How do you manage income as married couple

[Richesme]

My husband earns above average salary whereas I earn minimum wage. I asked him once if I go full time if he can help me with the house work and he said we’ll go halves in everything. We’re gonna do joint account and £1000 each in it where our expenses are paid out from, and if any left for investments. Since he will have above £3000 after the £1000 he put in sharing account, I am left with £500. He sees this fair. I don’t know what to think about it.

Married for 5 years with a toddler

Some of my friends seem to have complex own spending money arrangements but we are both happy with the amount the other spends. I spend more than him, but also put more in. Neither of us would dream of monitoring the other’s spend - my friend was texting her husband because our dinner out would be above the limit they set themselves, not because they can’t afford it but because certain things come out of their ‘own’ money. I could not be bothered with that level of admin being honest.

One pot here too.

One pot when he was sole earner, One pot as both earners, One pot still now similar incomes.

No you need to have equal amounts of spending money, pension rights etc.

It's fine to manage finances separately if you are both earning well and that's what you both want - but certainly not when money is tight.

Point out to him a marriage means 50/50 in everything (including equal time off)

Nip this in the bud now, it will be too ingrained in a few years to change it

We put everything in a joint account and have shared savings too. In the times we've struggled financially we've both made sacrifices and when we've been better off we've both enjoyed having some money for extras. There's times I've contributed more to the pot and times he has. To me a marriage is about team work and how can someone who loves you be happy to watch you go without while they treat themselves?

I know others feel differently and that's fine but I wouldn't want a marriage or children with someone who wasn't a full partner financially. I'd rather just date.

Husband earns more so we put it all in a pot and take £400/month out each for our spending money...

Ask him calmly to explain why he thinks it’s fair in a marriage that he gets £3000 a monthly whilst you only get £500.

And ask him what he would expect to happen if you won millions on the lottery tomorrow. Would he happily carry on with his £3k a month whilst you lived the life of luxury?

No that doesn’t seem fair, to me a marriage is part of being an equal team. If you’re both full time then I think household chores and life admin should be 50/50, you both put bills money in the pot 50/50 and then whatever the total that is left is saved/invested and split equally between you both for personal money to spend.

in answer to your question me and DH work together running a business, he works 50 hours a week and I work about 32 and we are paid the exact same salary so I suppose you could say I earn more. Our salaries and rental income from 2 rental properties are all paid in to one bank account. We put some in savings, the rest is left in there for bills and personal spending. We don’t have limits and we never question each other on our spending because we have similar thinking in what’s acceptable and what’s not. I dont think he has ever questioned what ive spent and vice versa. In fact he is usually the one saying ‘just get it’ if im considering a personal purchase. For big purchases we discuss them of course before going ahead. I had a shopping addiction several years ago and hid some debt, he made the decision he would forgive me and he has never mentioned it again in an argument or asked me about it. He says he chose to forgive me and decided he could let it go and he has done. But it has affected me and I am now very frugal.

Thanks for the heads-up.

If he wants it to be 50/50, what is he paying you for his half of the work of carrying and bearing your child? Or is that 100% your job in his mind?

Our money goes into one account and we each get the same amount of "pocket money" each week which covers everyday spending and anything else we want for ourselves.

Sometimes this has been more to my benefit as DH has earned more, sometimes more to his because I've earned more, but we are a team and our money is our money.

@sixeightfivesorry but I find the your not flat mates deeply offensive. My husband and I each have our own accounts where our salaries are paid into. I transfer him 50% for all bills (he is self employed and tends to pay himself weekly) the rest of the money in our accounts are our own. I have no less of a marriage because we have separate money. This is purely my choice as I am never putting myself in a position again where I’m financially dependent on a man!

To add we earn roughly the same

My situation is similar to yours. I feel the same as you, and I resent it. This isn’t how I wanted to live as a married couple, but I gave up on it because I don’t want to argue. I don’t believe it’s how a married couple should live. It just shows a lack of trust.

