"Of course he's my son!"

[Holymoly321]

Got the first comment today about my DS . I'm mixed race and DH is white. Our beautiful DS is very very pale - in fact he looks pretty much white. I was out shopping today when an assistant asked if he was mine. 'Of course he's mine' I said. "How does that work then?" was the reply. "His father's white" I said. "Oh, I see". This is the first time this has happened and I really hope it isn't an example of things to come. I want people to know my son is MY son.

So shocked and angry at what people have said to all of you. Unbelieveable. My god, flutterbee, I don't know what I would have done in your situation. I dread to think what dp would have done, probably not been as adult as your dh was. We have not had anything said quite as shocking and upsetting (yet) but no doubt it will happen one day.
What do you think will be the effect on your kids as they get older? That is what I worry about a lot. I can take the 'jokes' about paternity etc but how is my ds going to feel when people tell him his dad can't be his dad? (ds has straight blonde hair and dp is black). Dp's niece is very light skinned and we had a long chat over Xmas about how hard it had been for her sometimes. Her school once called the police when her dad went to pick her up, saying she was being abducted by a black man. That is obviously an extreme incident but what about the constant 'drip, drip' effect of people 'joking' about it? Will my son feel mixed race? Will he feel he doesn't 'belong' properly to his dad, not like his sister does (she much more mixed race looking than him). I do think about it a lot and worry about how to react when people say things. I don't want him to get a complex about it if I make a big deal out of it but I also don't want the opposite to happen - for him to feel that we don't notice what people say. Oh god, not making much sense here, hands freezing off in this cold, cold house. What do you all reckon?

it happens to everyone I guess. I've been asked if I'm childminding, or soem are less direct and say they've got a nice tan while waiting for an explanation. I got an evil last time someone said that and I jsut said yes and walked off! I feel like saying, yes I send them to the solarium.

Smiling, dont let anyone get u down and dont worry what they say either. Im indian and fairly dark my dh is very very white (Even for an enlishman) and ds looks exactly like hi. After ds was born dh went home to rest and the new shift of nurses came on, one even said to my ds that " ...yes she is your mum" like she wasnt sure i was??? People are nosey and rude, but you need to toughen up a bit, cause you will go through life arguing with and getting upset with everybody. Sorry if im being blunt, but wish you all the best.

I surpose it makes a difference where you live, I live in kent and it is deferinly a lot more mutlicutural then it use to be and people are generally much better I think some ignorant people find it harder to cope with children that are from couples where one is mixed race and the other white as they do tend to have totally different colouring but these are people that like to put people into pigeon holes and anything that comes out of their mouths are not worth listening to. i know with my little girl their all very jealous as she has big blue eyes and blonde hair but it is so beautifully curly she's gorgeous and unlike me who has very celtic looks (ie I glow in the dark) she'll tan beautifully in the summer. She knows who her parents are and thats all that matters really.

I'm Latinamerican, Dh is Italian. Once in Italy with DS someone asked where the daddy was from (he was not present) I answered, and then this person said "And where is the mummy now?". I said "HERE. I AM the mummy". I felt bad. The idiot was really amazed.

We have 2 adopted children (both SE Asian) and we have got some humdingers of comments!!! My favourite (!) being "what is he?" my response was "a baby!!". ALso people wanted to know if they were going to keep their language?!! (ds was 11 mths and dd 3 mths at adoption!!!) People are always asking "are they yours?" but the one I find most hurtful is when people refer to their "real parents". It's much nicer to call them birth parents.

i had a bit of an opposite reaction, i was at toddler group and there was a white lady with an asian looking girl. the girl was near the lady so i asked is that your duaghter, to which she replied, 'how can she be my duaghter?'. It turned out that she was the childminder.

If it's any consolation, that type of reaction is not necessarily race-related. DH and I are both European, but while I have dark hair, DD is very blond. I get that "Are you the nanny?" comment from time to time as well

I am horrified by all these postings but (despite the fact that I almost wish I was on my own) am glad I'm not the only person it happens to.

I have twin dd's and they both have 'interesting' colouring. The darker skinned of the two (very light brown) has red hair (like her dad) and dd2 is pale with brown hair.

