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Original poster

19 yr old DSS driving with no insurance WWYD?

47 replies

dreamaway · 08/01/2009 13:03

SORRY this is going to be long;

My 19 yr old DSS is driving with no insurance i just found out yesterday.
Apparantly DH Knew this and has tried talking to him but basically DSS doesn't give a S*.
DSS Lives with us and has been in DH's Custody since 2 years old, i have brought him up since 4 years old. I can't talk to DSS as he has the attitude of nobody can tell me what to do! (especailly not me as i am not his BM.she didn't want anything to do with DSS growing up) So our relationship is strained at times.

yestrday when DH tried telling him, how serious this was, DSS stood and laughed

DSS is not working at the moment so has no money to try and pay off his debts, he owes eight months on his car @£300 per month Which he took out without our knowledge(he was working at the time) Why they haven't come to take the car back by now i dont know

He owes nearly £2000 to bank in overdraft charges. His car tax is due in two weeks which won't get paid. He has outstanding phone bills to pay, but he just doesn't care. And will not speak to creditors to sort something out. I have to apologise to them because he is never here when they phone and won't answer mobile We cannot possibly afford to bail him out

He has no respect for us as a family and treats our house like a doss house. DH thought he was on drugs because of the pure lack of respect and couldn't care less attitude!! He's not BTW

He Is suppossed to pay us £40 PW board but DH has only been charging him £20

He recieved his benefit yesterday so went out shopping for clothes!!

I realise that alot of this is just teenage attitude but it's really starting to piss me off. But i am really annoyed about the insurance thing.

DSS often takes my two DS's aged 10 and 12 out and about in the car, knowing that he wasn't legal to be on the road but i will be putting a stop to that now.

We tried telling him that if he gets caught then he will get his licence revoked,plus a fine, and the seriousness of it should somebody get hurt in an accident but it all falls on deaf ears!!

The Truth is if he gets stopped/caught,
He will get at least 6 points and have his licence revoked, as been driving less than 2 years
will have to retake his test, if not been banned
will get fined. (no money to pay)
the car will be impounded
will incur charges from them taking and storing it
will have to pay for it to be released (again no money)
therefore will end up being sold or crushed and will still have to pay finance on it

But DSS just doesn't get it

What do we do, i have often said he needs a boot up the backside! How do we make him see how serious this is and make him see sense

I have thought about reporting him to make him realise but not sure this is the way to go

Or do we leave him to get on with it, and stay out of it

Any advice welcome

OP posts:
sb6699 · 08/01/2009 13:26

Have you tried sitting down and talking to him calmly and pointing out what will happen if he does not deal with his debts (he will lose his car, be unable to get a mortgage/credit in the future, etc) and explain that you are worried about these implications for him.

Explain that you are unable to bail him out but will help him deal with creditors/make him an appointment with CAB and get it sorted out if he agrees to stick to a payment plan.

If your relationship is so strained that you end up shouting at him he is not going to take heed as he will just feel you are getting at him.

If you have tried all this I don't really see what else you can do other than let him face the consequences of actions.

Btw after all the warnings and things the bailiffs will just appear at your door with no warning and repossess the car if he cannot pay on the spot.

AmIOdetteOrOdile · 08/01/2009 13:34

Take away his keys. If he wants to kill himself / lose his licence etc that's fine. If he crashed into me, injured me and my children and I found out that a) he had no insurance and b) YOU knew about it, I would be beyond livid. In fact thinking about it, I could probably sue you for being party to a crime(or maybe I am watching too many legal soaps )

He is 19. If he is old enough to drive he is old enough to take responsibility for his decisions.

Take away his keys. Tell him if he goes out in the car again you will report him. and then do it.

wingandprayer · 08/01/2009 13:37

Hi Dreamaway. Have much sympathy. have a stepbrother who behaves in very much the same way and he is nearly 40. I think if someone had stood up to him when he was younger instead of always bailing him out/ignoring him/letting him get away with things he would not have ended up where he is now.

What does you DH think you should do? DSS is running up debts at your address which may affect your chances of getting credit as well. How on earth did he get such huge amounts of credit? Can the CAB advise on legality of providing him with debt he never stood a chance of paying off?

pagwatch · 08/01/2009 13:41

I'm sorry but on behalf of teenagers - no it isn't a teenage thing .

If he crashes/hurts someone when driving without insurance it has real consequences for others.

he is being a prick. His age has nothing to do with it.

trixymalixy · 08/01/2009 13:47

I agree with AmIOdetteOrOdile.

he is old enough to realise that there are consequences to his actios.

trixymalixy · 08/01/2009 13:48

Also his inability to sort out his credit commitments could hve consequences for your own credit rating, so yo really shouldn't ignore this and get him to sort it out.

Lauriefairycake · 08/01/2009 13:49

I would report him to the police, no question. Then he will be made to face the consequences of his actions.

trulyscrumptious43 · 08/01/2009 13:51

Yes I thought that you could call the cops on him too. I think that's what I'd do if it was me. He doesn't respect the law so he should have the consequences brought home to him.

edam · 08/01/2009 13:52

Agree with Laurie, report him to the police - how would you feel if he did have a crash?

