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Original poster

Can DH stop me from moving away with our kids?

46 replies

nbird1 · 19/01/2009 14:00

I found out my husband has been (and still is)having an affair for the last few months. I feel I cannot continue to live in our marital home because of him continuing to see the OW. The atmosphere in the home is intolerable, I can't talk to him about official stuff as it usually ends in arguments. There are 2 children at home and the elder definitely knows what is going on.

DC has expressed a wish to live with me and wants to move away with me and his little sister.

My DH keeps saying he needs his own space, yet wants to keep me and the kids 'within 30 miles or so', so he can have easy access or be there for emergencies etc. He tells me he may realise who/what he wants in life in a few months time - just wants his own front door for the time being.

My point is, he has said he will get out an injunction or prohibited steps to prevent me from taking the children back to my home town which is about 200 miles north. My case for taking the children is
a) Much better support network for me and kids by way of extended (but close) family.
b) Have found son a place in a school
c) Cannot stay in marital home because atmosphere not good for me or kids.
d) Do not want to hang around for up to 12months, only to be told he doesn't want us after all, then move all over again.

It is not my intention to prevent DH from seeing his children whenever he wants. He says he won't be able to afford to see them that often (he's just booked a holiday with OW thats cost him over a grand).

Any advice please?

OP posts:
AccidentalMum · 19/01/2009 14:09

From a friend's experience I am sure that if there is no official agreement in place, either you or he can move the children where you like and all that the other partner can do is apply through th courts for a contact order.

FWIW, my dad investigated preventing my mum moving us further than that and got nowhere. We had been living with him for 4/5years since the split but we were 14 and 12 so it was basically a case of asking us.

AccidentalMum · 19/01/2009 14:09

or he then, don't know why italics didn't work.

AccidentalMum · 19/01/2009 14:10

I should learn to preview . You get my drift anyway...

AnarchyAunt · 19/01/2009 14:11

No, he can't stop you.

flowerybeanbag · 19/01/2009 14:12

Why do you have to move out of the marital home? Why isn't he moving out?

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 19/01/2009 14:15

He could stop you if you wanted to take the DC to New Zealand or something (permanently, not just on a holiday) but 200 miles would not be seen as an unreasonable distance.
But either move out or kick him out: he has no right to expect you to hang around waiting for him to make his mind up (oh, and to keep servicing him with food, laundry etc while he is worrying about his emotions and shagging the OW and treating you like a domestic appliance). It's never good to let someone keep you waiting like this, it allows him to think that he can do what he likes with you.

BennyAndJoon · 19/01/2009 14:16

why do you have to be the one to move>?

Why is it up to him which one of you he wants? Have you thought about whether you want him? (I wouldn't if he continued to see the OW)

And as far as I know you can move where you want as long as you stay in the country.

BennyAndJoon · 19/01/2009 14:17

Oh and I am sorry you are going through this

Original poster
nbird1 · 19/01/2009 14:35

I want to go back home basically. He says he can't afford to move out (yes, we've had the "you can afford to have an affair with meals out, gifts and holidays" conversation.

I have lived down here for 17 years and there's nothing for me here. My home isn't a home any more. Yes I have a job, but I can always get another one. No family (except DH who obviously doesn't want me). Our children hardly ever get to visit relatives and I just think they'd have a better standard of life up north with me.

Have told DH that if he really wanted to see them, he could always move nearer to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
nbird1 · 19/01/2009 14:39

That's another reason I want to go. I can't stay down here just waiting to see if he still wants us, waiting for his affair to fizzle out (she doesn't want him to move in with her, she has 2 kids of her own!). Sick of being treated like second best.

Just feel v isolated, and need some support from people I know - and trust.

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 19/01/2009 14:40

he could potentially stop you if the 200 miles involved moving out of the jurisdication of England and Wales (ie to Scotland)He could then make an application for a prohibited steps Order to prevent you moving but to be honest, once you'd explained to the Court what you've briefly explained on here, I find it hard to believe the Court would make an order preventing you from doing that.
You could therefore move away and if he didn't like it, he could make an application for Residence (which he would be very unlikely to get anyway) or a defined Contact Order but if you are not refusing him contact, he would be wasting his time (and money) Good luck to you x

BennyAndJoon · 19/01/2009 14:49

If I were you then I would move. Just make sure that you have all the financial stuff sorted out and agreed.

Good luck with it.

It sounds like you will be much better off without him.

bronze · 19/01/2009 14:53

I would just get on with it. Get it all sorted then tell him its happening and go very quickly afterwards

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 19/01/2009 17:34

Yup, just move. He can lump it.

postitnote · 20/01/2009 16:07

Im confused. I am considering seperating from my hubby and have already had to spend £600 on solictors fees and basically havent learnt much more than I had already picked up from browsing the internet. But one thing she did say to me was that I could go home to my family in England (Im currently in Scotland btw) without his "permission" as long as I didnt take my DD out of the UK.

