Frustrated by partner's lack of financial contribution and lack of drive.

[Springged]

When I met my partner 15 years ago I thought he was pretty driven but I’ve come to realise that’s not the case.

We started our professions on similar salaries and mine is now almost x 3 what he earns because I’ve worked hard and made strategic job changes. He, on the other hand, likes the easy life, he only does what’s needed and, when he’s had to change roles, goes for low salaries in small companies with no career progression.

I’m getting very frustrated and concerned now.

Since having children 12 years ago I’ve carried most of the financial burden (we’re not married so largely separate finances). Even when I didn’t earn much more than him I paid the lions share of childcare, paid for emergencies like builders, new washing machine etc. Now I’m responsible for all holidays, all children’s clothes and uniforms, all treats, I’ve paid for three house renovations, the car, all unexpected expenses, pretty much everything outside his share of the mortgage, house bills and food.

He promised me 2 years ago that he would get a better paid job to take some of the responsibility off me but has done very little and has only applied for a small handful of roles.

He blames a bad experience with a previous job for a lack of confidence but that was a 6 month role 12 years ago and I’m quickly losing patience with this.

After a row last month he updated his CV and told me he was determined to change roles but I found the CV on his desk yesterday, incomplete and he’s done nothing.

I’ve also found out that, despite assuring me it was ring fenced, he’s spent all of the money his parents recently gave him and now he’s well in to his overdraft. He blames the cost of living but I’m paying for most things, we spend minimally on the food shop so it’s pretty stable and his other expenses haven’t changed.

He’s 45 and has no savings, pays minimally in to his pension and every month I’m having to make up the shortfall from him to care for our kids.

I earn well (not excessively) but feel like I’m financially a single parent and I worry about money every day. I’m also saving for university for the kids on my own but every time I have to pay his share I’m taking money out of that fund.

Anyone else in a similar position or can advise how to motivate him? I’m aware I’m losing patience and can’t stand the thought of having to financially support him for his whole life when he makes so
little effort.

I’m livid and exhausted. I’ve left the house to get some space, not before telling him just how disappointed I am with him. I’m not sure anything will change- we’ve had rows about this before but I stressed to him that my tolerance has gone.

He claims we didn’t agree that the money would be ring-fenced which makes things worse because I stressed this to him over and over again and checked in regularly to make sure it was still there.

Everyone saying kick him out- it’s his house as well, it would be disastrous for the kids (and we have one child who has some difficulties) and he’s my best friend.

I could bail him out but he’s been given money before and always ends up spending it on day to day expenses.

What’s also frustrating is that he’s not stupid and he has earning potential (has a masters degree and 20 years experience) but refuses to leave the comfortable to push himself.

Also, the people asking if I’ve posted this before, no, but I suppose there’s some comfort that I’m not the only one.

We haven’t married because I wanted to stay financially independent and not be responsible for handing half of everything if we broke up (my airways also have a terrible marriage) but the irony is that I’ve ended up financially responsible anyway and the government are consulting on changing cohabiting rules to make the better-off partner financially responsible for supporting the other if they break up.

Stop treading water with him.
Lay out the facts to him.

Possibly give him until year end to shape up and if not, come January, kick him
out.

Meanwhile get some legal advice and get a plan in place.
IF you weren’t married, we’d be telling you he’s basically a “cock lodger.”

Frankly I couldn’t be arsed with what you’re putting up with. I don’t mean to be harsh but maybe it’s time for you (or him on the job search front) to grow a backbone? Just get on with it. 💐

If the poster was male he'd be crucified by now for this one.

OP, it's a bit late in the day but he needs to contribute proportionally to the bills and equally to the chores.

If he can't or won't your options are limited but if you resent him that much the real answer is to part company.

Simply. Tell him you want to split and you will buy him out of his share of the mortgage and if you can't, then it will have to be sold. Make some calls to the bank. If you have documented what you've invested in the house you may be able to negotiate a bigger percentage but it depends on the legal agreement you signed when you bought together.

He's not your best friend, he's using you for an easy ride much like his employer and the sooner you wake up to that the better. It won't be disastrous for the kids, their lives will change but that is not on you.

