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Brother's debt

45 replies

DBroDebts · 22/01/2026 19:25

DB and I are both in our mid-thirties. We are pretty close.

Over christmas he had a few drinks and told me that he has a bit of debt. Anyway, as the conversation moved on it turned out he has about 70k of debt not including cars or mortgage. All on credit cards, loans and, in once instance, some money a mate has loaned to him.

He has nothing substantial to show for the money, basically he just doesn't say "no" to anything that takes his fancy day to day. He buys meals out, champagne, craft beers, new clothes, new furniture, big days out for the kids, new toys and gadgets and so on.

I have a rough idea of his household income and I would be shocked if it's over 80/90k, which obviously isn't nothing, but doesn't seem enough to support 70k of debt for essentially nothing.

I am aware that this is all his problem and not mine. He hasn't approached me for any money. But in conversations since he is very blasé about his debt. He doesn't have any real plan to pay it down, he's just sort of moving it around. He still has two holidays planned for this year.

I love him and I feel like I can see this disaster coming down the track. He seems to think that, yes debt is bad, but it was largely unavoidable (?!) and most families are carrying some debt.

So I just want a sense check. 70k seems like a huge amount of money vs their income. Or am I out of touch?

OP posts:
DeftWasp · 23/01/2026 19:00

DBroDebts · 22/01/2026 20:38

I wont lend him anything.

What happens when reality bites and he can't move it around any more?

Some people crash and burn, others just keep on rolling it over - a good friend of my dad, who was a successful (on the surface) businessman but has a huge amount of debt when I first knew him in his 40's, when he died in his 80's all the debtors had to wait for the executor to unravel it all!

Chinsupmeloves · 23/01/2026 19:42

It's a very big amount amd will only continue to grow unless he reigns his spending in. Xx

ChrisMartinsKisskam · 23/01/2026 19:51

What happens when he wants to remortgage and he can’t due to the amount of debt he has and goes on the banks variable rate and his mortgage goes up by several hundred quid a month

borrowing off friends usually means that the credits dried up from the banks & credit cards

But not your problem
although him telling you probably means he’s gonna touch you up for a few K that he needs cos the kids need xxx

Hellohelga · 23/01/2026 20:07

Honestly there’s not much you can do. My DB ran up debts and lost his house. Now in rented with no savings and no pension. He’s approaching retirement. It’s terrifying.

WhistPie · 23/01/2026 20:48

Meh. His doing. His decisions. His problem.

Dollymylove · 23/01/2026 21:36

DBroDebts · 22/01/2026 20:38

I wont lend him anything.

What happens when reality bites and he can't move it around any more?

Its not your problem. Tell him to speak to Step change. They will help him sort out the mess, if he actually wants to be helped

CoastalCalm · 23/01/2026 23:04

I’ve known people in this situation , unless they change mindset to tackle it head on you’re wasting your time and he shouldn’t have told you. From now on everytime you hear about they’ve done xyz or bought something expensive it will frustrate you especially when they start to complain regularly about debt to you now you’re their confidante

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 23/01/2026 23:09

I felt slightly sick reading that.

He'll probably skiv off paying the full amount back ultimately but he will have to go down an uncomfortable path to get there... declined credit... moving to 25% apr debt management etc.

I'm going to preempt the big crash and say you should be prepared for begging for cash...and unplesantly the "im going to kill myself" type stuff. I'd sign post him to debt management and be prepared....

God I feel for you.

daleylama · 23/01/2026 23:30

DBroDebts · 22/01/2026 20:38

I wont lend him anything.

What happens when reality bites and he can't move it around any more?

Dint let it be made your problem. Meantime, buy out. It's not a problem to them and it's not affecting you

shuffleofftobuffalo · 24/01/2026 08:59

Yes that is a lot of debt. I’d strongly recommend you do not get involved. Don’t send him advice agencies, and definitely do not provide any sort of financial assistance even if it’s buying a weekly shop. You’d only be prolonging the inevitable. He’s already borrowed from his friend and I bet that never gets paid back.

it will unravel at some point - the money from a friend suggests he’s no longer able to get new credit. I bet he has been using one card to pay another already.

Also - why are you worrying about it if he isn’t? Think about it.

Draytoncb · 24/01/2026 09:43

Tourmalines · 22/01/2026 19:28

It’s a huge amount and he’s in denial.

In denial is a polite way of saying idiot. I once spent 7 years living under a false name. I don't recommend it.

Sadworld23 · 24/01/2026 10:26

Hrft but i got myself in £40k debt, 2013 it crashed bc my DP had to leave work through illness and what had been just managed was no longer sustainable. No drink, drugs or gambling involved.