Is this advice wrong? Im looking for jobs back nearer my family.

Flibbertyjibbet · 20/01/2009 16:19

I would just go.
How dare he keep you hanging on like that. Expecting you to move out but to stay local for his benefit when he is giving absolutely no consideration to your feelings or welfare.
You need to move to where you will have the support and comfort of your family near at a time like this.

Mutt · 20/01/2009 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

postitnote · 20/01/2009 16:47

sorry nbird1 didnt mean to jump in and hijack this discussion btw. Just like you Im considering moving..... 500 miles away from my husband! and its the practicalities of moving all that way on my own, moving furniture etc that keeps me awake at night with worry. I have no family nearby to help.

If it is only 200 miles I would just go for it. He is clearly the one in the wrong, not you, he wouldnt have a leg to stand on.

Good Luck!

Original poster
nbird1 · 20/01/2009 17:55

That's ok postitnote, sounds like you're in the same boat as me...

Although I don't have family round me here, I have plenty of willing volunteers when the day comes to move.

I saw a solicitor today to start divorce proceedings. DH was under the impression that I was going to just go for separation, with a view to sitting pretty for a year until he 'found himself' again. Don't think so. If he decides he wants us, he can come to us (that is if I still want him of course!) As every day goes by and he shows more and more what a horrible sod he is deep down, then his OW is more than welcome to him, I'm not hanging around for 12 months only for him to tell me that he wants a divorce. Beat him to it.

I won't move without a job to go to though. Am just biding my time and can put up with whatever sh*t he gives me. I go on my terms, not his.

The moving stuff will sort itself out. After all, its only STUFF. People matter more. When its all done and dusted, I'm sure you'll wonder why you worried so much! I'm not really looking forward to it, but need to get mine and my kids lives back in order. We were all riding along on the same train, when he decided to pull the brake and jump off. We (kids and I), will get to our destination with or without him. I wish you well postitnote. x

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 20/01/2009 18:04

well done nbird1 for taking that first positive step. I know it won't be easy but at least you are in control which is very important. Good luck

postitnote, the legal system in Scotland is different than in England and Wales (don't ask me why, its crazy) In England, you can't remove from the jurisdication (ie England and Wales) without consent of father but it may be different in Scotland so you will need to double check that. Good luck to you too

Leslaki · 20/01/2009 20:26

Mumoverseas,
I'm concerned now!! i'm in the middle of a very nasty divorce and if I'm forced to sell the house I will have to move back home to Scotland (in England now)for financial reeasons as well as needing the support network i have there. my sol didn't seem to think that would be a problem. I can't believe I would be prevented from going home if exh just decided to put a spanner in the works (he would just to spite me)!!!! That was my safety net and I'm panicking now!!! Over the past 7 years he has worked in Scotland just as much as he has worked in England and does not currently see the DC for safety reasons (theirs) - i am still currently trying to sort out a contact centre after all other attempts at supported contact using members of his family have fialed (cos of him). What am I gonna do now??? Sorry to hijack NBird1 - glad to hear you are getting yourself sorted! Sorry you're int he same mess as me! Liked your bit about being on the same train - gonna keep that thought in my head! Kids and I are still on te train - he and OW have got off somewhere not very nice indeed!!!

yerblurt · 20/01/2009 22:06

If you are moving for reasons that are to prevent contact and you do not have 'valid' reasons (in the courts view) then the ex could apply for a PSO.

What about the childrens schooling? (You say you've already 'found' a place. As dad has PR he should be consulted about things like this and the court would quite rightly take a very dim view of you trying to enrol the children in another school).

What about the childrens peers, school friends, paternal family?

Is this more about you and the ex rather than the kids?

200 miles is a hell of a long way - why don't you move and leave the kids in the area? Is it really necessary to move 200 miles. How would you feel having to make such a journey? What would the lasting long term effects be on the kids?

I am sure there must be something like Family Mediation that you guys should really seriously investigate and use to work through the many issues. It will be a hell of a lot cheaper financially and emotionally!

Judy1234 · 20/01/2009 22:23

I think it's morally wrong to move. Legally you probably can manage it. If two parents decide to bring up a child in a place if one wants to move to the back of beyond fine but lave the cdhilren with the father adn then see how you like having your children away from you.It's intensely cruel on the otherp aernt and not good for the chdilren either. Think again.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 20/01/2009 22:31

But somehow morally right to have an affair?

Who exactly is the one here who is breaking up the family? Seems to me that if the OP has family involving her move, then this would be entirely justified

mousehole · 20/01/2009 22:32

This reply has been withdrawn

withdrawn at poster's request

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