to think that MIL can't s*** on my family and then make a printed announce to the world claiming herself as a victim?

[Isababel]

It's been a long time since I don't complain wholeheartedly about my MIL, but as a background.... she ruined my wedding by having a go at me because I had covered her in shame for not agreeing to her every whim about how SHE wanted the day to be(regardless of us paying to feed HER 70 personal guests a seven course dinner).
She humilliated me at any visit we paid her saying charming things that went from constantly comparing me with DH's ex (in public) or asking me to pretend to be Spanish as she was embarrased of my Latin American origin. Last time we stayed at her house I ended up locking myself and my baby in the bathroom while she banged the door and yelled claiming I was the mother of all her misfortunes. She asked DH to choose between her and me before leaving the house on that day. Apart from other little charms not worth mentioning here

In the last few years, I have tried to pretend these horrible things didn't happen, we have visited her when we are in Spain, but she blames the distance between DS and her on me. She has forgot to notice that being a family, trips are more expensive and therefore spaced between them. She is totally oblivious to the problems she has caused, she doesn't follow any rules, "I may be the mother but she has the experiences" she says, even if that means feeding DS things he is severely allergic to. However, during all these years she has been telling anyone who wants to hear it that I am blocking her from seeing her grandchild.

So... the thing is... she is having a solo exhibition (she is a painter) and has decided to add an ego trip as a preface of the exhibition catalogue, which includes a photo of DS with the words "The grandchild I do not know" under it. How dare she??? she has made everything possible to ruin our marriage, she doesn't follow advice to keep DS safe. She doesn't understand that we are no longer in a economical position to visit her ever 6 weeks, but worse than all, she fails to accept that she is the main person to blame for such distance, nobody wants to spend days with a person who keep yelling at her son, humilliating her DIL and risking her granchild's life in the process.

How does she expect us to be happy to show up at family gatherings when the rest of the family have only heard her version of the events? we can not even pretend these things have not happened even for her own sake.

So... am I unreasonable to feel like erradicating her prescence from my house, from the family albums to the her leftover paintings. I don't want anything, ANYTHING to remind me about her!

Am I unreasonable for this?

A bit of an update, I went to bed sobbing yesterday night convinced it is about time to gather some courage and take the big step. DH asked if I wanted to talk, I asked him the same question, he only kept reading his book as an answer.

This morning we talked to each other, he said he would be ready to keep his mum at bay if our marriage was in better condition, but considering the things he didn't considered it worth it. I pointed out that every time things seem to be getting better, something happens with his mum and we are back to square one. He didn't seem very convinced the marriage is worth saving, he wanted to think about it.

At the end, we agreed that we would put more in our part to make things better, my only condition is for MIL to get out of the way. He obviously can continue seeing her and whatever he wants but we are not going to be part of it. However, if he finds this unfair, he is welcome to leave, as he can not keep expecting me to put up with her attitude.

So, what happens next, I don't know, although I'm paying a visit to CAB tomorrow anyway just in case.

Good for you and I'm glad your dh is talking at least.

Good idea to see the CAB, knowledge is power. You don't have to put up with this crap and you shouldn't have to. If your dh wants to put his mother before you or his son that is his choice, it is not a choice you have to make. Best of luck.

Thank you Rhubarb, you are right, knowledge is power.

If my situation (£) is as bad as I expect, I better start doing something about it sooner (like now) than later. Because if it happens again... (and someway I'm sure it will at some point) that will be the end of it, whatever the consequences.

Well done for taking some action and I think that you and DS not seeing her is the right thing to do. She already says that she doesn't see DG so it should not be anything new to her.

These MILs have a strong influence over their DSs, and though it prob feels like he has been crap at supporting you, don't forget this has been taught to DH over many years of growing up and he is never going to be in a good position.

It sounds like you have been nothing but respectful to her - arranging to visit her even though she has been a cow, for DS and DH sake. She has taken advantage of you and you are doing the right thing.

Do let us know how you get on. Continue to be strong. You are the better person by far and others will see that by your actions. Your dh is a fool if he cannot see the gift he has in front of him. But your ds has a chance to break away from these destructive family ties, so don't be afraid of making that leap. Once your dh's family have consumed themselves in a pit of fury and destruction, you and your ds will be left standing, heads held high.

I will. Thank you

Isababel - Just wanted to say i feel your pain. i was going to compare my MIl to yours then i realised i would just rant on and on so just wanted to say you are not alone.

OK, here's the update...

She is back...

The phone rang several times yesterday and everytime I picked it up there was silence before "they" hanged up. Anyways, last time DH pick it up and there she was.

They have not spoken at all since the catalogue thing. But if you have heard DH yesterday you would have swear that instead of getting that rubish she had sent a gift for DS. He didn't even asked why she hanged up the previous times, forget about the catalogue, he was so sweet to her it was discusting. No wonder she blames the problem on me, how is she meant to understand her behaviour is unacceptable if he just acts normal and then just doesn't show up?

We had a conversation afterwards and he clearly can not understand any longer why I was annoyed at the catalogue thing. He says that he is sorting the problem by not discussing the problems (he doesn't really want to annoy her so we better come to terms with it ourselves! )

So... I have shown him this thread, he seems to start grasping the idea (for the second time) that what she did was out of order but I'm seeing here the same pattern "realise, keep quiet, and forget about it, then be surprised when the topic is touched again" so... I have told him that if I get the job I have applied for, that's it.

To add a surrealist tone to the conversation, he came and gave me a heartfelt hug (REALLY!) and thanked me for saying that the reason I have not packed his bags yet is because I'm a bloody idiot thinking about how he will cope if there is only one salary rather than thinking of myself first and leave his bags out of the house. WTF? YEah I care for him... but can't he see the main issue in the conversation was that I was asking him to leave?

Groundhog's day...

Mixedmama, I have just seen your post. I'm sorry to hear you are having problems with your MIL too.

I don't think many people who saw the exhibition will think 'oh, poor MIL, her DIL must be a cow'. If they think about it at all they will question whether MIL dug her own grave.

Good luck with dh, I think you are doing the right things.

Fucking lunatic
(Am I write in thinkig you are Ch---ra?)

Oui, C'est moi.

isababel ... ((((hugs))))

You are being incredibly courageous. Rhubarb puts it so well - you are a gift and your dh would do well to recognise that before it is too late .

Good luck with the job interview. We are all right behind you and will give you all the help we can albeit via the computer!

You and ds deserve better than this. Hold on to that thought.

Thank you

I feel a bit numb about the subject, I'm not as sad as I was last time, I can not say I don't care as I'm still scared about taking the step, but there's no hope, is it? What am I saying??? as if 10 years of marriage had not shown so many times that things are not going to change.

Is the most difficult part of divorce taking the decision of when to split?