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Original poster

stitch needs advice on lots of things please.

37 replies

stitch · 27/12/2008 23:29

many of you know me, and my situation. i need some advice, but wont be able to get to a solicitor till monday, if i am lucky.
quick summary, dh been arrested, and out on bail, not allowed near me, or the house for the next two weeks minimum

1, i have never had access to money . grocery shopping been done online using his credit card. can i continue to use that?
2 if he cancels the credit card, why does that not count as harrassment? otherwise i cant feed the kids. so why isnt that harrassment
3 i am living in the marital home, but he is the earner. if he stops paying the mortgage, then am i legally bound to pay it? i dont earn much at my six hour a week job.
4 ds's tuition fees. what happens if he doesnt pay up. they are due asap.
5 he is probably making sure he is hiding any and all assets he has. is there any way of stoppin gthat?
6 suggestions on what to use for petrol please.

OP posts:
pooka · 27/12/2008 23:32

Don't have much in te way of advice, but would also aim on Monday to speak to benefits agency to see whether you'd be entitled to emergency financial help.

Original poster
stitch · 27/12/2008 23:36

good idea pooka. thank you
i dont actually even have an appointment, just a name of a solictor given to me by the police. and i am concerned i wont get an appointment till a week or so later. .. whilst he is probably, as i type this, getting his stuff together.
had i been smarter, i would have gotten the name yesterday, and at least made a phone call during working hours yesterday, so i could hopefully have an appointment for next week. i feel i have handed him more time on a platter.

OP posts:
FiveGoMadInDorset · 27/12/2008 23:38

They wouldn't have been open yesterday so I think you are still on an even par so to speak, but make sure that you phone first thing on Monday, solicitor, CAB and benfits agency.

solidgoldstuffingballs · 27/12/2008 23:42

Order a big online shop of non-perishable (tinned.dried) foodstuff and essential household goods now so you have food even if he cancels the cards. In fact, order things like mince so you can cook and freeze chili/bolognese etc. He will have to give you some money for the DCs upkeep and you will get benefits, but in the meantime, fill up your larder/freezer/cupboards so you have food while this is being sorted out.

Original poster
stitch · 27/12/2008 23:52

according to the benefits website, i can claim for a few things. including council tax benefits, income support and jobseekers allowance. not sure if any of them are mutually exclusinve. but hopefully will be able to find out on monday.
thanks pooka

OP posts:
Original poster
stitch · 27/12/2008 23:53

excellent idea solidgold.
why didnt i think of that.

OP posts:
hatwoman · 27/12/2008 23:57

hi stitch - I can't advise you but one of the women's help-lines would be geared up to give financial advice (I am sure this kind of controlling is very common)- they would be open at the weekend and possibly able to put your mind at rest until you can get on the case properly on Monday.

can you call on friends/family? again it would put yuor mind at rest if you asked them now if they would be able to help in the short term were he to try to cut you off.

hatwoman · 28/12/2008 00:02

list of help organisations in the SE another one here
can't see whther this is directly relevant or not but worth a look

Original poster
stitch · 28/12/2008 00:03

thank you hatwoman. i will check them out now

OP posts:
solidgoldstuffingballs · 28/12/2008 00:06

If you paid all the household bills (gas/electricity/phone) online with his cards then check them all, pay them now, overpay a bit if possible. This is survival stuff: you need food, heating, etc: his credit card bills won't come in for a few days and if need be you can 'offer' to repay him (but let him take you to court for it; if this was the only way you had to pay the household bills then it's possibly technically partly your money too anyway, and even if a court were to say that you have to repay him, you would be able to do so in installments and it would take ages to get a judgement anyway.)

Coldtits · 28/12/2008 00:13

I'll second the online shop. Absolutely LOAD your house with non-perishable food. Store it in the bedroom if you run out of room in the kitchen!

I think he may be legally bound to pay some or all of the mortgage until your youngest child is 18. Don't quote me.

Finally stitch - a heartfelt message from me...

The next few months are going to be rough. You are going to have to learn to cope with the financial details that you have never had to organise before, and is is worrying and sometimes difficult. Your children may start playing you up, especially if they were frightened of him, as the discipline base has changed...

But I remember some of your threads about your son, and the stress he was under from your ex, and the effect it was having on him. And I am pleading with you, don't look back, not even in the pit of the night when you think you heard a noise and you're scared and lonely and stressed, and the temptation to bathe everything in a rosy light is huge - don't look back. Not even if your kids beg you to.

You have more strength than you know. 3 years ago I was a frightened little girl. Being on my own has made me grow up, and growing pains hurt, but growing up is NO BAD THING. So in a few months time when the bills are coming in and everything seems grey and you feel like going back to the devil you know, hold onto the idea of being a real grown up instead of a frightened wife who wasn't even allowed her own money. You had the strength to make him leave, you have the strength to keep the impetus.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

hatwoman · 28/12/2008 00:20

listen to coldtits, stitch. I know I don't really know you stitch but I want you to know that what's happening to you has really moved/angered/upset me. it makes me weep that there are men in this world that behave this way. stay strong.

