How to forgive myself

[Traineraid]

So after seeing a few similar posts, here goes.

In have POA for mum. She’s not able to make decisions now. She has a large amount of savings and in a couple of occasions, when desperate I’ve borrowed some money and repaid it asap. I know this is wrong. Mum would have lent me the money if she was able to consent.

this will never happen again, but how do I forgive myself??

This is not ideal, but it’s been repaid. You clearly have a strong moral compass as it’s eating you up. Just try not to do it again and move on.

Totally fine. It’s your mum

As you say, mum would have loaned you the money if she had been able to. Maybe it might make you feel a bit better if you took her a small bunch of flowers to "thank" her for "lending" you the money.

If you have to account to the OPG for Mum's money there will be questions.

Otherwise not a massive problem.

Your mum would have lent or given you the money if you needed it. See it as a loan that you have now repaid so you can move on now.

Just focus on not doing it again.

A few thoughts
How do you know that it will never happen again? What changes have you made to your financial situation so that you don't become desperate again in the future?

You'll be aware that you're active on behalf of your mum, following her wishes and acting in her best interests. You say your mum would have leant you money if she could consent. This is very muddy, because she can't, you make the choice of how to manage her money and you benifited. But if she has a proven history of providing financial gifts to family members, it would be appropriate to continue that (with an appropriate paper trail). Not a sneaky back door loan that you hide

You repaid it - don't beat yourself up - it not a 'gift'. I officially absolve you.

You repaid it. Many wouldn't. If it truly was desperate circumstances and not, for example, because you fancied a holiday, then forgive yourself.

It’s good that you feel bad about this. I don’t think you’re the first or the last to find this difficult. But it’s risky.

I would take the opportunity to set up some accountability, if you can. Find someone with integrity in the family who you check in with regularly about the finances, and who expects to review the online account/bank statements with you. That should help you hold back if the impulse hits you again.

I would say also, think about whether there are expenses you are incurring from your care which it’s reasonable to ‘charge’ to your mum. Again another person to check this with would be good.

I agree that rather than spending your energy thinking of how to forgive yourself focus on how you make sure you won’t need to do this again. The best way to move on is to ensure you don’t need to view your mum’s savings as a safety net.

The fact that you did it in the first place would indicate that you are not the best person to have POA. What you did was a serious breach of trust. Is there anyone else who could have POA instead?

From the gov website:

Spending money on gifts or donations
Unless the LPA states otherwise, you can spend money on:

• gifts to a donor’s friend, family member or acquaintance on occasions when you would normally give gifts (such as birthdays or anniversaries)
• donations to a charity that the donor would not object to, for example a charity they’ve donated to before

You must apply to the Court of Protection for any other type of gift or donation, even if the donor has given them before. These include:

• paying someone’s school or university fees
• letting someone live in the donor’s property without paying market rent (anything they pay below market rent counts as a gift)
• interest-free loans

You must check that the donor can afford the gift or donation, even if they’ve spent money on these types of things before. For example, you cannot donate their money if that would mean they could not afford their care costs.

You made a mistake, but if there is ever a next time, learn from the guilt you feel now and act by the book

This is great advice.

Not speaking legally, but morally, if your .um would happily have lent you the money, then please dont be too hard on yourself.

Sorry youre in this situation

Please, don't beat yourself up about this.

Yes, what you did was wrong. You acknowledge that and say would not do it again.

But you also say your Mum would have given the money to you if she was capable.

Im old and always said my immediate family would never steal from me. Because they know if they need something and I have it, id give not to them.

Your Mum sounds similar.

I do not see this as a big deal if it’s been repaid. Had you not done this, that would then be different.

Please don’t beat yourself up - your mum I’m sure wouldn’t want you to

Against the grain. I don’t find this a massive issue if it’s definitely true that she’d agree under normal circumstances. She’d want to help you if you’re struggling and it’s a real shame she can’t consent due to what I assume is dementia. I’d hate to think of my adult kids needing a loan and my having the money to help them but it being ethically inaccessible because of my illness.

OPG see this all the time and it's not cause for concern. Your mum trusted you and, as you've said, she would have loaned it to you. You're standing in her shoes, making the decisions she can't but would have. Forgive yourself.

Thanks for the posts. I appreciate everyone’s comments. I know I’m not a bad person but I’m so ashamed

I cant stand the phrase "i've forgiven myself".

Look you know you shouldn't have done, just don't do it again, that's all you need to do.

Disagree here. Just because it’s her mum doesn’t mean it’s totally fine to take money that the OP has been trusted with.

Yes it’s been paid back but what if for some reason she wasn’t able to (even if that was her original intention) losing her job, the situation for needing the money in the first place getting more serious or continuing, another expnsive emergency.

@Traineraid You know in your heart you didn’t take it with bad intentions and it’s paid back now so put it behind you and don’t do it again.

It is not ok. To protect yourself from future legal issues and accusations I would relinquish your POA responsibilities to a lawyer or other family member.

Also, and sorry to be morbid OP, but you do need to be aware (I wasn't!) that POA ceases immediately when your Mum passes away.