Frustrated by partner's lack of financial contribution and lack of drive.

[Springged]

When I met my partner 15 years ago I thought he was pretty driven but I’ve come to realise that’s not the case.

We started our professions on similar salaries and mine is now almost x 3 what he earns because I’ve worked hard and made strategic job changes. He, on the other hand, likes the easy life, he only does what’s needed and, when he’s had to change roles, goes for low salaries in small companies with no career progression.

I’m getting very frustrated and concerned now.

Since having children 12 years ago I’ve carried most of the financial burden (we’re not married so largely separate finances). Even when I didn’t earn much more than him I paid the lions share of childcare, paid for emergencies like builders, new washing machine etc. Now I’m responsible for all holidays, all children’s clothes and uniforms, all treats, I’ve paid for three house renovations, the car, all unexpected expenses, pretty much everything outside his share of the mortgage, house bills and food.

He promised me 2 years ago that he would get a better paid job to take some of the responsibility off me but has done very little and has only applied for a small handful of roles.

He blames a bad experience with a previous job for a lack of confidence but that was a 6 month role 12 years ago and I’m quickly losing patience with this.

After a row last month he updated his CV and told me he was determined to change roles but I found the CV on his desk yesterday, incomplete and he’s done nothing.

I’ve also found out that, despite assuring me it was ring fenced, he’s spent all of the money his parents recently gave him and now he’s well in to his overdraft. He blames the cost of living but I’m paying for most things, we spend minimally on the food shop so it’s pretty stable and his other expenses haven’t changed.

He’s 45 and has no savings, pays minimally in to his pension and every month I’m having to make up the shortfall from him to care for our kids.

I earn well (not excessively) but feel like I’m financially a single parent and I worry about money every day. I’m also saving for university for the kids on my own but every time I have to pay his share I’m taking money out of that fund.

Anyone else in a similar position or can advise how to motivate him? I’m aware I’m losing patience and can’t stand the thought of having to financially support him for his whole life when he makes so
little effort.

Unfortunately if married you’ll be liable for debts accrued during the marriage when it comes to the divorce settlement

He needs a wake up call. Try doing Rebel Finance Scholl with him. At 45 he's basically got 10 years until age discriminatory employers start to roll out redundancies and its much harder to find a job. Do you have a joint plan for gliding into retirement? As at your age that's really what you need to be focusing on but it sounds like you are just fire fighting. Rather than micro managing him to do steps, sit down and go through long term figures of when you can likely retire. If you're not on the same page long term financially I can't see how you have a future. If he's not inspired to act then you have the answer.

I don’t think this is true.

Sadly it is
length of marriage impacts the extent to which

It depends on what it was spent on and proving it. Several lads holidays in Las Vegas wouldn't be a marital debt. Food shop, kids clothes or a necessary family car would be. A porche or expensive hobby cycles wouldn't.

@Springged You say he is your best friend but you are not his. He doesn't give a stuff about you or the children, and you are handing out money to a lazy and selfish adult which could go towards the children. For starters close the bank of mum (you) and get him to step up and pay his share. He won't, but maybe it will wake you up enough to get rid of this waster. And check his accounts - it's either gambling or onlyfans/porn . He's basically been stealing money off the children.

Sadly there’s no exclusion for debts relating to personal spend in a marriage.

so in your example… the Porsche would be a shared asset AND if there was an outstanding debt on it… a shared liability

Get out before this government does something ridiculous with living together legislation

It's not good for your children to have this waster sponging off you - and all that wasted money could've been invested for them! If not you then he could prioritise the kids

But he doesn't

If you found out the money has been spent on drugs or prostitutes or something, would you feel differently?

I think you're currently in denial because of the whole sunk costs thing

But the best time to break up is right now

Chuck him out!

He won't change.

You've talked and talked and talked and talked but it's made no difference.

You've got angry, you've got sad, you've pointed out numbers and finances and bills and the stress on you and it's made no difference.

He got money from his parents and instead of putting it into some kind of shared pot, he spent it.

Asking him to change is futile. The only thing you can change is whether you're prepared to put up with this for the next 30 years and support him with your savings, your pension, your house equity.

He doesn't even save for the children!

How are you not kicking him out on his ear?

If you don't want to leave him, what do you want people to say? There's absolutely nothing you can say or do to motivate him. He's a grown man. If he wanted to change, he would. He's a lazy liar who takes you for granted and will continue to do so. (Divorce isn't disastrous for kids, by the way. Living with parents who don't respect one another, on the other hand...)

Why would it matter if he wants to get married if op doesn't want to be married to him
It' sounds like she needs to leave him not entangle herself further

Why are you in a long term relationship with fundamentally separate finances for a start? Honestly, he doesn't sound like he's going to pull a rabbit out of the hat at 45 and suddenly catch up with you. It's hard to comment without knowing the numbers but frankly if you think he's a waster it doesn't really matter whether or not he really is right? If you're not happy, you're not happy and should make plans.

