Telling H my finances... what happens if i do? (sorry if a bit long and ranty!)

[lunavix]

I've posted about this before. H has insisted that I give him a chart of my finances beginning this September as I start Uni and he thinks that I am incapable of supporting our children. I believe I posted it in lone parents and got a resounding 'do not tell him!' but I want to know the practicalities of what happens if I do.

We have no communication or relationship at all and do not get on. He knows he cannot insist on it but is very happy to blackmail me into it, by making comments like 'he will have to rethink (me) being their maincarer if I am at uni and therefore no longer home during the day'

So I'm fully aware I don't have to do this but I like an easy life so...

Can this come back to bite me in any way if I am honest? Say it said I had £20 a month left after food, bills, etc. Or say I had £2000 a month left! What is the practicalities of him holding this information, in a document I have produced? I know it doesn't affect maintenance (which is on his wages) but what about divorce etc. Please help me figure out any ways this could end badly.

One I was thinking of was what if realistically there's a shortfall each month - most people survive on loans when at uni (don't know about the average family with kids) and I'm lucky that my course is funded. But what if I don't make ends meet and rely on some credit? Is this acceptable as I'm at Uni?

He says this is for his 'peace of mind' as he is very worried. IMHO this is just another way of him continuing his controlling manner that he had when we were together. I did say to him if I did it it would be a one time only thing. So if say in 3 years I started another uni course, or moved in with someone, or got a job, or le ft a job for another he'd never get this again. And he told me he expected it every time my finances changed! The cheek of it lol

So, please share your opinions and wiseness!

NO! He will use everything AGAINST you. And by giving in on this, this will just be the start. It's like a toddler, give in to them and they will only get worse. If you agree to this it wouldn't be the end, it would mean he would expect to control every element of your life. He sounds quite mad, to be honest.

What do I do if I have a 2 - 11pm placement for example (yes I have thoroughly made those hours up lol) and they are all against me? Simply say 'sorry no'?

My first day at Uni is on Monday 15th. The weekend prior to it is his weekend with the kids and I have already warned him he will have to either bring them home Sunday night or drop them off to CMs on the monday. If I refuse to do this he will refuse to take them.

I ended things with him yes. He was always very controlling and if I am honest quite emotionally abusive. I probably have 1000 threads about him on here dating back the last 5 years

How often does a thread on MN have everyone agreeing? It doesn't happen often. We all agree that it's a bad idea. You know this too.

Lunavix - unless there is a signed sealed & delivered legal document saying this is what you must do, then DO NOT DO IT.

Whatever disclosure is required, do it to the extent, NO MORE, than is demanded on the document.

Please practice "F* off" and DO NOT ROLL OVER as you will live to regret it.

Sorry for the capitals.

Financial advisor?

After he initially asked me this, I decided to see my solicitor. When he came round to discuss this further I mentioned I'd be consulting my solicitor and he went nuts screaming at that this was supposed to rest his mind and be amicable, not be involving solicitors (as in the request of financial information is meant to be amicable)

he honestly flew off the handle (I gave the impression I had a visit booked)

'If I refuse to do this he will refuse to take them'

That's it right there. He's blackmailing and controlling and using the children. This finance thing is just another way to do it.

lunavix, if you have an abusive ex-partner in the background making it impossible for you to do placement hours you will need to tell your tutor/placement supervisor. They WILL be understanding and sympathetic and there will be a way round it for you.

Do not hand him the power on a plate...get help from Uni. It will be there.

Yes - he's angry because he knows what the solicitor will say. He will advise against it.

Did you see your solicitor? HOnestly I thinhk he has some kind of mental disorder. He does not sound normal to me. No wonder you are scared of him.

Okay but my examples above?

I HONESTLY have no family. At all. Friends are few and far between (he managed to get most on his side) and I already rely too heavily on those I do have.

How far are you willing to go to keep them onside? where will it stop give in to one thing then another for evermore?

To object to your CM he would have to have valid reason and if she is approved etc then no court in the land will listen to him.

I really feel for you, but you really do have to say no, good luck

Then use your childminder more - or the university creche. Where are your family Lunavix?

So what he flew off the handle? His blood pressure, his problem. (maybe a problem for your eardrums of course)

Are you there to rest his mind? No

Are you entitled to legal advice? Of course you are.

Flippin' flip.

Just assume he's not ever going to see them and use this as your worst case scenario. I did a nursing course as a single parent, I didn't have a lovely, helpful childminder though so I found it really tough. You can talk to your placement supervisor and sort the shifts out with them. They finish by 9pm for a late shift anyway so the night staff can take over. I understand that you need his support but the price you will be paying is too high. I would not have my ex invading my privacy and looking through my finances so I could do a late shift, it's just not on. If you let him do this then what will he want next? He should be happy to look after his children, no strings attached. They are HIS children too. If he wants to look through your accounts then this is blackmail.

I would try to mamage without him if you can. If your friend is helping you then take up her offer. The early shifts normally start at 7:30. If it is easier for you the just do early shifts. You don't have to work with your mentor all the time and you get 2 to work with anyway. If your friend is willing to have them overnight then do night shifts, 3 night shifts should cover your placements for a week and half a day, something like that. Speak to the uni about this aswell, they will be able to advise you.

Lunarvix, Im a student nurse with two children. Every placement that I have been on have been more than accomodating with regards to my hours and fitting in around childcare.
I wouldnt worry too much about placements.

He is being an arse and probably cant cope with the fact that you are making a career and a future for yourself and your children, and as a consequence will not rely on him finacially.

