Sorry put this in legal too just in case - can h contest my choice of childminder?

[lunavix]

I start uni sept and have been avoiding discussing it with h, we have been seperated a year and he knew i was accepted but if I give him too long to think over something he tends to throw up every hurdle possible.

I was accepted for uni when we were still together and he discussed using his mum who was working part time for childcare which I didn't agree with as I felt they needed time away (she mollycoddles them lol)

I want a good friend to childmind them, she's a registered childminder and very professional. As I'm currently a childminder myself I know all the local ones and there is probably three I'd trust with my children if I'm entirely honest. One is her, one is another lady who is full and doesn't do ds's school, and another is full and doesn't do ds's school except a friday. I wouldn't use a day nursery either, plus I don't want to seperate them. Ds is already starting full time school at the age of 4+5. I don't want too mcuh to change, this childminder is one of my best friends and they see her a lot and me leaving them there wouldn't even seem a seperation for them.

I told h on the phone today (we don't see each other at all bar drop off/pick up and even then its tense) about starting uni and using CM and he said he's not happy as the children spend too much time in 'my circle of friends' and need to socialise with other children. I explained that there are no other options realistically (I know he wasn't happy putting ds in nursery when younger so he'd only agree to one now out of spite) and he suggested his mum again - hardly with more children! She works four days a week so it would only be a very part time option, but I don't consider her reliable - she has spent at least 16 out of the last 40-odd weeks abroad on holiday and her work changes at the last minute so even for one day thats not the best. So I said well I have to pay for a fulltime space anyways so she can always have them when she likes anyways.

But then he said I had to prove all earnings/outgoings to prove I could support them while at uni - my course is bursary funded which is why I can afford to go and he knows this, and also knows I wouldn't go if I couldn't, but he's always liked control. He said i agreed to it at mediation - i didn't! I said it was controlling and refused! But he had insisted and the mediators said it sounded like a good idea and he's taken it as gospel. So he's coming over thursday (urgh he's never been in my house) for me to 'prove' my finances and THEN we will talk about childcare.

SO (sorry for rant!) my question - can he stop my kids using this CM? Cos if they don't go with her tbh I won't go because I won't be comfortable using any other care. And it's the best solution for their happiness. And I don't think I could afford it because she's very generous with flexibility. Which then means in september i will actually be unemployed.

The mediators sound very odd, btw. Get some legal advice and ask that solicitor about the way mediation is working out, find out how you can challenge this set-up or choose another bunch of mediators or something.

It is one of the known disadvantages of mediation that it can disadvantage the person who is most reasonable or has the least power in a relationship - but a decent mediator should be aware of that and have ways of addressing it.

Lunavix - in answer to your original OP, no he can't contest your choice of childminder. Him having PR doesn't mean that he "shares responsibility" for stuff like that. It only means he has a say in matters pertaining to health, education and welfare - you are the resident parent so you have the final say.

If he's not happy with your choice of childminder, he can take you to court for either a prohibited steps order (which he'll never get) or residence (equally unlikely unless he can actually prove serious welfare issues). If he's legally aided, he'll have to try mediation first (unless you've gone in the last four months).

Don't be frightened of his threats and don't give into any more demands - as everyone else says, you've already been far too accommodating. he has no right to look into your finances - he may wish to bring up the "debt" incurred by the house sale in a later court application but tbh, he'll be opening a can of worms because firstly he'll have to give full disclosure and secondly, he'll have to explain why you had to leave with two kids while he had all the time in the world to secure alternative accommodation.

As for the divorce - he'll have to prove penetration to prove adultery and he'll have to demonstrate that he found it intolerable to live with you - slightly difficult if he can only prove it started after you separated. If you still want to proceed with UR and he refuses to acknowledge service, you can ask the court to accept your affidavit that he definitely got it (i.e. your statement saying you saw him rip it up!) as proof of service so the divorce will go ahead anyway.

You don't have to have a local solicitor to do your divorce although it is easier - ask their firm to recommend someone or check here (just enter your postcode and family) to find your nearest legally aided one. It'll be a pain but it really will be worth it.

Sorry to go on - I hope it helps!

Oh, and no, to answer your OP, I don't think he has any realistic chance of overturning your choice of childminder - he'd have to go to court and the court would be very annoyed at such a waste of its time assuming the childminder isn't someone completely ridiculous and unfit to be around children. Which clearly she isn't.

cross-post with C&C's excellent advice!

Your finances are none of his business. Especially given he doesn't even pay maintenance towards his children. What grounds is he using to look at your finances anyway?

