Anyone have to change their identity in order to marry their DH and now feel trapped?

[Halzer]

I think Im going to explode!!!
I have been with my Bengali DH since I was 16. We got married when I was 26 and Im now 31.. Im 3/4 white english and 1/4 carribean. However, due to some weird genes, I look arab/asian!

Anyway, when I married DH, he was the first bengali in his area to have a 'Love' marriage, and the first to marry a non-bengali. The pressure I had from my inlaws was intense. My friends disappeared as my life changed. I had to stop work and stay at my inlaws place.
My MIL wanted me to be the perfect 'bengali' daughter inlaw. I threw away all my english clothes and only wore sarees. I learnt to cook bengali food and speak the language.
My FIL wanted me to be muslim. I had to say I would or else we wouldnt have been able to marry. I have read the Quran in english, can read it in arabic and I know pretty much everything about the religion. Infact I think I read to much about it after I got married, as many things I have read contradict what people practice, and I personally dont believe that Islam is the ONE, if you see what I mean.
Since I moved from from my inlaws home, I started being me again. I wear jeans, dont cover my hair and just be 'normal. Recently my BIL, his wife and kids have come to live with us, as the inlaws places has become overcrowded. Now I feel like Im back to square one. I feel like I cant listen to music, and I feel concious infront of my SIL when I wear jeans, as they have some warped preception that jeans = tart!
Out of respect for my inlaws' I wear asian clothes and observe islamic customs when Im in their home, just to keep the peace.
I really want to come out and say that I just want to be me. All this pressure is getting to me, but if I say it the backlash will be so great that I will feel it forever...
I just feel trapped!

I don't have any experience with this, but just wanted to wish you well...Is your dh supportive of you being "normal"? I think you have made an amazing effort, you must be a very strong (and clever!!!) person!!

bump

I'm in a mixed relationship, dp is hindu, I'm white. We've been together 4.5 years, not married, but have 2 year old twin boys. It sounds like you've had so much pressure because you had to live with them.

In our relationship it has been a bit more two way. Although I have adopted far more of his families customs than he has of mine, we both have a healthy respect for each other's cultures. Although as a family we practice Hindu beliefs, he has visited churches and cathedrals with me. I've learned to cook Indian food and introduced him to the sort of food I grew up on, and cook a variety of both.

I wonder if you SIL would be a good starting point? Perhaps when the men are at work, try to share aspects of your culture with her - go clothes shopping, introduce her to your music.

I agree that a lot of the time, you do have to keep the peace, especially where parent in laws are concerned, and I do have to bite my tongue sometimes, but it needs to be more give and take, for your sanity. I think it is only fair on your kids too, that they are taught about all of their heritage and not jsut the Bengali side of it.

I would also say you have made an amazing effort. Well done for learning the language and everything. I married into a family origions in India but my MIL lives in Bangladesh and she would love me to be more like you - atleast the language and religion bit! I failed, I also had to learn abit of Urdu and Hindi and I only know basic arabic words not even phrases.
I'm lucky in that dh's family accepts me anyway, even though a few of them would prefer me to be a total convert and bring the dc up accordingly. What about your roots though, I couldn't bring my dc up and not teach them all our British customs. Do you not miss that part of your life?

I've taught my dc about all the world religions, all the customs from dh's background and mine and to top it all we live in Germany so they have picked up that side of things too. It's up to them to decide what and who they are later. At the moment they feel very British but know they would have a home in Bangladesh if they wanted.

I'm impressed at the language bit too! I wish I could speak more, I have real communication difficulties with some of dp's family. Only know bits of Hindi/Urdu and Gujarati.

hi halzer

im bengali myself and know exactly the pressure youre under to make yourself accepted into your dhs family. unfortunately a lot of the elders will not change their views about their culture and religion and its their way or nothing. this view is even held by a lot of the younger generation!

i have been disowned by my family including my older brother and sister because im unmarried to my jamaican dp, we have 2 dc and because i dont follow islam. they will communicate with me if i get dp to convert to islam and i will not do that as im not muslim myself.

have you spoken o your dh about the way you feel?

Thanks for the messages everyone... I feel better that I have offloaded my worries here.

The funny thing is that because of my physcial appearance, when their distant relatives meet me for the first time, my MIL tells them Im arab! Its like they are ashamed to say 'english'

I have spoken with my DH a few times, especially about the religion side of things. I have told him that I believe in 'something' after death but I dont believe in Islam.
My DH doesnt practice his religion, just goes along with the celebrations etc. so I dont have any pressure there.

Even though my SIL is here and we get on well enough, we are still worlds apart. We have nothing in common apart from our inlaws.

Once my daughter starts full time school Im going to find myself a part time job to save my sanity. My son will start nursery by then so I hope my SIL will be able to pick him up in the morning..

Once again, thanks for the messages everyone. Im feeling better already!

