I made it work by having a less nice life than you do. That’s not a dig, I had no choice. I left my husband who refused to pay child maintenance and then died. I had a business making £25k which I kept going because it was WFH and flexible and my child never slept and turned out to be disabled. And I shrank my life to fit my bills.
I kept a low mortgage (£500) because I lived in a two bed cottage heated only by a woodburner. I didn’t have more children or renovate. I didn’t go out or date. I didn’t have a job or a lifestyle that needed childcare or meant anyone else did anything for my child ever. (Hence needing the flex) days out were national trust (and other super low cost local things) with picnics and hot chocolates in a flask. I carried home made snacks EVERYWHERE. Holidays were me towing a caravan around the UK house sitting friends animals (and doing all the things I did at home with fewer facilities, plus their chores) magic was dinosaurs making messes in the night and letters from the tooth fairy, letting her light fires and use knives (and watching her like a hawk) and making unicorn shaped pizza with her. Everything needed ME to do prep work and clean up and Be There and pretend it was fun. Everything made a mess. I was on the PTA and went to every damn school thing. I made homemade pizza every Sunday. We ate out at pizza express once a month and had chips in the park on Fridays and I cooked sausage or fish-fingers at home to go with them. We never had new anything, made do with hand me downs and marketplace and I had few clothes. I never had a car newer than 10 years old. I sold everything we no longer needed. My luxury was a sausage roll and feeding the animals at the farm shop on a Saturday and blessed, wonderful Ocado.
Basically, I had less, did less and worked harder at it than someone with more money would. There was almost no ease or convenience and almost nothing I didn’t need. Pre covid, you could live pretty well on £25k with a little kid if you worked at it. I still live on £25k a year but now, the treats have all gone. Partly because my kid is a teen and doesn’t want those things, and partly because my bills except my mortgage have doubled or tripled. I used buy whatever the fuck I wanted from Ocado - steak, strawberries, anything. My limit was £50 a week. I couldn’t stick to that in Aldi now and we don’t eat much meat, let alone steak.
I realise that you have more people, and probably higher housing costs. Some of those costs are proportionally double, but not all and some are less per person. Assuming a family of four, they aren’t double. You could be a sahm on £44k, because I’m still living on £25k, but you likely couldn’t live like you do now. You’d probably qualify for benefits and I don’t. But you couldn’t keep the same lifestyle. You’d likely need to drop to one older car, for example, and move to smaller house or a cheaper area. There is no shame in wanting some luxury, ease and convenience in life. I did it because I had to. I mostly enjoyed it and I have no regrets. But I had a lot less and did more work than if I’d been able to work and earn money. That was a choice, and that’s how it looked.
It’s not a choice everyone has. If I’d had to meet a husbands needs as well, I likely would have burnt out and not been able to make magic at home. Then I’d have felt guilty and had to buy in magic and likely childcare. If I’d already had more kids or pets our food would have been worse quality (and that’s my thing, so I wouldn’t have compromised there) if my health had been as poor as it is now, I couldn’t have put in the work. I’m not saying there isn’t a floor or it’s the same for all. Just that you can’t live in £44k and have the same life you have now, which is what you’d really like to hear, and that it’s ok to want that.