I know how easy it is to say 'tell him to off' but I have been in your situation and I know it's horrible to deny him his control because he will go off on one. It has taken me the best part of a year to break out of this and you have my utmost sympathy.

To make it possible to deny him what he is asking you you need to think through and prepare for what he could do or say when you tell him it's none of his business. Which it isn't.

1. he can throw a hissy fit and be rude and horrible and make threats. Nasty, but no broken bones and you will have taken the first step to real freedom. (Buy yourself a treat eg lovely bottle of wine when you have done it!). Practice saying 'this conversation is over. I am now going to stop the conversation. goodbye' and putting the phone down. and not answering when he rings back immediately!
2. he can NOT 'take the children away from you'. He can threaten to do it but he can't do it, not without huge legal proceedings and so forth that would take months and months. He would need to prove that the arrangements you currently have and that he has already agreed are best are actually worse for the children than anything else he now suggests. If he really wanted shared living arrangements with the children he would have them already. It won't happen.
3. he can slag you off to his family. What could he say that would be true that would really make things difficult there? How difficult would it really be? or would it just be horrid? you can probably rely on friends more than you think, and you will meet new friends as your course goes along

You know that if you give him this information he will use it against you - AND you will have 'told' him that you will still do what he wants.

Please please try to take the first step away from him. Say 'how I use my income is my business and nobody else's.'. If you ahve done a Form E then DH will already have had the information. If you haven't done Form E then say 'all this information will be in Form E. I am looking forward to seeing your Form E too'.

BE STRONG! It is SOOOOO WORTH IT!

listen to missingtheaction

agree with everything that's been said so far.

have a chat to your tutor and also your CM about extra hours etc/antisocial hours etc for placement., but i'm sure if you explain your placements should help accommodate you - until you ask thou you won't know.

listen to missingtheaction she is absolutely right

[sorry, pressed go too early]

Please dont give him this information.

If he is that worried then he could give you more money if he liked, but this sounds like it is all about control.

If he's so worried about your finances and how you will feed and clothe the children - he is legally permitted to give you extra money. He will not be sent to jail for buying the kids stuff. This is not about worrying about them, it is about controlling you.

Tell him if he's so worried, he can buy their X, Y, Z from now on and go halves on the rent...

Sorry I will reply to everything just very stressed and tempermental laptop.

msdemeanor - i have a sister (adult) in australia and a dad possibly in bulgaria. Not sure. My mum died last year. That's all family. I grew up in Australia so most close friends are there. A few close ones like I said 80 miles away (godparents) but H got to them first so they are wary.

I have three or four close friends here, who help out (one is the soon to be CM.)

My CM thoroughly understands and is very flexible as she is one of my closest friends. Our arrangement is one that without I wouldn't be going at all, and I know she will help out when she can. My only issue is I believe I have full days Mondays and Fridays and like I said these are days that H will need to drop off or pick up on.

I haven't done a Form E as we are not technically in the process for divorce. I applied under unreasonable behaviour (for MANY reasons) but he flew entirely off the handle claiming it all libel and scandalous. He has since said that he will only agree if I do it under adultery (I have since had a relationship). Obviously I declined. I even told him to pick a random reason he was happy with for me petitioning him as unreasonable - he says he refuses to have it on record that he is unreasonable.

Slightly dreading that form, have got myself into much debt since them

Thank you for the reassurance about placements, I will make it a priority when I start to discuss this with relevant people.

Right so okay [deep breath emoticon!]

I have agreed to show him CMs business folder and our contracts. I know the contract has the financial information on it for our arrangement, but I feel he has a right to see all this as it's directly related to the care given to our children as he has PR too. Agreed? Well okay obviously he will get to see business folder but contracts?. He 'believes' our arrangement itself is shady or ('underhand' as he says) which is why he asked to see contracts.

So shall I text him and say 'I have the childminding information for you to collect tomorrow with kids as requested. I have decided I am not comfortable sharing my financial information as this is personal to me. You should know that I will always make sure I can support our children. This is all information we will share later in our divorce anyhow. I still need confirmation of whether you are bringing the kids back Sunday or dropping them off to CMs on Monday can you please let me know as soon as possible.'

Is that right?

Sorry. Is he paying for the childminder? If not then he doesn't need to see the contracts. By all means give him her registration number so he can do some checks on her but nothing else.

Just tell him that you have thought about the financial side of your life and you do not hink that it's appropriate for him to be delving into your finances as you are no longer together. Your children will be better off as you shall be increasing your income because of recieving a bursary and there is no need for him to know anything else. Then ask whether he intends on collecting his children so you can make alternative arrangements if he is unable to do this.

Okay so is that text worded okay? We usually only communicate by text as anything else goes sour

I am paying for CM.

His view is I'm not better off as I'u giving up a full time job to go to Uni...

The text sounds fine to me, but I would drop 'as this is personal to me' and put 'as we will both be divulging all finances during the divorce procedings'.

That way its less, well personal ifswim, and you drop the hint of him having to divulge all that he is asking you to divulge.

I was also with a controlling stress freak for some years. I didn't have children and it was hard enough to leave him and get him out of my life with just myself to think of.

I did a part time degree as a mature student that was supposed to be day release from a suitable job. Throughout year 3 I was bullied at work. At the start of year 4 I was paid off because the company could see a constructive dismissal claim coming a mile off. I thought I would not be able to finish the course but to this day I am staggered by the support and sympathy from tutors for those trying to study under difficult circumstances. I am sure yours will be the same.

You have a lot more close friends than a lot of people. Perhaps your old 'joint' friends are actually on your side but know him and so are worried about his reaction if they 'side' with you.

Good luck with it all you sound like one very brave lady.