to think that MIL can't s*** on my family and then make a printed announce to the world claiming herself as a victim?

[Isababel]

It's been a long time since I don't complain wholeheartedly about my MIL, but as a background.... she ruined my wedding by having a go at me because I had covered her in shame for not agreeing to her every whim about how SHE wanted the day to be(regardless of us paying to feed HER 70 personal guests a seven course dinner).
She humilliated me at any visit we paid her saying charming things that went from constantly comparing me with DH's ex (in public) or asking me to pretend to be Spanish as she was embarrased of my Latin American origin. Last time we stayed at her house I ended up locking myself and my baby in the bathroom while she banged the door and yelled claiming I was the mother of all her misfortunes. She asked DH to choose between her and me before leaving the house on that day. Apart from other little charms not worth mentioning here

In the last few years, I have tried to pretend these horrible things didn't happen, we have visited her when we are in Spain, but she blames the distance between DS and her on me. She has forgot to notice that being a family, trips are more expensive and therefore spaced between them. She is totally oblivious to the problems she has caused, she doesn't follow any rules, "I may be the mother but she has the experiences" she says, even if that means feeding DS things he is severely allergic to. However, during all these years she has been telling anyone who wants to hear it that I am blocking her from seeing her grandchild.

So... the thing is... she is having a solo exhibition (she is a painter) and has decided to add an ego trip as a preface of the exhibition catalogue, which includes a photo of DS with the words "The grandchild I do not know" under it. How dare she??? she has made everything possible to ruin our marriage, she doesn't follow advice to keep DS safe. She doesn't understand that we are no longer in a economical position to visit her ever 6 weeks, but worse than all, she fails to accept that she is the main person to blame for such distance, nobody wants to spend days with a person who keep yelling at her son, humilliating her DIL and risking her granchild's life in the process.

How does she expect us to be happy to show up at family gatherings when the rest of the family have only heard her version of the events? we can not even pretend these things have not happened even for her own sake.

So... am I unreasonable to feel like erradicating her prescence from my house, from the family albums to the her leftover paintings. I don't want anything, ANYTHING to remind me about her!

Am I unreasonable for this?

Oh gosh Miaou, I'm in tears now!

Thank you. Could you believe I'm still here? I thought DH will put more of an effort after the problems at the beginning of the year. He thinks he is doing a lot but obviously.. not enough.

NAB3 and Stitch, thank you. I'm not quite sure about being able to ignore her when she takes the time to "update" us on her acts. But I totally agree about being a granny not being a guarantee for access, especially if you act in such way.

I don't think I'm the only one having a bad time because of the catalogue, as I said she loves to play the victim and she also put a nasty thing about her stepmum that I'm sure should have her sisters, and the woman who raised her seething.

Custardo, someway I'm preparing for that to happen, to be kissed good bye, I mean.

my nan always told me that my loyalty was to my family - my family being my husband and my children.

this relationship and that with the wider family can be confusing and loyalties can be mixed up, this i understand i love my nan very much and i was severely torn as to where my first loyalties lay when i was first married. esp since dh was much of an arse at that time.

i am glad i had her to say these wise words to me.

i am truly sorry that you feel your dh would chose his mother over his wife and child.

Sounds like my mother. She has recently asked for a photo of my two kids together so she can frame it, no doubt to show visitors the grandkids she never sees. She forgets that this is her choice, she was the one who chose, still chooses, to treat me very very badly. To tell lies, to put her husband before her kids, to find negatives in everything, to constantly stir trouble and somehow get kicks from other peoples tragedies.

I have not cut myself or my kids off from here. She is not welcome to our house, but I do telephone on birthdays etc and she is welcome to telephone anytime, she can speak to the kids anytime but she never asks too, she never asks how they are or what they are doing, yet she tells everyone else that she dotes on them and is gutted that she is not "allowed" to see them. She has turned my own brothers against me with her lies.

Yet I am the bigger, stronger, person. As are you. She is doing this for a reaction, don't give her the satisfaction of getting one. Ignore it. Those people who believe her every word are not important to you, they mean nothing to you. You have a wonderful family, concentrate on them. Be honest with your kids when they ask questions, but never criticise her in front of them. Ultimately people are judged by their actions, her actions are those of a spiteful, racist, hateful and sad old woman. Yours are of a patient, kind, loving and generous mother and wife.

Tell your dh how hurt you are but also tell him that you plan no retaliation, you will keep communications open and will not change who you are. He will respect you all the more. He is in a difficult position but ultimately his loyalty must lie with you, his wife and the mother of his children.

I wish you the very best of luck and strength. You are a wonderful person for putting up with this for so long. You are worth a million of what she is. Don't forget that. Your children will learn from you, the best.

