Would you divorce over secret debt?

[WhatAPicklingSituation]

Ok I don't know for sure.

When my DH and I first got married, a few months in i started a mortgage application and it got declined. DH had no idea apparently. Anyway bailiffs later turns out he had hidden 9000 debt. He got a DRO...now years later, rebuilt, careers, saving for future...

But his spending habits lately are increasing, i noticed a notification ping up of missed credit card payment, so i snapped at him, sent money to him to pay it. (We have completely seperate banks, nothing in joint names, after that previous event few months into marriage, i just refused to join anything financially)

I noticed he tried to sign up to klarna. I noticed he has deleted all his emails.

Is he relapsing with whatever this is? Is debt already happening? Can i divorce over money or is that silly? How can i see if theres debt? I just can't deal with it again tbh. Its taken years to fix the mess. He was sending money monthly for bills/rent, but thats getting less and less so i am already covering 2/3 and he pays 1/3..I'd rather just be responsible for it all myself tbh, at least i know what im working with...but i would move to a cheaper home for better financial flexibility.

And he should not have credit cards either, I don't.
Dh does so we book holidays etc with that and pay it in full every month but I won't have one

I personally probably wouldn't divorce over this just yet, but I would need full ongoing financial transparency from him to know exactly what's happening. If he refused to provide that/ hid anything then yes I would absolutely leave him. I'd also want to see him engaging in therapy of some sort in a meaningful way. I would want to know if this is gambling related or simply spending related and source accordingly. I would also invite in a 3rd party such as CAP to work with him on budgeting etc so he can pay off any debts arisen while ALSO contributing to family bills which he does not just get to opt out of. After that if it was still an issue I'd feel like I'd done my best and would walk away with clear conscience. If you have kids you need to protect the roof over their heads at the end of the day. There are a lot of reasons why people mismanage money and accrue debt, sometimes it's abuse of their spouse (misspending to create financial control), gambling, dopamine issues)

But, what I would do and what is right for you are not necessarily the same thing and if this is your line in the sand then you do what's right for you.

Yes I would. Financial security and transparency is paramount. Once that trust is gone it is very difficult to see past it.

Whats a third party CAP? I wasn't aware there was any support for.. i'm guessing compulsive spending? Denial?

Its never historically been gambling. Its like he just refuses to budget, doesnt pay bills, then interest accrues and it spirals. Its like a burying head in sand delusion. He pretends it doesnt exist, carries on with the usual spending, here and there and just lets it all rise. Like severe financial irresponsibility? Then he just hides it all.

I suppose thats why I've reacted. Its reminded me of last time, and its like the early signs i missed first time. Things occasionally bouncing, trying different avenues to buy things. So then when its denied/deleted, i'm straight into red alert. I just can't relate to what makes him do this? I thought big previous consequences would make you think, lets not do that again...or naturally when a card is near full, you think hmmm, lets perhaps not buy xyz.

I did ask him last night. He said it was just that card, that he did pay it when i transferred that money. (He only has one credit card) That he was thinking of Klarna to get a car part but was declined anyway. But i intend to ask to view it all, for proper clarity. Likely he will refuse. But its how blase hes being and like loose with money/budgets, thats how he was like back then. Like the boundaries we put in place after that event don't matter now.

He’s used his own card to buy stuff as long as he repays it what’s the problem?
as long as he’s meeting all of his obligations he’s a grown man you can’t demand to see his statements really l.

He’s not meeting his obligations though as OP has said he’s increasingly contributing less and less, and he’s just missed a credit card payment too. OP does have a right to see what’s going on as it’s directly affecting OP/OP is the one picking up the slack

Yes I’d leave an addict of any kind in an instant.
My dad was an alcoholic- different but that uncertainty I had no control over as a child I’ll be damed to choose that as an adult.

Can you do a credit report and see if it throws up anything?

Were the household bills joint?

Credit check him yourself. Join clearscore and set up an account in his name.

Then you'll know if its fixable or not...

Good luck.

I've hid debt in the past and I can assure you, whatever you're feeling, he's probably feeling ten times worse. Overspending can be motivated by a whole host of issues, and carrying those issues along side the secret debt drives you to distraction. Its not a nice place to be.

It's not just it being hidden, but it's also spiralling. As you say, he has an addiction.

I don't think I could stay financially linked to someone who behaves like this, and marriage inevitably involves that to at least some extent.