How much financial support do you give once your children turn 18?

[etchedinstone]

Just after a bit of perspective really. Dd is 18 and hopefully going to uni in September. Obviously we will give her what student finance expect, which is about 5.5k a year. We’ll help more if we can but I was hoping to start paying off debt /saving at some point as well. She also has a £20k trust fund to help her through uni.

She is going on 2 post-A level holidays (and our family holiday). We’ve obviously paid for the family holiday but have also paid for one of the other holidays, which was 1K. She paid for the other herself and I’m expecting her to use her money from part time job/savings/ trust fund for spending money.

However, she appears to be the only one of her friends in this position, with parents bankrolling everything. Quite a few don’t have part time jobs and no intention of getting one as parents give them so much money. They have a summer of even more holidays/ trips than my ‘3 holidays daughter’ (which I would have bitten someone’s hand off for at her age). My dd is also one the few who doesn’t have her own car (although full use of mine, which I paid an extra 1K insurance on).

Anyway, I sway between thinking this is bloody ridiculous and she’s really lucky that we give her this and also it’s important to have a job and realise the value of money. Then I feel a bit guilty that she’s hard done by compared to her friends.

Do parents really continue to fund the lifestyle of their kids well into their 20s and not expect them to work? My parents were lovely but I had my last family holiday at 16, paid for holidays/cars/insurance myself after that and worked part-time all the way through uni.

Ha! Ds asked if were we going to do that thing that all the parents do - asking for weekly rent and then giving it back! They are not dumb!

In my opinion asking for rent as a way of masking saving is transferring the responsibility and not teaching self-discipline that is required for saving, onto the parents. Just saying imo that is not teaching independence it's the very opposite, it's infantilising, you don't trust them to save so you do it for them.

The answer to that is “no”. Technically, the money is yours. If something bad happens to you financially, the money is yours, to use as required. So he may never see it if you need it.

My two also had their eyes opened with regards to finances and budgeting when dd was in her GCSE year and ds was in Year 9. Dh was taken seriously ill and had over 6 months off work. For a long period of that time we thought he may never work again (and a very scary time when we thought we might lose him.) We went from a fairly well off dual income family with two kids at private school (albeit one was on a 50% bursary & ds had decided to move schools anyway) to having to seriously look at costs. The fact that we had savings meant that we didn't panic.

But if they assume/suspect that you are doing the saving for them - that reduces the incentive to save.

We all make our own choices and live with the consequences, good and bad. I just don't get call forcing them to pay rent and then giving it back "independence training" - clearly everyone has their own view on this.

When you ASSUME, you make as ASS out of U and ME.

V clever! Not keen on being challenged are you?

None as he makes far more money than me but I give him financial advice which is really important

@U53rName Apologies for my snippy comment - other shit going on, not a good day for me. I shall retreat gracefully.

My eldest dd (22) now pays "board" as she works ft.
She will not be getting it back!
It helps pay for the huge food bill each month!
I gave her my old car 2 years ago (worth about £6k)
She has an ISA.
She is planning on moving out next summer.
We gave her an allowance when she was at uni as she only got basic MLoan.
She worked every summer holiday (ft at some points).
We've helped her as much as we could.
We now have dd2 probably going to uni next year 😬

I mean any DCs…if their DPs haven’t said that they will help with a deposit and they assume that the DP will.

The saying goes…

When you ASSUME, you make an ASS out of U and ME.

(You used the term “DC may assume” in your post.)

My DD is 17 soon to be 18 and has just finished school. She is starting uni in September, and will still be living at home.
She has no trust fund and we live pretty much month to month in a comfortable home.
She works hard at her part time job though, and any money she earns from that covers the cost of her clothes, driving lessons, gigs, holidays. She is welcome to live rent free in our home for as long as she likes, but any additionals she pays for herself. Outwith the family holiday which I have paid for. She is a grafter and puts the hours in to get her spending money, I think it’s set her up with a good work ethic.

DD is a year older. She doesn't work during term time, but works in Macdonalds during the holidays. We didn't fund holidays before university (there were three).
We did buy absolutely everything DD needed for university, including a new laptop and pay her phone bill.
We took DD her to Costco and Ikea fairly regularly for non perishable supplies. We helped financially and paid for the train or drove her home.
DD never wanted a car at her university on a large city centre campus. She is insured on my car. We paid for everything to pass her test, as we had earlier for her DBs. I think it's it as a life skill.

Still helping mine at 29 & 27. Supported both thru Uni. Paid for half of DD wedding. Paid half of DS deposit on his first home. Have lent both significant sums when needed. TBH, I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel lucky that I've been able to do this. I have a few lump sums coming my way in the next few years, and will gift them some more then.

When mine were at Uni I covered their living costs, so topped up whatever loan they had so their rent was paid and sent £50pw for food. I also bought thr books/equipment they needed for the course.

One found £50 was more than enough for his needs. The other needed PT work to support his lifestyle.

I always expected that they'd "cost" during uni years.

My Ds will be 18 soon and going to uni in sept. The student loan will only cover his accommodation. Am hoping he’ll get a job but I think we’ll need to help him with living expenses. He did have a small bit of money but can barely seeing that lasting more than a year. I envisage well need to support for some time yet (he’s the eldest). We’re paying for driving lessons but he’ll get use of our 2nd car when home if he ever is given a test date at all!!

Here's my view:
I borrowed money off my parents at uni (about 1k/year), and I paid every single penny back, because that's what was expected (my parents are well off, but made it very very very clear that they thought I shouldn't need to borrow any money because I was getting student loan)

My other half was bank rolled by parents the whole way through, car, holidays etc etc

We have the same (well paid) job and therefore the same wages. We are now in our 30s with kids.

OH has no money, no savings.

I have a substantial amount of savings and investments

My take on this is that having noone bank rolling me taught me the value of money, so I never waste it, and therefore have amassed savings.

OH didn't get taught this valuable lesson and is now literally paying the price, as he now realises that money doesn't grow on trees, which is hard to learn once you have kids, a mortgage, a broken boiler etc etc, and are strapped for cash every month because life got very expensive very quickly now that kids are on the scene.

Everyone is different tho! We are all chiselled from our own experiences. And money is such a difficult subject to talk about so we all have these pent up feelings and frustrations about it

I will be helping my kids at Uni because my experience was pretty bad and too extreme... I was made to feel shame by my parents when I asked for financial help, even though I was working multiple jobs while doing an exceptionally demanding uni course where they recommended we didn't have part time jobs.

Haha that probably enough for now, congratulations if you read this far!!!