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Original poster

To feel like brother is essentially stealing mums money

40 replies

Cheeryloz · 29/11/2025 15:37

Hi,

My brother (44) is s constantly ‘borrowing’ from our mum but never paying it back. Mum is 78 but in good health and able to make decisions etc.

He’ll ask her for a loan with the promise to repay, but the repayment never happens! He’ll then borrow more. I estimate he owes her around 3k in total. Mum has a lot of money in savings and I think that it’s just too easy for him to ask her for money. I have tried to discuss it with mum but she tells me to mind my own business!!

if he was repaying it then I’d be more comfortable, but this feels like theft almost!

WWYD

OP posts:

WiggyWiggyImGettingJiggy · 29/11/2025 15:39

I would do nothing, your mum is making her own decisions and told you to butt out.

It's not your business.

Burningbud1981 · 29/11/2025 15:39

If your mum has capacity to make these decisions then nothing to do with you unfortunately. Your mum has told you to mind your own business so leave it at that.

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 29/11/2025 15:40

Nothing. It's between your mum and your brother. It's nothing to do with you. Your mum has told you to mind your own business so I'd do just that. It's nothing like theft as your mum is giving him the money voluntarily and happily. Butt out.

Karatema · 29/11/2025 15:41

Definitely not your business. If you need a loan then ask but don’t begrudge your DM the pleasure of helping out, and from her reaction, it probably is a pleasure.

TheGander · 29/11/2025 15:48

I’ll stick my neck out and say that while it is not strictly your business, I can understand that it would feel frustrating as a sibling to see a parent bestow large sums. Unfair treatment, concerns about your mother being taken advantage of etc. And while she has capacity, she can still be exploited, parent child relationships can contain all sorts of complicated dynamics. Plus you don’t say what he is doing with this money. What you can do is not clear. Maybe let your mum speak if she has any concerns/ doubts , be there to listen.

Boomer55 · 29/11/2025 16:32

Cheeryloz · 29/11/2025 15:37

Hi,

My brother (44) is s constantly ‘borrowing’ from our mum but never paying it back. Mum is 78 but in good health and able to make decisions etc.

if he was repaying it then I’d be more comfortable, but this feels like theft almost!

WWYD

She’s mentally competent, so there is nothing she can do.

2catsandhappy · 29/11/2025 16:50

Either keep your thoughts to yourself @Cheeryloz or look her straight in the eye, infront of your brother, and say, 'will you be giving me £3000 to match what you have given David?'
After all the denials and lies have settled down, all that will change is that the gifts will happen in secret.

Ariela · 29/11/2025 18:33

You could suggest your mum keeps a record and whether it's a loan. because it might cause your brother problems with IHT when she dies.

That in turn might make her realise how much of a drain he is on her finances.

Harassedevictee · 29/11/2025 19:41

@Cheeryloz make sure your Mum has Lasting Powers of Attorney in place. Both Property & Finance and Health & Welfare.

Superscientist · 29/11/2025 19:58

If your mother has capacity and her lifestyle isn't compromised by the money stay out of it. If he is routinely borrowing the money and not repaying and your mum is giving more i would say that she is giving it willingly knowing that it won't be repaid. There's the old adage that you don't loan any money that you can't not afford to not be repaid. If it were loans that she kept asking him to start repaying and he kept saying he would and then didn't maybe she would need support in getting him to not see her as an ATM but there's not a lot you can do. We are free to use our own money as wisely or unwisely as we see fit.

I've loaned money to family members and it's always money that I could afford not to have been repaid in the time frame likely for repayment and if it wasn't to be repaid it wouldn't have significantly changed my life plans. The one time it was significant we drew up an agreement from the outset with a repayment plan and interest to be paid with the standing order for repayment starting 2 months after the loan.

From an IHT or deprivation of assets point of view if it's <£3k it won't be counted as you can gift a person £3k a year without having to declare it even if within the 7 year window. If you haven't used the previous years entitlement it can be rolled over to the following year.

pocketpairs · 30/11/2025 19:45

Ariela · 29/11/2025 18:33

You could suggest your mum keeps a record and whether it's a loan. because it might cause your brother problems with IHT when she dies.

That in turn might make her realise how much of a drain he is on her finances.

It won't at those levels.

Jiski · 30/11/2025 20:07

I don’t see the problem here. If she has money to share, she can. If you want money too, ask for it. If my son asked me for money I’d always help out.

bevm72yellow · 30/11/2025 20:24

If it is her benefit or disability money it may change the issue. Who takes care of her? Who does house maintenance? Who assists with banking online? Does he help her in any way with her care or home? Is her home in need of repairs whilst she gives money to him? Does she need someone to do shopping/ doctors appointments? Does this service have to be paid for? Has she decent warm clothes and bedding? Are her bills paid promptly? If she is in a situation where this is not being done and she is at a detriment to loss of the money then this would be hugely significant. Whoever brings grocery shopping or for appointments are those needful costs being covered by your Mum or is the caregivers costs being neglected? Speak elderly social services if her needs are not being met but money is being handed away.

