take th blinders off, op. This will never change. Your husband will never change. His family will always come first. If you have any sense you will end this marriage before you have children with this man.

MixedCouple · 21/02/2024 00:44

This is why I didn't marry someone from abroad.
In Asian Culture it is the responsibility of the youngest to look affer the family especially parents.

It isn't going to change dear. You should have done your home work before marriage. Finances is massive reason for divorce.

Femme2804 · 21/02/2024 01:51

Its depend how is your MIL doinf without his helpinh? Can she survived?

i send my mum money back home (i’m not pakistani). I sent £500 a month. Because my mum doesn’t have retirement money and dont have anything. So i have to give her money for her day to day life. If your MIL doesn’t have any retirement and cant live without your husband money then you dont have a choice. We cant just abadon our mother and let her starve.

Rosindub · 21/02/2024 02:11

OP can certainly abandon her husbands mother. He is making a fool of OP and her parents.

Coyoacan · 21/02/2024 03:22

Can three adults really live on 150 pounds a month in Pakistan? That is amazing

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