Anyone have to change their identity in order to marry their DH and now feel trapped?

[Halzer]

I think Im going to explode!!!
I have been with my Bengali DH since I was 16. We got married when I was 26 and Im now 31.. Im 3/4 white english and 1/4 carribean. However, due to some weird genes, I look arab/asian!

Anyway, when I married DH, he was the first bengali in his area to have a 'Love' marriage, and the first to marry a non-bengali. The pressure I had from my inlaws was intense. My friends disappeared as my life changed. I had to stop work and stay at my inlaws place.
My MIL wanted me to be the perfect 'bengali' daughter inlaw. I threw away all my english clothes and only wore sarees. I learnt to cook bengali food and speak the language.
My FIL wanted me to be muslim. I had to say I would or else we wouldnt have been able to marry. I have read the Quran in english, can read it in arabic and I know pretty much everything about the religion. Infact I think I read to much about it after I got married, as many things I have read contradict what people practice, and I personally dont believe that Islam is the ONE, if you see what I mean.
Since I moved from from my inlaws home, I started being me again. I wear jeans, dont cover my hair and just be 'normal. Recently my BIL, his wife and kids have come to live with us, as the inlaws places has become overcrowded. Now I feel like Im back to square one. I feel like I cant listen to music, and I feel concious infront of my SIL when I wear jeans, as they have some warped preception that jeans = tart!
Out of respect for my inlaws' I wear asian clothes and observe islamic customs when Im in their home, just to keep the peace.
I really want to come out and say that I just want to be me. All this pressure is getting to me, but if I say it the backlash will be so great that I will feel it forever...
I just feel trapped!

This is very interesting. To a far lesser extent when dh and I first got together I made quite a big effort with his mum's culture (I don't really class it as his culture as he doesn't and isn't interested) - trying to understand it, trying to wear Indian clothes to occasions, trying to learn a little of her language.

In retrospect I don't regret trying to understand her culture or learn a few words of her language as this has enriched my life BUT what I no longer try and do is try and be more 'Indian' . I am not Indian, she is not English. We shouldn't try and change to be something we aren't and I hope, accept each other as we are. I don't need to wear Indian clothes to weddings to be respectful of what is going on (although sometimes I might choose to - it just depends).

I wonder in this day and age where multiculturalism is (rightly or wrongly) seen as so important, whether they are paying any attention to respecting your culture? Perhaps you could introduce your dh's family to a few of your family's traditions to balance things out.

It just doesn't sound right to me that you are having to change so much.

I really do think if you don't redress the balance a bit you are storing trouble in the form of resentment, for the future.

I agree with others though - your dh's buy-in is crucial as otherwise it will drive a wedge between you.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Also, when you are in love, you do anything for the one you love.

Please lets not question her about insecurities and self worth.

I'm with mixedmamma on this one. I come from a mixed background and thought marrying someone from a different culture (not that different just a bit) would be a breeze. It's not and as my family didn't have the problems my dh and I have with his family - I really struggle to comprehend the issues.

I think that many cultures find it important to push their values. I think it's one thing to learn and respect another's culture but if you give up your own in favour of another it's rarely worth it as you're rarely considered 'one of them'.

Be yourself and be respectful. And ask the same in return.

Thankyou Creole..

When I saw the post implying that I was kicking my parents in the teeth, it did annoy me to the point of not wanting to reply anymore. My self worth...? Come on!

Anyway, thanks for all the support ladies. Since I started this post things have improved alot.

I spoke to my husband, who is naturally laid back, and I said that I feel like a fake and Im tired of feeling that I have to be something Im not. He said that he doesnt want me pretend and I can be how I like as long as I still respect his parents. Well thats no problem. His parents are going abraod again soon so it will give me more breathing space.
Even though my SIL is now here, I have gotten to know her more. I wear jeans and I was suprised to learn that she also wants to wear jeans, but...she doesnt want our MIL to say that she only started wearing jeans because she came to live with me, so my SIL will wait until she gets her own house so I wont get any blame. I thought that was nice of her to think of me in that way.

I did try to explain to her about religion but this was more difficult. She has strong beliefs. I tried to explain to her that I respect her beliefs but I cant believe in Islam as she does. She didnt really understand why, so I just left it by saying that its best if we dont discuss religion.

I feel much better now. Not so much of fake. Sure, when Eid comes I will wear a sari ( I actuallu quite like them..) and if my FIL/MIL are around I will wear a scarf out of respect, but otherwise I am going to be 'me'.

Thanks again for all the advice and support ladies. I feel better now that I have got things off my chest.

Hi Halzer,
Vey happy for the steps you have taken, and hopefully you will feel happier with the situation.
I was reading my post, and it might give an idea on how I am that it's not true. I truly respect what people do with their lives, and if a friend of mine decide to do something that I might not agree, I would support my friend, as it is her/his life not mine.
My sister's boyfriend is from a very different "culture/religion" that my family, but she is very happy with him, and the difference are not a problem for them, so they are not a problem for me, and I will support her in every thing she decides to do in her life, and if that was to marry into her boyfreind's religion, I will support her, as it's her life.

Halzer,

I am glad that things are better for you, it sounds like you are redressing the balance nicely and you seem to have a good relationship with your ILS from previous posts anyway.

Good for you Halzer.

Why on earth are your BIL and SIL living in yur house? That would be enough to drive anyone round the bend!

I really wonder why some people make it a point to change other people- they can't accept them for who they are.
IMO, too much adjustment only encourages them to take a mile when given an inch.
A close relative has been frozen out for more than 20 years by her ILs because she will not change her religion. it's not like she rubs anything in their face or that she makes them feel uncomfortable when they are around. it's like the change in religion will be the magic pill that will suddenly make them see her as a human being.
frankly, disgusting.

I think mixedmama has it right - you need to redress the balance. It's sad that you felt the need to change your identity, but you had your reasons at the time and you shouldn't feel bad for that. What's done is done, and people shouldn't underestimate the power of religion and/or in laws

My fiance's family are Hindu/Bengali, but not devout (my fiance is an atheist, like me) and quite enlightened so I've never felt the need to be anything other than myself. But I'm one of the lucky ones, I know.

what does your dh think about you becoming muslim, changing who you are to fit in? i mean, what does he think about you not being the person he fell in love with? does he not miss that person? you are not the person he fell in love with if you are not yourself.

This is a three year old thread guys. I wonder what happened to the OP though and whether she sorted things out?

Woah! I have neglected my Mumsnet duties and havent been on here for ages.When I read my OP now it seems like that was a lifetime ago!

Since my last post 3 years ago, I visited Bangladesh for a month with the kids. I came back looking like a skeleton as I didnt likw the food, but otherwise, we had a good time.

My sis inlaw and her family have now moved out of my home so its back to the 4 of us now.
My daughter is now in the Brownies so I meet up with English mums more frequently so I have a good balance of east and west socially.

Thanks for the 'wondering thought' Gleegeekgleek,

Yay.. glad it has all fallen into place for you Halzer.

Well don you halzer.

My parents are enlgish asian mix and they are very old now. There were zero cultural issues (we believe that the biggest cultural diference are between male and female).

I'm middle aged and married to a another european from another eu country and the cultural divide is enormous.