Please talk to me about debt management programmes - I'm in shock - HELP!

[Trusthasgone]

I wasn't sure if this should go here or in relationships because, to be honest, I'm now coping with both being seriously b***ed
Obviously this is a name change, mainly because I am so very embarrassed over the whole situation.
In a nutshell, yesterday I discovered that DH has been lying to me about our finances for pretty much 10 years. We have managed to run up huge debts. He didn't want to tell me because he 'didn't want me to worry' Yeah, because I don't feel like a complete idiot and naive fool now do I?
So, he has seen a financial advisor (I do realise amid all the anger and hurt I feel at the moment that he is trying to do the right thing)and they have suggested a debt management program. I know nothing about these, he has always dealt with the finances (or, obviously he hasn't)so I'm completely in the dark.
Has anyone ever been on a DMP? What does it entail? Exactly how mucked up will my credit history be? Are there any other options?
On the other side of things, how will I ever trust him again? I feel a complete fool and it was only because the kids would have missed him that I let him come home last night after all this blew up Does it signify the end of our marriage as I know it?

Sorry this ended up to be so rambling and long but I'm so embarrassed that I can't talk to anyone in RL.

Sorry to hear this

DMPs vary. They key to a good one is getting all the creditors to freeze interest, so that your payments reduce your debts.

I'll post more in a sec.

Thank you Lou, I feel such a dullard for not knowing a thing.

There are benefits and downfalls to DMPs. Benefits are the reduced payments and longer terms. Downfalls are that there is nothing to stop the companies changing their minds.

Oh dear god, where on earth would we get the money from if they changed their minds? I really think I may be very sick soon.

If you go to a company to manage your DMP, they will handle everything, but take a fee out of your payments. How much debt are you talking about? How many creditors? Salary? all rogh figures ok, don't feel you have to answer, but might help.

There are lots of options, don't panic!

I know all in all it is about 45K, the rest I do not know. I know I should ask DH but at the moment I am so mad that I can't trust myself to speak to him without ripping his head off.

Basically your first steps are:

• Know your income, including all sources.
• Know your outgoings.
• Go to this link to work out your overspend.

www.moneysavingexpert.com is a minefield of info and forums on all things moneysaving. It will be essential that you and your DH team up & no secrets. Trust will start here.

Thank you lou - I now just need to calm down enough to have a profitable conversation. I'll show DH the link and get him to fill it in with me. Thank you

This happened to me too, except that eventually it split us up. I took out a loan for him after we had split and he only ever paid some of it back. I had to remortgage my house(which thankfully I'd got him to sign over to me...he'd never made a contribution btw)to cover the loan as I couldn't make the monthly payments. His debt when we split was around £38K and I'd bailed him out to the tune of around £20K even before we married...I thought he'd be responsible once he had a mortgage and I'd set him straight financially HUH! Oh, and he had absolutely nothing to show for it. He'd buy stuff, get bored in a few weeks and either sell for a few quid or give it away.

Faced with it again, I'd never help anyone again. I have built my life up to what it is now(not great, but no debt)and I'm determined that no one will undermine it again.
I know this is no help to you, but just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and you can take control. Perhaps see a financial advisor. Have ALL your paperwork available and try to make sure H has nothing hidden away that he's not told you about.
You can get through it if you are strong enough to take control and he is strong enough to let you, but trust is earned...do you think he can earn it back from you? would you always be worrying or wondering?
I hope it works out for you.x

If you have a surplus after essentials, and debt payments, you can overpay. Goto this calculator to work out where to overpay first. If your credit rating is good you can switch credit cards to interest free.

If you have a surplus after essentials, but can't make the payments, then DMP or IVA can be options. Essential to get impartial advice from CCCS or National Debt Line. Sorry for slow trickle. Typing onne handed while feeding DD.

Thanks Lou, that looks good, I'm saving all these links!
Solo - we've been together for so long (since being just kids really) that I'm really in a fuddle. He's not the type to lie and deceive - well, I always though he wasn't. I love him so I do think I can trust him again, but I think it is going to be a painful journey. this is a new experience for me. I'm used to just blindly trusting him.

If you have no surplus after essentials, your options are more limited.

this is the beginning, not the end. You will survive this. DH & I filed bankruptcy in Jan 2007, and haven't looked back.

Trusthasgone, in my opinion you need to make sure that this isn't about blame. It sounds like you blindly trusted him, and he has felt too much responsibility and couldn't cope with the finances. He hasn't set out to harm you, he just hasn't been able to face your situation. I suspect he may have felt that he needed to keep up the standards you are used to.

If you want to get through this, you need to agree that from now on you are partners in dealing with your finances. This will build trust between you, and each of you will be able to make decisions on spending in full knowledge of your financial state.

Lou, thank you. It's good to hear that there can be a positive end. I really appreciate all your advice. x

No problem. I don't mean you can't roast his balls though! Just do it lovingly

I think the answer then as you still love the man, is to learn quickly and take control of the finances so that you know that the debts/bills etc are being paid. You will have to pull your belts in very tight which wont be easy in the current credit climate, but as long as you have a roof over your heads and food in your bellies, you can survive I think. Freecycle is good for clothes and electricals that need replacing. You aren't alone, there are many, many people that are suddenly thrust into the realisation that they are in debt because of the selfish stupidity of someone they trusted. Stay strong Honey.

I think I looked into seeing an Insolvency Practitioner, but he wouldn't. He wanted to work extra to pay it off. He never did

I'm going out now, but will check this thread later. See how you get on with the moneysaving expert site. You might find the debt-free wannabe section on the forum helpful. It might even compete with MN for your time, once you get the bug!

Lou - yes, a good roasting is in order!
Solo - the credit crunch had me worried anyway, now I just feel sick. My poor children. At least he has sought help, hopefully it will iyswim.

Good advice Lou.
I think I'm still bitter...

Good luck Trusthasgone.xx

Thank you ladies -it really helps to get some perspective on all this. x