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Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

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Original poster

"Of course he's my son!"

100 replies

Holymoly321 · 23/11/2005 20:47

Got the first comment today about my DS . I'm mixed race and DH is white. Our beautiful DS is very very pale - in fact he looks pretty much white. I was out shopping today when an assistant asked if he was mine. 'Of course he's mine' I said. "How does that work then?" was the reply. "His father's white" I said. "Oh, I see". This is the first time this has happened and I really hope it isn't an example of things to come. I want people to know my son is MY son.

OP posts:

flutterbeedreaminofawhitexmas · 03/12/2005 17:00

My DS is 3 weeks old and still a bit pale for a mixed race baby on a recent shopping trip he was crying and wouldn't settle a lady came over and said aaahhhh I bet he want's his Daddy my DH was stood right next to me so I said well his daddy is here so it can't be that she looked stunned (DH is black) and said maybe Daddy should get a paternity test done as he doesn't look much like him. I promptly stormed off to stop myself punching the stupid bitch DH just stood there shocked and calmly said to her well your the first to say that because if you ignore skin colour he actually is my spitting image (he really is everyone tells us this) the lady obviously embarressed walked off, I was sooooooo proud of my DH

frogs · 03/12/2005 17:13

I think people make comments about similarity/dissimilarity on the basis of colouring more than any other feature. People are always saying that my dd1 and ds look alike, when they really don't except for having similar dark blonde hair.

Dd1 is the spitting image of me; ds looks very like his dad but because of the difference in colouring (dh has black hair and slightly olive skin) very few people pick up on that, whereas people regularly stop us in the street to make inane comments about similar dd1 and I look.

hercules · 03/12/2005 17:18

I had this but about my husband! I was talking to a woman recently who turns out to live round the corner from me. I described where my house was and she asked me what happened to the man that used to live there.I replied that we were the first to live there as the house was new but she insisted there was someone living there before us. In fact, she said he always used to say hello to her.

Her face as the realisation struck her that this asian man was my husband was quite funny!

PantomimEDAMe · 03/12/2005 17:35

I think it's true about colouring being what people focus on. Had the odd comment where people have been surprised ds is mine if they see us without dh - and it's not even about skin colour because we are all white (and very pale skin to boot). Just that ds has flaxen hair and blue eyes while I've got very dark brown hair and brown eyes. I'm sure it is of a far more irritating order if you are a mixed-race family, but people can be very daft even if you aren't IYSWIM.

Even when we are with dh people have asked me accusingly where ds gets his hair from and I'm always tempted to say 'the milkman'! It's blindingly obvious that dh has the sort of mousy brown hair that was blond when he was a child... (hoping ds takes after his aunt and keeps his blond hair).

vitomum · 03/12/2005 18:16

my friend has two goregeous dds with bright red hair. Often when we are out people go "ah twins" - despite the two and half year age gap, significant height difference and completely different facial features. People are just so pass remarkable it's astounding.

Original poster

Holymoly321 · 05/12/2005 15:35

This has all just got me thinking. I bottle feed DS (couldn't breastfeed) and have no qualms about doing this wherever and whenever he needs feeding. But I wonder what the reaction from people would be if I was breastfeeding as I'm mixed race and DS looks white? Do you reckon people would think I was a modern day wet-nurse?

OP posts:

NorwegianFir2 · 05/12/2005 16:04

Only just seen this thread and just wanted to say how gobsmacked I am at the cheek of some people. Can't believe you were asked that, Smiling - but then am probably being naive. My sister-in-law is Jamaican and, while she doesn't yet have kids, I'm sure she could fill me in more on just how stupid people can be.

bsg · 05/12/2005 16:15

My friends husband is dark skinned and their daughter is very blonde. He was shopping with the little girl and she threw a wobbly in the shopping centre. Security called the police and they were taken to the station. My friend was called and had to go and identify her husband as the father of her child as they thought he was trying to take her. He now worries about going out alone with his daughter....

DelGirlsRingAreYouListening · 05/12/2005 16:18

bsg

dingdongmeggymooonhigh · 05/12/2005 16:25

My husband gets that all the time (he's very dark and ds is very pale - I have olive skin) but what really infuriates me is he likes to make a huge joke of it and loves the laughs he gets from the gas/milk/handy man gags, I don't find them funny in the slightest especially as my MIL likes to tell anyone who will listen that I am a nasty whore who will sleep with anyone and ds is probably the product of said liaisons. What does make me smile though is the fact that her middle son is paler than me! I like to remind her of the all the time
It doesn't bother me if strangers say things as they're just interested and I have convinced dh that if he jokes about it again I will thump him in the goolies !

speedymama · 05/12/2005 23:17

bsg. That happened to a colleague's sister. Husband is Indian with dark skin, daughter pale skin, waiting outside shop for mother, police ask him what he is doing with child, threaten to arrest him, wife comes out of shop and remonstrates with police for harrassing husband.

I see plenty of white women with brown skin children and I bet the police never harrass them so why harrass black/brown men who have fair skin children?

Poshpaws · 06/12/2005 08:07

This thread has been a real eye-opener because this has never happened to me. I am Black and have 2 mixed race Dss and really this has never happened to me. Have the incidents taken place in London/multicultural areas?

