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Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

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Original poster

Toxic Asian in laws

14 replies

Hungrypanda32 · 21/07/2020 08:42

Hi,

I’m writing on here for a bit of perspective. I’ve been married for 8 years now with one child and another on the way. I come from a different city to my husband and I moved cities once we married.

I lived with my in laws for a period of time (following custom) but the whole environment and people became toxic very quick. I was treat and spoken to really bad whilst I lived with them. They expected me to do all the housework and disagreed to me having a career etc. My husband and I decided not to give up on each other and moved out.

I had full right to close my doors on in laws then and cut them out of my life but I continued for the sake of my husband not being isolated. Since then they’ve tried their best to interfere but have been told where to go. I am currently expecting my second child and since moving out I put in a huge Effort with them. Making an effort on birthdays being involved for my kids sake and my husbands so they can have a “normal family”. During this pregnancy I have become completely bedridden and my MIL has decided to make zero effort to even offer to help. With lockdown my own family in unable to travel to another city and this has hurt me deeply.

Regardless of their behaviour and actions I made a conscious and almost forced effort to keep the relationship between my kids and their grandparents alive but they have shown zero compassion towards my situation.

Is it time to call it a day and cut them out of my life?

OP posts:

MNHQ

FlissMumsnet · 22/07/2020 21:47

Hi Hungrypanda32,

Thanks for posting - we're unfortunately not able to offer you any specialist advice but we wanted to wish you well and give this a bump for you.

We really hope some of our other users will be along soon to offer you their views and support.

longtimelurkerfirsttimeposter · 22/07/2020 21:51

I always try to keep the attitude of expect nothing and anything else is a bonus.

If they were toxic while you were living there, what would change since you've moved out?

I would focus on your marriage and your children, and leave the keeping it nice with the in laws up to your husband.

I wish you well, it's v difficult and it's shit it has to impact your life. Feels like you don't just marry your husband you marry the family too.

babba2014 · 22/07/2020 22:02

I wouldn't say this is a reason to cut them out.
My in laws never bothered with me either. I lived in an apartment with no lifts with my first and was so out of it during pregnancy - they wouldn't know as they never asked. I don't think I expected them to but we always did this in our family to my sister in laws and people in general.

Anyway after baby was born and they didn't really bother, I just didn't bother either. It took a few years for me to realise that being the bigger person is much better and if I don't expect anything, there's nothing to cut them out for so I should treat them like I would a neighbour or distant friend and I started seeing them again but not much. In subsequent pregnancies this didn't mean they came to see me or anything but that's who they are and since I don't expect anything, it doesn't bother me.

I feel like my husband should still respect his parents and be kind towards his siblings. It doesn't mean meals together or rushing out to deal with their every request etc but it means being kind and not lowering his standard to theirs. I felt like we lost who we were as a couple, loving and kind, by stooping to other people's levels of not doing anything.

Since then we feel much better. If we visit, it's short and sweet. We rarely visit siblings and if it is it's just a quick pop in. No huge family meals etc.

beautifulforevers · 06/08/2020 23:10

Cut them out and focus on your own family. The more you let them in, the more chance your own key relationships will suffer.

nuggles · 06/08/2020 23:19

Hi @Hungrypanda32,

I have a similar story to you. Asian, moved 2 hours away from my family to my husbands which happens to be 5 mins from his parents.

Toxic relationship too with the MIL.

What does your husband say? Is he supportive of you?

I hope you're feeling better, sounds like a rough pregnancy

We ended up having a huge argument with MIL after my first was born. I went home for a month for space. Husband had big words with his parents, so many arguments. Oh the stress. Relationship only existing because of the kids.

Given time they've calmed a bit but we still keep our distance. I'm sorry my words aren't of any help. Tell them nothing, expect nothing. Guess you know where you stand with them

Bobisnotmyuncle · 12/09/2020 14:43

Hi,

I have a lot of empathy for you. I moved nearly three hours away to live with my in-laws. I didn’t know this before I got married but the home I am living with my in laws is my husbands home. He pays the mortgage so we can’t afford to move out. My in laws have other properties but insist on us all living together. My MIL is educated and works but has very traditional views. I don’t really know what to do as I am stuck. As for your situation I wouldn’t say cut them out. Don’t stoop to their level. Hope things getter better for you x

jay120 · 12/09/2020 14:46

Wish I could say it gets better but honestly once they toxic they always toxic
Asian family's mix culture with religion and honestly I hate it

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2020 14:47

Where is your husband in all this? Does he just sit back and watch his family treat you like shit?

jay120 · 12/09/2020 14:48

@Aquamarine1029

Where is your husband in all this? Does he just sit back and watch his family treat you like shit?

My husband does. Am always the bad one if I say anything to his sisters or mum but it's okay for them to treat me like shit

Trailing1 · 12/09/2020 14:49

Another one here in the same joint family bollocks. Solidarity sisters!

Bobisnotmyuncle · 12/09/2020 21:28

Do you think that we endure this cultural burden for it to only disappear within a few generations? I have no desire to live with my daughter in law yet I am forced to live with my in-laws.

7yo7yo · 12/09/2020 21:35

My advice to anyone getting married now is don’t behave in a false way.
Don’t let them put you on a pedestal as the only way Is down.
Ive noticed that girls who are perceived to have an “attitude” or are said to be selfish or abrupt and abrasive are “feared” and respected.
And yes we all need to let occasional bitchy comments pass but otherwise challenge every comment.
They’ll soon get tired or wary of making them.

Dawnlassie · 12/09/2020 21:38

Doesnt sound like its going to ever improve so bin them off.

Trailing1 · 12/09/2020 21:47

I agree with what you have observed, Bobisnotmyuncle. Feel so suffocated there isnt room for all of us (we have enough bedrooms but not enough other space for living). We have our own house but DH refuses to move into it.

DHs sibling lives there too and is an arsehole, stereotypical pig. Too long of a story to go into but if I had somewhere to go I would have left with the kids ages ago..... but, cultural burdens, finances, honour and all that

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