Donttellhim · 30/11/2025 20:28

She Is correct in that it is none of your business. It’s her money and if she is able to make decisions it’s up to her. How can it possibly be theft when she is giving it to him, whether a loan or not, she knows he doesn’t pay it back and still lends it.

Whilst it may be frustrating, it’s her money and she entitled to give it all away if she chooses.

MissRaspberry · 30/11/2025 20:50

Respect her request to mind your own business. When she comes moaning to you at some point(which will probably happen as it seems your brother takes the piss) remind her that it's not your problem as she told you to keep out of it when you tried to advise her against giving him money all the time. She has capacity she can say no if she wishes to.

Welshmonster · 30/11/2025 20:59

Can you ask for a loan and see what the answer is?
I bet she doesn’t lend it to you.

money is so hard. I would start looking at getting POA in place just in case she needs it and your brother just takes the money.

Scottishskifun · 30/11/2025 21:02

There's nothing you can do but I know first hand how frustrating it is.
My DB has had in excess of 50k now and my mum isn't wealthy by any means.
She had a revelation last year though and changed her will for me to get a bigger percentage and she told him. He tried to shout about it and she replied firmly it evens it out after all you have borrowed and never repaid.

She's also now seen the light and stopped lending to him!

Veeg81 · 30/11/2025 21:10

Harassedevictee · 29/11/2025 19:41

@Cheeryloz make sure your Mum has Lasting Powers of Attorney in place. Both Property & Finance and Health & Welfare.

What will this achieve? The mother can do what she likes with her own money! It’s not for OP to take over money management just because the mother is making decisions OP doesn’t agree with

Veeg81 · 30/11/2025 21:14

Why are people suggesting a Power of Attorney? It’s mother’s choice who she gives her own money to whilst OP may not like it (and I’m sure I wouldn’t!) but you can’t just get a Power of Attorney without the person putting it in place if she has capacity! Her mother may very well appoint the son as attorney anyway. Just because OP doesn’t like what is happening doesn’t make it wrong.

Fends · 30/11/2025 21:34

Erm, MYOB

Harassedevictee · 30/11/2025 21:38

Veeg81 · 30/11/2025 21:10

What will this achieve? The mother can do what she likes with her own money! It’s not for OP to take over money management just because the mother is making decisions OP doesn’t agree with

Show quote history

The reason posters are suggesting LPAs is not to stop the Mum gifting money whilst she has capacity but to have things in place if she should lose capacity. It’s preventative.

Unfortunately, from bitter experience, I know some people will take and take. When a parent loses capacity suddenly the small amounts become much larger.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 30/11/2025 21:43

Yep leave your mum to it, my parents have at times gifted us money or my brother, they don't want it back and they had it in savings just sat there for nothing in particular. If she's financially able, has mental capacity to know what she's doing and he's not abusing her etc, then why shouldn't she give him money. FiL has "loaned" sil money and I doubt he'll get all of that back. Parents are entitled to gift their children money, it's not theft and without sounding really blunt, it'll end up going to you and he anyway in the very long run. She's probably thinking she'd rather gift it him now whilst he needs it.
Keep an eye on her and make sure she really does continue to know what she's doing but I think the majority of financially able parents give money to their adult children if needed or requested. It's frustrating if you feel it's unfair, or she's refused you in the past, or you feel he's just frittering it away, but it's hers to give.

cupfinalchaos · 30/11/2025 21:46

She’s right, it isn’t your business.

Motheranddaughter · 30/11/2025 21:49

Totally Not your business

sxcizme3010 · 30/11/2025 21:50

For those people saying butt out of it... its really not always that simple from an emotional point of view.

My BIL has manipulated tens of thousands out on my in laws... via loans, selling them items they dont need, getting them to be guarantors on loans and then defaulting, doing "jobs" for them... (Im talking basic things you would do for a parent)... Always comes with a sob story and a promise not to tell his wife etc etc..

Anyways we kept out of it even though it was serious money, money for weddings, house deposits, cars etc which were never bestowed to my hubby! Then when all the money ran out and they were on SP - their boiler broke... We had tears and upset about it, they didnt know what to do, should they do equity release etc etc..

Long and short of it was - we replaced their boiler and a couple of other things... We politely asked BIL if he could make a contribution and after him saying yes, then no, then he would pay if he chose the contractor, then no again after all his demands were met..

My hubby (and I) are so bitter and resentful of the double standards, the perceived favouritism and the outright denial that any favouritism exists - really damaged our relationship with them. Now they are in their 70s and bitterly unhappy as BIL doesnt bother with them and hubby keeps them at arms length. Sad situation really.

OP - My advice is to not mention it but take note of everything and dont expect to be treated fairly at the end either.

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