Can DH stop me from moving away with our kids?

[nbird1]

I found out my husband has been (and still is)having an affair for the last few months. I feel I cannot continue to live in our marital home because of him continuing to see the OW. The atmosphere in the home is intolerable, I can't talk to him about official stuff as it usually ends in arguments. There are 2 children at home and the elder definitely knows what is going on.

DC has expressed a wish to live with me and wants to move away with me and his little sister.

My DH keeps saying he needs his own space, yet wants to keep me and the kids 'within 30 miles or so', so he can have easy access or be there for emergencies etc. He tells me he may realise who/what he wants in life in a few months time - just wants his own front door for the time being.

My point is, he has said he will get out an injunction or prohibited steps to prevent me from taking the children back to my home town which is about 200 miles north. My case for taking the children is
a) Much better support network for me and kids by way of extended (but close) family.
b) Have found son a place in a school
c) Cannot stay in marital home because atmosphere not good for me or kids.
d) Do not want to hang around for up to 12months, only to be told he doesn't want us after all, then move all over again.

It is not my intention to prevent DH from seeing his children whenever he wants. He says he won't be able to afford to see them that often (he's just booked a holiday with OW thats cost him over a grand).

Any advice please?

Xenia I think that's extremely unhelpful, If the father has choosen and is continuing to choose an affair over and above his family then the op has ever right to get on with her life.

If in that life as a single parent, she will get more support etc with her family 200 miles north then she should go ahead and do what is best for her and the children NOT what is convient for his visiting rights!!!

Two parents often move due to the work available for one of the parents, not necessarily what is right for both...

But that is the difference - it isn't about apportioning blame to mum or dad.

Dad was wrong to have an affair - I'm sure there are more angles to every story we hear on this forum , this is only 1 side of the story.

No, the OP does NOT have the right to uproot the children 200 miles away.

I can see no reason why the OP cannot stay in the same area for the continuity of the children.

Why doesn't she move 200 miles away and the kids stay in the area, with dad, to continue their education, after-school clubs, friendships etc???

Totally agree with Doris.

Leslaki, please try not to worry about it. IF, and only IF, your ex does not agree to you moving back to where your family are (and technically out of the jurisdication of E & W) then he can make an application to the Court to try to prevent it. The Court will then consider ALL the circumstances and their paramount concern is the welfare of the children. They will of course also look at your circumstances and if you have no support network in your current area and would have this by moving back home then I would hope that common sense would prevail. Obviously you need to try to reach an agreement on a reasonable amount of contact between the children and their fathe and can't simply expect him to never see him again but you cannot be expected to never move again and stay where you have no family just because your ex lives there.

Of course you could follow the advice given above and just say sod, my husband was a complete arse/having an affair/deserted us but thats ok, I'll leave the kids with him and move away to where I can have the support of my family at this difficult time and so ensure the kids have continuity (but no mum)

Am amazed by some of the stupid comments being made on here by people who I had previosly thought had common sense. Don't let these negative comments upset or worry you.

obviously meant 'them again' (it was early!)

Whatever I think about no matter how sexually badly behaved a man has been you shouldn't move the children, the law is that 9 times out of time the father will not get a prohibited steps order to prevent the move but will the children ever forgive the mother ? Also if you plan it well enough as a mother you can move somewhere where the father cannot even afford to visit and you can't be forced to pay to take the time to take your children to the father for the few weeks a year he will get to see them so if h e isn't very well off then money means he never sees them too. All very nastly but works fine for many women unless of course the father gets the contact and residence as a good few fathers do these days particularyl if they can afford a good private psychologist report about how bad a mother the woman is. Does she want this all to get even nastier and perhaps find her children are forced to live with their father and his lover and then he moves them all to NZ and she gets to see them every few years?

I am not moving to prevent contact - far from it. At the mo, DH is so busy with work, overtime, secondary job, time for affair, he hardly every sees his kids anyway! That in itself is not 'good' for the children - he's already a part-time dad.

As for being intensely cruel on the other parent - having an affair is intensely cruel. We would not be moving to the 'back of beyond', its 4 hours away for gods sake.

