To feel like brother is essentially stealing mums money

[Cheeryloz]

Hi,

My brother (44) is s constantly ‘borrowing’ from our mum but never paying it back. Mum is 78 but in good health and able to make decisions etc.

He’ll ask her for a loan with the promise to repay, but the repayment never happens! He’ll then borrow more. I estimate he owes her around 3k in total. Mum has a lot of money in savings and I think that it’s just too easy for him to ask her for money. I have tried to discuss it with mum but she tells me to mind my own business!!

if he was repaying it then I’d be more comfortable, but this feels like theft almost!

WWYD

Ultimately she’s happy to just give it to him

None of your business. £3,000 doesn’t seem excessive to me.

It's literally none of your business

Even your mum's told you this.

It's her money not yours

@Cheeryloz , do you think your mum is not being fair? She’s probably not being fair, sorry. She’s told you to mind your own business. I think her message is clear. This must be very difficult for you, maybe you would benefit from some help. I feel for you.

Not your money is it?

@ my mother was an incredibly wealthy woman. On her death I inherited 3k. To cut a very long and painful story short, I had a brother just like yours..he then managed to get power of attorney and lived like a king on my mothers savings (whilst hardly working and officially bankrupt).

@sxcizme3010 and @OpheliaNightingale thats horrendous- basically being targeted by a conman who happens to be your own son. This is the damage this kind of asymmetric gifting within families can do. OP all the people saying it’s not your business are ignoring the powerful symbolism of money when it’s gifted to one child and not another, and the real risk of exploitation in this situation. I say keep an eye on it.

It is but no amount of warning was heeded... and when it was raised that it wasnt equal and it was disproportionate we were told that my hubby is the sensible and dependable one who doesnt need any financial support as he is secure.... Just wow.... People reap what they sow unfortunately

I have a sibling who has done exactly the same. It has only recently come to light. Several hundreds of thousands of pounds. I don’t begrudge not getting any inheritance. My parent is still alive and now gone into a care home - the council would and should have got it for her care. But I cannot forgive my sibling for what was coerced ‘borrowing’ from a vulnerable parent with dementia with no intention of ever paying it back. It’s much more common than people think.

I have seen this in families where one sibling is irresponsible with money, makes poor choices with spending/ relationships/ employment and the parents keep bailing them out, while the steady, responsible kid gets way less/ nothing. Often they subtly ( or not so subtly) guilt the parents who rush in with money to try and make good some perceived past failures in their parenting

If you have concerns about coercion you can make a referral to adult social services about financial abuse. Your Mum won’t be told you made the referral. Although if she has capacity, it can be difficult to do anything about it.

£3,000 isnt excessive. Your mum has asked you to mind your business, so do so. Its her money not yours.

If she’s sound of mind then she’s right you should mind your own business. Parents do not become toddlers as they age to be patronised and have their decisions questioned and derided.

She’s a grown woman loaning her son money. It’s her choice to do so knowing he’s a flake.

Maybe they say it’s a loan to keep your nose out of her business?

Keep your beak out. They don't care about your comfort.