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Original poster

Telling H my finances... what happens if i do? (sorry if a bit long and ranty!)

77 replies

lunavix · 03/09/2008 18:35

I've posted about this before. H has insisted that I give him a chart of my finances beginning this September as I start Uni and he thinks that I am incapable of supporting our children. I believe I posted it in lone parents and got a resounding 'do not tell him!' but I want to know the practicalities of what happens if I do.

We have no communication or relationship at all and do not get on. He knows he cannot insist on it but is very happy to blackmail me into it, by making comments like 'he will have to rethink (me) being their maincarer if I am at uni and therefore no longer home during the day'

So I'm fully aware I don't have to do this but I like an easy life so...

Can this come back to bite me in any way if I am honest? Say it said I had £20 a month left after food, bills, etc. Or say I had £2000 a month left! What is the practicalities of him holding this information, in a document I have produced? I know it doesn't affect maintenance (which is on his wages) but what about divorce etc. Please help me figure out any ways this could end badly.

One I was thinking of was what if realistically there's a shortfall each month - most people survive on loans when at uni (don't know about the average family with kids) and I'm lucky that my course is funded. But what if I don't make ends meet and rely on some credit? Is this acceptable as I'm at Uni?

He says this is for his 'peace of mind' as he is very worried. IMHO this is just another way of him continuing his controlling manner that he had when we were together. I did say to him if I did it it would be a one time only thing. So if say in 3 years I started another uni course, or moved in with someone, or got a job, or le ft a job for another he'd never get this again. And he told me he expected it every time my finances changed! The cheek of it lol

So, please share your opinions and wiseness!

OP posts:
AvenaLife · 03/09/2008 20:20

It's none of his business though is it?

He doesn't live with you anymore. The way you want to live your life is also none of his business. The money you pay out and earn is none of his business. You are not married to him any more and you do not have to explain anything to him.

The only bond you have with him are your children. He should be spending his effort looking after them, not meddling in your life. You are not his child. If you want to quit your job and claim benefits then this too is none of his business. You are not accountable to him. You are your own person. Break this chain, whatever way you can or he's still running your life.

Original poster
lunavix · 03/09/2008 20:32

lol but I am still married to him.

Okay so...

'I have the childminding information for you to collect tomorrow with kids as requested. I have decided I am not comfortable sharing my financial information as this is something we will both be divulging during our divorce procedures. You should know that I will always make sure I can support our children. I still need confirmation of whether you are bringing the kids back Sunday or dropping them off to CMs on Monday can you please let me know as soon as possible.'

OP posts:
AvenaLife · 03/09/2008 20:34

Only on paper, you are not really married. He's estranged now.

Don't give him any info, not even the CMs. Give him her reference number so he can check up though.

Original poster
lunavix · 03/09/2008 20:36

should I add 'you should know I will always make sure I can support our children and if difficulties ever arose I would not be too proud or bitter to ask for help or to incrase their contact with you'

or is that silly?

During his request of my information he asked what I planned to do say during placements if I needed help. I assumed that he meant would i be too proud or spiteful to ask him to have them extra

I said well have network of friends, CM etc. And if needed I would ask you or your parents, I'd never close you out.

He said, don't expect help from any us. We are all busy with work

I think it was more his bitterness than truth but still it shocked me lol

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 03/09/2008 20:38

God no. Don't make any mention of difficulties.

HonoriaGlossop · 03/09/2008 20:40

don't add that bit. It's unecessary and negative.

I was surprised to hear you're not divorcing on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Of course he would go off on one to hear that! Because he's unreasonable! Were you happy to give that idea up or did he bully you out of it?

I wouldn't be giving him any info from the childminder either tbh. If he wants info from her he can get it direct from her. Since you're paying her it's a matter for you.

He really does sound so awful.

Original poster
lunavix · 03/09/2008 20:45

He is so awful.

As he as PR i assumed he had to agree to childcare.

Shall I show him contracts? It has the amount I'm paying on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
lunavix · 03/09/2008 20:48

He won't talk to her as she is a friend of mine.

His reason for not letting me use her intitally (another thread of mine on here as he said no) was because as a friend of mine he believed she'd sit there belittling him to them. Never mind the fact she is a professional and has better things to do

OP posts:
cargirl · 03/09/2008 20:57

Lunavix the worst that can happen is that he goes to court and gets 50/50 shared residency - really truly would he want that, he would have to arrange childcare when he had them etc etc etc. He is ONLY doing this to try and continue controlling you he will say anything to try and control you.

I'm sure if you continue to be polite, calm, and firm he will eventually give up, move on and find someone else to try and control.

If he refuses to have the dc when you have lates/earlies etc you could look at getting a nanny/au pair if your CM cannot help you out. Yes it is reasonable for you to take out student loans for your living costs under the circumstances.