We do the same. DH earns a lot more than I do but we’re married so all our money is shared including money that we have inherited. We wouldn't have it any other way & are both happy with the arrangement.

We have entirely shared finances and we have had a real range of different incomes coming in as a couple including both of us as the only earner for years at a time.
Personally I couldn’t be in a marriage where we kept money in the way you describe.

This

We don't share everything. We have separate bank accounts, he pays a lump into my account and I pay all the bills etc. I earn more than he does but I have no idea how much is in his bank account, he has no idea what is in mine. That doesn't mean we don't share though. I am aware I probably have more disposable income than he does and so I generally pay for a lot more.

This is our second marriage though and we both have children/adult children from other relationships so there is an added layer of complication there and keeping things more separate makes sense as he pays CMS etc too.

Everything goes into one pot. Then gets split into different accounts or pots as necessary.

Mortgage and bills on DDs come out the pot the money goes into.
Money for groceries and kids stuff goes into a general spending account.
Personal spends for us go into individual accounts. Same amount each despite income disparity.
Savings go into a joint saver plus ISAs each.

Always we have had the same amount of ‘pocket money’ to cover personal spends eg clothes, hair and socialising and the rest goes into the joint account. Joint account covers the usual but also anything health related eg prescription and dental work and anything child related including things coffee at a kids soft play party or maternity clothes.

Now I’m a sahm and do more of the house work because that’a part of my role but DH still has set jobs and will do things I haven’t had time to do.

When children are involved it should be all in one pot with equal spends to individual accounts.

If no children and a big salary difference then proportionate to income seems fair to me, unless the reason for different incomes is one partner choosing to earn less on the basis that the other partner will carry them.

Same.

Never bothered having any joint accounts. We both earn well so just pay whatever’s needed from either of our accounts as and when due.

If there’s a bigger expense like a holiday or a car, we’ll probably look to try and alternate who pays each time. Standard monthly expenditure doesn’t get monitored to ensure and even split. Neither of us could be bothered with that. Same with all expenditure for DS.

DH and I have salary paid into our own accounts then transfer equal amount of money into joint account to pay for bills, same as you. However we earn similar salary. At one point DH earned a bit more than me and now I earn a bit more than him. We balance it by the richer one paying more towards Xmas or for holiday. If there was a large difference we would adjust amount we both paid into joint account. Your DH is financially abusive towards you. If you love someone you share.

We have one bank account and have always split everything but I know a lot of people who just pay a chunk into a bills account and keep the rest for themselves.
There's nothing wrong with either way aslong as you agree on it.

If he wants to keep separate he needs to understand that any inheritance money etc that you get will be yours.

This is why I am aiming to settle for someone who earns about the same as me (this can change down the line obviously).

I think considering you have a kid ,if it was me ,I would just out all in one account and have bills come out .

I think also ,if your out goings are morethan his ,he may see the unfairness

we do it differently. DP earns 1.5 times my salary but I had the massive deposit for the house. He didn’t.

bills split 50/50 except mortgage he pays 60%. We put bill money, including groceries and savings into a joint account. I also have my own savings.

i wanted us to have our own money so we can spend what we want things on without asking and financial independence is important to me. DP respects this as his ex wife spent their joint money on things for her.

we have also owned houses with other people and been screwed over. So him paying more towards mortgage helps secure his equity if the worse happens. We hope this never happens but we have both learned from the past.

Separate bank accounts, always, for nearly 40 years. Means we rarely need to discuss money or "ask permission" for spending. He was always the higher earner, so he mainly pays for big ticket things like cars, holidays and investments. Food, bills and dull, everyday stuff was always my department 😂 But our own spending is always our own, no questions asked. We never worked it out on percentages, or who earned what, but I do accept that - over a lifetime - he will have subsidised me.
We did have a joint mortgage, but that's now paid, so both own the house.

But, ultimately, it doesn't matter what other people do, OP - you just both need to be happy with whatever system you use. Different things work for different people.