Hi Halzer, I'm sorry about the pressure you are under but also amazed and impressed by the enormous efforts you have made to accommodate your in-laws.

I have a Sikh friend whose sister married a Jamaican and she has been banished from the family because of it. He sees her when he can but his family do not know.

My advice is that you need to be true to yourself. When you are at your in-laws house, by all means respect their traditions and dress appropriately. However, when you are in your own space, just be yourself and they can take it or leave it. To do otherwise will leave you feeling deeply unhappy and extremely resentful. You cannot deny who who are and in the long term, it is impossible to keep pretending to be someone who you are not.

What does your DH say about it? Does he support you or does he cow-tow to his family? If he supports, then it will be easier for you to be true to yourself. If he does not support you, you will have to make him see how unhappy you are with the situation.

Good luck!

SPEEDYMAMA, ARE YOU PRETTYMUM'S FRIEND!!!??? lol [GRIN]

Hello everyone I am also in a mixed race relationship. I have found a wonderful site mixtogether.org which is specifically for couples in mixed relationships and people who have been disowned by their families.

Hmmm. I hope your DH recognises that you have effectively disowned who you are in order that he not be disowned by his family.
I don't know what you can do, but I feel concerned that this is an issue which is going to amplify. You are also keeping your dd from her racial and cultural heritage, too - does she know that you are not, in fact, Arab? or will she? (as she is clearly young atm). I would be wary of relying on your SIL to undertake childcare while you work - by doing that you would be locking yourself further into the family support network which is so claustrophobic for you.

You would have far more privacy and independence if you were not sharing with your BIL and family - can this be arranged at all? Is there any possibility that your DH would contemplate a move to another town?

My ILs are Hindu, with a complicated and very close family network of muslim cousins, and although none of the issues you describe are anything that DP himself is locked into, I feel just enough of it when we go on extended 'hokiday' visits to his parents country to understand what pressure you are under.

Actually, DP was married, before me, in a huge wedding with all his parents' community present. Rather than admit that her son was not only divorced but shacked up, unmarried, with a white woman who has a child with him, my MIL actually tried to pass me off to a neighbour as the same woman DP had married years agao. the fact that i am twice as tall, half as wide and a totally different race to the other woman did not deter her, so great was her need to present the illusion of perfect DIL!!

I'm the product of Spanish Mum Pakistani dad.
I don't speak urdu and tourist spanish. Mum did the same things as you traditional dress, cooking and even went to Pakistan. But she never never changed religon or said she was anything other than Spanish. Over the years both families got use to him and her. Get the backing of your DH. Can't say she found it easy but they were together 45 years until he died at 71 years

You can see why wars are created in the name of religion! Good luck

Hi

You've done loads for your ils. What have they done to accommodate you.

And in your house your ils need to accept your ways and if it's jeans, it's jeans.

However, I'd be wary about trying to get your SIL on side. You'd probably be accused of 'corrupting' her. Quite honestly I think it would be better if they moved out so you could get on being the family you want to be in your own home.

Great that you do lots of things 'out of respect' - but its gotta be given back. My dh is from another country and I've done 15 years 'out of respect' - and it has gone unnoticed and I'm hoping that the next 15 years will be them doing things my way 'out of respect'.

I don't think that finding yourself again should be offensive to anyone.

Do you have to abandon your own religous and cultural beliefs to conform to another person's religion?

Sheepgirl

In my experience (and I'm from a mixed background) it's quite hard to find a balance.

My dad is white and my mum asian and I note that in terms of wider family he was far more accommodating of mum's family's 'ways' than they were of his. I find in my marriage my husband's culture dominates totally. But I'm working on changing that (wink)!!!!!

Halzer needs to work on hers pronto.

Totally sympathise....DH is Arabic and I'm English...theres been a lot of give and take from DH and I individually, but the family thing is a different matter.

My family were far more accomodating of DH than his family were of me. They initially thought I was some white western tart (before they even met me!!!)and they kept the marriage a secret from the rest of his family and I wasn't allowed to go home with him when he visited!!! It was hell!!

Its only through time and them meeting me a few times that has changed their opinion of me - but its hard work! I've had to read up on the Arabic culture and how I'm expected to behave when over there and I'm always mindful of that when at family gatherings...its paid off though and I wouldn't change having his family for the world now - I love them to bits!