It is not a secret that there have always been 3 women in this marriage, and unfortunately, just at very few ocassions I have felt like woman number one (while DH was very unhappy at having her mum annoyed). I'm feeling a low fourth at the moment. TBH I really feel like the one in the middle. I know I should make myself scarce for my own good but I'm such a coward to set the ball rolling.

My grammer is shit in that post, my apologies for that.

I read about your dh's response. Under the circumstances you have done all you can and more besides to keep the peace. You have been a saint.

I would still tell him that you plan no retaliations, her actions speak volumes and it sounds as though other people know what she is like and will see through her spite. You are not the only one being targeted in this way. However he chose to marry you, he effectively chose you above her on your wedding day. He must stand by that and give you his support and his loyalty. If that is not forthcoming then he is not a good example to your children. I would suggest he thinks long and hard about who he sides with, the nasty witch who has targeted and hurt a lot of innocent people, including his own children who have been used as pawns in an adult mind game, or his loving and level-headed wife. If he chooses his mother, perhaps he should go back to his mother. You'd be better off without.

rhubarb, you talk a lot of sense

My heart goes out to you. I would start to put some of your energy into protecting yourself. No matter how many times you give her the opportunity to be a decent grandmother and a normal person, she will not react or respond to it, so while I applaud and respect the motives behind you trying to keep her in your child's life, you are pushing water uphill.

Very very cheap of her to use her grandchild to potentially make money. Get legal advice, or (nasty thought) print off rebuttals and get them leafleted outside the exhibition (I am sure this could be libel so please don't take me literally!)

Sending you a big hug

Ah but as the children get older and they start to question, who will come out as the better person do you think? Who will earn their respect?

Don't react, she is waiting for that. Don't give her that satisfaction. Your dh is a fool not to give you support. He'd never, in a million years, find anyone else who has been as patient and forgiving as you, never.

I'll bet you a million dollars that if you left him tomorrow, he'd be on his hands and knees begging for you to return by next week.

Thank you for taking the time to write that Rhubarb. I wish I could be as good as you are, I really mean it.

I don't know where to get more patience from. DH seems to be here just for the sake of DS, so I guess that the best bet is to ignore her although that wouldn't necesarily mean the things will be fine between DH and me. At the end of the day she may be a frigging lunatic stationed in a Spanish island, but it is the attitude of DH towards this problem that really gets to me.

He thinks he is doing a lot but as he feels somewhat resentful about it, I really don't feel as if he is doing it out of loyalty to me, it is more about keeping the marriage in place for the sake of DS. A motive I understand very well.

Might be a silly question but why do you arrange to go to her house when she is such a witch to you?

Then I would make my feelings very clear to your dh.

I think you need outside help, like Relate, to address this problem. Some men need telling from other sources that they are being unreasonable, because when you say it you're just nagging. For your ds's sake I would try Relate. If that doesn't work he doesn't deserve you. I guess his mother raised him to be just like her.

Hope he realises what is at stake here and pulls his act together. Don't stay for the sake of your ds, kids know when something is wrong. Happy parents make happy kids and if you are not happy, your ds will pick up on this. Also, your dh is a crap example to him. Don't sacrifice your happiness, it doesn't do anyone any good and you won't be thanked for it later in life.

Because I thought that was the right thing to do, for the sake of Dh, for the sake of DS, and even for me (forgive and forget and and all that) although it's hurting too much.

I think you are stretching the forgiveness thing a little.

No-one respects a doormat. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you can forgive and still be a strong person making tough decisions. Forgive your dh and his mother by all means, but don't allow them to screw you over time and time again. I don't allow my mother that priviledge.

Rhubarb, we have had already 3 rounds of counseling with Relate, the problem always comeback. Everyone of their good friends have spoken to him about how unreasonable the inlaws are, he agrees with them and forgets what was the thing about in a couple of months time.

I think it is time to pay a visit to the CAB

I think he is being very weak. Siding with both his mother and you to keep the peace. tbh most men are like this, my dh hates confrontations and even now, even though he knows what my mother has done, he still sometimes tells me that I'm in the wrong on certain aspects. However I soon refresh his memory, but her recent actions have hardened even his stance.

Boys have this relationship with their mums that is very hard to break. Must be hard for him to accept that this person is his mother. She obviously has a very strong hold over him too.

I think he needs separate counselling to deal with his feelings towards his mother. But in the meantime you cannot punish yourself for his sake. Perhaps once he knows you mean business he'll change his tune. I would demand that he go for separate counselling or you walk. He'll call your bluff so be prepared to pack his bags for him. Call it a trial separation if you like, time for him to ponder on his loyalties.