I was advised by HSBC debt advisor to contact Stepchange, which I did and eventually started a DMP which meant I paid off the whole debt but with reduced interest. It took me 8 years and the start was really hard. I could have cut the debts by negotiating but I chose to see it through.
There are ways other than bankruptcy but go into them with your eyes open. MSE forum was a wealth of great advice and helped me with options. Different routes are better in different circumstances.

Skint Dad has a saying that we are one extra bill away from financial crisis and I think that's how alot of people live, and your brother OP, sounds the same.

I try to live a better financial life now, but I would be a serial debtor if I didn't keep a check on it.

DB needs to take steps now to deal with this.

InveterateWineDrinker · 24/01/2026 11:03

@DBroDebts There's near-unanimity on this thread about not getting involved but one thing that has just occurred to me is to wonder whether your parents are still around and whether they know?

When this whole house of cards collapses your DB may go to them for help and with the sums involved, if they are able and willing to help, then as - unpopular an opinion on MN as it is - it kind of becomes your problem too if your parents believe in fairness and treating children equally. It might be worth running this situation by them if it's relevant to your situation.

Ejaculate888 · 24/01/2026 12:35

I would echo the comments about keeping your guard up and not being cajoled, or manipulated into loaning or gifting money, since people only go to friends when the issue is beyond their control, and a traditional lender will not loan, or at a reasonable rate.

Credit card companies are known to check land registry, and upon discovering property ownership, can place a charge on it, without the cardholders' knowledge or consent. This can be so, even if the debt is being serviced. This allows them to pressure a sale, should these debts not be serviced.

From your comments, I sense a palpable denial on the brother's part-rather than desperation to address the issues at hand. Many years ago, I found myself (circumstantially, rather than by design) in considerable debt (£20k unsecured). In these circumstances, people get desperate and tend to drip-feed information, so as to maximise the probability of friends, family etc reciprocating, plugging holes, while not tackling the real debt and wider issues.

I was ultimately rescued by a relative on a once-only "full disclosure" deal i.e. detail everyone owing. The truth, the whole truth, and absolute truth, or so help you God basis essentially. Much of this arose from a loveless and controlling marriage and some bad decisions on my part, the sort that went firmly against my debt-adverse nature.

Something I had to confront at the close of my father's funeral. Having returned to the car, the first words from my then wife's mouth were " Did he leave you any money?" I went hold, cold, numb and largely silent, realising, beyond any doubt that I needed to leave.

There are several points here. Never lend or borrow money unless you are capable of repaying in a reasonable amount of time, or can afford to lose/gift I borrowed hundreds of pounds from friends and was ultimately able to repay, but far later than I'd intended. A recipe for embarrassment and strained relationships. These never fully heal.

People have to confront and actively want to change their circumstances. The brother and sister inn law seem unwilling to do so. They must be left to work a solution together themselves. Otherwise, this will also likely result in a divorce. They may be enabling each other and living in la-la land. Alternatively, your brother may have been pressured down certain financial avenues and "going along with it to keep a sense of peace". However, this doesn't seem so, from the spending habits described. Bottom line. Under no circumstances, no matter how much they plead, do not loan money, or be dragged further down this particular fiscal rabbit hole, for your sake, but also for his.

DBroDebts · 24/01/2026 14:18

Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences or given advice. I wont lend him anything.

Whether our parents know or not is a bit of a grey area. They are aware he has some things out on finance and took a loan to upgrade some of the house (they cautioned against this) but i don't think they know the full extent of the debt.

It isn't my problem to fix, but his nonchalant attitude towards it all almost had me doubting my initial reactions to it all, so I made this post.

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 24/01/2026 14:21

His wife must know. Even if he handles all the finances you know how much things cost

Miloarmadillo2 · 24/01/2026 14:43

My worry would be when it all falls apart your parents will feel they have to bail them out (if they are in a position to do that) rather than see their grandchildren lose their home.

Crosscountryramble · 24/01/2026 14:57

Miloarmadillo2 · 24/01/2026 14:43

My worry would be when it all falls apart your parents will feel they have to bail them out (if they are in a position to do that) rather than see their grandchildren lose their home.

That would be despicable behaviour from your brother. The type of person who expects others to sort out the mess they create and to stoop so low as to use their children as leverage and put your parents in an untenable position. I would cut contact if he did that.

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 24/01/2026 15:03

Miloarmadillo2 · 24/01/2026 14:43

My worry would be when it all falls apart your parents will feel they have to bail them out (if they are in a position to do that) rather than see their grandchildren lose their home.

I was just thnking the same - he will probably go sniffing around your poor parents for a hand out at some point.

Blondiebeachbabe · 24/01/2026 17:30

If a chunk of that is with one lender, then there's a very good chance they might go after his house if he defaults. It's a huge amount. My recommendation would be to get a 2nd mortgage on the house and pay it all back. Mortgage rates are around 4% just now, whereas credit card interest rates are normally around 30%, but can be even higher.

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