I would start by calling in some EA's to get the house valued and see if that wakes him up a bit.

In the meantime, cancel all discretionary spending and start saving. Is the car in your name if you've paid for it?

For once it’s good you’re not married. Keep your finances separate. Stop subsidising him. Put more of the children’s expenses onto him. See a lawyer about the division of any joint assets.

As long as you are making his life comfortable he has no incentive to change.

The difference is that a woman who barely earns any money is usually doing the lion’s share at home.

Get the house sold, or buy him out if you didn't ring fence all the money you poured into it.

No 'best friend' would use anyone the way this man is using you.

It sounds totally loveless and a very unhappy family home even when finances aren’t considered

well, it would be disastrous for the kids

how so? This home life sounds awful for them too

How much money did he receive?

I agree with previous posters. If he had money from his parents and doesn’t contribute what has he spent it on. Something doesn’t add up.

Yes gambling problem springs to mind if you can’t see what he’s spent this ring fenced money on.

I love my best friend to bits, but would never want to be financially linked to them or live with them. I have different requirements of my partner. Even if you have equal home ownership, you would.lose more by staying linked if there is a mortgage, than cutting your losses now. He is not going to become what you want so you either live with and subsidise that, or throw him back.

He might be your best friend but you are definitely not his. I would really despise someone attached to me because I make his life financially easier, and there’s nothing in your ops that disproves that’s not what he’s doing.

Also, him saying that you together didn’t decide (in his mind) that for once his money was the family money is such a sign of him not gaf about his family needs. Talk about what a good husband and parent he isn’t.

this is why i don’t go with the ‘marry before you have kids’ mumsnet mantra. i was in a similar position, didn’t marry and boy am i glad about it!
10 years later he still can’t hold down a job for more than 5 minutes, doesnt pay child maintenance and is poncing off his ex wife before me (i kid you not) while she works her nuts off to keep him and her children from her second marriage. meanwhile i only have myself to answer to, flying high professionally, financially secure and my pension is 100% mine all mine.
he won’t change op. either accept it or get rid of him. reasoning, pleading or praying for an enlightenment that will never come is wasted time and energy.

I think the replies would be different too. No one would think less of a woman who couldn't match her husband's salary.
Is he running out of money because the outgoings are too much for a smaller salary OP? I know you're paying for all the extras, but does he actually earn enough to pay a contribution to the mortgage and bills? The mortgage someone takes out as a high earner is very different to what someone on minimum wage would be taking.

Everyone saying kick him out- it’s his house as well, it would be disastrous for the kids (and we have one child who has some difficulties) and he’s my best friend

First of all, he is not your best friend. He treats you like a cash cow and couldn’t care less that you are exhausted, livid and at the end of your rope.

Second, leaving him would definitely not be ‘disastrous for the kids’. The current situation is infinitely worse for them than being brought up by a competent single mum who is focused on what is best for them.

Educate yourself - Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor websites. Seek competent legal advice from a family solicitor who is experienced in dealing with cases of high earning wives.

Accept that you may be financially poorer in the short term, but you will feel infinitely better without this deadweight of a partner rubbing his incompetence and contempt in your face every single day.

How do you own the house? Do you mean it’s owned equally by each of you?

Been there and it didn’t work out. I explained to my ex that I needed to see some effort into getting a job, contributing to costs and even a little helping around the house but after two years of delay tactics from him and building resentment from me I had to ask him to leave. Over time things had got worse depute promises. We were in our 50s and he had no pension other than the state pension. There was no way I was happy to support him with my hard worked for pension. It was time to pull the plug. I can’t describe what a massive relief it was in the end.

Blimey, sounds like my STBExH. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

Does he want to get married?

You’re a single parent and he’s one of your children. He won’t get better, if he wanted to he’d have done something about it by now.

OP this was me. For years . He moved out last weekend and it is horrendous but I know I will be so much better off in all ways in the end.

Turns out the little money he earnt snd contributed.. well a big chunk went on onlyfans and more.

I would never have dreamt that in a million years.

So I was killing myself paying for everything and his attitude was - well we are in debt anyway so what does it matter.

at least now we are separated I will be able to get out of debt . And I will have savings. And holidays again