I know a few women who, once they've given their dh's the shock of leaving them, or packing their bags, have seen their dh's do an about turn. It's a good wake up call, one to be used in emergencies, and I think yours constitutes an emergency.

Let us know how you get on.

Isababel, I agree with Rhubarb, your dh needs to know he cannot let you feel so badly. I nearly left my dh b/c of his behaviour and it was the realisation that I truly was going to go and take the kids away that brought him to himself, something I do not believe counselling wou;ld have acheived b/c he would have got to be the victim. Things are better for us and I think they can be for you, but you have to be strong. We only get one crack at life and your ds is only going to have one childhood and you cannot waste time allowing others to make you miserable.

As for your mil, I believe you can cut her out of your life quite happily. My real mil is very bit as toxic as yours (she told us via my bil to 'piss off' when we needed vital medical info for dd1) but dh cut her out of his life before we met so I have neevr had to deal with her directly. I do not believe our dcs suffer in the least for it. I saw my cousin fight for years to get her mil to accept her and she put her dcs through the agony of seeing the woman - so not worth it.

Practically, is the exhibition in the UK or Spain? If the UK then I expect she is in breech of the Data Protection Act or somesuch. I don't know if this exists in Spain but it might be worth talking to someone there.

My feeling is that your mil is a very sad and disturbed person. You can make peace with her in your head and your heart but her behaviour isn't going to change, and I really think you will only be at peace once you no longer have to deal with her.

You also have to ask yourself, do you want to have anything to do with a man who not only puts his mother before his wife, but also his son's safely and wellbeing?

I would not cut her out completely, your son needs to know about his relations no matter how painful that may be. But you have to protect yourself and your son. Your dh doesn't even come into that, he's more of a threat right now tbh. Your son's welfare is your priority.

I have been in tears at reading your posts Rhubarb, not so because all your good advice but because I have been there doing that and still the thing comes back. The thing is I know very well what is the last thing left to do, I already packed my bags and got myself an interview back at my country. Things look for a while as if they would get better but we are at it again.

I have not left yet out of pure cowardice, I'm afraid to raise a child alone, I'm afraid about the implications of custody, I'm afraid about not being able to survive in a salary that is already quite low even before considering that I only work part time. I'm afraid of DS being sad for not having his father around, or to change all his existance for this. I'm afraid of being alone on my own as all my family and most of my friends are back in my country (and family won't contemplate the idea of providing any moral support if I decide to leave DH, they have been clear about that). But I know this problem will keep coming back if I stay, it is a no brainer, this has no hope. It is only diying a long and painful death.

I know, sweetheart, I know, I had exactly the same thoughts as you about custody, access visits, and above all how my dcs would be w/out their daddy every day. In teh end I decided they needed a well and ahppy mummy, and they needed to grow up in a house that doesn't feel weighed down with bitterness.

Apologies Trinity, crossposted. I feel like putting all you have wrote in an e-mail send it to DH. Obviously I can't do that but thank you, Your comments are spot on.

The exhibition is in Spain, someway I don't think they do care much over there about publishing photographies of children without the consent of their parents. And TBH, if I can't even get DH to understand why I am so annoyed, I have not much hope for anyone else to pay attention to it. Now, if the woman think I will be sending more photographs of her GS after this, she is out of her mind! I shot the picture od DS that she put in the catalogue.

I know you are right Trinity. I have always said that, that it is better for children to grow with separated parents than with a couple having a go at each other all the time. I just need to build the courage to do it.

Isababel, this sounds just terrible and I really hope that things work out for you.

Your son will grow up and see his grandmother for who she really is.

My grandmother was pretty awful to my mother (her own daughter!) and tired to 'divide and conquer' the grandchildren. The result has been at best that her grandchildren think she's a silly old woman and won't have much to do with her, and at worst some of her grandchildren now refuse to acknowledge her at all.

I don't think arguments matter so much, it is what lies behind them. If the bitterness lingers on between rows, that is where you have the problem.

You have the strength, you just need to know when you are ready.

at the photo.

Your son needs a happy mother. Right now he is being influenced by a weak father and an unhappy mother. I really do think he will be better off with a happy mother. In time, you may even find someone else who will give you the respect you so dearly deserve and be a good role-model for your son. You'll never know unless you try.

Lots of Mumsnetters are single mums who don't live near families. You could start a thread in the Lone Parents section and ask them for advice. I'll bet most of them say that they do not regret the choice they made.

Yes it will be hard, but you will not suffer anymore heartbreak than you are already suffering. You deserve the chance of happiness, and in this situation that chance will not come. You need to break away from this very negative situation and start afresh. Your son will one day understand. You are not taking him away from his father, you are giving him the chance to grow into a decent human being.