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Original poster

Brother's debt

45 replies

DBroDebts · 22/01/2026 19:25

DB and I are both in our mid-thirties. We are pretty close.

Over christmas he had a few drinks and told me that he has a bit of debt. Anyway, as the conversation moved on it turned out he has about 70k of debt not including cars or mortgage. All on credit cards, loans and, in once instance, some money a mate has loaned to him.

He has nothing substantial to show for the money, basically he just doesn't say "no" to anything that takes his fancy day to day. He buys meals out, champagne, craft beers, new clothes, new furniture, big days out for the kids, new toys and gadgets and so on.

I have a rough idea of his household income and I would be shocked if it's over 80/90k, which obviously isn't nothing, but doesn't seem enough to support 70k of debt for essentially nothing.

I am aware that this is all his problem and not mine. He hasn't approached me for any money. But in conversations since he is very blasé about his debt. He doesn't have any real plan to pay it down, he's just sort of moving it around. He still has two holidays planned for this year.

I love him and I feel like I can see this disaster coming down the track. He seems to think that, yes debt is bad, but it was largely unavoidable (?!) and most families are carrying some debt.

So I just want a sense check. 70k seems like a huge amount of money vs their income. Or am I out of touch?

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 22/01/2026 19:28

It’s a huge amount and he’s in denial.

ErrolTheDragon · 22/01/2026 19:44

Yes, it’s a big amount.
The world doesn’t owe him all that extra stuff, holidays etc beyond what he can afford on his salary.

I’m sure you’ll have the sense not to lend him anything!

WanderlustMom · 22/01/2026 19:46

70k is a huge amount of debt! I’m 9k in debt (although I will finally be debt free by the end of this year!) and that felt huge to me 🥴

WatalotIgot · 22/01/2026 19:49

No debt now.

ACynicalDad · 22/01/2026 19:51

That's awful and hugely irresponsible, but there is likely very little you can do, though. If he's on that sort of income he should be able to manage.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/01/2026 19:51

That amount?! I wouldn't be able to sleep right. How can he be so blasè?

FateAmenableToChange · 22/01/2026 19:55

Does his wife know? That’s massive and pretty soon he won’t be able to move it around, or borrow more. Then the repayments will become unaffordable and life will fall apart.

Silverbirchleaf · 22/01/2026 19:56

70k is huge. Apart from the mortgage, the biggest debt we’ve had is a car loan.

Until he admits he has a problem, there’s nothing you can do. But don’t loan him anything because he’ll only squander it.

Is he married? Dues his dp know the level if debt?

Original poster
DBroDebts · 22/01/2026 20:02

Thanks for the replies.

I agree there's not a great deal I can do about it. I've sent him details of debt help agencies in England but I'm met with an eye-roll.

OP posts:
Original poster
DBroDebts · 22/01/2026 20:06

He has a wife but she also has expensive tastes. She knows about the debt but isn't doing anything either.

OP posts:
Justdancinginthedark · 22/01/2026 20:08

Is there gambling or coke involved for that amount?

Original poster
DBroDebts · 22/01/2026 20:21

Sorry I don't know how to reply to each post personally.

No, just finding ways to view wants as needs and then never having to say "no" to himself. For instance, "I'm 20 mins away from home and it's lunch time so I need to go to this restaurant" rather than waiting 20 mins to have a sandwich at home. He's a 37 year old man with a beer belly, he would survive the 20 minutes of hunger!

OP posts:
YorkshireGoldDrinker · 22/01/2026 20:32

It sounds like he's got no impulse control when it comes to money. £70k on unsecured debt, ie a mortgage is a secure debt where the house is collateral, is a massive amount of money to owe, especially on credit cards where the APR is often 20% or more. These are not healthy numbers, I'm sorry to say.

Tourmalines · 22/01/2026 20:33

This will catch up with them sooner or later . But don’t bail him out down the track . You will regret it.

OnTheBoardwalk · 22/01/2026 20:36

Has he got a mortgage? How much does he owe and pay on that? And car payments?

£70k is a huge amount of debt that I can’t see anyone being able to pay off

Original poster
DBroDebts · 22/01/2026 20:38

I wont lend him anything.

What happens when reality bites and he can't move it around any more?