I have had just about everything said and done to me (or so it feels), I am black. I've been asked by a spotty 16 year old oike on the checkout "so where are your genes then?" like a previous poster, this was about 2 weeks after giving birth and it took all my strength not to burst into tears. I regularly am asked if I'm the child minder/ baby sitter... whatever, I've been berated on sunny days by morons who seem to assume that my children are not protected from teh sun and give me a lecture about protecting their skin and covering them up (often in quite aggresive terms) and all this from all races white, black and asian.

It is just morons of all types. I still am horribly offended by it (my daughters are 3 and a half).

I still don't deal with it particularly well because I am so offended, I try really hard not to be but it's just not that simple.

I know no solutions and I don't even have witty retorts (of the kind you wish you'd thought of before the situation was over and done with). On the other hand thank you mnetters, I don't feel alone anymore

Smiling don't you worry, when your darling son gazes at you with those 'you're my mummy and you're perfect eyes' there'll be no doubt who his mummy is, and for those who are so emotionally crippled that they can't notice the googoo eyes that a baby saves for his/her mummy well thats their loss surely?!

My ds is the image of his dad but with a complexion closer to mine. (dh is north african-dark tanned complexion, black hair, and hazel eyes, I'm whiter than white with light brown hair and green-blue eyes).

The only comment i've ever had was 'has he got a tan or a touch of jaundice?' I just turned around and said 'neither his dads arab!' The ignoramus shut up.

In all honesty it doesn't worry me at all, my son is loved, happy and will be raised to understand that ethnic diversity, mutual respect and understanding are fundamental to a healthy society.

One of the mums at schol has been making pointed remarks and asking questions about ds2's paternity - behind my back. Dh and I are both white, but ds2 looks mixed-race. He is, however the perfect spit of both of us, which she'd realise if she ever paid any attention. Frankly, I think she's just a silly cow and not worth getting upset over.

What I do find quite funny, though, is that people assume that ds2 has inherited his dark skin and speedy tanning from me, because I'm Jewish, whereas he has in fact got exactly his dad's skin tone. And his dad is a white and British as they come!

People are ignorant. I'm sure that a lot of these comments are out of curiousity, without any incling that such questions/statements can upset. Though I do think it utterly - and obviously - rude to query a child's parenthood.

people are ignorant of genetics. Sorry you had to put up with it!

People can be so horible my dh is black jamaican but is re skinned and quite dark we had our first child 20m ago and our ds is olive skinned with brown hair and soft large curls, i am blonde and pale skinned so even tho my ds looks spitting image of his dad but v light. i have lost count of the times i have heard he is really light and is his dad mixed race.

We just had our second child a girl 11w ago now and she is much darker with black hair typical mixed race looking and i have had comments from mums at school 'Maybe she will get lighter!!' what the f*k!!

The only person to not ever comment on their colouring is my grandparents who are very elderly.

I also had the other day from a old friend who i saw in the bank 'Their very dark your kids - what are they?' i just said do you mean where is their dad from? i replied hes jamaican.

I have three blond children and neither my exhusband nor I are blonde. people do seem to think they should comment and interfere, although I can't remember it happening much.

It may depend where you live. There are absolutely masses of mixed race children near here in this bit of London and I am sure most people don't give it a second's thought. There's one boy with a blonde mother and tight blonde affro curls such a gorgeous combination.

My twins who are both white look so different I've had people at creches not even realising they were siblings.

Havent read whole thread but on the breastfeeding thing, I had a hilarious thing with my friend when our little ones were babies. She's black with a white DH and her son is very white, with blonde hair; I'm blonde with a brown-skinned, dark-haired mixed-race daughter. You guessed it - someone actually asked if we were breastfeeding each other's babies!!! I have to say we laughed ourselves stupid.

I get the 'Are they yours?' and 'Are you the nanny?' stuff all the time - used to give me a pang, not so much now but I'm afraid I am still always glad when the girls call me mummy within people's earshot. Worse for my friend who now has one white and one brown baby - she has actually been challenged about them by strangers, which is very upsetting.

Mum2Boys3 - I get that 'Where's their dad from?' stuff too, which I always hesitate over because the true answer is 'Tooting' but I know that won't satisfy! His mum is, and his late dad was, Jamaican - do I answer their question literally, or go into family history with passing strangers?!