Only ask because I live in London/Surrey Borders and it is quite 'white' here but no one has said anything to me (not within ear shot anyway )

Makes me quite sad that people feel they have the right to say such things and openly question paternity/maternity.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 06/12/2005 08:23

OK, I'm going to be honest here! But first, I'll say that I would never question the parentage of a child, it would just make me wonder...

When I see dark skinned children with a white adult I simply assume that the other parent is black/asian. If I saw a pale skinned child with a dark skinned adult, I think I'd assume the adult was the carer. At least I would have done prior to MN . The reason? I assumed that mixed race children were always darker skinned (the ones I've known always have been). I didn't appreciate that they can be pale. I would never query this with the parent though - that's just plain rude and some of the comments you've received are appalling

Still, this proves that MN is a wonderful thing and genetics is far more complicated than most people assume!!

feastofsteven · 06/12/2005 08:55

at the suggestions of abduction merely because the skin colors don't correspond to what people expect - the great british public is of course completely expert on all matters genetic and paediatric I am amazed by people's nosy questions; DS isn't mixed race, but has slightly olivey/tanned skin, so I've been asked by complete strangers whether he is mixed race/or whether his dad is "dark"(!). I always assume that a child is with a parent, whatever the skin colour of either.

OhlittletownofEIDSVOLD · 09/12/2005 03:48

I am stunned that people would even comment or harrass fathers suspecting that they may not be the father of a child..... can't believe that people are that rude....

I think people just see colour and make assumptions - although dh and I are both white - I have dark hair and brown eyes and he has light blue eyes and fair hair - everyone is always telling me how my dd2 looks just like her father - when in fact if you took away the fair hair and the blue eyes she is the spit of me... I have had funny looks as my two are very pale, fair haired and blue/green eyes - english rose sort of skin and I have a more olivey complexion especially now we are living back in Oz.

honneybunny · 09/12/2005 12:00

my dad's blonde, grey eyed, very white; for looks i take after my mum with dark brown eyes/hair and fairly brown skin. he's been called a dirty old man with a young girlfriend a number of times .
some people are just not worth taking notice of really...

number1mum · 10/12/2005 10:44

Hi Smiling!
I know how you feel.I am white Croatian and i am married to a black Zimbabwean.We have two girls older one has olive skin-darker olive(beautiful) and little one she has lighter skin.
Just yesterday i went to the hair dresser to make an appointment and she asked me is she my child...and specialy they can hear my accent(not strong at all, almost not there), so i guess they alway asume i am sort of an au-pair...Horrible......And bealive me it is not first time and it wont be the last i am sure........

Pinotmum · 10/12/2005 11:46

My friend's son is referred to as the Mixed race boy and both his parents are black. This amuses my friend. My sister was asked if her child was mixed race when she and her dh are white. I think some people are nosey

PantomimEDAMe · 10/12/2005 12:03

I got it the other way round a few days ago. Was complimenting a woman in a shop on her gorgeous dd who was wearing an adorable coat. Asking where she got the coat etc. etc. (I don't normally accost strangers but this baby was stunningly lovely). She didn't speak very good English and it took her a while to explain that she was the au pair and the mother was over by another counter!

GemgleBells · 10/12/2005 12:04

It's silly really. I mean even when parents are the same coulor the children can be totally different. I'm chubby, with dark (almost black) hair and blue/grey eye's. My sister is a blonde beanpole with ice blue eyes and loads of freckles. We just take after different sides of the family. Why wouldn't it be the same for mixed race children?

Must admit people have asked if sis and I are really sisters. LOL

likkleDONKEYmum · 12/12/2005 08:56

Pinotmum: this is v.similar situation to my dh. His mum is Carib-indian and Afro-caribbean and his dad is carib-indian and Caribbean-Chinese. Him and his sister are both lighter than both parents.

swedishmum · 24/12/2005 00:11

Good thing you don't live round here. Kids seem to think anyone with slightly darker skin tone has been sent over from Africa by Bob Geldof! Seriously though, I'm appalled people should speak to you like that. Though I have been asked by strangers why I had my kids so close together and if I was mad. Not at all the same level of ignorance I know but just shows how many nosy rude people there are out there.

finefatmama · 27/12/2005 09:56

dh and i are black. ds looked very pale for a few months before he started to get darker skin ( my grandad was light skinned all his life).

We just told nosey nasty people that that he came free with a packet of cereal.

Mirage · 14/01/2006 20:55

This happened to me too & we are all white.I was in a shop with the dd's & an old woman commented that dd1 had blonde hair & green eyes,whilst dd2 had brown hair & blue eyes.She asked me how I'd managed to have two children with such different colouring.I was very tempted to say that they'd got different dads or something{not the case BTW}.But I was so shocked by her comments that I was speechless.

emmawill · 26/01/2006 17:00

Oh wow actually the same has happened to us I'm white but my hb is mixed race and our little girl is very pale with blonde hair (I have dark hair) and blue eyes. You can tell some people don't know whether to call him the father or not if they have never meant us before, it doesn't bother him as he has known this to happen many times but i sometimes feel uncomfortable, the fact is she is only a quarter black and with genetics the way they are, we're expecting our 2nd child any day now and we know it's going to be a he and who knows he could look just like his daddy and people will be looking at me as to whether I'm the mummy!

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