If I left the children with their father, they would be pushed about from pillar to post, from after school club, to childminder, to nursery, and with the father working weekends and shifts they would have no consistency in their lives.

As far as the school goes, I've informed DH of the possible school, printed off loads of info from the web for him, and so far, he has not actually said 'no'.

Paternal family... he has no parents, ergo no grandparents for our kids on his side, he hasn't spoken to his brother for over 25 years and his one sister he sees about twice a year. His children from his 1st marriage only see our kids once in a blue moon, and that's when they only want something from their dad.

Longlasting effects on the children...hmm, let me see. Dad had (is still having)an affair, has more time for his OW than his own children, won't spend a few days on holiday with them in a couple of week's time. Overhear dad being nasty to mum frequently, or completely ignoring her. YOU work out what the long-term effects will be. I am trying my best to achieve damage limitation here, by putting kids and me first.

Xenia, whats all this about getting a private psychologist to show what a bad mother the woman is?????? Who said anything about DH wanting to move to NZ?? If you know my DH, and want to tell me something, then please do, no riddles please! OMG, are YOU his OW!!??

Mumoverseas - Thank you!!! these other posts really upsert me. can't believe them!!! NBird1. I am behind you all the way!!! My children would benefit from going back to Scotland if we are forced to leave our home. I totally believe that and it sounds like you do too. Your sistuation sounds the same as mine too - if it was left to Xh to bring them up, it would be a succession of carers and clubs - he would bump them on whoever would ahve them.

In my case, Xh has worked away - regularly 7 days a week over past 6 years in Scotland and ireland leaving me in England to get on with the job of raising a family and finding my own support network ina strange town. We regulalry talked about moving to Scotland as the majority off his work is there. his family btw live int he same town but NEVER help/phone/see kids unless I make the move and even then it's turned down. he has been having an affair and now lives with her. Int he months before we split he (unbeknown to me) ran up approx £50k of debt to fund his new life. he now wants us to sell the house, pay off his (sorry, he calls it OUR) debt and leave me with about £15k to buy a new hosue for me and the kids. he earns £70 -80k pa and has offered £400 maintenance!!!! he was only asked to pay the mortgage in oeue of maintenance for the past 10 months - he has managed to miss 6 months worth of payments and left the mess to me to sort out. In our last court hearing he lied. Basically you other posters expect me and the kids to move out of our house and find a decent 3 bedroomed one down here on my wage of £6k and a deposit of £15k - leaving my newly established support network of friends and neighbours behind?????? Or else just hand the kids over to him although they would be placed in a dnagerous situatuion?
Of course, he woudl ahve to have loads of money to buy a nice house with his OW and live WHEREVER he wants!!!! he has told all and sundry he is moving to NZ. But he can still stop ME moving home?????
And Xenia - I am not being the nasty cow. I have tried everything I possibly can to get hiom to see his children in safe environment but all I get is abuse. His OW is under a harassment order from the police. Ds (6) has actually said he prefers life now cos he sees daddy more now than he did before and when he does see him daddy plays with hims and doesn't just lie on the couch shouting at him cos he's trying to watch tv.

And BTW he can afford to travel to see his kids - he gets a co car with unlimited personal mileage and diesel.

Nbird! - sorry I have hijacked again but those posts made me want to RANT.

nbird, if I was you I'd totally ignore that ridiculous post from Xenia who appears to be scaremongering.
I can't imagine from what you've said that any District Judge in any County Court would give him residence. Like you've said, you are not thinking of deliberately moving to be nasty and prevent contact, you are thinking of yourself and your children's best interest which is what the Court's paramount concern would be if this matter went before the Court.
Please don't let this upset you.

Scuse the spelling - it really was a rant!!!! maybe the private psychologist lark would backfire and actually prove what a sane, sensible and caring woman the mother is. Wouldn't that put a spanner in the works??!!! - sorry let sarcasm get the better of me there!

I am just saying taht if you place yourself in teh shoes of the father who might lose the child you realise how awful it is when mothers move with the children away and that don't assume mothers always get the children.

Sound like Nbird1 is trying to involve her ex in this move buy trying to give him information etc about where they will be. She doesn't sound like the type who is planning to run off with the dcs with no forwarding address.