HonoriaGlossop · 03/09/2008 20:57

Luna he doesn't have to agree. Obviously I would usually say it's great if parents can communicate on stuff like this etc etc but he is so clearly abusive that things are different here!

Why should he see the contracts? Why does he want to?

cargirl · 03/09/2008 21:03

Whilst you are looking after the dc it has little to do with him the onus would be on him to prove that they were not being adequately cared for. I would almost be tempted to contact ofsted and warn them that your ex is being difficult and anti your CM and that you wouldn't be surprised if he made a malicious complaint about her - if you think he would stoop that low!

Perhaps it would be worth putting in writing to your CM that your dh is not happy about it and being difficult etc etc to cover her back?

AvenaLife · 03/09/2008 21:03

He doesn't have to agree to the childcare, he can however take you to court over it if he thins that it's not in the childrens best interest for them to go there, they will decide on the children's behalf. I doubt he'll do this but it really is the only thing he can do.

I think he's forgoten that this isn't about you or him, it's about your children and what's best for them. He doesn't need to see any contracts. As I've said before, it's got nothing to do with him how much you pay.

Original poster
lunavix · 03/09/2008 21:50

Okay I have text him that text. He said he wanted to pick up ds tomorrow (1st day at school) well actually he said (after I told him it was his first day at school ) that he wanted to take him, when I said I wanted to be there to he changed his mind.

So I added on the end about that.

EEk I'm so not looking forward to this.

cargirl - budget very tight so not sure that an option... but will wait and see.

Everyone who has suggested warning CM, like I said she knows him well. Will discuss warning Ofsted, have already done it regarding myself (currently CM!) after he threatened to before.

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Original poster
lunavix · 03/09/2008 21:52

ARGH

he phoned straight away.

He says I am 'mugging him off' (?) and have been a dispicable liar agreeing to it, dragging it out for months and then changing my mind two weeks before. Which isn't entirely fair as I didn't agree to it until about a week ago.

He's told me I've made it personal, been a nasty 'b**tch' and he's only asked in the best interests of the kids..

I have a feeling this is going to go quickly downhill.. not looking forward to tomorrow at all.

OP posts:
AvenaLife · 03/09/2008 21:53

Did you not ask him if he wanted to meet you there in the morning so you could both drop ds off?

It'll be OK. Stand up for yourself and don't back down though. It'll make things alot harder for you if you do.

cargirl · 03/09/2008 21:54

see this as short term grief for long term gain.

So what was he going to do if you were going to struggle - take the kids off you, give you your money? In all honesty what would he have done to help - nothing!

Original poster
lunavix · 03/09/2008 22:03

avena - no, he refused to go if i was there remember. I didn't get to ask if he was picking ds up after school as he screamed something and hung up.

cargirl - I know. to be honest I feel I've gotten off lightly so I'm sure the storm will come tomorrow.

OP posts:
cargirl · 03/09/2008 22:05

Have you been through mediation?

Do you want to? That would be a good place to discuss some of these issues.

He's a nightmare! How old are your dc?

msdemeanor · 03/09/2008 22:06

Stay strong. YOu did the right thing. Don't let his INSANE reactions make you doubt yourself. You are more than reasonable, he's a nutter, honestly, he is. He has no right to this information. Let him have his idiotic tantrum. Twat

AvenaLife · 03/09/2008 22:06

Sorry, I thought he'd just refused to collect. Only an angry, bitter, twisted man would not go with his child on their first day at school because they are angry with their ex.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 03/09/2008 22:07

DON'T GIVE IN LUX - don't be bullied by him.

you were in the first place.

stand your ground.

Original poster
lunavix · 03/09/2008 22:08

Mediation Did Not Work. They sided with him!!! Told him he was reasonable in wanting access to child benefit money, asking my finances, etc etc. He came out every time looking very smug then decided he didn't approve when they pointed out I was already the main carer.

DCs 4 and 2

msdemeanor - lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
lunavix · 03/09/2008 22:10

Avena - yup. He'd actually thought it was the day he rang and asked how it went (although I'd swapped his evenings so he had them the day after school instead of the day before... ) and when I said it was tomorrow he asked to take them, I said sure he'll love it, but I'll be there too and he went 'OH. Well I will not be going then. Maybe I shall pick him up instead.'

OP posts:
msdemeanor · 03/09/2008 22:56

I am still staggered by the mediation. is he a hypnotist at all (look into the eyes... not around the eyes...)

msdemeanor · 03/09/2008 22:57

Oh, and I'd start taping his phone calls and keeping his texts. Threats to not see/pick up his kids won't exactly help his case if he tries to fight for residence, will they?

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