Agreed. I’d be tempted to motivate him out the door.

Yes but even finances aside - doesn’t sound like there’s much love between this pair anyway.

The op has posted in the past basically identically. Gets the same advice. Doesn’t do anything.

He’s not your friend, he’s a leech. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

He better be exceptional at sex because otherwise I honestly do not understand what you’re getting out of this. He’s been taking advantage of you for over a decade.

I've been pondering on this and you could also if you flip the sexes equate this to a marriage where the husband is the primary earner and the spouse is not, but is cruising along comfortably in a part time role past the point where it is strictly necessary while he does 50% of the childcare/housework etc. As a consequence family finances are tight and HE is feeling the strain.

On MN, she unless she argues that he works ludicrous hours, doesn't pull his weight at home and spends the weekend golfing/cycling/gaming would have her arse [on occasion] handed to her by some mumsnetters. It's rare but it does happen, we'd all love a pressure less existence.

You don't comment about your marriage generally but other than in this issue is it happy? Does he pull his weight domestically and with the kids? Does he go above and beyond so that you can work late to be the success that is holding the family finances together? Because I have a spouse who was long term unemployed by the time covid ended and has done nothing but take on 80% of it all and help me to be successful in my career when he couldn't. But I totally felt the strain and pressure of it nonetheless. Being the sole earner can make you feel like you are on a horrible treadmill until I gave my head a wobble.

So I sat him down and said I wanted to sell the house and buy something more modest as soon as we could get a reasonable offer for it. There was a choice, house or continuing with private schools but I wasn't up for the pressure of doing both anymore.

So if you don't want to split up [which is fine - it doesn't have to be a LTB situation if he's not a shit] you have choices. Lay them out. Take the pressure off yourself for holidays and house renovations. If you don't want that, then don't do it. He will either see the writing on the wall [tell me how I know this] and make something happen; or you will all adjust accordingly and life will be a bit different but you will be in a better place.

But if you want the great house, the amazing holidays and a whole lot of things that he is not prepared to work for, then your choice is to leave. To be honest given his debts and inability to manage money or account for where it has gone, and spank it up the wall before covering his share of basic household costs he doesn't sound like a keeper to me BUT, in my experience if you are going to make threats you have to be prepared to act on them.

“I’m quickly losing patience with this.”

Blimey OP, what’s your idea of losing patience slowly?! It’s been YEARS of this!

OP's husband isn't facing the same career hurdles as the average working mother would be facing or the same systemic disadvantages.

He isn't making any effort to earn more, nor is he making an effort to save or invest.

I'd be surprised if he is taking on a greater share of housework and mental load than the OP.

I don't think it's a comparable situation to the common situation in which a woman bears most of the responsibility of the household whilst simultaneously holding down a job and being the go-to parent for all things child-related.

At some point he needs to grow up and think about taking on some more of the load rather than choosing the path of least stress for himself - he is actively choosing jobs with low prospects and with 20 years experience should be vastly outearning his starting salary by now

I haven’t posted about this in the past at all- you’ve mixed me up with someone else.

Thanks for your reply. I know a lot of people are telling me to kick him out but life really isn’t as simple as that.

To be clear, we’re not married and he does contribute around the house, but not 50% and it’s usually spurred on by me telling him what needs to be done. I’m also the one on the WhatsApp school groups, answering all the school requests, planning for school trips, noticing the kids need new shoes, finding clubs they can join etc etc. However he will take the kids to the evening clubs and sit in the car park for hours waiting for them and he will do more school runs if I have meetings, and fix the broken shower etc.

After a tricky period 2 years ago I pushed that we downsize and move house because of the financial strain on me and the heavy weight of responsibility, and he agreed.

We sat down and I dressed how upset I was and have home options: 1. He move out, we sell the new house and go our separate ways, stressing the kids would be with me because he can’t support them; 2. We rewrite our tendency agreement (tenants in common etc) so that I own a greater proportion of the house. I pay more to the mortgage and he pays more towards supporting the kids. At least then I’m benefitting financially from paying more and can recoup if needed; 3. He gets a new job fast and quickly starts bringing in more income.

I know some will be sceptical and I’m monitoring it closely, but he finally seemed to get it. He’s rewritten his CV, he’s applied for a least 5 full time roles in the last couple of weeks and he’s applying for freelance work to top up his finances and clear debts. He’s spent every evening searching for jobs and he’s aiming for salaries £15 -£20k per annum higher than he previously has.

Any negativity from him about being able to improve the situation I’ve quickly nipped in the bud, and I’m not shying away from pointing out expenses that he should be contributing to, where I previously would have just paid it without comment.

We’ll see. His CV is much better and I’ve told him to practice interview skills.