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Original poster

Would you divorce over secret debt?

36 replies

WhatAPicklingSituation · 29/12/2025 19:04

Ok I don't know for sure.

When my DH and I first got married, a few months in i started a mortgage application and it got declined. DH had no idea apparently. Anyway bailiffs later turns out he had hidden 9000 debt. He got a DRO...now years later, rebuilt, careers, saving for future...

But his spending habits lately are increasing, i noticed a notification ping up of missed credit card payment, so i snapped at him, sent money to him to pay it. (We have completely seperate banks, nothing in joint names, after that previous event few months into marriage, i just refused to join anything financially)

I noticed he tried to sign up to klarna. I noticed he has deleted all his emails.

Is he relapsing with whatever this is? Is debt already happening? Can i divorce over money or is that silly? How can i see if theres debt? I just can't deal with it again tbh. Its taken years to fix the mess. He was sending money monthly for bills/rent, but thats getting less and less so i am already covering 2/3 and he pays 1/3..I'd rather just be responsible for it all myself tbh, at least i know what im working with...but i would move to a cheaper home for better financial flexibility.

OP posts:
TheHillIsMine · 29/12/2025 19:06

You can divorce over anything you want. I divorced over three sentences my now ex h said to me.

ShesTheAlbatross · 29/12/2025 19:07

Yes I would leave DH over this.

Arthurnewyorkcity · 29/12/2025 19:07

in a heartbeat. Financial security is a must. I couldn't be with a dead weight wondering when they'd pull me down again

Hoppinggreen · 29/12/2025 19:08

Thankfully DH didn't but wee now hav total transparency and I came up with a solution and worked my arse off to not only pay my debts off but to build up our savings
If your H doesn't admit what he did, take steps to make sure he can't do it again and have a plan to fix it then I don't see how you can move forward though
Sounds to me like he has not fixed his issues and will keep doing it

tarheelbaby · 29/12/2025 19:13

I couldn't stay with a man who was racking up debt.

You were/are right to separate your finances from his.

I would quickly divorce to further separate my finances from him.

Then we could be a happy (unmarried) couple. Don't trust him for a second with your finances.

Ponderingwindow · 29/12/2025 19:14

100%

marriage is at its core a business relationship. You get married because it makes sense to work together to build a life. If your business partner was embezzling money or just mismanaging things, you wouldn’t hesitate to end things. It’s more complicated when feelings are involved, but you need to protect yourself.

NessShaness · 29/12/2025 19:16

It’s not “just” the debt though, is it?

It’s the lies, the secrecy, and you paying more than your fair share to cover his arse. I couldn’t respect a man like that.

Nightlight8 · 29/12/2025 19:16

Yes I would. What is he spending on? I would be demanding to see all bank statements. Get him to transfer bills aas soon as he get paid OP. He should be covering half. Does he drink?

drusilla49 · 29/12/2025 19:16

TheHillIsMine · 29/12/2025 19:06

You can divorce over anything you want. I divorced over three sentences my now ex h said to me.

Just out of interest, what were the 3sentences?! I’m struggling to get over something mine said 6 months ago

TinselTina · 29/12/2025 19:19

Yep. I didnt like him anyway so the debts made me say bye bye

FatCatPyjamas · 29/12/2025 19:19

"Can i divorce over money or is that silly?"

It's not just about money, though, is it? It's about responsibility, accountability, honesty and trust.

I ended a LTR for similar behaviours. My only regret is that I gave him more than one chance. The irresponsible spending and the lies to cover it up never stopped.

BlondeBonBon · 29/12/2025 19:23

I wouldn’t tolerate this. I’d divorce him to separate finances (even if we stay together)

Original poster
WhatAPicklingSituation · 29/12/2025 19:26

Nightlight8 · 29/12/2025 19:16

Yes I would. What is he spending on? I would be demanding to see all bank statements. Get him to transfer bills aas soon as he get paid OP. He should be covering half. Does he drink?

He doesnt drink. I want to demand, see whats going on. Because i can't be blindsided again. Its like hes addicted to spending. Last time the debt was on tat, like catelogue books, couple househould bills...it was stupid debt. Like pointless

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 29/12/2025 19:26

Imo this was a mistake on your side

But his spending habits lately are increasing, i noticed a notification ping up of missed credit card payment, so i snapped at him, sent money to him to pay it.

I'd have wanted want full financial transparency, an agreed budget and "full auditing rights"...

I absolutely would divorce if he wouldn't work on it / hand finances over to me / be transparent.

I know i take a hard line but as a child I watched my uncles fuck up their wives and kids lives and swore it wouldn't be me.
We had my uncle, aunt and 3 kids living in our front living room of our 3 bed semi for 9 month as a kid as he gambled.the house out from under them. Horrendous stuff

TheHillIsMine · 29/12/2025 19:29

drusilla49 · 29/12/2025 19:16

Just out of interest, what were the 3sentences?! I’m struggling to get over something mine said 6 months ago

Show quote history

I tried really hard to get passed what he said. In between we had a shocking event. I had to have therapy then it hit me what he said really wasn't okay. This was a few months later and then I wanted a break. He decided we were done but that was fine as it just meant I didn't have to say no to him coming back. I filed for divorce three months later. I can't post on here what he said but it was 100% unforgivable.

happy to listen if you want to PM me.

caringcarer · 29/12/2025 19:32

Without trust you don't have a happy marriage. He's reverting to type. I'd divorce before drags you down and definitely don't have any DC together.

Meadowfinch · 29/12/2025 19:50

You have to protect yourself OP, because no-one else will.

My ex lied about money and his financial situation generally. Fifteen years ago I avoided marriage, bought a house in my name, with a mortgage wholly based on my salary. He wasn't happy about it and it ended our relationship.

Two months ago, he announced his house had been repossessed. He's homeless at the end of his career. Don't let that happen to you.

LadyLolaRuben · 29/12/2025 20:09

Emotional and financial stability are a must. I would and have ended relationships where these have been an issue

Nightlight8 · 29/12/2025 20:38

How old is he?

Jonnyenglish · 30/12/2025 00:04

@WhatAPicklingSituation basically its the titantic, how much he has sunk, all the best

Hankunamatata · 30/12/2025 00:07

Ask to see his credit record. He can sign up free on money-saving expert

Erin1975 · 30/12/2025 00:10

Your problems are deeper than just the missed credit card payments. The two of you need to be open and honest about your finances and also your values. It sounds like the two of you have very different attitudes to finance and debt and also that the trust in this area has long since vanished.

FancyCatSlave · 30/12/2025 00:11

Yes.
I divorced mine this year because of his finances. He went bankrupt early in the marriage, we worked bloody hard to get through it with lots of stress and sacrifice. 10 years later he had built up the debt again. I couldn’t do it any more.

The relief is enormous despite the fact I still love him-he is an amazing person in other ways but the lack of trust and precarious situation has made me ill. I can’t live like it.

Lurkingandlearning · 30/12/2025 00:42

Depending on where you live, if you divorce half the debt will become yours. If he isn’t going to be honest about it then I don’t think you will find out how much is owed until then.

If he can be persuaded to tell the truth then you could seek advice to see if the debts can be made legally solely his (similar to how inheritance is sometimes ring fenced). Failing that you could say you will stay if repays the debt and allows you to regularly check his credit report, to ensure he is making regular payments and not borrowing more.

Then leave him. As others have said, it’s not just about the money, he is deceitful.