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Original poster

Unhappy that DH did this

32 replies

Cherryfall · 20/10/2025 16:21

Hi

last month we needed £500 fairly urgently and quickly. I won’t go in to the details but it was an unexpected expense that we had to deal with quickly. At the moment we don’t have any savings although that is something that we are going to start working on soon. DH helps his mum with her finances and has access to her bank account, etc online. She has always told him that she’s happy for him to borrow from her as long as he goes back. She has quite a lot of money in savings as she downsized her property a few years ago. She has some health issues and he helps with her banking and bills and so on.

He transferred the £500 from her account into his and paid the bill. A week later when he got paid for a job, he transferred the £500 back into his mum’s account.

I am uncomfortable with this and don’t feel it right. He thinks I’m making a fuss over nothing as she has always said that she doesn’t mind lending him the money and he paid it back in a week later. He didn’t discuss it with her as she would’ve worried and would probably have offered to give us the money without it having to be paid back.

Not sure how I feel about it all

OP posts:
Tamfs · 20/10/2025 16:24

If he hadn't paid it back asap, I could see your point, but she has explicitly told him he could do this and he honoured paying it back. I assume she has capacity?

I guess it a push to build some emergency savings of your own to prevent these feelings of being uncomfortable with it.

Meadowfinch · 20/10/2025 16:27

He paid it back without hesitation or delay, and shared the whole episode with you.

As long as you are both clear it is for emergencies only, and with your MIL's agreement, I don't see the issue.

Not something to do every day though.

Daisy12Maisie · 20/10/2025 16:29

If they have that agreement then that’s fine.

If either of my sons needed it they could always borrow money from me if I had it.

Pepperedpickles · 20/10/2025 16:32

I think even if she said she’s okay with it I think he should have made her aware and just checked it was okay. Doing it without telling her at all seems a bit off. But that’s just my own opinion.

KitsyWitsy · 20/10/2025 16:36

I don’t see what he’s done wrong?

Jellybunny56 · 20/10/2025 16:37

Pepperedpickles · 20/10/2025 16:32

I think even if she said she’s okay with it I think he should have made her aware and just checked it was okay. Doing it without telling her at all seems a bit off. But that’s just my own opinion.

This.

It’s the not telling her that makes me feel uneasy about this. If she has always explicitly said she wouldn’t mind this situation then I see no reason for him to not have just told her, not sure I buy the “she’d have worried”. Unless she doesn’t have capacity (in which case he should not be taking anything from her account for himself), she would have been equally worried to see £500 gone from her account.

IvedoneitagainhaventI · 20/10/2025 16:43

I wouldnt be happy about this.

I think he should have talked to his mum about a very temporary loan before just taking the money.

It somehow sets an unhealthy prescedent.

Fwiw my son knows all my online banking details. And he knows I would never see him in a predicament regarding the short term need for cash. But he would never take money from my account without asking first. Even though as far as I'm concerned my money is his our relationship would be irreparably damaged if he ever took it without talking about it first.

Comeonbabylightmyfire · 20/10/2025 16:49

He should have at least notified her. I would worry that he did this so easily without telling her.

ByTwinklyDreamer · 20/10/2025 17:14

This wouldn’t bother me and as a mother I would happy for any of my three DS’s to do this.

CarpetKnees · 20/10/2025 19:29

This sounds very similar to a thread about a month ago where the OP that time says her brother did this with their mother's a/c.

The consensus there was that, if the Mum would be fine with it, then why wouldn't you mention it.

dh and I have a joint a/c and, whereas either of us can use money for anything from it, we'd mention a large amount like that to the other one, in case the other one of us was also about to withdraw a large amount.

The secrecy makes it wrong.

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/10/2025 19:30

This doesn’t and wouldn’t bother me at all, I would have done the same. It was 500 quid, not 5 grand, he paid it back, and she has said she would be fine with it - what exactly is the problem?

KarmenPQZ · 21/10/2025 08:54

Does he have power of attorney? If so it crosses a line I think

but she has explicitly said it’s ok. I can see why he didn’t mention it if she’s confirmed it’s ok in the past and he’s worried then there might be a fuss when he pays it back. I think best for him to just say to her ‘oh I borrowed some money last week to cover a bill but I’ve now been paid and transferred it back to your account. Is this ok are you still happy for me to do this in the future’

you really need to get some savings tho!