There is also a very definite lingering assumption that you are a single mum ... oh, the awful stereotyping of black men ... When DD1 was very young, a black man asked me 'Is the dad still around?' - it took me a while to realise what he meant but he actually went on to say a load of stuff about 'Well you make sure he sticks by you' etc etc - for goodness sake I wear a wedding ring and have been with their dad for a decade

Oh and on the geographic differences: all the above occurred in central London.

I'm Native American and very tan and my husband is a very fair Scotsman. Our son resembles both of us. I have very dark eyes, my husband has blue eyes and our son has greenish/brown eyes. My husband has light brown hair, I have black hair, and our son has dark brown hair. Everywhere we go, we are told how beautiful our son is by a few people of all ethnicities. His complexion is not fair, but a lot fairer than mine. When he is with my husband, no one asks if he is multi-racial, but when I am with him people ask if his father is white. This is really annoying to me. I am used to getting stared at constantly because I am the only tan person for blocks in my neighborhood and it did not bother me much in the past, now that I have a child and I get asked really stupid questions about his ethnic background, I have become extremely sensitive about being starred at and I automatically assume it is negative. What bother's me the most is that I am worried my son may experience that and develop a chip himself. What do you do to cope with stares if you get them? Is anyone else here living in a community where you stand out? Do any of you purposely visit multi-racial areas so that your child can identify with kids there? I am worried about my son not identifying with children here because he does look unique. Most babies here are blonde and blue eyed and my baby stands out here too.

and at "how does that work then?" Stupid woman! You should have directed her to the children's library section on human reproduction, Smiling!!

Please try to ignore those who have such tiny, closed minds.

Poor you, it's really irritating and sometimes you won't care and sometimes it will really annoy you. You never get used to it, just some days you don't mind and some you do .

I'm white, dp black and our son has straight blond hair exactly like mine and golden skin. He is gorgeous (surfer dude all year round) but it does get on my nerves when everyone says what a great tan he has - like I put him under a sunbed or something. I always say he's mixed race and there is a mixture of reactions; awe, shock, embarrassment, admiration - all of which floats over ds's 4 year old head entirely. Worry a bit about it becoming an issue later but what can you do?

How very rude. I think you just have to write off these comments as the result of ignorance, sadly. But for heaven's sake, it's hardly unusual to see mixed race families these days, you'd think most people would be a little less obnoxious.

I think if people just got the message that mixing genes does NOT work the same as mixing up poster paint, there would be a lot fewer daft comments floating around.

DH and I are about as vanilla Anglo-Celt as they come, we still get 'where does the hair come from?' with very blonde DD - both of us actually, poor kid'll be mousey by the time she's twelve!

I would say no I brought him from woolworths!

How thick/rude can people be.

that is just incredibly rude.
i always joke and say we got our children from the car boot, but that is only to them and they know we are kidding.

I am asian and dh is white. Our children have dark hair and beautiful deep dark eyes but very pale skin. The are both stunning but Yes I admit I get stared at in the supermarket when they hug and kiss me as I am really a lot darker than them. Doesnt bother me any though.
I think the icing on the cake is when they see my dh (who is 9 years older than me) you can just see they are thinking.....

where did he 'buy' her from I wonder.....

Hilarious..we do joke about it and I certainly dont take it to heart.

I hope it's not aways considered offensive to be curious about genetics! I always find it very interesting about how kids turn out. My two olive skinned dark haired friends with very jewish features had two bright white pale, bright ginger haired kids. Why is it considered rude to be interested in this? I do think it's pretty insulting to start making comments about how many dads are involved or to be so daft that you don't realise a dark dad can have a pale kid but ofetn it's a matter of interest how kids turn out; it isn't always rascist. My son is very olive skinned with very dark eyes and black hair kind of italian looking and Dh and I are pretty pale in skin and hair, but i just look puzzled when folks comment on it and say "Yeah, it is wierd because I only ever slept with that Italian guy the once"

What's very interesting about this thread is what happens to black parents of fair skinned children.

They are automatically assumed to be childminders .. but black children of a white parent are not.

Why do you think this is? Is it because people believe that a darker skin tone is not so easily diluted (which I used to think, to be fair), or is it an example of prejudice?

To change the mixed race subject, slightly, my dh has four grown up children from his previous marriage. They all have the same parentage, and they all look completely different. There are thin ones, fat ones, dark haired brown eyed ones and blue-eyed blonds.

Hmmm, a very interesting thread, smiling.