Also, perhaps if our Xs had considered what life would have been like without constant access to their children they might have tried to make their marraiages work and maybe done things like gone to relate or even told their DW there was a problem before jumping into bed with someone else and wrecking a home.

RANT away Leslaki, fine by me! Some people just talk out of their hat.

As I have said all along to my DH, if he wants all this mess to stop, then its simple. FINISH THE AFFAIR. I have told him that he will always have a place in my life because he is our children's dad. He can come visit, stay with us, even LIVE with us if he realises 'single' life isn't much cop. I can't do any more.

If you love someone, set them free. That's what I'm doing. He'll either fly away for good, or come home. We did talk at the weekend and he told me that he may well follow me up North, but when he's ready. If he came now, he would only feel pushed into it and resent everything about the move. That's why I intend to go and make a new life with our kids. If he wants to join us, he will be very welcome, but for now, he's not interested. He has to sort his own head out, then he'll be better for our children too.

Xd posts there!! you enjoy your new life back home Nbird!!! You deserve it. {smile] Gotta go back to work now. take care!

Just check with your solicitor first what effect moving out of the marital home will have in terms of rehousing you and your children.

xd post with you Leslaki when you were having your rant. and breathe..... Please don't think you need to justify yourself to people on here who have no idea what they are talking about.
Both you and nbird sound like you have given the potential move a lot of thought and are not simply running off with the children.

Leslaki, ref the finances, sounds like your ex is being a twat and if the finances are dealt with by the Court no judge is going to expect you to re-house on £15k and your very low income. Their first priority will be the re-housing of the children of the marriage and will wherever possible make an order that allows the parent with care of the children to re-house in a suitable property. Usually the carer of the children will be the mother but in a few VERY RARE cases it MAY be the father

nbird & Leslaki, please don't allow people to stress you out over this and take the stupid comments with a pinch of salt xx

Hmm generally I would say if hes a good dad then it would be best for the children to live near him but I think in your circumstances you are well within your rights to move closer to family/extended support. Will he cancel nights out to babysit, take days off when the kids are sick or will you be left to do it pretty much on your own?

He is just trying to put you on standby and control you until he knows what he wants...he doesnt think he wants you but isnt willing to let you go in case he changes his mind. I think you have been quite fair you cant put your life on hold in the hopes that he will decide he doesnt want OW/the single life - that would be demoralising for you and the children.

Thanks Leslaki, yes, although I hate what DH has done to me/us as a family, I don't believe in cutting him off from his children. It's not the children's fault, and they deserve to have the best possible outcome from all this. He didn't think about the consequences, so while he's stewing in his own juice, he may yet come to the decision that it would be better for him to move nearer to his children, and show them what he is prepared to do for them for once.

As I said, I'm not going without planning it first. Yes, I was tempted to cut and run, but knee-jerk doesn't sit well with the courts. I want to prove to all and sundry that my move is being taken seriously, and for the benefit of my children, not to get at my DH.

your (d)h is being a control freak.

you can move your children anywhere within the UK if that is where they were born or currently living.

He wants to have his cake and eat it.
Tell him 'no'.

Hope you do the right thing for yourself and the kids and it sounds like you will.

good luck.

Maybe the threat will bring him to his senses but much as he is choosing to do what is best for him, regardless of its impact on the rest of you, he has also put you in the situation where the move away may be what is best for the rest of you.

I think having an involved extended family is probably of more benefit to your children than a distracted/sporadically involved absent father. If he were a candidate for best hands on Dad of year I would be the first to say you were being unfair.

Thanks mumoverseas, nbird1 et al - yes I've calmed down!!! Just going through a very stressful time right now - as I'm sure you are too nbird1 - and to have other people with no knowledge of the situation tell you the best thing to do si give up your children is a bit hard to swallow!!! but mumoverseas you're right!!!

Nbird1 - my knee jerk reaction was to run home, but here we are 1 year later still fighting for the kids!! you are doing the right thing for you and your children. The move away will probably make your ex think hard and realise what he has potentially thrown away. At least then you can talk, move on, whether together or apart. If he's anything like my ex he is probably drowinging in a pit of selfishness, self pity and exciteemnt of the affair/NW!!! Good luck!