NewYorkSummer · 21/10/2025 10:10

I have POA for finance and I would never do this without mentioning, or asking, first. What happens when next time you have a bigger bill, £1000, and he ‘borrows’ it? What happens if suddenly you find he can’t pay it back? I keep records of every financial transaction I make for my parents, just so everything is very clear.

OnTheBoardwalk · 21/10/2025 10:17

I’m not sure in this one, but they do have the agreement for this in place so technically he's done nothing wrong

I know if I needed a short term loan from my mum for £500 we'd spending longer arguing about how she didn’t want the money back then it would take me to repay the money. It wouldn’t be worth the grief

i do think he should have told her after he'd paid it back

snowlaser · 21/10/2025 11:39

Personally, if I were him, I would have asked. BUT since she is happy for him to borrow money as long as he pays it back, and he has done that, I don't think this is a big issue.

What WOULD be a big issue is if this becomes some kind of new normal where he keeps borrowing more and more for longer and longer. But a one-off is fine.

Wot23 · 21/10/2025 12:20

is it a joint account?
If not then borrowing/spending from such an account is not that same as the OP's apparent situation.

I would be deeply uncomfortable that DH has direct access to his mother's account and can take money in or out of it without her knowledge.

If DH has a power of attorney on her financial affairs then what he did is borderline illegal since lending (interest free) money to the person holding the POA is not in mother's best interest.

If DH does not have a POA, but obviously knows mother's bank security details, then I can appreciate that mother may try to make it into a gift, but that is exactly the point. It is up to mother what she does with her money, it is utterly morally wrong that DH can do whatever he wants with her money without her knowledge.

Superscientist · 21/10/2025 15:12

Under what circumstances does he have access to the account? If it's under a power of attorney he is very wrong. It's very clear that you can only use the persons money in their best interests. Whilst he repaid it, it does expose him to be at risk of being removed of being the power of attorney and then that would make things difficult.

If it's an informal arrangement it's not ideal but it comes down the family relationships. I know some people would be ok with it but I'd never do it and I would be annoyed if any one did it to me. I would much rather people be open and honest with me and in those circumstances I am happy to help in any way I can. I have lent money to my sister on several occasions ranging from hundreds to thousands.

Hoppinggreen · 21/10/2025 15:15

I feel that he should have told her, if he didn't think she would mind then why not tell her?
However I would not get involved as its between your DH and his Mum

AdoraBell · 21/10/2025 15:18

As his DM said he can borrow and he paid it back as quickly as he could it wouldn’t be a problem for me.

Work on building an emergency fund for future expenses.

Perfectlove · 21/10/2025 15:20

Between son & mum, cant see the problem.

Anywherebuthere · 21/10/2025 15:20

The not mentioning it to her would bother me too. I think it's just basic courtesy to let her know what he was going to do even if they have an agreement.

caringcarer · 21/10/2025 15:25

ByTwinklyDreamer · 20/10/2025 17:14

This wouldn’t bother me and as a mother I would happy for any of my three DS’s to do this.

This. His Mum has already said he can borrow money provided he repays it. It was an emergency and he repaid within a week. If any of my DC needed to borrow money they know I will always say yes. I also tell them to repay it at a rate that is comfortable for them so £500 could be repaid over 5 months. Just try to build that emergency buffer if you can then he would not need to borrow from his Mum.

WatchingTheDetective · 21/10/2025 19:30

"You can always borrow money from me " is completely different to "You can take money from my bank account without telling me."

LancashireButterPie · 21/10/2025 19:57

I have adult children and this would not bother me in the slightest. I also understand your DH not wanting to worry his mum.
Then again as a family we have very relaxed attitudes to money.

Wot23 · 22/10/2025 00:54

to all those saying it would not bother them, are you confirming that your relatives have direct access to your bank account such they they can initiate transactions on it without you knowing?

I do not believe that is the norm for how to behave, even in this day of the ability to share your log in and passwords with others?