The divorce for adultery is technically correct as you started a relationship within six months of separating from him, but he's an arse. Once you've been separated for two years you can divorce him anyway iirc so I would just wait for that.

you need to be assertive. "no, you do not need to assess my finances. We are no longer together and my finances are no longer any of your business." If he threatens to take you to court for residency let him. The fact he doesn't even pay maintenance would probably have his claim thrown out in an instant.

You are no longer with this man. He no longer has any control over your life.

Tell him to get stuffed.

it's not really correct, though, WB, because as C&C pointed out, he has to prove penetration and that as a result he found it intolerable to live with his spouse, which he can't because they were no longer living together when she began the new relationship.

your former solictor sounds great! You NEED a 'rottweiler' because you are being so screwed over by someone who is bullying and aggressive. Go back to him. Your ex cannot just tear up a divorce petition and say it doesn't count. It doesn't work that way. You can divorce him no matter how many petitions he tears up! Go for unreasonable behaviour and take no notice of his bluster and threats. He has zero chance of getting residency - the twat doesn't even pay maintenance!
He has told you a lot of crap about the house - don't swallow it. He's not on your side. You did not get a great deal. He owes your children maintenance and cannot wriggle out of his obligations.
You have the care of the children, therefore all day to day decisions are YOURS to make re the kids - such as childcare.
Your finances are private! Do not let him snoop through them. You need to get the divorce up and running, then you will BOTH have to disclose your finances to get a fair settlement decided in court.
Please stand up for yourself and your children.

My mediators were awful. Fully aware of it. They were the only two in the county, and the man very obviously sided with h. Female tried to remain neutral but in remaining neutral appeared to side with h as that's what other mediator did.

Things like h wants access to child benefit account. It always used to be put in our joint account to pay bills etc. Upon seperating I opened an account especially for it and use it for kids clothes, swimming lessons, things that are for the kids only and wouldn't be able to afford without it. His original argument was that he took the kids to the swimming lessons and didn't want to ask me for hte money, I said he could tell me when it was due and I'd go pay it. He said that if that was the case he'd use the maintenance (lol!) to pay for anything he saw fit, and would give me whatever he had left over. I argued that I needed a set amount to rely on, and that if the kids needed shoes I'd know what was in the bank account, and not need to worry he'd taken money out as he was hardly likely to ask or tell. And that if I had maintenance I'd need to rely on it being a set amount not as he pleases, he told me I couldn't 'have it both ways'. When I pointed out we used to use it to pay bills and what if I ever needed to rely on it he went nuts.

And the mediators agreed with him and stuck it on their whiteboard as a thing to do!!They said it was very reasonable for him to access that money as he pleased.

Sorry I have ranted about this before.

oh by divorce for adultery is technically correct I just mean that technically he could claim adultery if you'd started another relationship within six months of separating but he really is just using this to get at you so I would tell him to take a running jump.

Thanks everyone. CnC I will follow that advice.

Can he prove I am unfit because of debt? Since seperating from him I have run up a lot of debt it's around... £8k, £3.5k is a friends in my name (I know, don't ask, I know better now ) I am paying it off slowly. I can afford to pay it off bit by bit, and hopefully shall do in September too.... he doesn't know about this.

have you stopped using those mediators now? Good! And is there any record of what you 'agreed'? If so, I'd get it looked over by a new solicitor (see the link someone posted).

Jesus Lunavix, your mediators really sold you up shit creek with all that crud about c benefit and use of maintenance money You've had tons of really good advice but I'd re-iterate that him paying you maintenance is (a) nothing to do with your finances and (b) nothing to do with him how you spend it. Also, the official line at court is that it makes no difference whether he pays maintenance as to what his rights are as a father altho' obviously it depends what judge you're in front of really!

What county do you live in? Can't believe you've only got one legally aided lawyer in your town and two legally aided mediators in the county - that is really pants!

'Can he prove I am unfit because of debt?'

No.

Bloody hell Lunavix! The mediators are dreadful! I'd have nothing whatsoever to do with them ever again. You are perfectly within your rights to do this. Get the rottweiler on your case.
As for him keeping his kids maintenance....words fail me! Outrageous!
Please tell us you won't be meeting him to beg permission to go university and to get his approval for your financial arrangements! Who does he think he is?

No of course he can't prove you are unfit! Debt just shows how terrible it is that he's not paying his fair share for the children. Putting maintenance in a joint account he can use, FFS - what on earth were those mediators on?!

He can't use debt/finances to prove you're unfit. To get the courts to even consider the possibility there'd have to be some serious welfare issues (neglect, abuse, emotional harm) and even then you'd be given assistance before they would risk doing further harm to the kids by taking them away from everything they know.