Hi Halzer
I know how you feel as I too am in a mixed marriage. I do not have the pressures on me that you appear to have but I do understand them. I to have changed my life since i met my husband 15 years, i no longer drink at all and avoid eating meat that is not halal when pregnant or breastfeeding as we agreed that all our children would be muslim. Whilst i have not given up my own catholic heritage completely i no longer go to church other than for special occaisions. All this and more can add up to a feeling of being trapped and having given up much more than your partner, however when i get these feelings i try to think back to the reasons why i started down this road in the first place and that is that i have a great love and respect for my dh and these adjustments to my life were important to him personally as a practicing muslim and as he wanted me to be accepted within his family. To date this has sometimes worked and sometimes not but mainly i have been accepted and we have a 19mth old son and another on the way who is doted on by both sets of grandparents. I am writing this as i believe you must have been in the same situation in that you must have made a decision that the sacrifices you made were worthwhile at the time. What you need to be careful of now is that the adjustments you make are not taken for granted with the passage of time and that your husband understands the lengths that you are going to to accomadate him and his family. Whilst he will obviously not make the same concessions to you he may well be making up for it in other ways as my husband does.
I understand your concerns about the backlash and you may well be right. Can you discuss your concerns with your husband before you explode in an uncontrolled manner in an inappropriate way. As regards clothes i never wear eastern clothes but i am always careful that i dont wear anything innappropraite when going to inlaws - eg low tops or tight clingy clothes and this is accepted. Is there some help that your husband can give in explaining to his brother and his wife that he is happy with you wearing western clothes that are not revealing and that in his house they should accept it. In my experience if you have your husbands support and he makes this obvious to the rest of the family then this might help them accept that you are different but not a 'tart'.
Anyway good luck with your dilemma and i hope you manage to find a compromise before you explode.

Annieshaf

forgive my ignorance as I married into my own culture so did not have any of these problems, but I note the majority of people on this thread have had to conform to the muslim faith? I get the feeling that has stronger pull then other religions?

Hi Halzer,

My Dh is bengali and i would say pretty much non-practicing. i am also Muslim but again not massively practicing. I am from a mixed background anyway so can see this situation from a lot of points of view.

I think you need to speak to DH as suggested by other posters as he will need to support the way you dress etc when not in their company - is the BIL living with you a perm thing or just temp. In my opinion you have been more than accomodating..... my answer to everyone in DHs family who ever has anything to say about me these days is that I am not bengali and they cannot therefore judge me by bengali standards also explaining that being judgemental is not very Islamic and that it is Allah's job to judge not any mere mortal.

Had to just delete a lot of this post as I realised i turned it into a rant about ILs.

Having seen how my mums mixed marriage worked, i find it incredibly difficult when I have difficulties with DHs family.

Halzer, WHY?
my sitation similar to yours except that i'm from pakistan. and i didnt change my identity anywhere near as much as you seem to have done.
i wasiven a lot of grif for not being the perfect bengal dil. now eldest bil is living with, not legally married, but living with some girl who is a mix indian whit, carribean. and they treat her as their own daughte. she can do o wrong in their eyes. reallyreally gets my goat. but this woman is smart and cunning and manipulative. i wish i could learn someo f tht. but she has them eating out of her hands.
the more you change for someone, the worse they are to you. itwas a bad idea to ever change so much in the first place. but you must must mustbe true to y ourself, or you will find life very difficult.
i would recommend a good long sit down and think about where you want your life to head

ps, i;m sure ive seen ou on soe of the islamc discussions?

in islam, a muslim girl has to marry a muslim man, otherwise it is not legally a marriage
a muslim man can marry a christian or a jew, but the kdis must be brought up as muslims.
in practice, it is often a traditional thing rather than a relgious. for example, in my case, i had more grief because i was legally married and muslim, rather than elder bil girlfriedn

halzer, why did you change yourself so much?
did you have insecurites abut your own self worth? your own culture? your own upbringing?
why?
what abut your parents? and family? what did they think about this radical change in you? did they approve? or did they think you were kicking them in the teeth?
why?

I think a lot of non-Asian women change drastically in order to be accepted by their partners families. I have seen this many many times. It tends mainly to be because the families will not accept them as they are and expect them to be exactly how a DIL from their own culture would be.

Also, it is good intentions on the part of the DIL. Making an effort, making them all understand that they will be just as good for their sons as a bengali wife would be.

I was similar to this altho i am fiercly protective of my heritage so not to the degree that Halzer has gone to until I realised it would never be appreciated and then realised how nasty they could be.

I completely understand how it seems like a good idea at the time, I have now come to the conclusion that I am not bengali and therefore WILL NOT be judged by bengali standards.

Hi everyone,
I don't think that anyone should change their identity in order to marry the person you love. To all of you that you have change your ways/religion, taken to your DP culture, for them, Would they have done the same for you? I am not a religion person, but my culture is very important to me, and I would never change it. If my DH had asked me to change something for his family sake, I would have ask him is he was willing to do the same for my family sake? When I married my husband, I didn't change my surename, he didn't asked me to, and if he had, my answer would have been, if he was willing to take my surename as his. Some of my collegues at work, don't understand that I didn't want to take his surename, asking me if I was not proud to be part of my husband's family, and my answer was always, that I was proud, but I didn't need to loose my family name to show that.
We have to DD2 and they both have my husband's and my surename.