OP posts:
Original poster
DBroDebts · 22/01/2026 20:41

He has a mortgage, car payments and childcare costs. I don't know how much it all costs, but it must be a substantial portion of their pay.

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 22/01/2026 20:42

DBroDebts · 22/01/2026 20:38

I wont lend him anything.

What happens when reality bites and he can't move it around any more?

Look up utube , the Ramsey show . Great wealth of knowledge about debt .

Ladyluckinred · 22/01/2026 21:09

Goodness, yes it’s a lot. Especially considering that doesn’t include mortgage or cars! OP, from experience my parents were in this position when I was a teenager. It did catch up with them and our house was repossessed and both had to file for bankruptcy. If he had some sort of plan, it could be manageable, but denial costs a lot!

With that said, OP, you can only offer help. He will have to learn his own way, which sounds like the hard way.

Bjorkdidit · 23/01/2026 07:55

DBroDebts · 22/01/2026 20:38

I wont lend him anything.

What happens when reality bites and he can't move it around any more?

It's likely he'll stop being able to access new credit when they start to fail affordability checks which could be fairly soon. There's another long thread where the OP has been doing similar to your DB and is suddenly facing paying 25% interest on her debts because the 0% offers have dried up.

Then they'll suddenly have to start paying interest, which on £70k, will be a huge amount of money, well over £1k pm. Which will have a double whammy effect because as well as the sudden increase in their monthly outgoings, they'll lose access to the credit that's been topping up their lifestyle for as long as it's taken to get into £70k of debt.

They might also suffer other shocks like coming to the end of a car finance agreement and if they're on PCP deals, having the car taken away and being unable to take out another agreement or pay to keep the car.

If they're 'lucky' enough to be able to remortgage to 'pay off' the debt, then they might be able to carry on a while longer, but if they continue to rack up debt, they could get to the stage where they have a bigger mortgage and debt on top, so at risk of losing their home if they can't keep up with payments. They're also more at risk if they suffer a loss income as the amount of money they need to pay their commitments is obviously bigger.

If he's currently burrowing his head in the sand, you'll just have to leave them to it, they're adults who're responsible for their own choices.

But definitely don't give him any money even if he comes to you with sob stories about not being able to buy food or pay the gas bill, because it sounds like what you need to hear is 'I've spent all my money on a nice lifestyle, so I'd like you to pay for my boring essentials'.

Original poster
DBroDebts · 23/01/2026 09:05

That's petrifying, but not surprising.

OP posts:
SleafordSods · 23/01/2026 09:44

DBroDebts · 22/01/2026 20:38

I wont lend him anything.

What happens when reality bites and he can't move it around any more?

Unfortunately it would usually be bankruptcy, especially of something happened that meant either of them could no longer work for whatever reason

Such an awful risk for his family but I’m not sure what you can do. You’ve probably suggested the usual charities like Stepchange, Christians Against Poverty and Citizens Advice and you’ve vowed to not lend (gift) any money to him, I’m not sure what you can do.

The fact that he’s borrowing from his DFriends is worrying. It would suggest that normal lines of credit are no longer open to him and he has an addiction of sone sort.

SleafordSods · 23/01/2026 14:00

*some sort

InveterateWineDrinker · 23/01/2026 16:59

In my experience when someone is actively borrowing off mates, rather than - say - being remiss about paying back his share of a meal or a joint trip, then that's the sign that they're already running out of easy credit elsewhere. It's a train wreck looking for somewhere to happen. My childhood best friend ended up like this. We don't speak any more and I'll never see my thousands again.

If he's addicted to spending then until he admits there is an the addiction then anything you do to help will simply be enabling it. You'll have to leave him to it.

SleafordSods · 23/01/2026 17:08

InveterateWineDrinker · 23/01/2026 16:59

In my experience when someone is actively borrowing off mates, rather than - say - being remiss about paying back his share of a meal or a joint trip, then that's the sign that they're already running out of easy credit elsewhere. It's a train wreck looking for somewhere to happen. My childhood best friend ended up like this. We don't speak any more and I'll never see my thousands again.

If he's addicted to spending then until he admits there is an the addiction then anything you do to help will simply be enabling it. You'll have to leave him to it.

I’m so sorry you were taken advantage of like this. I think the OP’s DB might similarly be running out of options and softening her up for the big sob story.