Original poster
dreamaway · 08/01/2009 13:55

Sb I don't tend to lose my temper with him (makes no difference) and only once raised my voice in the last couple of years that was a few week ago, When DSS asked us to pay for a computer course for him Which was £400

I don't know where he thought the money would come from!!!

The problem is as well every time DSS is out of work he expects DH to get him another job as DH is a manager of a big company has a lot of dealings with agency, Dh has 3 times got him a job in the company but DSS has been sacked 3 times for poor time keeping, going early,not having correct shoes, refusing to take piercings out and even sleeping on the job!!

when asked what he was going to do one time he was out of work "it's ok Dad will get me job!!"

Agency's have no work at the mo. And to be honest with you think DH is getting fed up with DSS not doing anything for himself but i will chat to DH this evening about appt at the CAB

OP posts:
foxytocin · 08/01/2009 13:57

"I realise that alot of this is just teenage attitude but it's really starting to piss me off."

No, this is not just teenage attitude. The majority of teens do not have a bad behaviour like this and most have none of them.

He is taking his family for a ride because he has learnt that he can.

When you and dh stop allowing him to use the house and your love for him like a doss house and its doormat then he will buck up his ideas.

It will be lovely if he did these things before he is caught. It is only a matter of time that he will be caught by a police camera anyway. Let's hope it is just that and not a car accident where the life of an innocent may be taken at worse or at best, someone losing their insurance excess because he doesn't give a toss about anyone but himself.

unavailable · 08/01/2009 14:00

Its not just the driving that is a concern, is it? His attitude to you and his dad, and his unwillingness to take any responsibility stinks.

I think you should give him an ultimatum - either he shapes up (gets a job, insures the car and begins to sort his finances out) or you will effectively give him notice to quit - one month maybe? Oh, and no driving in the meantime before he gets insured or he is out straight away.
If you just let him get away with it and turn a blind eye, you are condoning it. In the long run, you will be doing him a favour.

MadamDeathstare · 08/01/2009 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KarlWrenbury · 08/01/2009 14:05

Tell him his court fine and costs will be huge and he wil lose his licence.

Original poster
dreamaway · 08/01/2009 14:06

wow this thread jus ran away from me !!

I asked DH about running up the credit at our address,He said it wouldn't affect us as it's done on each individual

He had a well paid job at the time and was only 18 when he took credit out why they gave him such a large amount, i don't know (£11,500) as i said he did this without our knowledge

I have to agree that he IS being a prick, i would feel absolutely awful if someone got hurt and i knew about the insurance.

i have been thinking about reporting him to the police all day, but think if i did then DH would go against me

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 08/01/2009 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trulyscrumptious43 · 08/01/2009 14:10

DH doesn't have to know it was you reporting him, nor do the police for that matter. They take anonymous information all the time.

Tamarto · 08/01/2009 14:11

I'd tell him if he goes out in the car again without insurance i'll phone the police, then do it. Never mind your DH sk him how he'd feel if the worst happened.

MadamDeathstare · 08/01/2009 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flowerybeanbag · 08/01/2009 14:12

The address does matter. When I got my credit record to check it years and years ago there were all sorts of records on there for everyone I've ever lived with, my parents, my brothers, university room mates, you name it.

However you can sign a notice of disassociation stating that your finances and the other persons finances are not linked, and they'll take it off your record.

Original poster
dreamaway · 08/01/2009 14:19

Foxy Thanks for that i thought that maybe i i was being too critical of him it's nice to know that i am not in the wrong.

I don't always voice my concerns to DH as i have been told so many times over the years i was picking on him and and i always look for the bad in him, which is of course not true. If I mention something that concerns me DH will automatically defend DSS whether its right or wrong, until he has had time to think, sometime this will escalate in argument. There has always been that element of DSS not being my biological son (makes no difference to me, All my kids have been treated the same) on both my DH and DSS's side that it is really difficult for me.

Its sometimes easier to let DH deal with it as i am Damned if i do and damned if i don't

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 08/01/2009 14:24

Sorry, I didn't read all the posts so I hope I am not repeating anyone else!

Take his keys and call the finance company.
As part of his agreement he will have signed to say that he will keep ikt insured at all times. There are ways the company can check if the car is insured I think.
Tell them he is unemployed and that he cannot afford the finance.

With a bit of luck they will decided to cut their losses and take it back.

End of problem - well that one anyway. His attitude to you and his dad will not improve much if you do that though!

Original poster
dreamaway · 08/01/2009 14:24

Thanks flowery, i was certain it would all be linked, will have to do that.

Unavailable; you hit the nail on the head, DH has been too soft for too long, i am going to have to toughen up and start voicing my concerns this has gone on too long now

OP posts:
Original poster
dreamaway · 08/01/2009 14:27

King, Can we do that on his behalf or does DSS need to phone them?

It would be much better if they came and collected the car, it would be a weight of my shoulders

OP posts:
dsrplus8 · 08/01/2009 14:32

heres what to do ,1) take leads out of car engine and hide them/lock them in safe. 2)take fuses for the electrics out and hide them in different place. 3) tell DSS you will return essential parts when he shows you valid insurance certificate. 4) get a stearing lock and wear keys to it on a chain. 5)remove tyres and have car on bricks so he cant drive it. 6) all else fails phone the police yourself .