Do you think you're just so used to being under his control during the marriage that you're finding it hard to believe that you could be free of him without having to follow his every whim? I'm just amazed that you're taking him seriously tbh - he sounds like a complete loon and you sound perfectly sane!

are mediators regulated? Because if so I would seriusly consider lodging an official complaint about the manner in which the mediation was conducted.

How much debt you are in has no bearing on your suitability as a parent. Besides you said there was debt incurred re the house so he has debt too does he not?

I would send his name and address to the CSA tbh.

Oh and yeah I was told by someone to stick with solicitor as needed a 'rottweiler' but honestly he makes me so uncomfortable.

I supsect he makes you uncomfortable because you are so unhappy about standing up for yourself and so your ex and even your MIL walk all over you. I think that's exactly why you need someone assertive and strong who is completely on your side. It's not exactly going well without him is it? With you constantly worried about your ex taking the kids and your getting more and more into debt while he swans about paying no maintenance?

I don't think you need a rottweiler Lunavix - I think you need someone who's reasonable but firm so that if the worse comes to the worse and you have to go to court, you don't have someone stirring it up which can make you look worse ime or at least put you on a par with your ex which is not good.

Resolution is an organisation which family lawyers can join to follow non-confrontational principles which follow the law society protocol - i.e. don't encourage antagonism etc. You could try searching there if the other website I linked to is no good.

You should shop around until you find someone you're comfortable with I think

I wonder if he is an unreasonable lawyer though or just a determined and assertive one? After all, if you think it's OK to let your ex comb through your finances in order to check it's ok for you to go to university, chuck you out of your house, then tell you you can only get a divorce if he chooses to divorce you for adultery, then I think anyone who says different could be seen as aggressive.
You sound to me as if you just feel uncomfortable with assertiveness around him full stop. I think you need someone to be assertive on your behalf. You have done enough mediating and compromising and look where it's got you. YOu need to get tough.

He would have to prove you were a totally crap mother to get residency off of you and even social services have to work hard to prove that! Courts will not want to take children away from their home (who ever they live with, it would be the same if it is the father) because it is unsettling to them and they have to prove it is more in their interest to move than to stay with the resident parent.

Forget CAB! You want a solicitor!

For two children he should be paying 20% of his earnings to you. As someone else said even if you were a multi-millionaire and he was on the dole, you would still get £5 per week from him. It would be taken from his benefit if he didn't comply.

(I hit post before I meant to, but have seen loads of posts since I opened this thread and decided to read them before writing any more)

In answer to the comments about how long you need to wait for him to have no option, it goes like this:

Two years, divorce on grounds of separation, with consent.
Five years, divorce on grounds of separation without consent.

My OH is going through a similar thing as his XW has refused to sign before and now he's past five years we're trying to get the money together to try again.

lunavix, would your new partner be willing to go with you to the solicitor? My partner is quite laid back and quiet and easily walked over. His solicitor is good and quite assertive, he needs me there because otherwise he won't speak up for himself. While she's not at all unreasonable he will leave things out because XW wouldn't like it.

Don't let him look at your finances, they're none of his business and the child benefits are exactly that! They're not for him to use however he likes (especially as you're not getting maintenance!) He should also, as well as paying you, be paying for things for the kids, it doesn't exempt him if he was paying from taking them out on his own money or buying them things!

(sorry for the over use of ! but I feel for you)

ah sorry luna, I didn't know the back story re the mediation etc - I can't give you any other advice on here, apart from your X will threaten to use the kids, and you might not want the hassle - but tbh this is about your the getting what's entitled to them.

I don't see how he's enetiled to the child benefits etc as the resident parent it should be down to you. your finances are nothing to do with him.

get another solicitor and tell them what you've told us, tell them mediation you were not happy with and you're not prepared to give as much as you have.

Agree with the others maint. is something he should sort out. but as I say I do understand your reasoning - he is however using the whole thing as a way to have a 'hold' and control over you.

oh and fwiw I think any 'parent' who emotionally blackmails their X using the child well - they're not much of a parent really are they. empty threats is all it is - to prove you an unfit mother he'd have to work pretty damn hard, and a few debts is not enough.

will be tough but you can do it.

You can get a divorce immediately by going with unreasonable behaviour. You don't have to prove anything. Basically if you find his behaviour unreasonable, you get a divorce.
If he takes you to court over the childminder (if he can find a lawyer who doesn't mind being bollocked by the judge for wasting court time) he will appear, the judge see the childminder is registered with Ofsted can do your hours and is and local,and will say to your dh 'why are you wasting my time with this? Go away'. It will be over very quickly and you can represent himself. He is being mad and unreasonable, and I really think you need to put your separation on a proper legal footing - ie get divorced.