Original poster
stitch · 28/12/2008 00:22

i cant keep saying thank you. but i will say it again. thank youfor being such good friends. ....
household bills all paid by dd. afaik. so until he cancels them, they will go through.
colditz. you are absolutely right. and this is something i have always known, whichis probly why it took something as big as this last week to give me the strength to do this.
ds1 has been playing up today already. they dotn yet know what is going on, but he has been playing up already. i am hoping that it is just general holday moods. but, i am expecting this. iyswim.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 28/12/2008 00:24

Stitch, you're in the house, has he not got any paperwork relating to financial stuff in the house at all?

Run a credit check on yourself online and add his name as partner and all accounts he has open should pop up along with balances.

When you speak to a solicitor speak to them about gettig a non-molestation order against him, it will keep him away from the house longer.

You can apply to the CSA already, as you are now officially seperated. I'd apply ASAP with the CSA as they take forever to process your claim, it would help if you knew his work address and NI number to speed things up with that.

Do you have your own bank account? transfer child benefit, to it immediately, you should also get Working tax credit and as for other benefits I'm afraid I dont know.

Original poster
stitch · 28/12/2008 00:28

i only work six hour s a week, so i think i may not be eleigible for working tax credit.
yes, all paperwork is in the hosue. i can find out his ni number, and all sorts of other stuff. good idea.

OP posts:
Coldtits · 28/12/2008 00:32

Working 6 hours a week should leave you entitled to income support £60 pw(depending on how much you earn and how much maintenance you recieve), some council tax benefit (will probably cover your CT unless it's very high) and some Child tax credit (roughly £45 per child per week). Plus your normal child benefit.

fuzzywuzzy · 28/12/2008 00:35

Ermm also OK, do not give him any paperwork unless you have a copy of it first, any paperwork you do not wish for him to have immediately might be better misplaced off the property, so ex cannot turn up and take it. Do you understand?

With regards paperwork, find out how much his annual salary is, pull out his P60 dated April 2008 and copy it, get copies of his last six months worth of payslips too, get copies of the last years bank statments, if he has any pension scheme get a copy of the latest statement of that too (altho I doubt he will have made enough in a pension for it to be useful but if you find a copy keep it). Get copies of all bank statements, sabings funds he may have.

Move all your jewelery off the property, my ex wanted my jewlery back, and appeared to have developed a rather exaggerated price of the tat he had 'gifted' me, be warned.

fuzzywuzzy · 28/12/2008 00:36

Stitch it doesn't matter what you think you are entitled to, just apply for every benefit you can think of, they can only tell you no right?

jellyjelly · 28/12/2008 10:07

have not read all of thread but call gingerbread much better than cab. They were fab to me all the times i called them they told me exactly what i could and couldnt do.

Call as soon as they open as they are so busy.

jellyjelly · 28/12/2008 10:08

change any child benefit/tax credits to different account as they wont be able to claim them back if they are joint and if the account is/gets frozen.

charlieandlola · 28/12/2008 10:14

stitch, is your mortgage in sole or joint names, ie, your xh on his own, or you and xh.? Latest mortgage statement will tell you this. Will make a material difference. If it is joint, you are jointly and severally liable, if if he doesn't pay it, the lender will expect you to. If it is sole name, you are not legally responsible for it. The lender can still repossess the house, but it will be along long process.

ilovelovemydog · 28/12/2008 10:42

You need to do short and long term planning.

Finance wise, he should keep paying the mortgage, bills etc, but there is nothing to stop him cancelling the credit card. You have money in the joint account? Take enough as would be reasonably be expected to feed yourselves until the finances get sorted...

When you see the solicitor, you need to ask about:

  1. Non molestation order
  2. Occupation order
  3. Separation Order/agreement until divorce (if that's your intention. This sets in place things like finances.
  4. Contact Order - you may wish to consider DS having supervised contact at a Contact Centre so you do not have to see DH.

But don't worry . Really.

mumoverseas · 28/12/2008 11:47

oh poor you stitch, what a terrible situation.
totally agree with the advice ref HUGE supermarket shop NOW and also solidgolds advice ref paying bills and making overpayments if possible.
Agree with what ilovemydog says about the various orders available to you however hopefully you won't need to apply for the non-molestation/occupation orders if he complies with his bail conditions.
Have you thought about your long term intentions ie divorce? Ideally, if you go down the divorce route you may be able to resolve the finances amicably (which will hopefully reduce not only costs but animosity) but if not, you would be able to apply to the Court for them to deal with the ancillary relief (financial side of divorce)
He should continue to maintain you and DD in the interim, but worse case scenario and he doesn't, then you need to think about an application through the County (divorce) Courts at the same time as a divorce for Maintenance Pending Suit (MPS) Basically, this is a short cut way of getting interim financial provision for women such as yourself where the husband basically cuts everything off. A 'normal' financial application could take up to 12 months (if not longer) to go through the courts but if he is not paying the mortgage or bills etc there is provision for you to make this type of emergency application. At the hearing, the District Judge would basically take a broadbrush approach and award you an interim monthly sum which should cover all the household bills and necessities for yourself and your DD.
Hope this helps and that things don't get too bad xxx

bellavita · 28/12/2008 12:11

How are you doing stitch? Have you managed to do an online shop?

Sending my best wishes to you xx

MrsGokWan · 28/12/2008 18:30

Stitch IA have read your threads and you have been incredibly strong and brave. Well done you.

Check out www.entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits are available to you.

As some one else suggested check out your credit reference files and link with ex. This is Martin's article on getting free/cheap checks.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/credit-rating-credit-score

Check all the agencies.

Look after yourself.